Boyfriend Issues.

[KeelyAimee]

My boyfriend and I are very in sync with each other, sexually, emotionally, I don't know, we say we're each others soul mates. It's like we've known each other for a life time and we're so in tune with each other. However, his last relationship was 6 years long, and they were engaged to be married when they called it off last December. That girl was his first girl he ever slept with, and now I'm only his second, and he says "I wish I met you like 5 years from now".

I've had my fun, I've slept with my fair share of people, dated around, and have done all that, and even though I'm young, I know he is who I want to end up with. We've discussed this, saying we both want to end up with each other. But he wants that "fun" period, that dating around, sleeping around, one night stands, and he says he didn't think the next relationship he would get in would be a permanent one.

Basically, we've already sort of talked about the idea that we want to marry each other. What I don't understand is if you love someone why you would want to sleep with other girls. I sort of touched on making our relationship an open relationship, he can go out and do his thing, as long as at the end of the day he's with me. We discussed a sort of "Hall Pass" (in reference to that god awful movie with whats-his-face).

I know the quote, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it dosent, then it was never meant to be.". We're definitely not a conventional couple, whatsoever. But, it seems that forcing him to another girls arms is sort of ridiculous. I keep thinking I'm okay with the idea in theory, but when I think of him giving another girl the same affection he gives me, it makes me literally nauseous.

I just don't want him to resent me, and years down the road, if we're married and have a family, he cheats on me or whatever because he didn't get to sleep around. Is it really that important to a guy to have that time, or am I lacking something he's looking for?


Any help, or encouragement would be awesome, or if anyone tried an open relationship please let me know. I'm just lost right now.

 

[sxycherrypie]

Hun I feel for you *hugs*. If it was me i would not let him sleep around with another girl unless I was involved.If he loves you he would not even think about another girl unless the 2 of you were talking about polyamory but I think you want to be with him and only him.Tell him it bothers you to think of him making love to another woman like he does you and that it makes you ill.Tell him how you feel. Hunny if he resents you cause you want to be the only girl he makes love to and the only girl he comes home to everyday and night,the only girl you want him to love then I am sorry to say hun but he is not worth it.

 

[KeelyAimee]

Hun I feel for you *hugs*. If it was me i would not let him sleep around with another girl unless I was involved.If he loves you he would not even think about another girl unless the 2 of you were talking about polyamory but I think you want to be with him and only him.Tell him it bothers you to think of him making love to another woman like he does you and that it makes you ill.Tell him how you feel. Hunny if he resents you cause you want to be the only girl he makes love to and the only girl he comes home to everyday and night,the only girl you want him to love then I am sorry to say hun but he is not worth it.

We talked a little bit more about it, and he decided to drop it and said he wants to do whatever makes me happy. I just don't want him to resent me, we aren't talking about polyamory, we would both be down to threesome with another girl, but not bring another girl into our relationship for anything other than a sexual time.

 

[sxycherrypie]

Hun I feel for you *hugs*. If it was me i would not let him sleep around with another girl unless I was involved.If he loves you he would not even think about another girl unless the 2 of you were talking about polyamory but I think you want to be with him and only him.Tell him it bothers you to think of him making love to another woman like he does you and that it makes you ill.Tell him how you feel. Hunny if he resents you cause you want to be the only girl he makes love to and the only girl he comes home to everyday and night,the only girl you want him to love then I am sorry to say hun but he is not worth it.

We talked a little bit more about it, and he decided to drop it and said he wants to do whatever makes me happy. I just don't want him to resent me, we aren't talking about polyamory, we would both be down to threesome with another girl, but not bring another girl into our relationship for anything other than a sexual time.

That's good to hear hun =D.Glad you guys talked it out and worked something out.

 

[AedanRayne]

If he loves you he would not even think about another girl unless the 2 of you were talking about polyamory but I think you want to be with him and only him.

Men & woman can think about other people while they're in love with someone. Fantasizing is very healthy in a relationship and should be encouraged between SO's.

I do not have any advice to give Zoe at this time. It's a very tough situation and my heart goes out to you. I'll check back in after I give it a bit of thought. *big hug* Stay strong, Miss Zoe.

 

[PlayboyMegan]

I understand. I've only been with 4men. But you can't have both. That's what he needs to realize. If it's making you sick thinking about him being with other women, I have a feeling it will really hurt your relationship. He needs to get over the "I just want to have fun stage" and be with you. Or lose you and have fun. I just don't see him being able to have both, with the way you are feeling about it. It's not like he is just fantasizing about it. He is actually thinking of doing it! That's a bit crazy to me. The STD rate is very high. HPV is an STD that men cannot be tested for and you can get even with a condom on. Do you really want him sleeping around and coming back to you with that? It's a really unsafe idea. :twocents-02cents:

 

[PlayboyMegan]

We talked a little bit more about it, and he decided to drop it and said he wants to do whatever makes me happy. I just don't want him to resent me, we aren't talking about polyamory, we would both be down to threesome with another girl, but not bring another girl into our relationship for anything other than a sexual time.

lol Read this too late. This sounds like a good idea to me. No feelings attached. But again, I would just be careful about it. If you feel like it's a bad idea at all before or after, just know, that you don't have to do it and if he really loves you, he wouldn't NEED it.

 

[Jupiter551]

If it's making you sick thinking about him being with other women, I have a feeling it will really hurt your relationship. He needs to get over the "I just want to have fun stage" and be with you. Or lose you and have fun. I just don't see him being able to have both, with the way you are feeling about it.

Even though the situation is resolved, for what it's worth I agree with Megan.

It's pretty clear you only want him and you want him to only want you. Now while you can't force his feelings or desires to be a certain way I think the worst possible thing you could do in this situation is to tell him it's okay, when it really isn't okay. Sometimes, it's important for people to realise they can't have their cake and eat it too.

While I'm not suggesting you make a dramatic ultimatum, as Megan said he needs to get used to the idea that he can have you, or he can sleep with any woman he wants anytime he likes, but not both, if you want a monogamous relationship.

Everyone has fantasies of people outside their relationship from time to time, for those of us in monogamous relationships the responsible ones just deal with it. My last longterm girlfriend, whenever I'd feel like I wanted to take a fantasy further and make it reality I would imagine the look of hurt and betrayal in her eyes if I told her I'd cheated on her...and it was more than enough to keep me honest.

 

[KeelyAimee]

If it's making you sick thinking about him being with other women, I have a feeling it will really hurt your relationship. He needs to get over the "I just want to have fun stage" and be with you. Or lose you and have fun. I just don't see him being able to have both, with the way you are feeling about it.

Even though the situation is resolved, for what it's worth I agree with Megan.

It's pretty clear you only want him and you want him to only want you. Now while you can't force his feelings or desires to be a certain way I think the worst possible thing you could do in this situation is to tell him it's okay, when it really isn't okay. Sometimes, it's important for people to realise they can't have their cake and eat it too.

While I'm not suggesting you make a dramatic ultimatum, as Megan said he needs to get used to the idea that he can have you, or he can sleep with any woman he wants anytime he likes, but not both, if you want a monogamous relationship.

Everyone has fantasies of people outside their relationship from time to time, for those of us in monogamous relationships the responsible ones just deal with it. My last longterm girlfriend, whenever I'd feel like I wanted to take a fantasy further and make it reality I would imagine the look of hurt and betrayal in her eyes if I told her I'd cheated on her...and it was more than enough to keep me honest.

Exactly. I'm not saying it's a ridiculous thing for him to have fantasies of other women, I think it's healthy, and quite frankly I'd be concerned if he didn't have those fantasies. We discuss them and are very open and honest with each other. He says it's not worth ever hurting me to act on said fantasies. Thanks for all your help everyone

 

[lordmagellan]

I can probably tell you what's in his mind, as I've had a similar experience. For a while my wife was the only woman I'd been with. Everything he's feeling is normal. "Is this really what I want-FOREVER?" "Am I really as good as she says I am?" (Yes, a little ego is involved, whether he admits it or not.) "Am I settling for this girl and is it worth settling for?"

The question to really concern yourself with is, "is it only about sex? Or is he talking about having other relationships?" Sex is the easy part, especially with someone as open sounding as you are with regards to extra-curricula. I don't remember from your profile, but if you're into girls, too, have fun with it. My wife and I check out girls all the time, even letting each other know when we spot something worth looking at. If he's like me he may think of having another girl, for himself, but he'll actually want a girl to share with you. Because who wouldn't want to play four titties?!

Polyamory is a bit different. It's a little more involved. Either way, you two have to remain completely open and honest with each other.

 

[PlayboyMegan]

I talked to a guy friend about this and he said that is he dates a woman that has had way more partners it makes him feel insecure and "not on her level" he said your bf might be doing this to get on your level and feel that you guys are equal and not so apart in the number of sex partners. I've had very few, so has he, and both of us have felt that way before. So it could be. Who knows? But I thought I'd throw that out there!

 

[KeelyAimee]

I talked to a guy friend about this and he said that is he dates a woman that has had way more partners it makes him feel insecure and "not on her level" he said your bf might be doing this to get on your level and feel that you guys are equal and not so apart in the number of sex partners. I've had very few, so has he, and both of us have felt that way before. So it could be. Who knows? But I thought I'd throw that out there!

Well, I'm only the second person he's been with, and I've had about 10 times more than that...so yeah, I can see how he'd be insecure. And he says he doesn't want another relationship, just wants to have more sexual partners just for that experience. He says you're who I want to come home to at the end of the day. Right now, we're just focusing on maybe trying to find a girl for a threesome.

 

[Jupiter551]

Well, I'm only the second person he's been with, and I've had about 10 times more than that...so yeah, I can see how he'd be insecure. And he says he doesn't want another relationship, just wants to have more sexual partners just for that experience. He says you're who I want to come home to at the end of the day. Right now, we're just focusing on maybe trying to find a girl for a threesome.

If he was insecure about his sexual performance or experience you'd think he'd be more likely to be comfortable with you than with a bunch of potential new partners.

Just my :twocents-02cents: but as a fellow male, this sounds to me like he's trying to play you a little over this. Yeah, it's possible for guys and girls to feel a little insecure about their partner's comparative experiences but to suggest that means the cure for it is to try to "catch up" is like suggesting 2+2=5.

Maybe you should discuss this with your non adult-industry related colleagues and viewers. There's a lot of intelligent, funny and cool people around here and MFC etc, but when it comes to sex and relationships we are DEFINITELY a skewed microcosm.

You should do whatever makes you happy Zoe but if that isn't going to be an open relationship you might just be opening pandora's box by giving him the green light. Maybe I misread your earlier posts but it sounded to me like the thought of him being intimate with another woman made you uncomfortable. It might just be sex to him, when it's happening in front of your face it might not neccesarily just be sex to YOU (watching him with someone else). If you have any doubts about this, just remember you can't unsee some shit and you can't undo some shit.

BTW If you want to do it I'd suggest hiring an escort or two every now and then as a potential solution. No entanglements, no issues, just business for them and experience (and fun) for you and he. You also don't have to search around for some single girl and can pick the ones you want

 

[Keithy]

Have him stick it in your pooper.

 

[KeelyAimee]

Have him stick it in your pooper.

I keep asking and he keeps saying that's an exit only.

 

[lordmagellan]

Have him stick it in your pooper.

I keep asking and he keeps saying that's an exit only.

Well, if you decide to let him go play and you get lonely......

 

[CutieRaena]

Being so called in love I don't think he should feel that way. If he knew how he was feeling when him and the other girl split-up, I think that he should have had is fun period then. I would tell him that he either cuts it out, or doesn't have you. He can't have his cake and eat it too!! :hand: I could understand if maybe yall have had a lot of strains in the relationship... but how you sound is as if yall are both supposed to be in love with one another, and for him to feel that way is wrong. I mean I just don't see someone in love thinking this way... If he is in love with you like you are with him, he should feel no desire but to have you forever. I would leave him, seriously.

 

[CutieRaena]

I understand. I've only been with 4men. But you can't have both. That's what he needs to realize. If it's making you sick thinking about him being with other women, I have a feeling it will really hurt your relationship. He needs to get over the "I just want to have fun stage" and be with you. Or lose you and have fun. I just don't see him being able to have both, with the way you are feeling about it. It's not like he is just fantasizing about it. He is actually thinking of doing it! That's a bit crazy to me. The STD rate is very high. HPV is an STD that men cannot be tested for and you can get even with a condom on. Do you really want him sleeping around and coming back to you with that? It's a really unsafe idea. :twocents-02cents:

I agree a lot with Megan.
3 somes would not be a good idea either, he may like that but you wouldn't. When you're trying to build something up to last forever, you don't go sleeping with other people or want to go do that.

 

[LaceyRoyce]

I felt like that with my ex-husband. I wanted to experience MORE life before i was with him. I felt like i'd given him my entire childhood.

Open relationships can work, but it doesn't sound like that's for you from your reaction.

The only slightly useful input I have is a *HUG* - these things are not simple, or easy.

 

[RedHerby1]

:..... I would leave him, seriously.

if you end a relation every time a man says something stupid or act like a fool when its related to sex, then you will have a lot of breakups in your life.

I think she is on the right track to fix it, talking about it with her BF, finding a possible solution, asking for advice here. ( hmm, that last one is maybe not so smart, jupiter has a point about the crowd here )

 

[Jupiter551]

:..... I would leave him, seriously.

if you end a relation every time a man says something stupid or act like a fool when its related to sex, then you will have a lot of breakups in your life.

I think she is on the right track to fix it, talking about it with her BF, finding a possible solution, asking for advice here. ( hmm, that last one is maybe not so smart, jupiter has a point about the crowd here )

Well she's just saying what her reaction would be...and to be fair, telling your girlfriend you want to sleep around is more than saying something stupid about sex. Most girlfriends would have a bit of a meltdown about that, and leave a guy over it if he was serious/continued.

 

[KeelyAimee]

:..... I would leave him, seriously.

if you end a relation every time a man says something stupid or act like a fool when its related to sex, then you will have a lot of breakups in your life.

I think she is on the right track to fix it, talking about it with her BF, finding a possible solution, asking for advice here. ( hmm, that last one is maybe not so smart, jupiter has a point about the crowd here )

Well she's just saying what her reaction would be...and to be fair, telling your girlfriend you want to sleep around is more than saying something stupid about sex. Most girlfriends would have a bit of a meltdown about that, and leave a guy over it if he was serious/continued.

Yeah, I'm not most girlfriends though and we definitely aren't a conventional couple whatsoever. We're so much better now though, I suggested lots of role play to add to that fantasy appeal he has of fucking someone random. He seems to enjoy it

 

[Sevrin]

I don't know you and I don't know your boyfriend, and I'm always suspicious of miraculous recoveries, but I hope that you two work things out in time.

 

[Jupiter551]

Well she's just saying what her reaction would be...and to be fair, telling your girlfriend you want to sleep around is more than saying something stupid about sex. Most girlfriends would have a bit of a meltdown about that, and leave a guy over it if he was serious/continued.

Yeah, I'm not most girlfriends though and we definitely aren't a conventional couple whatsoever. We're so much better now though, I suggested lots of role play to add to that fantasy appeal he has of fucking someone random. He seems to enjoy it

Oh I know, I was just pointing out I don't think CutieRaena was actually suggesting you leave your boyfriend (no one has the right to suggest that here).

And I'm glad things are working better

 

[KeelyAimee]

I don't know you and I don't know your boyfriend, and I'm always suspicious of miraculous recoveries, but I hope that you two work things out in time.

It's not totally fixed, but we hashed it out, there were tears and misunderstandings, but we talked for a few hours and things are definitely on the road to recovery I should say. Heh.

 

[Bocefish]

Honest communication is the key :thumbleft:

 

[missmeowmixx]

Hey love! This might be kinda long but i hope i can provide some insight from someone who has been, and kind of still is, in an open relationship/marriage, and make you feel good about your situation (although it seems you do already, which is awesome and good job. :thumbleft:

I will say first of all that I understand where Both of you are coming from (in a way at least). I have had not very many sexual partners and I also have a Poly mind somehow.. I LOVE my man, more than anything and i would never want to Be with anyone else as my other half. But, I still get crushes on people sometimes, and I fantasize the hellllllll out of it.

Now what I have learned over the years is that real life IS NOT fantasy most of the time!!!! All those other people you want to have "fun" with have emotions and baggage and all sorts of Human crap going on too. You gotta be really upfront about this stuff, with each other and with potential partners! He may fantasize about doing random chicks, or having a 3some, but if he Did it for real, he might change his mind. (believe me!!! both my man and i have fantasized to the ends of TIME about someone, and then when it came possible we were like O_O uhhh.. nevermind.)

Satisfying sex, in my experience, comes with learning each other and longterm exploration. But sometimes you want to run with that feeling of spicey new attraction!! And you really can learn some fun stuff from "outsiders" : so keeping the possibility open is a way to avoid that feeling of being "stuck" with the person you Love. You do love each other, but you're also human - and guys especially just have the biological need to SPREAD THE SEEEED! sometimes you need to let it be, to save that Love.

Anyhow, I have gotten into 'things' on the side with people, and its been very hurtful to my husband. hes gotten into 'things' too and its been hurtful to me. But we both tend to think about/explore those ideas, of playing with someone else (whether it be threesome or twosome) or having a relationship with them. And it's good to allow those feelings to get expressed and explored and talked about and enjoyed, because otherwise they just fester and grow.. so we do it sometimes. and the lessons we learn from doing it, we turn into Rules for each other.

Having Rules is a good way to know if you are going to be able to be with each other! If 1) you're constantly wanting to Break the Rules you set, thats not a good sign. 2)one of you breaks the Rules and then lies about it, also not a good sign.

Our rules are: No intercourse with other people. Anything else is allowed when both are present. no playing around with people we dont know except for making out. If you have a crush or serious thoughts about sexual interactions with someone, you must tell the other one. if they have been given a headsup about it, minor sexytimes with said person are permitted but the other should be informed. (no gender specifics, intercourse includes buttsecks.)

we have been married for 4 years and I'm learning that there are -lots- of opportunities to play out these scenarios if you are patient. Having found your "One", the person you want to come Home to, does Not mean that you don't have any more chances to have fun. It means you have a cushion, a love seat to support you in your journey. Swingers aplenty in this world, dungeons and digital boudoirs! And over the years your ideas may change, you may decide you want more or less open-ness. And if you've found that One person then you have many MANY MANY years together to do it ALL! :color: :color:

Oh and, adultfriendfinder.com is apparently quite genius for this sort of thing. I don't use it, but one of my bosses does and he says its the shit lol.

NuFF SAID! :handgestures-salute: many lucks and loves to you and Yours madam! Keep it real :bootyshake: brofist boobiebump!

 

[Jupiter551]

intercourse includes buttsecks.

Hahah would have loved to be a fly-on-the-wall during the conversation where that became a rule :mrgreen:

 

[KeelyAimee]

Hey love! This might be kinda long but i hope i can provide some insight from someone who has been, and kind of still is, in an open relationship/marriage, and make you feel good about your situation (although it seems you do already, which is awesome and good job. :thumbleft:

I will say first of all that I understand where Both of you are coming from (in a way at least). I have had not very many sexual partners and I also have a Poly mind somehow.. I LOVE my man, more than anything and i would never want to Be with anyone else as my other half. But, I still get crushes on people sometimes, and I fantasize the hellllllll out of it.

Now what I have learned over the years is that real life IS NOT fantasy most of the time!!!! All those other people you want to have "fun" with have emotions and baggage and all sorts of Human crap going on too. You gotta be really upfront about this stuff, with each other and with potential partners! He may fantasize about doing random chicks, or having a 3some, but if he Did it for real, he might change his mind. (believe me!!! both my man and i have fantasized to the ends of TIME about someone, and then when it came possible we were like O_O uhhh.. nevermind.)

Satisfying sex, in my experience, comes with learning each other and longterm exploration. But sometimes you want to run with that feeling of spicey new attraction!! And you really can learn some fun stuff from "outsiders" : so keeping the possibility open is a way to avoid that feeling of being "stuck" with the person you Love. You do love each other, but you're also human - and guys especially just have the biological need to SPREAD THE SEEEED! sometimes you need to let it be, to save that Love.

Anyhow, I have gotten into 'things' on the side with people, and its been very hurtful to my husband. hes gotten into 'things' too and its been hurtful to me. But we both tend to think about/explore those ideas, of playing with someone else (whether it be threesome or twosome) or having a relationship with them. And it's good to allow those feelings to get expressed and explored and talked about and enjoyed, because otherwise they just fester and grow.. so we do it sometimes. and the lessons we learn from doing it, we turn into Rules for each other.

Having Rules is a good way to know if you are going to be able to be with each other! If 1) you're constantly wanting to Break the Rules you set, thats not a good sign. 2)one of you breaks the Rules and then lies about it, also not a good sign.

Our rules are: No intercourse with other people. Anything else is allowed when both are present. no playing around with people we dont know except for making out. If you have a crush or serious thoughts about sexual interactions with someone, you must tell the other one. if they have been given a headsup about it, minor sexytimes with said person are permitted but the other should be informed. (no gender specifics, intercourse includes buttsecks.)

we have been married for 4 years and I'm learning that there are -lots- of opportunities to play out these scenarios if you are patient. Having found your "One", the person you want to come Home to, does Not mean that you don't have any more chances to have fun. It means you have a cushion, a love seat to support you in your journey. Swingers aplenty in this world, dungeons and digital boudoirs! And over the years your ideas may change, you may decide you want more or less open-ness. And if you've found that One person then you have many MANY MANY years together to do it ALL! :color: :color:

Oh and, adultfriendfinder.com is apparently quite genius for this sort of thing. I don't use it, but one of my bosses does and he says its the shit lol.

NuFF SAID! :handgestures-salute: many lucks and loves to you and Yours madam! Keep it real :bootyshake: brofist boobiebump!

Thank you! This was an awesome response! We have decided actually to try and open the relationship a little bit, we discussed intentions, made ground rules, and are going to be completely open and honest! I'm excited honestly, it's going to be fun and I'm actually really happy to find someone I'm so comfortable with to do this. Ground rules are definitely key as well as open communication.

 

[Zoomer]

Good luck! There are many things I'd have questioned but it is all moot now (mainly as I have a suspicious mind anyway )

Interested to hear how it goes if you are willing to share - but understand private personal matters being read by complete strangers may mean it is unlikely you will want to, let alone feel comfortable doing so