Aftercare?

[Smash_xoxo]

This post is open to Doms and subs alike.

I'm curious about something...when you're playing with someone and finish a scene or playtime, how important is aftercare to you? When answering, please specify whether you're a Dom or a sub. And anything else you want to include like what are some must-haves when providing or receiving aftercare.

Thanks!

xoxo

 

[southsamurai]

aftercare ftw!
rub downs with soothing ointments are a must if there was serious whipping going on. plus on the now hyper sensitive skin it adds another layer of both pain and pleasure. (i make my own, but anything with aloe will work)
for the less physical sessions swapping out to real gentleness and cuddling can be awesome. of course that kind of thing depends on the individuals involved, but doesnt all bdsm play depend on the individuals?
that last part is why it is hard to be specific. some people i've topped wanted to just sleep. others want the gentleness, and some prefer the interaction to continue, or to take a break from any interaction at all.
myself i rarely did group stuff, and only once or twice with random play partners so it was usually about the relationship being deepened by the play so some kind of aftercare was essential.

 

[JerryBoBerry]

I'm easy in the aftercare department. As long as I can get me a sammich I'm good.

 

[BettyBallistic]

We're not really doing much now because I'm 6 1/2 months pregnant, but before all that, my Dominant/boyfriend/baby daddy and I had really rough and intense scenes most of the time. Sometimes a good, hard beating is the only way for me to release a lot of stress, and it's not unusual for him to keep on until I totally break down into tears. Sounds crazy, but it's very cathartic. For those scenes, obviously aftercare is of the utmost importance. Some of our more light, sexy scenes require less aftercare, but I still like some couch time and cuddles anyway.

As far as scenes with other people go, I play with other people pretty often, but they're usually not as rough on me as Irish (my Dom), and so the aftercare isn't necessarily a requirement, but there's a few pretty girls in the scene that will jump under a blanked with me and we cuddle and paw at each other. I'll never turn down an opportunity to feel up on an attractive lady, and it's a nice "cool-down".

I think the need for aftercare is relative to each person. Some of us need more, and others just want to be left alone while they wind down. It also depends on the type of scene, IMO. As they say, YMMV.

 

[LadyLuna]

I am submissive.

Aftercare is incredibly important to me after any playtime which isn't completely vanilla. Even if we don't have sex, if he's tied me up, I need a bit of cuddle.

My aftercare is cuddles and "good girl". Of course, the more hardcore the play, the more aftercare I need. The point of it, is for me to know that I have pleased him, that I am good, that he still wants me. It helps me center myself, and not get bitchy or snippy with him. But too much of it, and I'll get bitchy with him, as my ego will get too big. It's a very delicate thing, and we're both still figuring it out.

 

[Evvie]

When I was the bottom half of an M/s relationship for two years, aftercare was not just a "okay now we have to do this so you don't feel miserable" type of thing, but an important part of the scene itself.

To me, aftercare is an important element of processing the physical and emotional sensations during a scene. To use a bookish analogy, the end of the scene is the climax and aftercare is the falling action.

Sometimes certain types of aftercare ("aww, you just need some coco and snuggles") completely ruin the scene. Like rape play or degradation. Seems a bit pointless to go through intense situations that cause emotional turmoil, and as soon as you get to lie there and wallow in your struggle and anguish your top hands you a teddy bear and says he didn't mean any of it and you're a perfect princess. In situations where humiliation/degradation is the goal, I would prefer aftercare that is more along the lines of laying down in a quiet place and processing emotions until I'm finally ready to re-enter the real world, whereupon some cuddles and snuggles may be nice.

For me, the most important element of receiving aftercare is to make sure that my top was actually helping me reach the emotions that I wanted to reach.

For example, if I was trying out a new fetish I was shy or embarrassed about, if my top wanted to leave me alone in the corner for a while, I would feel like he didn't have a good time or he was tired of the scene, and that would make me feel upset.

Or, as stated above, if during a humiliation scene I was immediately inundated with snuggles and not given time to process my emotions, I would feel suffocated and meta-upset with what was going on.

In my kink life, aftercare is now negotiated along with the rest of the scene.

 

[Diana Blake]

I have been reminded multiple times that I'm a terrible example of this but... I'm a switch and I don't really do much aftercare. Don't warm me up, beat me crazy hard, leave massive welts and then let me sit quietly for five minutes with a sip of water and a cracker while I enjoy the burn. I'm good.

It should be noted that I suffer from an adrenal disease that allows me to compartmentalize pain to a level that most don't. After a certain amount of stimuli my nerves actually stop firing at full values whether that's pleasurable stimuli or painful. I actually do suggest aftercare for almost everyone; just understand that your aftercare is not everyone's. Some people like to be left alone to the cool air. Some like a blanket and snuggles. Some like a coloring book and a 120 crayola pack. It all depends on the person and there's no right or wrong way to do things.

 

[Smash_xoxo]

These are really great responses. Thanks so much! I do agree that it varies per person and should be discussed along with the scene itself.

I myself like to be told that I was a good girl while being snuggled. One thing that I've had with several peiple who have topped me is that they'll contact me within a day or two to check in on me and talk a little about what worked or didn't work and just get basic input. It helps to solidify the experience. On my own though I always jave a chocolate bar on hand the day after for when the drop hits. The sugar helps ease it a bit.

I actually just played with someone new last night and it's someone I've been wanting ti plau with for years so I was thrilled she could have me. And things just clicked. She knew what I needed and when and it was fantastic. She even said that she wanted to keep me in her closet to play with whenever she wanted.

Thanks again for all the feedback. I love hearing about other people's experiences.

 

[Anonymous]

aftercare ftw!
rub downs with soothing ointments are a must if there was serious whipping going on. plus on the now hyper sensitive skin it adds another layer of both pain and pleasure. (i make my own, but anything with aloe will work)

I'm really curious about this. Would you mind PMing me about your recipe or just more about it? I give Boyfriend a lot of back rubs and would love to make the experience better c:

To the topic at hand:
Both Bf and I are switches, though we rarely do anything too hardcore. He'll occasionally throw me around (unnnhhhhghghghghgh yes) and he can (and does!) spank the hell out of me at times.
The aftercare for the spanktimes is really just me laying on my front, sometimes he'll take that opportunity to sit on my butt and give me one hell of a back rub (which is AWESOME, DEAR GOD), sometimes not.

When I'm the more dominant one, it basically involves me not letting him touch me while I ride him, by pinning his hands down by the wrists.
Aftercare for that generally involves me dismounting in an extremely sexy fashion (flopping to the side and rolling over) and giving him a good kissy cuddle.

Edit: after vanilla sex, we mainly flop to the side depending on who was on top, catch breaths, then when we can breathe normally again cuddling up and most likely falling the fuck asleep.

 

[southsamurai]

the current recipe i use is aloe based (of course) i get the stuff by the gallon. it is a mix of the aloe juice and a ph neutral and hypo allergenic suspension medium... ill have to dig up the info for ordering it, but most herb shops and such have some brand or another available.
but the herbs i use are rosemary, chamomile, calendula and dandelion. basically you want them as fresh as possible, but any form will do. make a strong infusion of them (say a half pint of water and a cup or so of the herbs mixed) and then reduce it down to about a quarter cup. mix it in with the aloe once it is cool and you have a soothing gel that speeds healing, smells awesome and soaks in quickly with little or no residue.

you can make salves with beeswax or cocoa butter as the base, but you have to emulsify the mix very well or it separates quickly. even using essential oils instead of herbs i find that it takes more time and trouble than it is worth, plus essential oils can irritate freshly whipped skin.

i used to make a massage oil that had a grapeseed base with various essentials mixed in, and it soothed very well. (almond oil works well too.) it was much more messy than the aloe base and i dont do massage any more so i just dont make it. rosemary has always been a favorite of mine for these things because it is wicked good for the skin, so i always added that in small quantities, but the rest would vary depending on what i had available at the time i was mixing.

you can always add vitamin e to any of the above mixes and it does well (tocopherol). some people also swear by vervain for skin products, but i think it stinks myself lol.

i dont have a recipe per se, as in a set amount of any one thing, since with herbs it all depends on the freshness and quality as to how much it will take to have effect, but in general one half part rosemary to two parts chamomile, and one part of the rest tends to work well. i would recommend testing a small amount of the rosemary on the skin it is to be used on since some people get irritated by it instead of it soothing.

 

[BettyBallistic]

I would like to add to Southsamurai's wonderful information above that Arnica is supposed to do wonders for bruising.

While some of us love our marks, it can be difficult to explain to the guys on cam why your ass is black and blue for 2 weeks :lol:

 

[Rose]

I'm a bit like Nerdgasm when it comes to aftercare in that I don't generally need/like it.

I've had chronic pain for the last 13 ish years so I use my scenes to take out my emotions on that; because of that, I don't like to be touched or talked to at all when I'm coming down. A quick peck and then get the hell out of my space for however long it takes me to cool off and then I'm a happy camper. It's confusing and frustrating for me if there's another person mixing up my emotions when I'm trying to let out a decade of pent up aggression and anger. I always try to make this known before doing any scenes though because BJ generally needs a hug or some kind of physical touch after topping so he doesn't feel bad about himself and can actually enjoy it and I'd hate for my top to feel upset or bad about themselves. We usually arrange for me to have 5-10 minutes of pissy alone time and then I give him the aftercare he (or whoever is topping) needs.

I'd hate for anyone I topped to feel like they didn't get what they wanted/needed so discussing everything beforehand is mandatory.

 

[LadyLuna]

I would like to qualify my "cuddle and good girl" thing. Me laying with my head on top's lap with top's hand on my head counts as a cuddle. It's just some sort of physical contact for comfort, preferably a hand in a gentle way, with the closeness of bodies being an added bonus. But the less surface area touching going on, the longer the touch needs to be.

Of course, I don't do hardcore scenes. One of the reasons my partner and I are a little bad about making sure I get the aftercare is because I almost always come out of it very bubbly and excited... and it's hard to remember that even if I really enjoyed it, I need that cuddle.