Fun With The Idiosyncrasies Of English

[Bocefish]

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.


2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.


3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?


4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.


5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.


6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?


7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?


8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?


9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?


10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"


11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?


12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?


13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?


14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?


15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?


16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?


17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?


18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?


19. HOW DO THEY GET KOALAS TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?


20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?


21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.


22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?



23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?


24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?


25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?


26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?


27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?


28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?


29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?


30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?


31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?


32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?


33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?


34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?

 

[LadyLuna]

I will not ruin the fun by pointing out the obvious ones.
I will not ruin the fun by pointing out the obvious ones.
I will not ruin the fun by pointing out the obvious ones...

oh fuck it. You can make it bigger if you really want to know, but I gotta say these!



3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

Same reason we still have dogs and wolves, if it were true. (also, ferns and trees) But man did not evolve from "monkeys and apes", monkeys and apes have a common ancestor with man.

Another example: a man changes his last name from Jones to Smith. The rest of the Jones family are still the Jones Family, but he and his descendants are now the Smith family.

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

Just because they look like animals, doesn't mean they are made from them (at worst, they might have milk and/or eggs, but I don't think so on the eggs). The objection vegetarians have is about killing animals, no animals are killed to make animal crackers.

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

The routines are choreographed to make sure they are never under longer than the one who has the shortest "hold your breath" time can hold his/her breath. And as in other sports, they are screened to not have heart troubles if they are doing the underwater stuff. But if an accident did happen, I'm sure they would pause the routine to rescue the one in trouble, or at least get the body out of the way.

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

I read about this in one of those books that's supposed to be in a bathroom (was in a waiting room, very appropriate ). It gets REALLY sour after the date. And has the same effect sour milk does (upset stomach, followed by a mess at one end or the other)

34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?

The signs are for everyone who ISN'T blind. Blind people don't need to see that their dogs are allowed in, people are aren't blind need to know that their own dogs aren't allowed, but it's okay for that blind person to keep his/hers.

 

[Bocefish]

35. Whose cruel idea was it to make hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia or Sesquipedalophobia the name to describe people with a fear of long words?