Awkward Newbie Guilt

[HarlowGolde]

Hey all,

I suspect this is a new-to-sex-work thing, but I find I am feeling guilty about members spending "too much" money on me and my shows. I'm struggling to wrap my head around how it is financially feasible for somebody to spend hundreds of dollars like it's nothing over a few days without them facing some sort of income insecurity as a result. I feel this way when it happens to me, and when I see how much people spend on other models, but the latter is easier for me to let go of and not really any of my business. It's bizarre and embarrassing to admit here because of course, I deserve to be compensated...I've also been working my butt off through the post-new-model-status-slump and am slowly starting to see that pay off, only to seemingly feel guilty about it. WTF? I want to make it clear that I do definitely consider this work. Is it imposter syndrome? Am I projecting my past/current income insecurity onto this? Does my confidence need work? Probably a nice blend of all of this, I'm sure. There's some residual inner stigma about sex work mixed up in there too. I'm hoping some of you may be able to relate. Is this something that others have outgrown? Any tips to help me reframe my mindset would be fantastic.

Thanks in advance

 

[MarieElise]

Hey all,

I suspect this is a new-to-sex-work thing, but I find I am feeling guilty about members spending "too much" money on me and my shows. I'm struggling to wrap my head around how it is financially feasible for somebody to spend hundreds of dollars like it's nothing over a few days without them facing some sort of income insecurity as a result. I feel this way when it happens to me, and when I see how much people spend on other models, but the latter is easier for me to let go of and not really any of my business. It's bizarre and embarrassing to admit here because of course, I deserve to be compensated...I've also been working my butt off through the post-new-model-status-slump and am slowly starting to see that pay off, only to seemingly feel guilty about it. WTF? I want to make it clear that I do definitely consider this work. Is it imposter syndrome? Am I projecting my past/current income insecurity onto this? Does my confidence need work? Probably a nice blend of all of this, I'm sure. There's some residual inner stigma about sex work mixed up in there too. I'm hoping some of you may be able to relate. Is this something that others have outgrown? Any tips to help me reframe my mindset would be fantastic.

Thanks in advance

I get that on and off. What helped me was thinking about how I wanna focus on selling a little bit, to a wider number. Rather than selling a lot to a small number. I hope that makes sense. Whenever one individual guy starts spending a ton on me, I stress out a bit. However, a few hundred over a few days is not that much to worry about. I would not worry about that amount. When it gets more in the $500 - $1000, is when my anxiety kicks in (so basically we all have different numbers). I sometimes go on a little spree and spend a few hundred. Then I go do something else for a while. I would not spend it, if I didn't have it extra (the times I do), so I would not worry about it. I am sure there are a lot of people like me, who don't spend addictively or compulsively, but only when they have extra, and want to have fun w it. Just try to have faith in the majority of people's ability to budget for themselves. If you are being honest, which I'm sure you are, (about what you are offering), there is nothing to worry about.

I know it's easy to worry though. But in the end, there is no way that you will ever know if you are dealing w a person who a few hundred is a good or moderate amount to, or a person who basically looks at that like pennies. And if anyone tries to induce guilt in you, for their own spending and choices, don't believe them (or let them). It's a fun service, which by providing, you are potentially limiting yourself greatly in life, and putting yourself in the situation to be judged by many, (not to mention, ahem, targeted by crazies). You deserve decent compensation for that. However, I know that you said that you know that rationally. If you are used to working really, really hard for little (prior), it's difficult to get around the concept that you can make good money, and have fun (and that, that is OK). That was my struggle anyways.

 

[Mila_]

It helps to put things into perspective:

1) There are people out there with A LOT more disposable income than you are accustomed to seeing around you in your day to day life where spending a few thousand dollars a week is nothing.

2) There are people out there who are lonely and need to have a connection and a sense of belonging, others have insecurities or feel like everything they do is a failure and cams provide them with the opportunity to work out their issues so the service you provide goes way beyond entertainment and for some of them, they have nothing to spend their money on as they don’t have hobbies or passions or a family to invest in, so they use it in the Camerooms they feel they belong to.

3) Something you would NEVER spend money on can be someone else’s very expensive hobby. Some men love luxury cars and will save to buy one or even build one from used parts! There are men who love to gamble or to collect baseball cards or to travel. All these activities can be just as expensive as a cam habit, and for some members it is simply that: a luxury hobby they enjoy and can afford.

The way I see it, it can be intrusive to assume things about other people or getting involved in their finances. All camsite users are adults and should make adult choices. I will not assume I understand the circumstances behind every tipper’s spending budget and I would never ask. The only time I miiiiight get involved and tell them to please stop tipping is if they talk about it themselves and share with me their problems.

 

[Smoothie]

3) Something you would NEVER spend money on can be someone else’s very expensive hobby. Some men love luxury cars and will save to buy one or even build one from used parts! There are men who love to gamble or to collect baseball cards or to travel. All these activities can be just as expensive as a cam habit, and for some members it is simply that: a luxury hobby they enjoy and can afford.

This is a great point, especially if the amount is in the few hundred dollar range. Some guys spend that on a pair of NFL tickets, or golf, or collectibles. Not just the wealthy guys, either. I wouldn’t worry much about it. Instead of buying sports tickets or fishing gear, they’re paying you for your show.

 

[Deleted member 46887]

When I worked retail, I had to teach my employees to ‘take their hands out of other people’s pockets’. You don’t know what someone can afford and it’s up to you to get them to spend the full amount. You have value and you need to embrace that they see that in you and want to give you some or even all of what they have set aside for this particular hobby of theirs.

 

[Parking]

It really depends on the male or female customer. If the man for example is not rich, and is like on a minimum or below-average wage, then yeah find a way to go away from them. If someone can spend without a problem, then that's fine. But a less risky method is to diversify your people. If you focus on a smaller number of people, you might get a fewer amount of people who would spend more. It's basically like major supermarkets and smaller markets... the big supermarkets are usually cheaper for people because they kinda sell in bulk to a larger number of customers. You may feel better if like 30 people put $2 or whatever, than one person putting $60.

 

[AudriTwo]

I think it's important to add when you do get used to a member spending large amounts which can clear your goals, is to not depend on them. Whales come and go. Sometimes they stay for a long time. Others peace out after a few months.

Some models fail to recognize they need to keep building other relationships/audience. That way when the whale swims away, you won't be struggling to make your goal. I recommend focusing on time goals instead of money goals during shifts. Work the full amount of time you set forward so it gives you the opportunity to meet more people.

 

[Smoothie]

I think it's important to add when you do get used to a member spending large amounts which can clear your goals, is to not depend on them. Whales come and go. Sometimes they stay for a long time. Others peace out after a few months.

Some models fail to recognize they need to keep building other relationships/audience. That way when the whale swims away, you won't be struggling to make your goal. I recommend focusing on time goals instead of money goals during shifts. Work the full amount of time you set forward so it gives you the opportunity to meet more people.

Kind of a side topic, but I’m in the middle of this exact tightrope-walk right now, but from the other side of it (I’m the tipper). It’s clear to me that the model in question needs more & different tippers. It’s a weird feeling when you start thinking you’ve been so supportive that you’ve de-prioritized yourself to the model you’re supporting. And even worse to feel like your support might actually be a hinderance, but at the same time, going away for a while (or quieting down on the tips) is definitely a hinderance (financially and maybe also in terms of morale).

Keep in mind that the model has said nothing to me about this and it’s all in my own head. But when you brought up not relying on a whale, it resonated because I’m currently feeling “whale guilt” of sorts. Carry on. lol

 

[AudriTwo]

Kind of a side topic, but I’m in the middle of this exact tightrope-walk right now, but from the other side of it (I’m the tipper). It’s clear to me that the model in question needs more & different tippers. It’s a weird feeling when you start thinking you’ve been so supportive that you’ve de-prioritized yourself to the model you’re supporting. And even worse to feel like your support might actually be a hinderance, but at the same time, going away for a while (or quieting down on the tips) is definitely a hinderance (financially and maybe also in terms of morale).

Keep in mind that the model has said nothing to me about this and it’s all in my own head. But when you brought up not relying on a whale, it resonated because I’m currently feeling “whale guilt” of sorts. Carry on. lol

It's not your responsibility to fund a model's livelihood. Your job is to have fun and be entertained. If you need to step away for your own needs, understandable. During that time a model is either going to sink or swim, and that is 100% on her. You keep doing what you are comfortable with and in your means.

 

[Deleted member 37064]

It's not your responsibility to fund a model's livelihood. Your job is to have fun and be entertained. If you need to step away for your own needs, understandable. During that time a model is either going to sink or swim, and that is 100% on her. You keep doing what you are comfortable with and in your means.

Yep! It’s one of the risks of being self-employed. Sure, we don’t want to see someone we’ve come to know be put in a bad spot. But,we need to make sure we don’t put ourselves at risk too. Otherwise there’s two people in trouble.

 

[Smoothie]

Yep! It’s one of the risks of being self-employed. Sure, we don’t want to see someone we’ve come to know be put in a bad spot. But,we need to make sure we don’t put ourselves at risk too. Otherwise there’s two people in trouble.

For sure. And to be clear, I stay within my means. My dilemma is less financial (other than concern for the model not having enough of a safety net in terms of other tippers), and more self-doubt. I also have to remind myself that I have no control over other tippers. I can’t make another whale appear even if I wanted to, so I guess I should stop shouldering guilt about it.

 

[Olive]

I definitely can relate to OP, for me I honestly don't know if the feelings of guilt ever completely go away, but I'm trying to work with it.

One big thing for me is to try and make my room about 'teamwork' and growing together so we can all share the fruits.
I always say that I'd rather have 20 people tipping 100tk than 1 person tipping 2000tk (although I also mention that best would be both obviously lol)

One thing I would advice, is try to avoid letting people know that you feel this way,
because there are some members who will try and take advantage of it. Which will raise an entirely different set of challenges.

For me personally I think feelings like this signal that there's something that you can possibly take from the situation which might help you grow as a person, if you can figure out the how's and the why's.

As an example for me how I try to deal with it is taking one of the thoughts I have that feeds into the guilt like
"Me or what I do aren't worth this level of support/ I don't measure up etc"
And countering that with thoughts that are more helpful like
"People tell me a make a big difference in their lives and they appreciate what I do for them"

Or "If I were them I wouldn't spend this much on so and so"
into: "I don't know someones budget and I am not tricking anyone into doing anything against their will by tipping me//They're all adults and I can not (and should not) presume to know what's best for them and/or their situation" etc.

It seems a bit silly, but re-framing your thoughts into something that's helpful in a situation VS harmful really does make a difference.

 

[cbhours]

Your tippers wouldn't want you to feel guilty about it if anything I would think they would be disappointed in their tips making you feel guilty in which case shouldn't you feel guilty about feeling guilty?

 

[Olive]

Your tippers wouldn't want you to feel guilty about it if anything I would think they would be disappointed in their tips making you feel guilty in which case shouldn't you feel guilty about feeling guilty?

Actually.. You'd be surprised at what certain tippers would or wouldn't want models to feel

 

[HarlowGolde]

Thank you all so much for your insight, I really do appreciate it. I've been checking the responses all day and I already feel significantly better. I am able to rationally understand all of this advice, it just takes some time for my heart to catch up.

As far as diversifying my members goes, this is definitely what I want and am working toward. I am tremendously grateful for the contribution of the member who inspired this thread, but I just wasn't expecting it and was thrown off by my guilt and panic. I think that I will go with my gut (and with what I'm being told here) and not necessarily count on that to be a regular thing, and more of a treat, while I work on gaining a following and getting out there more. I'm a little bit unconventional in my appearance (an in-between straight-sized/bbw with tiny boobs) so I tend to use related tags to attract viewers, but I'm worried I'm cutting myself short by categorizing myself that way. I'm trying my best.

Most of my experience is in hospitality and I would sometimes feel similar when bartending, and I felt really down about that at times....Mind you, the context is slightly different from sex work, and the clubs I am used to working in are very community-based; so I knew a lot about the personal lives, addiction/substance use issues, and finances of those customers. Ugh.

My former social work background comes in handy in many ways in this industry, but this is one of the ways it interferes, I'm afraid.

Thank you again, everybody. I'm really grateful for this forum.

 

[Parking]

the clubs I am used to working in are very community-based; so I knew a lot about the personal lives, addiction/substance use issues, and finances of those customers. Ugh.

My former social work background comes in handy in many ways in this industry, but this is one of the ways it interferes, I'm afraid.

Damn, you're probably a cool person. Relax with the guilty part a bit, but keep up your beliefs and understanding. Your social work background and beliefs are respectable.

 

[Mila_]

Kind of a side topic, but I’m in the middle of this exact tightrope-walk right now, but from the other side of it (I’m the tipper). It’s clear to me that the model in question needs more & different tippers. It’s a weird feeling when you start thinking you’ve been so supportive that you’ve de-prioritized yourself to the model you’re supporting. And even worse to feel like your support might actually be a hinderance, but at the same time, going away for a while (or quieting down on the tips) is definitely a hinderance (financially and maybe also in terms of morale).

Keep in mind that the model has said nothing to me about this and it’s all in my own head. But when you brought up not relying on a whale, it resonated because I’m currently feeling “whale guilt” of sorts. Carry on. lol

If you really mean this and it isn’t just some sort of twisted humblebrag... then here are some tips on what to do as “a whale” to avoid wrecking a models room.

1) Skip some days: don’t show up on every stream. Your presence (and tipping) becomes expected and it (a) intimidates new potential tippers (b) removes the pressure from old regulars in the room to contribute towards the show. People can suck sometimes and if someone believes you will clear the goal they will let you do it on your own even if they could contribute and would if you weren’t there.

2) When you do show up, dont stay the whole stream. Don’t arrive before the model and leave after her. Just let some air in the room so she can build relationships and interact with new people without your presence there. “Whales” become a part of the show in a way that by the nature of their tipping they take a lot of attention and intimidate small and medium tippers.

3) Do interact with other tippers in a cool way. Don’t be too competitive or you will scare them away...don’t get too personal or heavy.. just some banter and a good sense of humor will make others like you and want to help tackle goals.

4) Don’t make the model your life priority. Don’t tip so much that you skip spending on necessities or even hobbies and luxuries. Sometimes when you treat others this way and go above and beyond you feel too invested in the reaction or the response, when you don’t get the response you think you deserve you get frustrated and that resentment builds up and poisons the room. Just don’t think of it as a job or a sacrifice and see it as something you enjoy and will spend within your means instead

 

[Smoothie]

If you really mean this and it isn’t just some sort of twisted humblebrag... then here are some tips on what to do as “a whale” to avoid wrecking a models room.

1) Skip some days: don’t show up on every stream. Your presence (and tipping) becomes expected and it (a) intimidates new potential tippers (b) removes the pressure from old regulars in the room to contribute towards the show. People can suck sometimes and if someone believes you will clear the goal they will let you do it on your own even if they could contribute and would if you weren’t there.

2) When you do show up, dont stay the whole stream. Don’t arrive before the model and leave after her. Just let some air in the room so she can build relationships and interact with new people without your presence there. “Whales” become a part of the show in a way that by the nature of their tipping they take a lot of attention and intimidate small and medium tippers.

3) Do interact with other tippers in a cool way. Don’t be too competitive or you will scare them away...don’t get too personal or heavy.. just some banter and a good sense of humor will make others like you and want to help tackle goals.

4) Don’t make the model your life priority. Don’t tip so much that you skip spending on necessities or even hobbies and luxuries. Sometimes when you treat others this way and go above and beyond you feel too invested in the reaction or the response, when you don’t get the response you think you deserve you get frustrated and that resentment builds up and poisons the room. Just don’t think of it as a job or a sacrifice and see it as something you enjoy and will spend within your means instead

I did mean it, and all of this makes a lot of sense. I appreciate it.

 

[Makko]

Never thought this would happen to me, but I got into a similar situation. I started visiting this model, small room, low camscore, Eastern European no less.... Not multicamming (only hear mfc tipsounds).
Did a TruePrivate with her and told I wanted to do another next week.
Then she starts with things like "I don't want you to spend too much on me" I feel uncomfortable with your spending". I mean really what's up with that? Is this some weird tactic? Is this the one EE girl that feels guilty for getting paid?
I said, I can afford it, I like seeing you happy, etc. Not sure how to approach this.

 

[Deleted member 37064]

Never thought this would happen to me, but I got into a similar situation. I started visiting this model, small room, low camscore, Eastern European no less.... Not multicamming (only hear mfc tipsounds).
Did a TruePrivate with her and told I wanted to do another next week.
Then she starts with things like "I don't want you to spend too much on me" I feel uncomfortable with your spending". I mean really what's up with that? Is this some weird tactic? Is this the one EE girl that feels guilty for getting paid?
I said, I can afford it, I like seeing you happy, etc. Not sure how to approach this.

I have experienced similar with a model I visit regularly. When we go private, if we're just chatting for a couple of minutes afterwards, she says that she doesn't want me to waste my tokens in private with her, and she'd rather talk in public chat. It's nice to know she thinks that way. But, I don't mind the TPvt time either as I had planned on a certain amount anyway. Usually when this is the case, I'll tip the rest in public chat anyways. Sometimes her room is pretty busy, other times hardly at all.

 

[MarieElise]

M

Never thought this would happen to me, but I got into a similar situation. I started visiting this model, small room, low camscore, Eastern European no less.... Not multicamming (only hear mfc tipsounds).
Did a TruePrivate with her and told I wanted to do another next week.
Then she starts with things like "I don't want you to spend too much on me" I feel uncomfortable with your spending". I mean really what's up with that? Is this some weird tactic? Is this the one EE girl that feels guilty for getting paid?
I said, I can afford it, I like seeing you happy, etc. Not sure how to approach this.

Maybe she has an issue with anxiety. Maybe it might be helpful to reassure her that all is good (in general). She might come from a recent background of not having much money, or a history of poverty, where whatever amount you are spending, is considered a huge amount to her. Maybe another customer who was spending similar amounts to you, or had a similar buying pattern, recently got weird on her. Maybe she just got out of a weird relationship, and she's scared you are really her ex, making up a fake profile, and obsessing over her. Could be a number of things. I hope that helps. Or maybe it's some kind of mind game. I guess that is possible too.

ETA; Some people might find the mind game thing super hot... if it is. Just saying. Might be her "thing".

 

[Makko]

ETA; Some people might find the mind game thing super hot... if it is. Just saying. Might be her "thing".

Maybe. But I just like to do another Private with her. It was so good last time. It was a bit short, because it was a bit late and so I said, next one will be longer. Than she said all those things.
I'm not rich, but I can still afford around 12k tokens a month. I think the past 3 weeks I spent (including the Private) about 4000 on her. So really not that much.
If she speaks the truth and it's not some mind game, then I'm afraid that if I will do the Private, makes her even more unfcomfortable. To the point she doesn't want me in her room anymore.
It really makes me a bit sad and I'm not sure what to do next. I guess I'll try to talk to her some more about it when I see her online again.

 

[CheeseMoon]

It really makes me a bit sad and I'm not sure what to do next.

I can relate to this. The model's semi frequent mentioning of my spending eventually made me feel weird about the whole thing, so I stopped going there after a couple of months. Discussing what you can or cannot afford with a model isn't my idea of a sexy time. She probably had the best of intentions, but goddammit so had I

 

[AussieCosplay]

Thank you for posting this! I see a long winded but similar post the other night then accidentally deleted it.
I've recently started camming full time (thanks lockdown), and now have some members who pop in almost every day.
Some are very generous and I've been concerned that they might be blowing their budget, I ended up messaging one about it and he reassured me that I was only receiving his surplus disposable income.
It's been weighing on me as I care about these people, we spend so much time together and I can see how easy it would be to spend more than planned.
I wouldn't ask just any member about their finances though, only if we spoke enough that it wouldn't feel intrusive.

I used to do topless waitressing and stripping. I can tell you I always felt too guilty to empty a persons wallet, but there certainly are some seemingly bottomless wallets out there.
Eg. Many years ago some guy tipped me $850 over the course of the night to sit with his friend while he got lapdances off my friend. It blew my mind. Especially because that was just tips, goodness knows what he gave her!

So I guess I'm trying to say that every person has a different situation and we end up in the uncomfortable position of having no idea what that is.
At the end of the day we're all adults and they're allowed to spend their money on whatever they like, better on us than a drug habit or a 7th Rolex I guess!

 

[MarieElise]

Maybe. But I just like to do another Private with her. It was so good last time. It was a bit short, because it was a bit late and so I said, next one will be longer. Than she said all those things.
I'm not rich, but I can still afford around 12k tokens a month. I think the past 3 weeks I spent (including the Private) about 4000 on her. So really not that much.
If she speaks the truth and it's not some mind game, then I'm afraid that if I will do the Private, makes her even more unfcomfortable. To the point she doesn't want me in her room anymore.
It really makes me a bit sad and I'm not sure what to do next. I guess I'll try to talk to her some more about it when I see her online again.

Hopefully, if you talk to her about it honestly, all will be good. Idk what tokens are worth, I don't do token sites, but I'll try and see what 12K tokens mean in $. Like I said, I'm sure everything will be fine if you talk to her about it. Of all the things it could be, I think manipulation or mind game is probably least likely. A lot of weird stuff happens when you are a model, and communication can get difficult sometimes.

 

[Deleted member 37064]

Hopefully, if you talk to her about it honestly, all will be good. Idk what tokens are worth, I don't do token sites, but I'll try and see what 12K tokens mean in $. Like I said, I'm sure everything will be fine if you talk to her about it. Of all the things it could be, I think manipulation or mind game is probably least likely. A lot of weird stuff happens when you are a model, and communication can get difficult sometimes.

If one takes the “average” purchase price of tokens, it works out to about $0.08 to $0.085 cents a token. There are bigger packages which reduce it to about $0.08, or maybe slightly less. But, not much.

I would also throw out to the topic that it might be a lot of money compared to her local economy. As someone mentioned, she might not be used to seeing that much. Ifthe two do talk, be open and understanding to her position as well. Might be casual and affordable but she might think otherwise.