Tips for staying strong when coming out of a toxic relationship?

[CottonKitty]

I know that this topic may be a little too personal and its also for me, but rn im getting out of one or trying and i lack irl girl friends to talk about this kind of things and a lot of times the feeling of loneliness and stuff makes you want to come back to things that you know are no good, so i would like to have some tips to read when im feeling weak, or listen to your experiences if you wanna share, or if any of you girls is in a similar situation to support each other and keep our heads high! The guy i was with, we were together for 4 years and he isn't and has never been violent to me, but he cheated, he has lied and basically made me feel like crap and killed my self esteem so... fair enough! lol

 

[JickyJuly]

Blocking him on social media and changing your phone number.

 

[Ann_Sulu]

Distract yourself. Use work as a distraction, and as an advantage to your income. Watch a movie. Read. Pick up a hobby. Listen to music. DO SOMETHING.

Might also check for things in your area here. Might make some local friends.
meetupdotcom

 

[Peeking_Kitty]

I know that this topic may be a little too personal and its also for me, but rn im getting out of one or trying and i lack irl girl friends to talk about this kind of things and a lot of times the feeling of loneliness and stuff makes you want to come back to things that you know are no good, so i would like to have some tips to read when im feeling weak, or listen to your experiences if you wanna share, or if any of you girls is in a similar situation to support each other and keep our heads high! The guy i was with, we were together for 4 years and he isn't and has never been violent to me, but he cheated, he has lied and basically made me feel like crap and killed my self esteem so... fair enough! lol

To stay away, write down your reasons for not being together and reasons he is toxic. Write down how it makes you feel when he cheats. Write down consequences of staying with him and what you think the future could look like without him.

Read what you have written down whenever you consider getting back together with him.

Repeat as often as needed.

 

[SoniaJay]

You got to keep yourself strong. That's the only way to really grow. Set your boundaries and make sure you're not breaking them there's no real advice that anyone could give you, you're the only one that knows exactly what was going on between you two and how to deal with it. So i would say, learn to be your own rock. That's the most helpfull thing.

 

[Sextoysinventor]

I know you asked for help from other girls. And maybe you won't like my answer. But I have a LOT of relationship experience. The best way to keep yourself from going back is to figure out how you got there in the first place. Of course you didn't *want* a guy who made you feel bad about yourself. But, you ended up with one anyway. Why? When you can understand your own drivers and the reasons for the path you took, then you can avoid repeating the same mistake next time. Most people only do that successfully with the help of a therapist.

 

[Harvey]

Manipulate people and make them feel like crap is a form of violence.
Psychologic violence. I can't tell you what to do but i hope you will move on.

 

[CottonKitty]

Im already on the way of trying to get things right, focusing on myself, trying to be busy and do things, sadly i can't block him and i indirectly depend on him for my work because I've got to use his place, at least at the beginning until i have money to afford my own, i don't have to see him tho, he is not even at home while i cam, and tbh he is a good person, a messed up person but not a bad human being, just a bad boyfriend, i guess i have to learn to move him to another place in my heart and mind while he is still around so its a little bit harder, but its gonna be ok, thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. All the answers have been very helpful!

 

[Deleted member 37064]

Along with what others have said, find ways to stay busy and keep the focus on you and your personal growth. You said it's been four years you've been together, which is a long time to be with someone. Take time for yourself, and relearn who you are now compared to before you got into the relationship. I think this is one of the key factors that many don't consider before getting into the next.

If you can do it, get out and try something new that challenges you a little. It'll help give you something to focus on, and small goals over time. One of my favorite hobbies is archery which gives me some great focus and is a way to show improvement. I've also met some really good people through it, as well as introduced others to the sport as I also did some coaching after a few years of shooting.

While you still need to interact with him, it'll be impossible to block. Wish you the best on this, and hope you can be where you want and need to be soon. I think you're already on the right track.

 

[wholesomechoking]

I know that this topic may be a little too personal and its also for me, but rn im getting out of one or trying and i lack irl girl friends to talk about this kind of things and a lot of times the feeling of loneliness and stuff makes you want to come back to things that you know are no good, so i would like to have some tips to read when im feeling weak, or listen to your experiences if you wanna share, or if any of you girls is in a similar situation to support each other and keep our heads high! The guy i was with, we were together for 4 years and he isn't and has never been violent to me, but he cheated, he has lied and basically made me feel like crap and killed my self esteem so... fair enough! lol

i think i'm too new to send hugs, but *hugs*



create situations that induce the four chemicals that produce happiness. endorphins, serotonin, oxytocin and dopamine. if you gain and understanding of those chemicals, it will be much easier for you to have a balanced self esteem. this is the only way i can really help myself because i think of problems like this in a scientific way. good luck girlie

 

[lolazbabe]

Block him out of your life and remember that you are better. Remind yourself how great you are whenever you possibly can. Try and hang out with some friends, and you don't even need to talk about it just get out and do something. I recently found that doing things on my own is great, I saw a movie on my own (which was so strange but felt so good). Just do what makes you happy, dance in your underwear, create a playlist of all the songs you can belt out and just SING. It'll be okay but the important thing is to remember there are people to help you whenever you need it.
Keep going forward and never look back, I'm so proud of you.

 

[Bocefish]

Apparently, he's not toxic enough since you keep using him for his resources.

Staying strong?

What strengths did you bring to the relationship?

Take a good honest look in the mirror and ask yourself how you can really be stronger and more independent... then do it.

 

[Summer Raynes]

Itbh he is a good person, a messed up person but not a bad human being, just a bad boyfriend

Been there, done that. "He's a good guy, just an abusive boyfriend". Nope, wasn't a good guy and a worse boyfriend. Therapy. Therapy works. Remember why you left him in the first place babe. Maybe getting a PT job to gtfo.

 

[Starman]

If he cheated on you, www.survivinginfidelity.com is an awesome online support group. Good luck!

 

[venomous]

For me, I just say...I love this person, I will always love this person, but I do not love the relationship. You broke up for a reason, right? Going back to him feels good because loving someone feels good. People want to love and be loved. But he could be the best man in the world. It doesn't matter. If y'all are bad together, you'll be unhappy. Remember, you can keep loving him and still move on, still let go, still learn to love someone new.

Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself. Be forgiving of your feelings. Allow yourself to appreciate the good. Forget the bad. That all worked for me.

 

[Deleted member 43650]

I know that this topic may be a little too personal and its also for me, but rn im getting out of one or trying and i lack irl girl friends to talk about this kind of things and a lot of times the feeling of loneliness and stuff makes you want to come back to things that you know are no good, so i would like to have some tips to read when im feeling weak, or listen to your experiences if you wanna share, or if any of you girls is in a similar situation to support each other and keep our heads high! The guy i was with, we were together for 4 years and he isn't and has never been violent to me, but he cheated, he has lied and basically made me feel like crap and killed my self esteem so... fair enough! lol

First, I am terribly sorry to hear about your experience. A monogamous relationship is a contract between two partners with a known precedent that fidelity should be observed, zero exceptions. To violate that via cheating is to violate your partner. In short, you have experienced a type of psychological abuse, and nobody deserves that.

I imagine you might feel somewhat disillusioned about relationships; you might feel fear about dating and trusting others due to this experience. One of the most important things for you to do in this period is to process what you went through, to acquire a more lucid, objective perspective of what happened. Try journaling and writing about the experience. Talk to other women who have experienced infidelity - there are many support groups IRL that could be very useful for you. Sometimes anonymity helps us open up more. Sex and Love Addiction Anonymous (SLA) could be a good resource for you, as well. IIRC, SLA has an adjunct group for victims of relationship abuse. Last, you do need validation - there is nothing wrong with that. It is important that you feel understood, that you are not overreacting, that your feelings are indeed valid. I'm just some random guy, but I am a very avid proponent of respecting fidelity (married guy here - I consider my marriage sacred). I care about what happened to you, for what it is worth.

As for feelings of worthlessness or fault - this isn't because of you. There is no excuse for infidelity in a monogamous relationship, period. The problem was this guy, his lack of respect for you and for the sacredness of trust in your relationship. I guarantee you his infidelity had nothing to do with who you are, but with personal issues of his own.

In short, I recommend talking to the other women on this site, sharing experiences, and reminding yourself every day that YOU are a badass for staying strong and moving on from a guy who doesn't deserve you (I don't need to know him to say this; real men don't cheat!) Hope this helps!