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MarinaThyme

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Dec 16, 2017
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It's taboo, I know, but I think that it's important that the models who are ill can find and see what works well for other models who struggle with mental illness.

I have PTSD and Major Depression Disorder. With all that, just existing is difficult at times when I feel especially low. Finding the energy to get on cam can be impossible some days.

Camming for me sometimes doubles as a safe way for me to explore "exposure therapy" in the sense that I can have control over sexual situations that I didn't have control over in my past and now be rewarded for my effort to move past it. I also find many benefits with it helping me to reduce my anxiety, fear of men and general self-hatred that comes along with the #MeToo related traumas. It's helping me to cope with my traumas a lot more than talk therapy and medication alone.

"Huzman" sees a major difference in my confidence and overall outlook on life. I guess I'm enjoying my life much more now that I'm not so held back by my traumas interfering with my thoughts constantly. I feel like this is a brave and bold choice that may not be seen as a healthy one for some survivors, but it has proven to be very helpful and positive for me, personally.

My advice to models who live with mental illness and still fight to keep their camming career going is...
Never underestimate your strength.
I acknowledge your struggle and efforts to make the most of it, even if nobody else does. Don't give up doing what you love over a chemical imbalance. You can still do whatever you want to do in life, we just may have to work a little harder and take a little longer than others, but that's okay! You're still killing it and fighting the good fight. You're incredible and amazing and powerful.
Never forget that, even on 0 token days!


Do you have a mental illness?
How does it effect you on cam?
Does it interfere with your work?
What positive effects (if any) has camming made for your mental health?
Do you have any tips for other models struggling with mental illness?
 

Starling

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Hi.

My official diagnoses are Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, ADD, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
Yes, all of them.
No, I didn't diagnose myself.
Yes, ADD is a real (and awful) thing.
I am on four daily medications: a mood stabilizer, an antipsychotic, an SSRI, and Vyvanse.

Camming was and continues to be a godsend because traditional work is unsustainable for someone with my kind of mental illness. I've worked in academia/higher ed for two years now and it got to the point where I was having panic attacks in the bathroom on a regular basis and was weeks behind on projects. I'm on a medical leave of absence now, and my last day will be March 1.

My mental illness does affect my camming too- in the past I would promise prizes and then not be able to follow through on them, either because I was paralyzed by anxiety over my to-do list or because I couldn't bring myself to go to the post office. Now that I'm back, I've been VERY deliberate in ensuring that I don't set myself up for failure by promising more than I'm capable of delivering. I'm not doing any physical goods like panties, polaroids, or gift boxes. I'm not doing custom videos. My "fan club" is by invitation only and the only rewards are an avatar and a monthly pizza & movie night.

Camming has also given me a support system. When I was alone in Chicago responsible for $2k rent and had just been broken up with by my partner of several years and my mental health was on the brink of collapse, my regulars banded together and were there for me in ways I will never be able to repay. They tipped me to DO MY DISHES. They tipped me to eat chicken soup because I hadn't had a meal in two days. They helped me pay my bills and listened to me sob my heart out on cam because I couldn't do anything else, just because they considered me a friend. I can't imagine where I'd be right now had I not met this group of intelligent, kind, generous people.

I've also found comfort in the camgirl community. I went to Vegas twice- once for the Camgirl Mansion and once for Sophia Locke's birthday, and both visits I spent time with girls of insanely different backgrounds and personalities who were all united by our common love of doing ridiculous shit on the internet. At one point I remember Sophia Locke, Aella, and I sitting around singing old praise and worship songs while Sophia played guitar, because we all just so happened to be former good little Christian girls. :haha: We bonded over all of the challenges and experiences that are unique to adult workers, camgirls in particular. It was a humbling and powerful experience for me, and has reassured me that adult work is a viable, legitimate career of which I should never be ashamed.

Finally, some advice.

Diana's Tips For Models With Mental Illness:
  1. Be kind to yourself. We hear this a lot in mental health circles, from life coaches and shrinks and New Age gurus, but it truly is important. Pace yourself, know your limits, and preemptively forgive yourself for not being able to be all things to all people or do everything you'd like to do. It is OKAY to take days off because you need self-care. It is OKAY to be honest with your members and fans about where you're at, if that's something with which you feel comfortable. It is OKAY to need help- not just on cam, but in the rest of your life too. Which leads me to number two:

  2. Get help wherever you can. This past year, my partner went through cancer and chemotherapy while I was going through the worst mental health crisis of my life. And, despite the obvious differences in experiences, our suffering was so, so alike. We were both temporarily crippled by what felt like an unending torrent of despair, physical pain, and loneliness. Nobody in a million years would have looked down on him or thought less of him for going to the hospital for treatment, for taking chemotherapy meds, or for struggling to stay happy and optimistic while his body literally fought against him. The same goes for mental health issues. Do what you need to do to be healthy and happy. If that means going to the free mental health clinic for counseling, do it. If it means being on four meds like me, fucking DO IT. It's so easy to get overwhelmed and shut down, but for your own sake you HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.

  3. Don't bite off more than you can chew. When I was at the height of my camming career, I was making quite a bit of money, and my lifelong dream had been to live in downtown Chicago for a year. My room supported me, so I moved. My rent was TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS A MONTH and the stress of making my financial goals was insane. My poor regulars tipped as much as they could, but I know they felt the pressure too. I also got overwhelmed by video requests, raffles, and mega months, so I know now that I need to be very careful about how I implement those things in the future. Basically, know yourself, and act accordingly.

  4. Don't let camming damage you psychologically. At one point, I realized that compared to other girls in my camscore range, and even girls lower than me, my room counts were abysmal. Girls around me on the homepage would have twice or three times as many viewers while they were fully clothed, and I would struggle to get 15 premiums in my room at once even when I was naked. I experimented with every variable I could think of: I tried camming consistently in a different time slot, changed my background and lighting, changed my cam angles, changed my countdowns and topics, etc. Nothing could account for the discrepancy in room counts. My regulars knew how absolutely disheartening it was for me, but even they couldn't explain it. It REALLY got under my skin and into my head, and kind of devastated my self esteem for a while. I've had to learn to emotionally divorce myself from all of the psychological underpinnings that are at play in the camming world in order to stay sane.

  5. Have fun. That's what this should be all about at the end of the day, right? Generally people with mental illness are "blessed" with more intense emotions, more creativity, and more perceptiveness and empathy than most. You can use these gifts to create a magical, uplifting experience for those who enter your room, and their joy will be your joy.

Thanks for reading!
 
Dec 18, 2017
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I have borderline personality disorder, which is a nasty little illness because it can be super subtle...until it isn't. It's so hard to treat, just about impossible to medicate, and therapy takes a LONG time.

I've made a lot of strides, but I always fear that it'll pop back up again. It completely destroyed my last relationship with a man I absolutely adored...now there's a new guy, and I just don't want to lose him, too.

Camming doesn't seem to affect it too much one way or the other. I will say this-- on days where I'm feeling insecure, working is very painful. Also, I kind of internalize what I do and feel worthless. Like I'm only good for sex.

I think a lot of girls in the adult entertainment industry have sexual trauma, so sometimes camming...FOR me...exacerbates that. But sometimes it helps! Sometimes it makes me feel pretty and in control and valuable.

I do know that in my last relationship, when I was camming hardcore I convinced myself that my boyfriend was just using me for sex, that nobody has ever loved me, that guys just look at me and see sex ever since I was 7.

So, I took time away and got my head on straight. I think whatever your circumstances, you have to know WHY you're camming. Where it's taking you. How it's growing you as a person. Otherwise, you might get lost.
 

justjoinedtopost

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I have borderline personality disorder, which is a nasty little illness because it can be super subtle...until it isn't. It's so hard to treat, just about impossible to medicate, and therapy takes a LONG time.
Did you ever have hallucinations?
 
Dec 18, 2017
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Did you ever have hallucinations?
No. You're probably confusing BPD with something else. Many, many people do. I've never heard of people with BPD having hallucinations due to the condition, and delusions would only be the result of a SEVERE breakdown.

Most people with BPD are completely lucid and aware of their issues. It's a personality disorder.
 

alexa_voltage

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How do you go about getting a diagnosis? I learned the hard way that regular doctors dont do shit for you except throw you on pills.
 
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Starling

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How do you go about getting a diagnosis? I learned the hard way that regular doctors dont do shit for you except throw you on pills.
Finding a specialist- the right psychiatrist who understands what you're looking for- is key. And I think there's something to be said for medications if they work for you. I loathed the idea of being on meds for most of my adult life, but they have changed my world and made me (almost) myself again.

Did you ever have hallucinations?
I know this wasn't directed at me, but I've had auditory hallucinations (an ongoing dialogue in my head/ears that I can hear but can't participate in- like I'm picking up on a radio station or hearing neighbors through the walls) and I suffer from a persistent delusion as well.
 
Dec 18, 2017
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Finding a specialist- the right psychiatrist who understands what you're looking for- is key. And I think there's something to be said for medications if they work for you. I loathed the idea of being on meds for most of my adult life, but they have changed my world and made me (almost) myself again.



I know this wasn't directed at me, but I've had auditory hallucinations (an ongoing dialogue in my head/ears that I can hear but can't participate in- like I'm picking up on a radio station or hearing neighbors through the walls) and I suffer from a persistent delusion as well.
My mother has bipolar disorder. Delusions are pretty regular for her, and she's hallucinated before as well. Don't hear about that in BPD tho.
 

Starling

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Yeah, I think it's more of a bipolar thing, as that's in the class of mood disorders associated with those kind of symptoms. Borderline is more of a personality disorder, which isn't typically comorbid with psychotic features.
 
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justjoinedtopost

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No. You're probably confusing BPD with something else. Many, many people do. I've never heard of people with BPD having hallucinations due to the condition, and delusions would only be the result of a SEVERE breakdown.

Most people with BPD are completely lucid and aware of their issues. It's a personality disorder.
ty for the answer.

I am aware of BPD, I like to ask others. Mortals frequently describe me as BPD + (bipolar/schizoaffective/schizophrenic/marvelous/?). Was asking because I have struggled a lot trying to sort out how the different issues are intertwined.
 
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Ann_Sulu

Cam Model
V.I.P. AmberLander
Jun 16, 2012
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I have PTSD and Major Depression Disorder. With all that, just existing is difficult at times when I feel especially low. Finding the energy to get on cam can be impossible some days.
I have a long list of things I'm professionally dx'd with, but I have cPTSD and rapid cycling bipolar I. Anyone ever notice when my twitter goes crazy with a million clips in one day or radio silence for ages aside from #cutes...yeah that's why. The lows have kicked my ass over the years, but at least I can take off if absolutely needed.

Camming for me sometimes doubles as a safe way for me to explore "exposure therapy" in the sense that I can have control over sexual situations that I didn't have control over in my past and now be rewarded for my effort to move past it.
I had social anxiety to an extreme before camming (I actually used to have extreme selective mutism, which only affects me now in situations that remind me of the traumatic times.) It helped me break passed that big time. The fact that I'm hyper-sexual is only a bonus.

Do you have a mental illness?
Um ok gonna see if I can think of it all.

I was diagnosed with OCD (Pure O) as a kid. This isn't like Adrian Monk stuff, but intrusive effed up thoughts. This messes with me more at night. My dad has it worse.

Earlier this year in January I was pushed to see a cognitive behavioral psychologist. My dad was incorrectly given a dx of major depression. I never felt depressed, though have rather flat emotions and often get very high energy and adrenaline that I couldn't see as depression.

After a while of going every week. My psychologist said I matched all but three traits for schizoid personality disorder (I'm willing to talk openly about sexuality, I don't have black and white thinking, and I'm confrontational, which only happened due to camming). She decided I had cyclothymia. Over time I learned I forget super stressful mood disorder things, and after others who knew me talked to her. The verdict was BP1. Went to a psychiatrist for a 2nd opinion, and he agreed. Both seem to agree that I have strong schizoid traits, and that it could simply be the cPTSD (since I lived with a guy for 7 years who abused me for showing emotion as well as putting me through various dangerous situations, and a Munchhausen by proxy mom who did something similar.) Honestly I don't care what the label is, as long as it gets fixed as much as possible. It sucks the most because I'm not an introvert, but the disorder (whichever it is) makes me an extrovert trapped within an introvert.

I have found that I have a deficiency with serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin. I have also learned that if I eat certain foods this helps me feel happier, more motivated, and gain a lot more ability to connect with people. Problem is when I go into a low I don't necessarily want to consume things that make me feel. It's a process.

I found my bipolar meds seem to be bringing back some emotional states which is...interesting. It's not near the amount I used to have, but it's a step. Normally I have to be looking at myself in a mirror or on cam to remind myself to smile. Lately I've been doing it without thinking, and yeah that's pretty cool. ^.^

I have ADHD, and dissociative issues. Being around people helps me with both.

How does it effect you on cam?

SPD/cPTSD makes me cynical and bitchy with a flat "I don't care about you" expression, so yeah I make a great femdom. :p

I really do try to be a nice person though, and folks seem to be cool with me. Only ones who aren't are generally not the type to tip anyone anyhow.

The BP1 and OCD don't exactly do me a lotta good though. Also not sure if I technically have OCD, or if the dr was a moron diagnosing a lil kid. Pretty sure the intrusive thoughts and compulsions could easily be part of the mood disorder (my shrinks both say it's highly possible.)

Does it interfere with your work?
There are certain tricks I picked up throughout the years to deal with my brain glitches. I force myself to do a club video once a week. I force myself to get customs done at a certain specific time...things like that. I want to fulfill my promises and not hate myself for not doing something I feel is simple. I know that can be easier said than done. I don't have kids and such, so that makes it a ton easier.

There admittedly have been times I've had to take a personal day. I couldn't get on cam AT ALL due to a spiraling low. I don't believe I've ever cammed during a low.

What positive effects (if any) has camming made for your mental health?
It got rid of my inability to confront people and made me actually learn to enjoy it. Same with my sexuality. It made me less compliant, and gave me pride in knowing that I've been running my own successful business for years. Chances are if I were in the regular work field I'd be on disability by now, and wouldn't have the income/ability to take time to get the mental health services I can now.

Do you have any tips for other models struggling with mental illness?
Take it slow. If you feel you can't do something, change it. This is YOUR business, so you can do that. At the same time don't take on too much too fast. Don't take it to heart if you don't earn that much yet. Do what you can, and try to get a good doctor who supports you and listens.

Also you can get an emotional therapy pet (I'm in the process of getting one). Get the letter before getting the pet though.

How do you go about getting a diagnosis? I learned the hard way that regular doctors dont do shit for you except throw you on pills.
I went to a psychologist for that exact reason. In my area at least, psychologists can't prescribe anything. All they can do is hear your story, diagnose and help you figure out your way through things.

Finding a specialist- the right psychiatrist who understands what you're looking for- is key. And I think there's something to be said for medications if they work for you. I loathed the idea of being on meds for most of my adult life, but they have changed my world and made me (almost) myself again.
I was terrified of meds for how depressed they made my dad. Turns out anti-depressants are bad for bipolar depression.

My mother has bipolar disorder. Delusions are pretty regular for her, and she's hallucinated before as well. Don't hear about that in BPD tho.
Yeah, I think it's more of a bipolar thing, as that's in the class of mood disorders associated with those kind of symptoms. Borderline is more of a personality disorder, which isn't typically comorbid with psychotic features.
ty for the answer.

I am aware of BPD, I like to ask others. Mortals frequently describe me as BPD + (bipolar/schizoaffective/schizophrenic/marvelous/?). Was asking because I have struggled a lot trying to sort out how the different issues are intertwined.
Yeah both are extremely similar, and can be comorbid. BPD from what I understand has a tendency to be more frequently changing (like can be hourly). Bipolar lasts days if not longer. Mine being rapid cycling can change within 3 days, but usually lasts 2 weeks. With bipolar you can kinda schedule it, though certain extreme situations can speed up the next high/low episode (it generally has to be extreme though).

This is the best explanation I've seen on distinguishing the two.

I thought I might be schizoaffective at one point. It's schizophrenia a mood disorder (pick one). I have a buddy online who is, and he acts VERY similarly to me, however he has hallucinations. I don't see/hear things that aren't there. He and I do have delusions from time to time. His are way more extreme though. He's on meds, and basically if he's off them he can not tell truth from brain fiction most if not all times. From what I understand, he takes his meds religiously for this reason.
 

Ann_Sulu

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I live in a literally constant mixed state. It's super fun.
Oh yeah mixed episodes. Those can go all die in a fucking fire. Like all of them.

For those wondering those are (for me at least) are feelings somewhere between this state.


and this state


If there's a hell, it's a mixed episode.

It's being very very hyped up in energy while being extraordinarily depressed. It shouldn't be allowed to exist.
 
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ExcellaExe

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I am very open about having multiple dx'd mental illnesses. I have OCD that I've been diagnosed with since I was a teenager, dermatillomania (which until recently was under the same umbrella as my OCD but is it's own monster now), co-morbid depression, PTSD from my surgeries that is mostly gone but can get triggered pretty abruptly and severely if I'm not careful, and some pretty intense phobias I'm not going to talk about.

My family also has a history of personality disorders (both sides) as well as mood disorders (grandfather is bipolar II) and there's a case of schizophrenia not too far back, but that's... a complicated instance in our family tree. Needless to say if I have natural kids I'm going to try to keep an eye on them.
 

ExcellaExe

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Why is that?
that's probably not a good question to ask. Just... going to throw that out there. A lot of people find talking about this topic really triggering.
 

Ann_Sulu

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Why is that?
I'm not the one you posted to, but here's my version of it.

I don't have sexual trauma, but do have intimacy issues. Camming helps as exposure therapy in a way, as there isn't the pressure of being in a relationship or having a stranger in person who may physically do harm.
 

ExcellaExe

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I'm not the one you posted to, but here's my version of it.

I don't have sexual trauma, but do have intimacy issues. Camming helps as exposure therapy in a way, as there isn't the pressure of being in a relationship or having a stranger in person who may physically do harm.
My intimacy issues were so much worse before cam, and since I started I've noticed that I've gotten so much better. Even my therapist has noticed. I think it's the act of having to constantly act out intimacy, like you said, an act of exposure therapy, almost constantly, while not having to do it in person. My OCD before cam hated anyone even trying to touch me or come near me (I still don't like people touching me unless I initiate) and it's eased up in the last year.

Side-note: I don't have sexual trauma, I have trauma with people touching me or being in my space without my consent.
 
Aug 2, 2015
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This is random chat and I know I have mental issues (I quit my psychoanalyst many years ago because of not thinking I had a problem, lol, so I have no specific diagnosis) so:

I have this thing where I want to make everyone happy. I can not say 'no' to anyone. At work I get taken advantage of a lot because unlike others who are less agreeable I just want people to like me. This attitude seems to get me the hardest work.

In my life I finally started to stand up for myself! I started saying no! I've had so many people not help me when I needed it at work. It was so strange to just try to be like them and start saying "NO" after 14 years of saying "OK, Yes (will you like me please!!!!!!!!!!!!)." So far it has been mixed results. People on my level in the workplace I have stood up to have kind of been pissed which was fine (and they seemed to get over it). I watch animal behavior on the tv and it seems sort of like that. I'd like to think humans were over the dominance thing but damn, it is strange to be dominated for ever and then assert oneself. People act weird for a bit.

I have a supervisor that is a psychology major and her best buddy is one of the people I said 'no' to recently, and I fear that I might not get a raise even though I work my butt off. My supervisor made a remark about me not helping anymore and I said "Just me?" when I knew her favorite people weren't helping. It was just odd that she would say that. I guess Mr. Dependable to do stuff isn't so dependable anymore. I know this year I will be rated as just average in the yearly performance evaluations.

I believe in myself, I am not trying to bite off more than I can chew for the first time ever (over the years I have tried to prove my worthiness in so many ways), and lord knows I am trying to have fun at work, which seems odd to say. Not sure where to get help as this isn't camming. And, while this isn't camming, I am trying not to let my work psychologically harm me though I think about my work on the weekends and when I am not working. But I am controlling that in bits so far.
 

Ann_Sulu

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@n_i_c_u You really should be proud of yourself. So many people find it impossible to be assertive, and it does so much damage to them. Good job!
 
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Why is that?
It isn't. That's a broad generalized statement with nothing quantitative to back it up. While there are people in the industry obviously with mental illness there's no way to know how widespread mental illness ACTUALLY is. You could say most models hate sex or most models have STD with just as much quantitative evidence to support that as well.
 

MarinaThyme

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Dec 16, 2017
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A lot of people assume with my disability (yes, I am considered disabled by the state) that because I have days where I function very much like a "normal person" that I'm not sick or that I am exaggerating the extent of its severity. Let it be known that I do not like being disabled, it's fucking horrible. That label is disgusting to me and I can do nothing to get that label off of me, but I can fight it and I choose to do my best to fight it. I can't always fight the illness, though. Sometimes, I can't move out of this crippling flood of paranoia and delusional thoughts for WEEKS. Sometimes, I'm the best and most productive mama/housewife you will ever meet. Sometimes, I'm a blubbering mess of emotions for days at a time because of a night terrors I had or a flashback that came seemingly unprovoked.

A peek into my insanity:
People scare the shit out of me. I don't trust you, but I am also begging you to understand me. I do not want you to touch me, but I want to feel you close to me. I do not want you to hurt me, but it won't hurt anyways. You're always on my radar and I've always got you in my scope. I'm watching your every move, waiting for your attack so I can strike back... but I also see you're an amazing person and kind and I want to trust you with my trust. I want to be there for you because I understand what you're feeling. I want you to trust me while I secretly suspect your conspiracy no matter what you do.

Hyper-arousal/vigilence are confused with schizophrenic symptoms of paranoid delusions. I am not the best at explaining things in a way that is politically correct, but I can try...
My delusions are based on some sense of rational and real reason.
(Example; You are an intimidating male that has a scowl on your face and anger is obvious. I am going to avoid you at all costs because I do not know you and I don't want to provoke you and I will protect myself at all costs, even if that means walking to the other side of the street so I don't have to walk in front of you.) * this is an exaggerated version of a basic human survival reflex

Schizophrenic paranoid delusions are very irrational and have no identifiable cause that makes sense.
(Example: I cannot brush my teeth anymore because there are bugs coming out of my water faucet and I don't want to be poisoned by their evil powers.) * the bugs are hallucinations and don't have evil powers
 
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Hyper-arousal/vigilence are confused with schizophrenic symptoms of paranoid delusions...
Schizophrenic paranoid delusions are very irrational and have no identifiable cause that makes sense.
This sums it up so well. My persistent delusion is that I am, in fact, either the daughter of the moon or the goddess of the moon herself. I am convinced that I am not human and was not made for this world, that I have lived other lives, that I am stuck here in this body so far from home. However, I recognize that logically it is a very tough sell, and that I will more than likely die and not live forever. I just am deeply, deeply convinced otherwise.

Anyway, my mother has a very complex diagnosis- her primary is paranoid schizophrenia, but with comorbid borderline personality disorder, dissociative identity disorder, and PTSD. She experienced severe psychosis through much of my childhood and was hospitalized for something like 7 years when I was a kid, so I consider myself very lucky to have only inherited a fraction of her illness. The delusions I have do make me concerned that I am teetering on a very thin mental precipice, though.

Either way, no kids for me.
 

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The delusions I have do make me concerned that I am teetering on a very thin mental precipice, though.
I feel this way a lot as well. My ptsd stuff gets out of control sometimes and I'll be locking myself in my house for weeks at a time thinking I will be harmed in some way if I go outside for even a few minutes. I know it's silly. I know it doesn't make any sense to some people, but I have these things engraved in my brain after so many years of abuse.

I have this intense desire to "belong" or be surrounded by people who will accept and support and protect me. At the same time, forming relationships is really hard because I'm constantly worried about the new people betraying me or hurting me in some way. It's very confusing.
 

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I'm not the one you posted to, but here's my version of it.

I don't have sexual trauma, but do have intimacy issues. Camming helps as exposure therapy in a way, as there isn't the pressure of being in a relationship or having a stranger in person who may physically do harm.
I think there is also an element that if you have experienced sexual trauma, you may be more likely to see sex as less, not sure how to put it exactly, but I guess "sacred"? Not really the right word, but it may make sense to some people. Sex is always sacred in its own way to everyone regardless of what you've been through, but I guess you can be desensitized to it and feel more practical about being sexual for income, rather than some people who see their physical body and sexuality as being hugely important and personal. In a way, if you've had your physical choice of your body taken away from you, while you may still love your body, you may feel more of a disconnect between your mind and body, and treasure your mind more highly than your body. You may also not relate to social norms of guarding your "virtue" and feel that you might as well make the most of your sexuality.
There is also that if you've grown up with sexual trauma your personality may have developed in a way that you feel comfortable with that type of attention, and therefore being sexual in adulthood, and even getting paid for it, could give you control over that sexuality.

I agree that camming can be a great form of therapy. For me I found that people visiting me and caring about me not only for sex was a huge element in my recovering from PTSD, while many people saw me for sex, that part was consensual, and I was surprised at how many people were there for my personality over my sexuality. Being in control of a cam room where you can easily ban people is also pretty liberating. I guess it's a pretty safe space where you can interact with men and can quickly eliminate those who make you uncomfortable.

No. You're probably confusing BPD with something else. Many, many people do. I've never heard of people with BPD having hallucinations due to the condition, and delusions would only be the result of a SEVERE breakdown.

Most people with BPD are completely lucid and aware of their issues. It's a personality disorder.
One of the symptoms which those with BPD can get is psychosis, though I think not in the same way someone with say, schizophrenia would get psychosis and I don't know if it goes as far as actual hallucinations. This could be from BPD itself or another condition which may co-occur, I am not sure. My best friend has BPD, it's clearly not an easy condition for her, or those around her at times. We joke about some of the crazy stuff she does and I lightly tease her and she teases herself for some of the funnier things she does, and in a way perhaps I shouldn't laugh because we both know she has a mental health condition which makes her do some pretty random stuff, but then again, I love her for all of her little quirks as well as the person she is behind it. As much as she may have a disorder, it is a part of who she is, and the person I love, so maybe it is not a bad thing that we can both laugh about it. Some of it is pretty funny. She tries her best, she falls down a bunch of times, but the girl's got some crazy resilience, and I'm super proud of her and what she manages to accomplish. Her successes may not seem as big to those who don't understand the condition, and maybe she doesn't appreciate it herself, but to me she might as well have climbed Everest when looking at the mountains she climbs.
 
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I think there is also an element that if you have experienced sexual trauma, you may be more likely to see sex as less, not sure how to put it exactly, but I guess "sacred"? Not really the right word, but it may make sense to some people. Sex is always sacred in its own way to everyone regardless of what you've been through, but I guess you can be desensitized to it and feel more practical about being sexual for income, rather than some people who see their physical body and sexuality as being hugely important and personal. In a way, if you've had your physical choice of your body taken away from you, while you may still love your body, you may feel more of a disconnect between your mind and body, and treasure your mind more highly than your body. You may also not relate to social norms of guarding your "virtue" and feel that you might as well make the most of your sexuality.
There is also that if you've grown up with sexual trauma your personality may have developed in a way that you feel comfortable with that type of attention, and therefore being sexual in adulthood, and even getting paid for it, could give you control over that sexuality.

I agree that camming can be a great form of therapy. For me I found that people visiting me and caring about me not only for sex was a huge element in my recovering from PTSD, while many people saw me for sex, that part was consensual, and I was surprised at how many people were there for my personality over my sexuality. Being in control of a cam room where you can easily ban people is also pretty liberating. I guess it's a pretty safe space where you can interact with men and can quickly eliminate those who make you uncomfortable.



One of the symptoms which those with BPD can get is psychosis, though I think not in the same way someone with say, schizophrenia would get psychosis and I don't know if it goes as far as actual hallucinations. This could be from BPD itself or another condition which may co-occur, I am not sure. My best friend has BPD, it's clearly not an easy condition for her, or those around her at times. We joke about some of the crazy stuff she does and I lightly tease her and she teases herself for some of the funnier things she does, and in a way perhaps I shouldn't laugh because we both know she has a mental health condition which makes her do some pretty random stuff, but then again, I love her for all of her little quirks as well as the person she is behind it. As much as she may have a disorder, it is a part of who she is, and the person I love, so maybe it is not a bad thing that we can both laugh about it. Some of it is pretty funny. She tries her best, she falls down a bunch of times, but the girl's got some crazy resilience, and I'm super proud of her and what she manages to accomplish. Her successes may not seem as big to those who don't understand the condition, and maybe she doesn't appreciate it herself, but to me she might as well have climbed Everest when looking at the mountains she climbs.
I don't know that people with BPD are anymore prone to psychosis than, say, someone with depression or anxiety or anyone under the right circumstances.

I do crazy things, too. Like, ridiculously crazy. But I know they're crazy when I'm doing them. I just feel like I can't stop. There's this feeling of emptiness or panic and it says...keep fucking up, this will make you feel better. Or just feel at all.

I think it's okay to laugh when it's funny. When my friends do, it can actually be really comforting. I'd rather that than have everyone take it seriously and treat me like a land mine all the time.
 
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that's probably not a good question to ask. Just... going to throw that out there. A lot of people find talking about this topic really triggering.
I think it's an okay question. I'm not the type to get triggered.

I think it's different for everyone. For me, I really hated being looked at as a teen. I did everything I could to hide myself. I wore dark, baggy clothes etc.

Then I got a little older and realized how bizarre that was, I kinda went in the opposite direction. I started dressing very slutty. Started posting naked pics online. That led to camming.

For me, it was a reaction to hiding under layers and layers of grossness as a teen because of the stuff that happened as a small child. But everyone is different. I just know a lot of sex workers have sex related trauma.
 
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I don't know that people with BPD are anymore prone to psychosis than, say, someone with depression or anxiety or anyone under the right circumstances.

I do crazy things, too. Like, ridiculously crazy. But I know they're crazy when I'm doing them. I just feel like I can't stop. There's this feeling of emptiness or panic and it says...keep fucking up, this will make you feel better. Or just feel at all.

I think it's okay to laugh when it's funny. When my friends do, it can actually be really comforting. I'd rather that than have everyone take it seriously and treat me like a land mine all the time.
Psychosis and hallucinations comes under disturbed patterns of thinking:

  • Upsetting thoughts – such as thinking you're a terrible person or feeling you don't exist. You may not be sure of these thoughts and may seek reassurance that they're not true.
  • Brief episodes of strange experiences – such as hearing voices outside your head for minutes at a time. These may often feel like instructions to harm yourself or others. You may or may not be certain whether these are real.
  • Prolonged episodes of abnormal experiences – where you might experience both hallucinations (voices outside your head) and distressing beliefs that no one can talk you out of (such as believing your family are secretly trying to kill you).
These types of beliefs may be psychotic and a sign you're becoming more unwell. It's important to get help if you're struggling with delusions.
This comes from the NHS website (national health service in the UK). Not all people with BPD will experience this, but it is fairly common, looking at one text, they found 20-50% of BPD patients reported psychotic symptoms. It is not part of the DSM-5 though, so it's not necessary for diagnosis. The people I know who do have BPD all seem to experience (likely stress related) psychosis to more of a degree than those I know with other conditions. People with other mental health conditions also experience it of course, but that does not mean that it is any less real.

It's good to know that it can be comforting for you, I think my friend often jokes about things and makes light of the funnier situations because she wants to make sure everyone knows she's aware she's a bit nuts, so that people understand and don't hold those times against her. It must be really hard, having the imbalance of "sanity", doing something one day which then seems totally mad the next. My boyfriend is also likely BPD and is looking to get diagnosed, though it is very different to my friend in how he responds, and I think if he has it then it's milder in terms of how destructive it is. I have had mild BPD symptoms, but I think they are more to do with my PTSD.

I love talking to other people with pure-O who didn't realise they had it: Talking about slightly funny mental illnesses, if I explain to someone my type of OCD, and how I will be having a great conversation with a new friend, really bonding, it's awesome, and then suddenly will have the image in my head of slapping them, and see their expression of pure shock and distrust with me having the knowledge and disappointment that I totally fucked up that conversation. I have never slapped someone in the middle of a conversation, and I likely never will. Just the same as I haven't "accidentally" driven into a wall, or opened a car door while moving, or thrown my phone or camera off a high place while walking. I still have those uncontrollable thoughts. Some people just think it's hilarious, but it's amazing how many people will suddenly go "I do that!!", because they probably just thought they were weird and put it out of their heads.
It's kind of funny when you think about how socially awkward you really are inside your own head, but it is a really annoying disorder to have. Sometimes I fear being accidentally racist, sexist, inappropriate, and lately I have had a weird fear of being attracted to children. Of course I am not attracted to children in the slightest and there is nothing to have given me this idea, but the idea of it still scares me, and it actually in a weird way has started making me feel uncomfortable seeing pictures or videos of children which come up online. I think online specifically because I usually only see attractive adults online, so seeing children in that area freaks me out. Just like "what if I accidentally run that person over because I decide to swerve into them?", there's that "what if I accidentally decide to molest someone?". It will never happen because I am not going to randomly lose control of my mind to some inner demon.
The physical part of my OCD is that I touch corners (and sometimes not corners). This can be corners of tables or objects, or even people's shoulders, knees, hands or faces. It's something to do with the sound that scratching makes, the chalk board kind. Corners I think because they're sharp, and I somehow want to smooth them over. Same as if a sharp object touches a surface, I want to "wipe" it away. As a child this meant that using fountain pens was a messy experience. I also have a few weird little ticks, hard for me to tell what it is I actually do though.
 

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Thank you @IsabellaSnow for that description of Pure OCD. You did a perfect job in explaining it. I do the touching random chairs, corners, etc too as well as counting and other random unnecessary ticks that my brain won't shut up about till I do them. I try to get through it by watching a movie, listening to music or some other distraction but OCD thoughts can definitely be loud. Mine mostly gravitates to harm OCD, though I've never self harmed or been a threat to others.

I found cutting back on caffeine helps a TON with mine.

Also, thought I'd bring up the difference between OCD and OCPD. Both have to do with anxiety, but OCPD is "needing everything to be perfect" whereas OCD is having intrusive thoughts bother you telling you that you NEED to do something specific. Many people get those two confused.
 
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