Exactly one week ago, I went onto my first sexcam site. It was LiveJasmin, and it was largely because it was a name I recognized as "oh that pops up every time I'm on pornhub. It seems established and legit."
In a matter of days, I blew $700 on private cam2cam sessions with lovely girls I could barely believe would talk with me.
I'm also overwhelmed with shame, guilt, confusion and sadness. And even though I got to have some excitement and explore my sexuality, I still don't know what to think.
I grew up hearing that porn was smut and wrong and not for viewing. (And I still love my mother dearly for imparting me with a wish to love and respect the women in my life.)
But, like a lot of young men, I started gravitating to photos of girls in skimpy costumes and by the time I was 17, I found full-blown porn. And I liked it. I just didn't quite like that I liked it.
I am now 29. And I've sort of accepted that watching porn is a part of a lot of people's lives, and that it can even be artistic (usually considered erotica) and healthy sometimes (couples watching it to get closer and have more fun in the bedroom.)
But, lately, with COVID-19 and lockdown being pretty intense in my country, I went looking for more. I haven't seen my friends in months. It's been over a year since I went on a date, and over 3 years since I had anything that even resembled a relationship. When I got on LiveJasmin, I was looking for sex... But really, I wanted connection. Connection, with sex involved. The isolation and loneliness got to me, and I thought "why not...?"
To be honest it was like a drug. The last 7 days, I found myself logging in every day, and going to a couple girls I was enamored with like 3 times each. I asked for sex toy play. I asked for mutual masturbation. I asked if I could show them my penis and if they could tell me if they liked it. And to my perverted delight they all said yes.
Some more info one me: I'm a virgin. And in the last week, 3 women have seen my penis on camera. Before now, I had not shared my body, visually or otherwise, with anyone. I've had girlfriends. One of them even long-term (2 years). But they were all very innocent (maybe overly innocent) chaste, relationships. By and large, I didn't even want to ask a woman for sex. I wanted them to ask me, so I could know they felt safe. But none of my girlfriends ever started that conversation.
Back to my last week with camgirls... I think showing them my penis and masturbating on camera in front of them has left me with the most shame. I feel like a piece of shit pervert who went around flashing girls. Since being friendly and agreeing to sexual encounters over camera is part of their job, I feel like I was forcing them to look at me. Now, I had enough sensitivity and awareness to direct message each model, ask what she was comfortable with in a private session, and to then ask for verbal permission before whipping it out. So on another level, I recognize that I had enough decency to do what I could to thoroughly confirm their consent.
My issue is that I have read several accounts from women who worked as camgirls, who now feel traumatized and used. And who hate the men that used them for their entertainment. I have always sworn I would be a man who never uses women. Who respects women. Who always sees them as whole and complete people with feelings and a soul, and values them for more than just their body.
But now I'm not sure I'm that man anymore.
Now the other difficult side of things. I started having emotions and feelings for a few of the camgirls I met. There was a sweet, soft-spoken 20 year old Russian. She was the cam model I started with, and sure enough, I started thinking of her as "my first." She was so young and sweet and vulnerable, and I couldn't actually bring myself to go to her for a cam2cam session again. After the first time we rubbed one out together, I'd simply drop into her chatroom, leave the best tip I could, tell her she deserved love and happiness. I found myself just looking at her photos and wondering what she was like in real life. Like she was my crush.
So those are all the troubling issues I've had with my camgirl experiences.
On the other hand, part of me thinks in some ways, these experiences with camgirls were possibly better and healthier than just watching regular porn. For one thing, I am very aware that a lot of videos on Pornhub were uploaded without the performers knowledge or consent, and that the performers won't see a dime for their work. The inability to always verify the age, or if the performers in a porn video were coerced or trafficed has also made me very suspect of tube sites. I make a point of only seeking out Girlsway or Brazzers videos, if for no other reason than they are known entities that I assume would steer away from abuse and illegal dealings if for no other reason than self interest.
On LiveJasmin, the age of every performer was there in black and white, along with what they were comfortable performing, and not to mention an expectation that there would besome conversation and a wayt o communicate with them and ask what they felt like doing. Not to mention the power to end the chat/performance any time if they didn't wish to continue, and essentially a zero percent chance of contracting STIs. All these details, in a way, made me feel better about my LiveJasmin subscription than I did about casually hopping on Pornhub every other day.
But, I found these cams far more intoxicaand enticing. I blew a lot of money, and worst
of all, the intimacy of these moments no longer made me a passive viewer but an active participant in feeding the adult industry. But maybe I was doing that all along by watching video after video on Pornhub.
Overall, I feel shame, guilt and confusion. I don't know what to think. I have now deleted my LiveJasmin account because, not only was I blowing a lot of money, but the ethics of being a part of a camgirls show have really started to weigh on me. I am trying to go off of these shows cold turkey, but at the same time... I was already looking at another model, on another cam site, and started fantasizing what a private show with her might be like...
OK. My venting and crying session is over. I guess I'm reaching out and posting on this forum in hopes some cam-models here, active and formerly active, could provide their thoughts.
What is ethical? What is it to treat a Cam-model with respect? Do you always feel used by your viewers? Was showing my penis to them abusive? Should I quit these sites completely? Should I get help? Are these live shows actually more ethical than regular porn? What do I do with my shame, guilt and confused feelings?
Also, I want to say I 100% do not judge or malign any woman who made camming their job or part-time job. It's labour and it's a way to make money. A Cam-girl deserves respect like any human being.
I guess I just need reassurance or some help thinking through my experiences and potential future experiences, and I wish to ensure that I never traumatize or use a cam model, or ever make her feel less than precious and human.
Help. What should I do with all these feelings?
Thank you for reading this incredibly long post.
In a matter of days, I blew $700 on private cam2cam sessions with lovely girls I could barely believe would talk with me.
I'm also overwhelmed with shame, guilt, confusion and sadness. And even though I got to have some excitement and explore my sexuality, I still don't know what to think.
I grew up hearing that porn was smut and wrong and not for viewing. (And I still love my mother dearly for imparting me with a wish to love and respect the women in my life.)
But, like a lot of young men, I started gravitating to photos of girls in skimpy costumes and by the time I was 17, I found full-blown porn. And I liked it. I just didn't quite like that I liked it.
I am now 29. And I've sort of accepted that watching porn is a part of a lot of people's lives, and that it can even be artistic (usually considered erotica) and healthy sometimes (couples watching it to get closer and have more fun in the bedroom.)
But, lately, with COVID-19 and lockdown being pretty intense in my country, I went looking for more. I haven't seen my friends in months. It's been over a year since I went on a date, and over 3 years since I had anything that even resembled a relationship. When I got on LiveJasmin, I was looking for sex... But really, I wanted connection. Connection, with sex involved. The isolation and loneliness got to me, and I thought "why not...?"
To be honest it was like a drug. The last 7 days, I found myself logging in every day, and going to a couple girls I was enamored with like 3 times each. I asked for sex toy play. I asked for mutual masturbation. I asked if I could show them my penis and if they could tell me if they liked it. And to my perverted delight they all said yes.
Some more info one me: I'm a virgin. And in the last week, 3 women have seen my penis on camera. Before now, I had not shared my body, visually or otherwise, with anyone. I've had girlfriends. One of them even long-term (2 years). But they were all very innocent (maybe overly innocent) chaste, relationships. By and large, I didn't even want to ask a woman for sex. I wanted them to ask me, so I could know they felt safe. But none of my girlfriends ever started that conversation.
Back to my last week with camgirls... I think showing them my penis and masturbating on camera in front of them has left me with the most shame. I feel like a piece of shit pervert who went around flashing girls. Since being friendly and agreeing to sexual encounters over camera is part of their job, I feel like I was forcing them to look at me. Now, I had enough sensitivity and awareness to direct message each model, ask what she was comfortable with in a private session, and to then ask for verbal permission before whipping it out. So on another level, I recognize that I had enough decency to do what I could to thoroughly confirm their consent.
My issue is that I have read several accounts from women who worked as camgirls, who now feel traumatized and used. And who hate the men that used them for their entertainment. I have always sworn I would be a man who never uses women. Who respects women. Who always sees them as whole and complete people with feelings and a soul, and values them for more than just their body.
But now I'm not sure I'm that man anymore.
Now the other difficult side of things. I started having emotions and feelings for a few of the camgirls I met. There was a sweet, soft-spoken 20 year old Russian. She was the cam model I started with, and sure enough, I started thinking of her as "my first." She was so young and sweet and vulnerable, and I couldn't actually bring myself to go to her for a cam2cam session again. After the first time we rubbed one out together, I'd simply drop into her chatroom, leave the best tip I could, tell her she deserved love and happiness. I found myself just looking at her photos and wondering what she was like in real life. Like she was my crush.
So those are all the troubling issues I've had with my camgirl experiences.
On the other hand, part of me thinks in some ways, these experiences with camgirls were possibly better and healthier than just watching regular porn. For one thing, I am very aware that a lot of videos on Pornhub were uploaded without the performers knowledge or consent, and that the performers won't see a dime for their work. The inability to always verify the age, or if the performers in a porn video were coerced or trafficed has also made me very suspect of tube sites. I make a point of only seeking out Girlsway or Brazzers videos, if for no other reason than they are known entities that I assume would steer away from abuse and illegal dealings if for no other reason than self interest.
On LiveJasmin, the age of every performer was there in black and white, along with what they were comfortable performing, and not to mention an expectation that there would besome conversation and a wayt o communicate with them and ask what they felt like doing. Not to mention the power to end the chat/performance any time if they didn't wish to continue, and essentially a zero percent chance of contracting STIs. All these details, in a way, made me feel better about my LiveJasmin subscription than I did about casually hopping on Pornhub every other day.
But, I found these cams far more intoxicaand enticing. I blew a lot of money, and worst
of all, the intimacy of these moments no longer made me a passive viewer but an active participant in feeding the adult industry. But maybe I was doing that all along by watching video after video on Pornhub.
Overall, I feel shame, guilt and confusion. I don't know what to think. I have now deleted my LiveJasmin account because, not only was I blowing a lot of money, but the ethics of being a part of a camgirls show have really started to weigh on me. I am trying to go off of these shows cold turkey, but at the same time... I was already looking at another model, on another cam site, and started fantasizing what a private show with her might be like...
OK. My venting and crying session is over. I guess I'm reaching out and posting on this forum in hopes some cam-models here, active and formerly active, could provide their thoughts.
What is ethical? What is it to treat a Cam-model with respect? Do you always feel used by your viewers? Was showing my penis to them abusive? Should I quit these sites completely? Should I get help? Are these live shows actually more ethical than regular porn? What do I do with my shame, guilt and confused feelings?
Also, I want to say I 100% do not judge or malign any woman who made camming their job or part-time job. It's labour and it's a way to make money. A Cam-girl deserves respect like any human being.
I guess I just need reassurance or some help thinking through my experiences and potential future experiences, and I wish to ensure that I never traumatize or use a cam model, or ever make her feel less than precious and human.
Help. What should I do with all these feelings?
Thank you for reading this incredibly long post.