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threesome double-standard?

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PlayboyMegan

Inactive Cam Model
Oct 15, 2011
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Brought up in a post in the Models Only section.
I found it an interesting topic.
If a guy and a girl are dating and NOT in an open relationship, but he is okay with her having a threesome with women, but not men, is that a double-standard? Why/why not?
Does it matter if the woman is bisexual or not?
 
My answer was:
IMO, not at all. Woman and men are two completely different creatures. For me it's like saying, "My doctor said i can eat apples but not oranges, is that a double standard?" No, because they are different fruits. If you are straight, I can absolutely see why that rule would be in place. If you are bisexual, it's a little confusing. My boyfriend doesn't mind me having sex with girls because he knows I can't fall in love with one.
 
PlayboyMegan said:
Brought up in a post in the Models Only section.
I found it an interesting topic.
If a guy and a girl are dating and NOT in an open relationship, but he is okay with her having a threesome with women, but not men, is that a double-standard? Why/why not?
Does it matter if the woman is bisexual or not?

If you are not in an open relationship you should not be having threesomes of any gender combination. The man has basically talked his girlfriend into allowing him to cheat with her in the room according to your example.
 
When you say threesome with other women, do you mean the boyfriend is involved? Or is the girlfriend having a threesome with two other women?

If it's the latter, then no. That's just setting boundaries.

If it's the former, then yes. It's essentially the boyfriend saying you can invite another person into the bedroom but only if it's someone who he'll find attractive.
 
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Shaun__ said:
PlayboyMegan said:
Brought up in a post in the Models Only section.
I found it an interesting topic.
If a guy and a girl are dating and NOT in an open relationship, but he is okay with her having a threesome with women, but not men, is that a double-standard? Why/why not?
Does it matter if the woman is bisexual or not?

If you are not in an open relationship you should not be having threesomes of any gender combination. The man has basically talked his girlfriend into allowing him to cheat with her in the room according to your example.
I guess it depends on what your definition of an "open relationship" is. My definition would be when both partners can fuck whomever they want. So having an occasional threesome, IMO, is not considered an "open relationship."
 
Shaun__ said:
PlayboyMegan said:
Brought up in a post in the Models Only section.
I found it an interesting topic.
If a guy and a girl are dating and NOT in an open relationship, but he is okay with her having a threesome with women, but not men, is that a double-standard? Why/why not?
Does it matter if the woman is bisexual or not?

If you are not in an open relationship you should not be having threesomes of any gender combination. The man has basically talked his girlfriend into allowing him to cheat with her in the room according to your example.

Im not in an open relationship but I still have threesomes with my boyfriend occasionally.

Im not "cheating" with him in the room, nor is he cheating with me in the room. Cheating would be doing something one of us agreed was not ok with the other doing or doing it behind someones back.

We have our boundaries and things we are and are not ok with. Just because we dont label it an open relationship in no way means either of us are cheating. :twocents-02cents:

Its not cut and dry. You can have multiple partners without being in an open relationship

(No that example wasnt about me lol)
 
I am sorry, but you can not have a threesome unless you are in an open relationship of some sort. If it is a closed relationship no one else would be able to enter it. I have no problem with either type, but if a door is not closed it is open.
 
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mynameisbob84 said:
It's essentially the boyfriend saying you can invite another person into the bedroom but only if it's someone who he'll find attractive.

Although... it might not be actually.

I guess it can be assumed that the girlfriend will find the threesome girl attractive too.

Alright, it's only a double standard if the girlfriend is being expected to engage in a threesome with another girl who she doesn't find attractive/is indifferent to and the boyfriend isn't prepared to do the same with another guy. Then it's a double standard.

I guess F/F/M threesomes are more common than M/M/F threesomes as straight women are more likely to be attracted to other women than straight men are likely to be attracted to other males (or am I completely wrong in that assumption?)
 
Shaun__ said:
I am sorry, but you can not have a threesome unless you are in an open relationship of some sort. If it is a closed relationship no one else would be able to enter it. I have no problem with either type, but if a door is not closed it is open.
Once again, I disagree. Most people, that I've met, anyways, use the term "open relationship" to say that both partners can have sexual intercourse with other people of both sexes. If you have "rules" to this, such as "I can only have sex with other woman while my husband is present in the room." I would NOT consider that an "open relationship" and I don't think most people would, either. IMO, the term is USUALLY used to imply that it is an almost completely open relationship with very little "rules."
(Yes, I'm aware that I need to find a better word than "rules")
 
PlayboyMegan said:
Brought up in a post in the Models Only section.
I found it an interesting topic.
If a guy and a girl are dating and NOT in an open relationship, but he is okay with her having a threesome with women, but not men, is that a double-standard? Why/why not?
Does it matter if the woman is bisexual or not?
If a woman is straight, and her boyfriend wants her to have sex with another woman, that doesn't sit right with me. Many men seem to have a sexual fantasy of seeing two ladies do it, but straight women should not be pressured in to having sex with other women. If you want your straight girlfriend to screw another woman, you should be equally as comfortable taking a dick up the ass. After all, there is nothing wrong with homosexuality, so you should be comfortable doing it, right?

I think men find women to be less threatening. "My woman wouldn't leave me for some broad!" (or you know, however men think).

I think that a relationship where the man gets to screw women, but he does not let his girlfriend screw men, is not going to be set out for success. If having sex with other people is important to you, and if having sex with other people is important to your girlfriend, then you should not try to arbitrarily limit your girlfriend's sexual experiences along gender lines.

In a monogamous relationship, if you are interested in sex with a second woman, and your girlfriend is interested in sex with a second woman, I say go for it!

If it is very important for a woman to have sex with multiple male partners, hopefully she would avoid getting in to a monogamous relationship.
 
PlayboyMegan said:
Shaun__ said:
I am sorry, but you can not have a threesome unless you are in an open relationship of some sort. If it is a closed relationship no one else would be able to enter it. I have no problem with either type, but if a door is not closed it is open.
Once again, I disagree. Most people, that I've met, anyways, use the term "open relationship" to say that both partners can have sexual intercourse with other people of both sexes. If you have "rules" to this, such as "I can only have sex with other woman while my husband is present in the room." I would NOT consider that an "open relationship" and I don't think most people would, either. IMO, the term is USUALLY used to imply that it is an almost completely open relationship with very little "rules."
(Yes, I'm aware that I need to find a better word than "rules")

If you are having sex with other people you are not monogamous, and that is a critical part of having a closed relationship. Open relationships can easily have boundaries though. These are from the wiki.

Boundaries

Types of boundaries include physical, which is along the lines of not touching someone without permission being given; sexual boundaries; and emotional boundaries, which is avoiding the discussion of specific emotions. Boundaries help to set out rules for what is and is not acceptable to the members of the relationship. They also help people to feel safe and that they are just as important in the open relationship as their partners.

Examples of boundaries that are set could include:

Who (geographically and interpersonally, such as in the community, friends, family, et cetera) could be an additional partner;
What types of physical limits are placed on that relationship (kissing, dating, or other sexual activities);
Whether sexual relations will take place in a separate bedroom or playroom.

Some couples create a physical relationship contract. These can be useful in not only negotiating, but also clearly articulating the needs, wants, limits, expectations, and commitments that is expected of the parties involved.
 
Evvie said:
PlayboyMegan said:
Brought up in a post in the Models Only section.
I found it an interesting topic.
If a guy and a girl are dating and NOT in an open relationship, but he is okay with her having a threesome with women, but not men, is that a double-standard? Why/why not?
Does it matter if the woman is bisexual or not?
If a woman is straight, and her boyfriend wants her to have sex with another woman, that doesn't sit right with me.
I consider myself straight because I have no intimate feelings for women. However, I do like to have sex with women. No one pressures me into doing that.
 
I often find that many people's opinions of what constitutes an open or monogamous relationship is very connotative.

While it is interesting to debate what makes a monogamous relationship, I don't think that has a whole lot of bearing on the discussion at large.

If someone says they have a monogamous relationship, I would trust them on that. While I cannot speak for others (and while it has been some time since I was in a monogamous relationship), people have a good idea of what they are doing and the labels for that don't really matter.
 
PlayboyMegan said:
I consider myself straight because I have no intimate feelings for women. However, I do like to have sex with women. No one pressures me into doing that.
Generally when I think of straight women, I think of women who are uninterested in sexual relationships with other women. If a lady considers herself to be straight, but likes to have sex with women, then my thoughts on pressure and persuasion would be silly to apply.
 
I think a lot of guys view female sexuality as non-threatening and thats why lesbian sex doesnt make them feel insecure. Female sexuality is often viewed as more fluid.
Screwing a woman is also different from screwing a man.
If the girl is screwing another dude, the guy is going to worry "Oh, is his dick bigger, is he doing better at the same thing that I can do for her?"
Also, a lot of women are bi curious and may be into female bodies, but not necessarily romantically into other women. So the man could perceive more of an "emotional threat" from another man.

I think having an occasional threesome or hookup but being otherwise monogamous would fit nicely into "monogamish" as coined by Dan Savage. Both open and monogamish relationships can have boundaries, and these boundaries are important for establishing trust early on, and they usually relax as the couple becomes more comfortable and secure. That being said, its pretty unfair to expect something sexually while at the same time denying your partner the things they want to try. It should be a two-way street.
F/F/M threesomes can be great, but I wouldn't do it with a guy who wouldnt make a human Eiffle tower with me :snooty:
 
PlayboyMegan said:
Brought up in a post in the Models Only section.
I found it an interesting topic.
If a guy and a girl are dating and NOT in an open relationship, but he is okay with her having a threesome with women, but not men, is that a double-standard? Why/why not?
Does it matter if the woman is bisexual or not?


is it a double standard..... sort of? if the same rule applies equally to both of them, then no it isnt. if her rule is no women for him, only men, then it balances. if he isnt allowed outside partners at all then its not a double standard either, just a lopsided agreement. now if hes allowed to have sex with other women, but she isnt allowed to be with other men, then its double standard time.

if the third party is always a woman alongside the original couple then it seems a bit off to me. the only reason i would find that fair is if the guy is just so straight that seeing a naked dude makes him unable to perform his part at all, then its alright i guess. if the point of the threesome is to let the female partner enjoy herself with other women then its a good deal overall. if the point is to let the male partner get his jollies then its back to unbalanced.

of course im of the mind that as long as both people agree to and stick to the rules they make together then its all good anyway
 
If a guy and a girl are dating and NOT in an open relationship, but he is okay with her having a threesome with women, but not men, is that a double-standard? Why/why not?

I think if you are dating, that is not the time to start injecting other people into the equation.
Dating is a time for the 2 of you to get to know each other.

Now, if the woman is bi, and that's part of what she needs to be satisfied, you need to discuss that one and come to some sort of understanding, or stop dating and move on.

If he is OK with her having a 3some with another woman but not another man, the double standard thing probably doesn't come into play unless the man is saying "lets have a 3some" and dictates the terms.
If it's just a matter of what either of them will like or not like, it's not a double standard it's simply each of them making known what they do and don't like.

If the woman tells me "I'd like a 3 way with another woman" I could probably be ok with that. If she said she wants a 3way with another guy, I'd have to say no, that's not gonna work for me. I don't see it as a double standard for me to state what I don't like.

I would find it a double standard IF one of us was trying to dictate the terms of the 3way and getting pissed when turned down because of the mix.

When the man and the woman both discuss what they like and dont like, and both have no desire to force the other to engage in an activity they will feel uncomfortable with then there is no double standard.

The double standard comes into play when pressure is put on the one who doesn't care for the mix to do it.

Which is a sign of a deeper problem, when you try to force or pressure your partner into something they clearly do not like/want.
:hand:
 
PlayboyMegan said:
Brought up in a post in the Models Only section.
I found it an interesting topic.
If a guy and a girl are dating and NOT in an open relationship, but he is okay with her having a threesome with women, but not men, is that a double-standard? Why/why not?
Does it matter if the woman is bisexual or not?
My personal view is it depends on the situation.
If the threesome is solely what the guys wants (whether because the girl is straight or bisexual but not interested) but isn't open to the idea of a m/m/f threesome, then yes.
If the threesome is what the woman or both of them want, i would say no, even if the guy is against a m/m/f threesome. In this case, it is also what the woman wants. She still has the choice to not to have the threesome because the guy isn't open to one with another male.

I feel like bringing up the idea or asking about a threesome if you feel the other person would be ok with it is ok, and a way to see how the other feels. If you actively pursue the idea of a threesome (trying to talk your partner, constantly talking about it, etc) then you should be open to both options, not just one. Whether your partner wanted the other option, you should still be open to the idea. And that goes for any combination, whether a straight or gay relationship or even if it's a straight couple but the guy wants another guy or the woman wants another woman.

With one of my exes, she was curious about being with another woman. I did say if she wanted to, she could be with another wmoan but she said she didn't want to be with another woman one-on-one (at least not at first, whether she would have later, who knows). At the time, i wasn't open to another guy threesome and she knew that but i told her also that i'd never ask for a f/f/m one because of it. She wanted the threesome with another woman and i was open to it.
I would actually like to be more open to a m/m/f threesome but things have happened in the past that affects my condifence in it. But i'm in a better position now than before so maybe i will be in the future. But a f/f/m threesome would have to be under the right conditions too, i wouldn't ask or agree to just anything.
 
I think whether or not something is a double standard is only applicable if the people involved are worried about it.

I know a couple who have the standard that the man is allowed to play with other women, but not other men, and the woman is allowed to play with other women, but not with other men. To me, this feels like a double standard (the woman is bi, I'm fairly sure the man is straight but not entirely sure...), but since both in the couple are perfectly happy with the arrangement, I have no say in the matter.

Whether a rule is fair or unfair only matters when people are unhappy with the rule.
 
LadyLuna said:
I think whether or not something is a double standard is only applicable if the people involved are worried about it.

I know a couple who have the standard that the man is allowed to play with other women, but not other men, and the woman is allowed to play with other women, but not with other men. To me, this feels like a double standard (the woman is bi, I'm fairly sure the man is straight but not entirely sure...), but since both in the couple are perfectly happy with the arrangement, I have no say in the matter.

Whether a rule is fair or unfair only matters when people are unhappy with the rule.
Yeah, maybe we can designate two kinds of double standards: benign or malignant. :)
 
I think a relationship is defined solely by the people IN them. We can't look to any written references to define an "open relationship" because it will vary from couple to couple. How about a couple of "open minded" people in a relationship. I think we might be able to agree on that, at least. I don't believe you can enjoy a threesome without being open minded, but you can do it in a non-open relationship.

I am not in an open relationship, in my opinion. We are not going out without the other, looking for, or entertaining the thought of hooking up with anyone. When we have our fun, it is together, and it is very openly communicated and discussed between us, and brings us closer together.

Our fun is enjoying another female partner whom we share the temporary affection and sexual adventure with once we get to know her.

It has always been understood that if we encounter a girl that we both enjoy, we would be open to sharing fun with her. We are both more attracted to other females than males, so it hasn't been an issue. I don't envision myself ever wanting to play with another male, so I would not expect him to turn the tables for me, but it's a mutual understanding right now, thus, not a double standard that he gets occasional extra pussy and I get no extra dick.
 
I think it's a total double-standard. The girl might be fine with it, and she might like being with girls (or not) and he might be totally straight - it's still a double-standard. Whether the couple prefer it that way is kind of beside the point if the question is 'is it a double-standard?'

Saying men and women are different, while clearly true, doesn't mean men (or women) can skip out of ethical loopholes based on gender :naughty: . That's the whole slut/stud mindset isn't it? It's no different than saying well, men and women have different sexual appetites so it's fine for Jimbob to sleep around, in fact it makes him more of a man! But if Peggysue does it - wow what a slut, tell everyone on facebook.

AmberCutie said:
I would not expect him to turn the tables for me, but it's a mutual understanding right now, thus, not a double standard that he gets occasional extra pussy and I get no extra dick.
Right, and I'm sure plenty of threesomes work this way, but regardless of whether you WOULD expect him to participate with another male involved or whether you would ever WANT that, it's beside the point of whether it's a double-standard no? To me that solely rests on whether or not he would be cool with it if you wanted/expected him to be.
 
I don't know, it seems a bit like ...if we are implying its a double standard...then we are also on some level implying that penis is just more important than the vagina.

Like in Amber's example, she stated shes attracted to other girls more than other men. So she doesnt want to have sex with other men. And neither does her S.O. But they both like the pussy.

So its not like he's getting a great deal and shes getting a lame deal. Which is basically the definition of a double standard.

They are both getting sweet loving from the mingeflangepussytacular furry cup of joy.

The fact that neither of them are getting extra dick isn't really relevant as neither of them want it.
 
Sounds like the underlying argument is over whether or not the term "double standard" is always a bad thing. Verbal arguments rarely go anywhere, since people are really less likely to change how they use a word or phrase than change how they feel about an actual issue. :)
 
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Since this will just end up being an endless argument about definitions, everyone seems to want to be different in how they define their open or monogamous relationship, it would be pointless for me to state my opinion. It brings up another topic and while not terribly off topic, feel free to ignore it if you feel it derails this one.

It appears to me the social conditioning of acceptance of threesomes, two girls and a guy, is working. We could even go so far as to say it is working for gay and bi-sexual relationships when between two women is more acceptable than the opposite. Even women that say they are, and consider themselves, straight seem to be fine getting together with other women or have no problems watching it. A friend of mine who considered herself a lesbian in the past but now says she is bi, is disgusted by the idea of two men together. While me, the straight guy, is not disgusted by the idea of two men together. The idea does nothing for me sexually, but intellectually it does not bother me. Yes, I know. Every one is different.

Whenever there is talk about threesomes, at least in the circles it is brought up, when it is two guys and girl you rarely if ever find there is interaction between the men. Generally, the women have no interest in having the men interact sexually with each other either. Maybe that is part of the double standard? It really feels to me there is some kind of social conditioning going on, almost akin to the image of women in society and the social pressures they feel on what is the desired look. Or maybe it is a part of that same conditioning? :twocents-02cents:
 
Makes sense. I too think it's very likely all about conditioning. But each of us has slightly different conditioning. I find viewing two men disgusting, but only in the sense that I don't like to view people eating food that I am disgusted by. :) The act, not the people.

I agree about everything else Just Me said. I had a "bi" gf some years ago and though she loved watching porn, both straight and lesbian, she said she found gay (m/m) porn disgusting.

It's either conditioning or possibly women really are more appealing, physically, than men. lol I'll go with that and remain in denial. lol
 
Well, if the thread is about whether it's okay to have threesomes of a particular configuration because you and your partner both want that then...obviously sure, knock yourselves out (hopefully don't knock yourselves up like one slightly silly girl I know who spent the next nervous 9 months, as did her husband, wondering what skin tone her baby would come out heh).

On the other hand, if the question is about whether or not it's an actual double-standard for a person to be cool with threesomes that cater to their gender, but not the reverse, then what each couple thinks about it has absolutely nothing to do with anything.

So to clarify - what is the thread about? Because almost every post has just said that it's a couple's choice (well, obviously).

Since we're giving individual opinions, I'm happy with MFF, not so much with MMF. And yes, I admit it's a double-standard. There, was that so hard? :p
 
I feel as though the term "double-standard" does not apply to preferences. I like milk chocolate, but I do not like white chocolate. Is that a double-standard? No, it's a preference. My boyfriend enjoys watching two women fuck, but not two men. Is that a double-standard? No, it's a preference.
 
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