Feeling fat and ugly, haven't cammed in tree weeks

[mermaidwhit]

I am struggling with depression and always been a depressed person. One of my problems is vitiligo, all the pigment in my body is almost gone except for my belly, back and privates..spots of my real skin color left behind get even darker making a stark contract with the white milky skin surrounded it. One of these spots is around my anus area...when I show my behind on cam or spread just a little it looks like IT'S SHIT there that I didn't wipe around my anus hole, it's even the same color of shit and a customer already asked me if it was shit and some left when I did doggy for them. I put covering makeup cream on it but its get smeared or dissapears when I sit down again...so fucking annoying..also there are spots around pussy and it looks like a disease there.

I feel a lot of anxiety when im asked to show my ass and this is all men want these days...just ass, ass, ass but im a boob woman and there are no spots there. I know some of you might say ..not show ass then...but I lost 90% of customers if I decided to do so as I said most men are asss obsessed and that's all they ask for...

So overall im not very secure and keep thinking "go away already, I hate this" or "just pull through it" when im in a private session yet trying to seduce him for the money obviously.

I'm also a bit overweight (158 lbs) and im 5'5 and not loving the rolls at all. I already lost 20 pounds lately but im stuck at 158 since I have hypothyroidism and my medication was changed so that could be standing on the way of losing pounds. I don't know....I know theres a crowd out there for guys that love women with something extra but DAMN everytime I visit any cam page all the featured girls are skinny in shape and the ones earning the most, I can't help but think I would earn more if I weighted 120-130

Another factor is living with my parents and emotional abuse, control and bs coming from them ..Oh and the constant stream of religious material (Christianity) from tv and radio and internet that my mom loves to hear everyday. It's always a male talking about how women should guard themselves, be modest and "good women of god" and sex its just for marriage and all that moralistic talk that makes me feel guilty at once even if I don't want it, it still affects my brain somehow...

Being a virgin and ignored by men in real life. During camming im told that im beautiful, cute, sexy yet I never heard this coming from a man mouth until I was 29 and tried camming for the first time. Never been invited to parties, never dated, never given a flower and not even looking at me...or treating me like I was a real person..just invisible...that's how it has been for me all these years but hey everything magically changes when im behind the screen? WHY? This is affecting me psychologically..im good enough to get them off yet not good enough for real life dating...makes me angry to come this far without normal experiences every woman has. As a consequence I lost attraction for men and feeling like im staring at a blank wall when im cam to cam or private even if the guy is handsome, the magick is gone

I wish I could move away right now but im waiting for my citizenship appointment letter and must study some more because I spent 800 dollars in this process and can't just leave. It will take another month for this to happen and im getting really impatient, depressed and scared and the thought of men being demanding just makes it worse for the time being....so I just stop camming until Im done with my test and lose some weight?

I'm so confused...

 

[Ambers Troll]

Vitiligo in a model I tend to associate with awesome. I have known 3 models with it, all of them incredible, far above average in popularity. It is amazing what little physical flaws people so easily overlook when you have a personality that suits them.

On cam you must be honest physically, there is no place you can hide, so you must confront what you perceive as ugly. The great thing about the cam experience is that as you let go of that you realize just how little something you view as ugly about yourself matters to many others. Hopefully this extends into your real world experiences, allowing you to let down some walls, and to give someone truly interested in you a chance.

One thing you must not do, is to fight the impulse to hide from handsome men, they have the best chance of seeing you. You need only enjoy them as they obviously do you. I suspect there are as many real life men, who notice you too, when you feel bad about yourself you just have a way to exclude noticing that.

 

[Mxxxcie]

I agree! I know it's difficult and actually there aren't really many girls who look like me that cam. It's intimidating, but we all have something that makes us unique. Once you learn to embrace it, you can use it to your advantage. Easier said than done though. For every 1000 compliments, it's the 1 troll you wanna believe. You'll get there.

 

[Booty_4U]

I've had depression/anxiety for the majority of my life, so I can relate! (I have hypothyroidism too)
I've had people say the moles near my butthole "look like shit", and it sucks! But if they didn't say something about my moles, it would've been about my weight, or something else about my appearance to try and make me feel bad. Some people are just trolls!
Is camming what you really want to do? I tried it for awhile but eventually decided that it's just not for me. I'm much more comfortable making videos, because I get to do what I want and I don't have to spend hours online in hopes of making money. I think you could be "topless only" and still find people who want to tip you... some of the top cam models are non-nude. And since you're a virgin people might be a little more understanding? You could use vibrating toys over top of your panties.. or what about those "gem" butt plugs? I don't know how large the area is that you want to hide, but they sell fairly large circumference "gems" that cover most of your asshole area... or fox tails & pony tail buttplugs! Even if you're desperate for money, don't let members push you around! In my experience; when I stood my ground people were respectful to me... when I was desperate and a bit of a push-over, the trolls & scammers came out.
Top models make crazy amounts that 99% of us will never come close to making, so don't compare yourself to them! Lots of "bigger" women make good money camming. Don't forget that a lot of what you earn depends on luck as well! You could be the most beautiful, nicest, entertaining, "perfect" cam model ever, but if high tippers don't find you, you probably won't become a top model.
When you're a model on a camsite, people feel like they can be open about what they want. In real life if someone walked up to a random person they found attractive and said "I'll pay you 20 tokens to flash me" it probably wouldn't go over too well lol. I used to think no one would ever be attracted to me, etc... and then years later I found out different people had crushes on me but I had no idea! I think my depression clouded my judgement
I'm sorry that your living situation sucks! But think of it this way; only one more month until you're closer to getting out of there! Good luck!

 

[LeiaSky]

Girl, I am right there with you.
I have struggled with a lot of mental health issues over the span of my life, and still struggle to this day with it. The past week or so for me have been so horrible, whether it be my latest downward swing in the bipolar cycle, or actual physical sickness. Some days, it's just hard af to cake on that make up and turn on that camera.

The confidence thing was a huge problem for me at first. I thought I was fat and hideous and I would end up sitting on cam for hours all alone.
Not the case. When these men tell you how gorgeous you are, they mean it. Or else they wouldn't have said it in the first place! When I first started, I was taken aback by the whole camming world. I too, am not fond of my ass. And I am also a boob chick. But you know what? I still have regs that love my tiny ass, haha. The confidence builds more and more as you continue to cam. At first I would avoid certain things at all costs (like showing my ass), but now I'm just like "It's not that big but it's still perfect, bb"

It may seem odd that you are getting this attention online and not off, but think about it; thousands of men are scanning through, looking for that something special. You're what they are looking for ^_^ by going on camera, your/their options have multiplied exponentially, and so the flirting pool is much much bigger. Which is a good thing ^_^ it doesn't mean you're not good enough IRL. It just means you probably live in a pond, and the internet is a vast ocean

Also, don't let men demand shit from you.
You are the Queen of your cam room.
You might be scared to piss them off and have them leave. But guess what? You don't want those dudes in your room anyways.
You are the one providing the service. Sure, they have money, but it's your business that you're running. You get to make the rules. You get to swing the banhammer.
When I first started, I was so scared to offend a member, or tell him no. But then I realized that hey - there are thousands of other people out there willing to tip to just TALK to me ^_^ Only do what you are truly comfortable with! As time goes on, you will probably get more comfortable with adding more things to your repertoire, if you choose to continue.

Just make sure to hang in there, and take it one day/step at a time! Your health matters, physical and mental.

Side note; rereading this, I'm not trying to make it sound like you are new - these are just experiences that I had when I was, and had to learn about the hard way, haha. Just know that we know how you feel, and we have your back!

 

[KK_girl]

I feel you I been getting shy! I had a baby 5 months ago I have stretchmarks all over my stomach and I'm not in shape.