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AmberCutie's Forum
An adult community for cam models and members to discuss all the things!
JOKES
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** WARNING - ACF CONTAINS ADULT CONTENT **Only persons aged 18 or over may read or post to the forums, without regard to whether an adult actually owns the registration or parental/guardian permission. AmberCutie's Forum (ACF) is for use by adults only and contains adult content. By continuing to use this site you are confirming that you are at least 18 years of age.
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Ahh, it was from browsing that site that I learned there's a whole vocabulary of client/escort abbreviations and lingo lol. Terms such as GFE (girl friend experience - always pictured as a hooker nagging the shit out of me), BBBJCIM (bare back blow job cum in mouth - I would have thought that's just a regular blowjob but hey) that I had managed to live 30 or so years in complete ignorance of, became stark reality.
I find it really weird that there's both a bunch of covert slang for this stuff, and people who go to prostitutes regularly enough to create, learn and use it.
I find it really weird that there's both a bunch of covert slang for this stuff, and people who go to prostitutes regularly enough to create, learn and use it.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar. One of them is a little bit stupid. And the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
(I'd like to be able to take credit for that one, but I can't. That be the work of the very funny Bill Bailey :-D)
(I'd like to be able to take credit for that one, but I can't. That be the work of the very funny Bill Bailey :-D)
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A few more I saw on Myredbook:
- The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries.
- A man calls 911 and says, “I think my wife is dead.” The operator says, “How do you know?” He says, “The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!”
- I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You obviously haven’t been listening.”
- The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries.
- A man calls 911 and says, “I think my wife is dead.” The operator says, “How do you know?” He says, “The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!”
- I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You obviously haven’t been listening.”
a bunch of short jokes for yall
Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.
Husband says; “When I’m gone you’ll never find another man like me”.
Wife replied; “What makes you think I’d want another man like you!”
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn’t work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, “Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?” He says, “Why? Are my eyes bulging?”
“I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine… I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.”
Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It’s $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I’ll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I’ll get you some nails and wood.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. “But he acts so stupid,” said one to the other. “I think he must have his brains between his legs.” “Yeah,” her friend sighed, “but I’d sure love to blow his mind.”
Love thy neighbor all through the day… but first make sure her husband’s away!
“Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.” “Yes sir, it’s fresh ground.”
Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.
Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!
Wife: You wear shorts!
What’s the best date to bring on a picnic? One who will arch her back so your balls don’t get grass-stained.
It is well known…
Man stands up to get knocked down, woman lays down to get knocked up.
Boy: Do you like parties?
Girl: Yes, why?
Boy: Well then jump in my pants and have a ball!
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house? A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says that there’s nothin’ special… we just flat out tell’ em they’re gonna die…
HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That’s a good idea… you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.
The first drunk says, “There’s a hell of a lot of steps here.”
The second drunk says, “I’ll tell you what’s worse, this hand rail is bloody low down”
Want to hear two short jokes and a long joke?
Joke. Joke. Joooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkke.
A lady says to the psychiatrist, “I think I might be a nymphomaniac.” He says, “I’ll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour.” She says, “How much for all night?”
Harry’s wife says, “Harry, do these jeans make my ass look like the side of the house?” He says, “No, our house isn’t blue.”
Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, “Holy Shit it’s hot in here!” The other muffin says, “Holy Shit… A talking muffin!”
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world” The woman says, “I’ll miss you.”
One man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.
Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.
Husband says; “When I’m gone you’ll never find another man like me”.
Wife replied; “What makes you think I’d want another man like you!”
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn’t work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, “Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?” He says, “Why? Are my eyes bulging?”
“I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine… I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.”
Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It’s $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I’ll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I’ll get you some nails and wood.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. “But he acts so stupid,” said one to the other. “I think he must have his brains between his legs.” “Yeah,” her friend sighed, “but I’d sure love to blow his mind.”
Love thy neighbor all through the day… but first make sure her husband’s away!
“Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.” “Yes sir, it’s fresh ground.”
Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.
Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!
Wife: You wear shorts!
What’s the best date to bring on a picnic? One who will arch her back so your balls don’t get grass-stained.
It is well known…
Man stands up to get knocked down, woman lays down to get knocked up.
Boy: Do you like parties?
Girl: Yes, why?
Boy: Well then jump in my pants and have a ball!
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house? A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says that there’s nothin’ special… we just flat out tell’ em they’re gonna die…
HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That’s a good idea… you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.
The first drunk says, “There’s a hell of a lot of steps here.”
The second drunk says, “I’ll tell you what’s worse, this hand rail is bloody low down”
Want to hear two short jokes and a long joke?
Joke. Joke. Joooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkke.
A lady says to the psychiatrist, “I think I might be a nymphomaniac.” He says, “I’ll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour.” She says, “How much for all night?”
Harry’s wife says, “Harry, do these jeans make my ass look like the side of the house?” He says, “No, our house isn’t blue.”
Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, “Holy Shit it’s hot in here!” The other muffin says, “Holy Shit… A talking muffin!”
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world” The woman says, “I’ll miss you.”
One man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.
schlmoe
V.I.P. AmberLander
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Q: What’s gray and comes in quarts?
A: An elephant.
Q. What sexual position guarantees the ugliest baby?
A. Go ask your mother.
Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
A: He doesn’t want anybody to know he fucks chickens.
Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well-hung.
Q: What do you get when you cross a hit of acid with a birth-control pill?
A: A trip without the kids.
Complements of http://www.maxim.com/
A: An elephant.
Q. What sexual position guarantees the ugliest baby?
A. Go ask your mother.
Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
A: He doesn’t want anybody to know he fucks chickens.
Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well-hung.
Q: What do you get when you cross a hit of acid with a birth-control pill?
A: A trip without the kids.
Complements of http://www.maxim.com/
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I was teling a girl in the pub tonight about my uncanny ability to guess what day a woman was born on by feeling her breasts.
"Really"? she said..."Go on then... try"
After about a minute of touching she began to lose patience.
"Come on" she demanded. "What day was I born?
"Fucking Yesterday" I said.
"Really"? she said..."Go on then... try"
After about a minute of touching she began to lose patience.
"Come on" she demanded. "What day was I born?
"Fucking Yesterday" I said.
:lol:
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A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.
While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink.
The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of
lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you
drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue! -- salty but OK. He
drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it ... in one second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys
curdles... at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.
This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend and says "What the hell do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says, "It's called 'Blow Job's Revenge.'
While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink.
The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of
lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you
drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue! -- salty but OK. He
drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it ... in one second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys
curdles... at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.
This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend and says "What the hell do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says, "It's called 'Blow Job's Revenge.'
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting saused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...
Four nun's got in a car accident and died. Of course, they went up to
heaven and St. Peter was waiting for them at the gate.
"Ladies, please confess your sins so that you may pass through the
gates," says St. Peter. Well, naturally, the first nun walks up and
says," "St. Peter, I must confess I once saw a man's penis!"
Don't worry, says St. Peter, go wash your eyes in that holy water and
your sin will be forgiven.
The second nun comes up and says, "I must confess I once touched a
man's penis!"
Ohhh, says St. Peter, that is truly a sin, but go and was your hands
in the holy water and your sins will be forgiven...
...meanwhile, in the backround the THIRD and FOURTH nuns are
going at it, yelling and cursing at each other. "What is the problem,
that you should make so much noise at the gates of heaven?" asks St.
Peter.
"Well," says the FOURTH nun, "there is NO WAY I am going to gargle
with that holy water after HER ass has been in it!!!"
heaven and St. Peter was waiting for them at the gate.
"Ladies, please confess your sins so that you may pass through the
gates," says St. Peter. Well, naturally, the first nun walks up and
says," "St. Peter, I must confess I once saw a man's penis!"
Don't worry, says St. Peter, go wash your eyes in that holy water and
your sin will be forgiven.
The second nun comes up and says, "I must confess I once touched a
man's penis!"
Ohhh, says St. Peter, that is truly a sin, but go and was your hands
in the holy water and your sins will be forgiven...
...meanwhile, in the backround the THIRD and FOURTH nuns are
going at it, yelling and cursing at each other. "What is the problem,
that you should make so much noise at the gates of heaven?" asks St.
Peter.
"Well," says the FOURTH nun, "there is NO WAY I am going to gargle
with that holy water after HER ass has been in it!!!"
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?" "Tarzan check for bees!"
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?" "Tarzan check for bees!"
A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked. One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.
"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I"ll remove one piece of clothing.
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull himout!" The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies: "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I"ll remove one piece of clothing.
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull himout!" The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies: "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
A teacher asked her third grade class to name words that ended with“tor” that ate things.
The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."
The second boy said, "Predator."
“ Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."
“ Well my mother has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."
The second boy said, "Predator."
“ Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."
“ Well my mother has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs
of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".
to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs
of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".
A woman says to her husband "I feel fat & ugly today - pay me a compliment'
Husband replies - 'your eyesight is perfect.'
Husband replies - 'your eyesight is perfect.'
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !'
And they say blondes are dumb....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...... '.
------------ --------- -------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower…'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
--------- --------- --------- ----
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
---- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy. .
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.........
......then He made the earth round.
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !'
And they say blondes are dumb....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...... '.
------------ --------- -------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower…'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
---- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy. .
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.........
......then He made the earth round.
I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde
woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he
can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies with a smile, "I think you're the father
of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper
from my bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table with all
my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet
celery?"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says ,
"No, I'm your son's math teacher."
Two Blind Pilots:
The passengers on a commercial airliner are all sat on the plane waiting for the cockpit crew to arrive so that the flight can get underway. Finally, the pilot and co-pilot appear and begin walking across the tarmac towards the plane. It doesn’t go unnoticed that both men appear to be blind. The Pilot is holding a white cane and only narrowly avoids being flattened by an incoming 747, while the co-pilot is being dragged down the runway by a guide dog. Both men have their eyes covered by huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers giggle nervously, thinking that it must be some kind of practical joke, as the pair jostle their way onboard. After a few minutes, the engines power up and the aircraft begins to move to its take off position. Looking decidedly uneasy, the passengers begin to turn to the flight attendants for reassurance that all is well, but suddenly the plane starts to accelerate as it prepares to take off. Pure panic now sets in amongst the passengers as the the plane hurtles towards the end of the runway. Some start praying, others adopt a crash position, while others just become hysterical. As the plane thunders on and on, closer to the end of the runway, the tension runs higher and higher, until with barely 100m to go, everyone starts to scream loudly. At the very last second, the plane lifts and takes to the sky, gracefully rising upwards, as if nothing was wrong.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a huge sigh of relief and turns to the pilot and says… “You know, one of these days those fuckers back there ain’t gonna scream… and we’re all gonna get killed.”
MY LIVING WILL
Last night my friend and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, if that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch!
NEVER CHOKE IN A SOUTHERN RESTAURANT
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and
beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, begins to
cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the
back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly
gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm
and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she
begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks
slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there
'Hind Lick Manoeuver' but I ain't never seed nobody do it."
The Old Mans Pond
An elderly man in Texas had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a beautiful large pond at the back of the property next to the road.
He’d fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and he’d planted some
nice flowers and fruit trees next to the pond.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, as he hadn’t been down there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard splashing and female voices shouting and laughing
with... As he came closer he saw that 5 young women had parked their car at the side
of the road, climbed the fence and were skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his Presence and they all went hurriedly
splashing to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re naked
and we’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned and yelled back, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond.” Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m just here to feed the alligator.”
Old men can still think fast.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde
woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he
can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies with a smile, "I think you're the father
of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper
from my bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table with all
my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet
celery?"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says ,
"No, I'm your son's math teacher."
Two Blind Pilots:
The passengers on a commercial airliner are all sat on the plane waiting for the cockpit crew to arrive so that the flight can get underway. Finally, the pilot and co-pilot appear and begin walking across the tarmac towards the plane. It doesn’t go unnoticed that both men appear to be blind. The Pilot is holding a white cane and only narrowly avoids being flattened by an incoming 747, while the co-pilot is being dragged down the runway by a guide dog. Both men have their eyes covered by huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers giggle nervously, thinking that it must be some kind of practical joke, as the pair jostle their way onboard. After a few minutes, the engines power up and the aircraft begins to move to its take off position. Looking decidedly uneasy, the passengers begin to turn to the flight attendants for reassurance that all is well, but suddenly the plane starts to accelerate as it prepares to take off. Pure panic now sets in amongst the passengers as the the plane hurtles towards the end of the runway. Some start praying, others adopt a crash position, while others just become hysterical. As the plane thunders on and on, closer to the end of the runway, the tension runs higher and higher, until with barely 100m to go, everyone starts to scream loudly. At the very last second, the plane lifts and takes to the sky, gracefully rising upwards, as if nothing was wrong.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a huge sigh of relief and turns to the pilot and says… “You know, one of these days those fuckers back there ain’t gonna scream… and we’re all gonna get killed.”
MY LIVING WILL
Last night my friend and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, if that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch!
NEVER CHOKE IN A SOUTHERN RESTAURANT
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and
beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, begins to
cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the
back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly
gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm
and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she
begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks
slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there
'Hind Lick Manoeuver' but I ain't never seed nobody do it."
The Old Mans Pond
An elderly man in Texas had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a beautiful large pond at the back of the property next to the road.
He’d fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and he’d planted some
nice flowers and fruit trees next to the pond.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, as he hadn’t been down there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard splashing and female voices shouting and laughing
with... As he came closer he saw that 5 young women had parked their car at the side
of the road, climbed the fence and were skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his Presence and they all went hurriedly
splashing to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re naked
and we’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned and yelled back, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond.” Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m just here to feed the alligator.”
Old men can still think fast.
A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. "Not yet", said the boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
He’s a little ticked off, so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow. When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon, and why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?", he asks.
"Well", his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week. i saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk".
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "You gonna tell him or should I".
He’s a little ticked off, so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow. When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon, and why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?", he asks.
"Well", his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week. i saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk".
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "You gonna tell him or should I".
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me.
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says,
"Beat it: You are washed up And I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud, I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs.
"You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch, when he sees the two roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squalking
And running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Dammit.....
Third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story? ...
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
Always overcome youth and arrogance!
"OK old fart, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me.
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says,
"Beat it: You are washed up And I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud, I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs.
"You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch, when he sees the two roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squalking
And running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Dammit.....
Third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story? ...
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
Always overcome youth and arrogance!
- Status
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