ok, disclaimer time. first off i am not referring to any real individuals or groups in this post at all. (other than myself and my personal experiences) i'm not even speaking in generalities since that would assume that i am applying my thoughts to people in reality. all im doing is mulling over a few things in the realm of thought.
ok, i've been reading some of my stack of BDSM erotica the last few days and it has had me thinking about the subject. one of the things that i noticed is the tendency of alpha types to be submissives when they play. since some of the tops ive met over the years tend to be very calm, relaxed people outside of play and the subs seem to have strong personalities outside of it as well i thought more about how i am a dominant when i play, without exception, since the last time i tried it just to be thorough. Thing is, while i am sort of relaxed and laid back, i am by no means like other doms i have known. i'm too... i dunno... forceful? outside of play. even if i am quiet and passive in conversation and interactions with my loved ones it is a dominant quiet. i am quiet because doing so actually controls the conversation and makes the other person think about what they are saying. if they dont then i can just ignore them and walk away. (hey, i've said plenty of times i am hard to live with and can be a real prick)
thing is my career which took up a full half of my waking hours most of the time, was one of submission. i was handservant and bodyservant to others for a living. i catered to their needs to the exclusion of my own, even to the point of costing myself sleep, pay and/or time to earn other money. certainly when working i had my limits and lines, mostly based on professional ethics, but a few personal ones as well. i never stayed long with racist or bigoted clients, and i never agreed with them when they spouted off. i would stay silent on the topic unless pressed, and as soon as they pressed make a call to the office and tell them i was done, but still i stayed polite and within the bounds of professional behavior. when a person is in need of nursing care they tend to have all dignity and control stripped from them, so in my mind it was only the right thing to do to make sure they had as much as possible when i was working.
so i started to wondering if that isnt part of why im a dom when i play, and in most other things in life. did i so fully satisfy my need to submit in my job that my dominant urges were all that was left when it came to personal time? or is it that i was having to work so hard at being submissive and quiet while working that it drove my basic dominance to a greater height? If i had been, oh i dont know a drill sergeant or an executive of some kind, forced to be the alpha all the time would i have found a need and desire to be submissive in play? i know for sure that being the alpha is a pain in the ass. way more stress than reward for sure. i much prefer being in a group of betas and swapping out lead dog role as needed.
maybe if that had been my life's work i would be the stereotype of the hard working CEO that hires a dominatrix on the weekends to escape from the constant need to make decisions. Lords know that the bliss and calm that i see in submissives i've played with seems transcendent. much more so that the calm and comfort i got as the top. That isnt to say that i was not fulfilled by the experience. i was or i wouldnt have done it more than 3 or 4 times (just to be sure ya know).
I also know that the submissive role just irritates the daylights out of me. the same phrases and rituals that my subs loved when i did them just pissed me off when i tried to sub. heck i never could call someone master or mistress without laughing so hard that play time was over, but i don't mind it being used by my pets. whatever makes them happy i guess lol.
and when i thought that last phrase in the shower a little bit ago it sent a wave of "AH-HA" through me. here i am, making someone (and there should be quotes around making there) crawl and whipping them and such and i'm really doin it to make them happy and make them feel good. the part of it that satisfies me, that makes me feel whole and safe isnt the acts themselves. it isnt the rituals and the toys and the outfits. it is pure and simple the surrender and trust.
this person at my feet gave me that control, that power. they could take it all back with one word or phrase. they could walk away at any time. but because i am giving them relief and peace and joy they dont. now i wonder if i am really a dominant at all, at least in terms of fetish. if the thing about it that excites me, fulfills me is the surrender itself could i enjoy it through other means? or does it really take the symbolism and ritual for me to feel that surrender so truly?
anyway, i post this not because i need answers, or think that my thoughts will provide anything to anyone else. i post it just because sometimes when you find a truth about yourself it has to be shared to be real and stick with you, so if you read any of it, thank you. if you didn't, cant blame you lol.
ok, i've been reading some of my stack of BDSM erotica the last few days and it has had me thinking about the subject. one of the things that i noticed is the tendency of alpha types to be submissives when they play. since some of the tops ive met over the years tend to be very calm, relaxed people outside of play and the subs seem to have strong personalities outside of it as well i thought more about how i am a dominant when i play, without exception, since the last time i tried it just to be thorough. Thing is, while i am sort of relaxed and laid back, i am by no means like other doms i have known. i'm too... i dunno... forceful? outside of play. even if i am quiet and passive in conversation and interactions with my loved ones it is a dominant quiet. i am quiet because doing so actually controls the conversation and makes the other person think about what they are saying. if they dont then i can just ignore them and walk away. (hey, i've said plenty of times i am hard to live with and can be a real prick)
thing is my career which took up a full half of my waking hours most of the time, was one of submission. i was handservant and bodyservant to others for a living. i catered to their needs to the exclusion of my own, even to the point of costing myself sleep, pay and/or time to earn other money. certainly when working i had my limits and lines, mostly based on professional ethics, but a few personal ones as well. i never stayed long with racist or bigoted clients, and i never agreed with them when they spouted off. i would stay silent on the topic unless pressed, and as soon as they pressed make a call to the office and tell them i was done, but still i stayed polite and within the bounds of professional behavior. when a person is in need of nursing care they tend to have all dignity and control stripped from them, so in my mind it was only the right thing to do to make sure they had as much as possible when i was working.
so i started to wondering if that isnt part of why im a dom when i play, and in most other things in life. did i so fully satisfy my need to submit in my job that my dominant urges were all that was left when it came to personal time? or is it that i was having to work so hard at being submissive and quiet while working that it drove my basic dominance to a greater height? If i had been, oh i dont know a drill sergeant or an executive of some kind, forced to be the alpha all the time would i have found a need and desire to be submissive in play? i know for sure that being the alpha is a pain in the ass. way more stress than reward for sure. i much prefer being in a group of betas and swapping out lead dog role as needed.
maybe if that had been my life's work i would be the stereotype of the hard working CEO that hires a dominatrix on the weekends to escape from the constant need to make decisions. Lords know that the bliss and calm that i see in submissives i've played with seems transcendent. much more so that the calm and comfort i got as the top. That isnt to say that i was not fulfilled by the experience. i was or i wouldnt have done it more than 3 or 4 times (just to be sure ya know).
I also know that the submissive role just irritates the daylights out of me. the same phrases and rituals that my subs loved when i did them just pissed me off when i tried to sub. heck i never could call someone master or mistress without laughing so hard that play time was over, but i don't mind it being used by my pets. whatever makes them happy i guess lol.
and when i thought that last phrase in the shower a little bit ago it sent a wave of "AH-HA" through me. here i am, making someone (and there should be quotes around making there) crawl and whipping them and such and i'm really doin it to make them happy and make them feel good. the part of it that satisfies me, that makes me feel whole and safe isnt the acts themselves. it isnt the rituals and the toys and the outfits. it is pure and simple the surrender and trust.
this person at my feet gave me that control, that power. they could take it all back with one word or phrase. they could walk away at any time. but because i am giving them relief and peace and joy they dont. now i wonder if i am really a dominant at all, at least in terms of fetish. if the thing about it that excites me, fulfills me is the surrender itself could i enjoy it through other means? or does it really take the symbolism and ritual for me to feel that surrender so truly?
anyway, i post this not because i need answers, or think that my thoughts will provide anything to anyone else. i post it just because sometimes when you find a truth about yourself it has to be shared to be real and stick with you, so if you read any of it, thank you. if you didn't, cant blame you lol.