Camming after loss of mother

[DGVNH]

My girlfriend has been a model for a few years. She lived with her mother, but her mother did not know her work. She had planned on quitting multiple times this year, unhappy with the way the work affected her mentally and the stress, but august 1 became the date, she had made enough money plus some extra to last until her new job starts, outside the industry. She always struggled with hiding it from her mother and wanted to tell her after she quit.

We had planned a vacation to Istanbul on august 16. We live in different countries and neither of us can enter the others still due to covid19. But we can both get there to see each other for a week.

A close friend of hers unfortunatly , a first daughter of sorts to her mother died of leukemia 2 weeks ago. Grief creeped for both and she focused on her mother, who has a pacemaker, to try to get her ok before we left.

2 days ago her mother didnt wake up. She never got to tell her the secrets she wanted to share. The funeral is Monday and the flights are tuesday

I assumed she would not be able to leave, so I asked politely if I should cancel the trip so she doesnt feel like I'm leaving her. She said she thought was best to cancel since she doesnt think she wants a holiday right now and my chance of getting to her country with an exemtion are low. I say I will cancel.

Then she says that she is thinking she will go to work to try forget things and get out of house on tuesday instead getting on a plane.

I explained to her I dont think that's a healthy way to cope, with all the anger and stress she goes though. Try volunteering, rescue animals ect instead... She says she wants to try once to see how she feels.

I say to her it feels like you are choosing work over holiday with me to cope, and obviously that hurts me, 2 days after her moms death. She of course says she is not choosing between work and me.
I let her know i will go alone if that's her choice and if she changes her mind, great.

My question...how many models would choose to work a cam over a vacation with a loved one or any other option while grieving the loss of their mother? 2 days after her death

 

[mika_kedi]

Wow, dude, I'm really impressed at how you managed to make it all about you.

 

[DGVNH]

Wow, dude, I'm really impressed at how you managed to make it all about you.

thnanks for the input, I mean it. There is more to this than I care to spend hours sharing. She said the same, and I didnt want to say what I said because I knew it would look that way. Its been 9 months since we have seen each other, and I wont have another chance the rest of this year. Coronavirus has strained our relationship much the last few months, but I have always been there for her. I have been there to listen when she wants to talk and I have tried my best to leave her be when she wants space. I know people grieving go through some crazy emotional swings, but for me I would rather be around people that care for me in that time. But everyone chooses different. I wanted to know if I am an asshole for sharing that with her or if others would feel hurt like me in the same situation. I just cant see myself choosing any work after a loss like that....not when I have other options.

 

[Rose]

I have a toxic relationship with my mother. The day she days I will cry once, then I will be poolside with my favorite book. I have worked through: miscarriages, medical abuse, trauma, family problems, deaths of both my grandmothers, the abuse from my brother to his child, being hospitalized in the maternity ICU, childbirth, wisdom tooth removal, two major surgeries......

Related, the fact that it seems like you feel she is doing this to you or about you or because of you seems clear to me that if she was choosing work over you, she would absolutely be choosing work over you. A good partner would have said, “here I am, I will help however I can” and then actually did that.... If work helps her cope with grief, then encourage her to work and support her while she does.

When the time is right and she is ready, not when you’ve nagged, coerced, belittled, bullied, shamed, negged, or guilt tripped, then you can discuss rescheduling your vacation. The same can be said for: sex, dating, friendships, physical touch, intimacy, etc- literally any relationship ever is best served without aforementioned selfish or otherwise abusive behaviors.

 

[SNATCH]

Dude. Not everyone grieves the same.

Please re-read that again.

Everyone grieves differently. Me? I don’t cry. People think I’m a fucking monster for that, but IDGAF.... As an example, my best friend died years ago, & I cried when I got the phone call... I cried a couple of times in private, but at the funeral, I literally couldn’t cry, & everyone got weird about it, so I eventually FORCED myself to cry, to appease everyone else, because they all thought it was soooo horrible & weird because I wasn’t crying - when literally everyone else was. It felt horrible tbh.

A lot of people tend to bury themselves in their work when they’re grieving, as it gives them a sense of normalcy, & it allows them to sort of keep their head above water, as far as handling the situation for themselves.

Some people want to be by themselves as well... I myself need to have some alone time allll to myself in these types of situations.... & after I can process better & have my own headspace, then I can feel like being around certain people.

My suggestion would be to not nag her about this, & don’t keep bringing it up. Let her know you care about her, & are there for her. Ask her what she needs from you right now, or what you can do to help, or ease any burdens.

Just because you, yourself can’t fathom choosing to work after something like this, doesn’t mean that she has to feel the same way.

 

[SNATCH]

EVERYTHING about this so, so, soooo much.

Also, I’m so sorry Rose. I have a very toxic relationship with a family member, & honestly, I’m just waiting to get the notification that they’ve died. I honestly don’t know if I will cry or not. I honestly think I will be happy & jump for joy more than anything, but I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

I have a toxic relationship with my mother. The day she days I will cry once, then I will be poolside with my favorite book. I have worked through: miscarriages, medical abuse, trauma, family problems, deaths of both my grandmothers, the abuse from my brother to his child, being hospitalized in the maternity ICU, childbirth, wisdom tooth removal, two major surgeries......

Related, the fact that it seems like you feel she is doing this to you or about you or because of you seems clear to me that if she was choosing work over you, she would absolutely be choosing work over you. A good partner would have said, “here I am, I will help however I can” and then actually did that.... If work helps her cope with grief, then encourage her to work and support her while she does.

When the time is right and she is ready, not when you’ve nagged, coerced, belittled, bullied, shamed, negged, or guilt tripped, then you can discuss rescheduling your vacation. The same can be said for: sex, dating, friendships, physical touch, intimacy, etc- literally any relationship ever is best served without aforementioned selfish or otherwise abusive behaviors.

 

[THE MOLLIE MARIE]

Sometimes it feels good to choose to go to work because it is a more controlled environment, when it seems like other things in life are out of our control. I could see the loss of a loved one eliciting the desire to control something in life. Work can be a great distraction when we are coping with hard things, especially this kind of work: We get to be someone else if we want to. Whereas her mind might be more likely to drift to less comfortable places if she is taking what's meant to be a leisurely holiday, putting her work persona on might be a way for her to keep herself from getting lost in the grief right now. If her dissatisfaction with the work was centered around the stress of keeping it a secret (which is very understandable!), I'm not sure that it's particularly unhealthy for her to go back to work now since that's no longer a concern for her.

I get feeling hurt by her decision, since you are perceiving it as her choosing work over you. And it can't be fun to cancel your plans to see each other. I am sure all of that doesn't feel very good, so I'm sorry you are experiencing that. But everyone grieves differently, and the ways we handle it may not make much sense to others or even to ourselves. It doesn't have to make sense. Let her tell you how you can best support her during this hard time.

 

[MarieElise]

My girlfriend has been a model for a few years. She lived with her mother, but her mother did not know her work. She had planned on quitting multiple times this year, unhappy with the way the work affected her mentally and the stress, but august 1 became the date, she had made enough money plus some extra to last until her new job starts, outside the industry. She always struggled with hiding it from her mother and wanted to tell her after she quit.

We had planned a vacation to Istanbul on august 16. We live in different countries and neither of us can enter the others still due to covid19. But we can both get there to see each other for a week.

A close friend of hers unfortunatly , a first daughter of sorts to her mother died of leukemia 2 weeks ago. Grief creeped for both and she focused on her mother, who has a pacemaker, to try to get her ok before we left.

2 days ago her mother didnt wake up. She never got to tell her the secrets she wanted to share. The funeral is Monday and the flights are tuesday

I assumed she would not be able to leave, so I asked politely if I should cancel the trip so she doesnt feel like I'm leaving her. She said she thought was best to cancel since she doesnt think she wants a holiday right now and my chance of getting to her country with an exemtion are low. I say I will cancel.

Then she says that she is thinking she will go to work to try forget things and get out of house on tuesday instead getting on a plane.

I explained to her I dont think that's a healthy way to cope, with all the anger and stress she goes though. Try volunteering, rescue animals ect instead... She says she wants to try once to see how she feels.

I say to her it feels like you are choosing work over holiday with me to cope, and obviously that hurts me, 2 days after her moms death. She of course says she is not choosing between work and me.
I let her know i will go alone if that's her choice and if she changes her mind, great.

My question...how many models would choose to work a cam over a vacation with a loved one or any other option while grieving the loss of their mother? 2 days after her death

I would definitely do that. Every time I am physically able and under high stress, or tense emotions, I use work as a coping skill. I would imagine your problem is the nature of her work. I wonder if she were a nurse, or something more "socially acceptable" if you would even feel the need to ask this. Some people cope by focusing on doing activities, and workaholism in itself, is a major coping skill for many individuals (myself included). It's a lot healthier than other behavioral addictions, chemical addictions, and destructive coping skills.

I have always strongly been of the opinion that it's noone's business how anyone else copes with grief (as long as they are not hurting anyone else in their efforts to cope and/or distract themselves). Grief can make people do very bizarre things, and throwing yourself into work is one of the less bizarre, and healthier ways of coping. It grates on me when people judge others going through the grief process. Supposedly you're her boyfriend, not her keeper. Sorry to be so blunt, but honest feedback.

 

[AudriTwo]

I just cant see myself choosing any work after a loss like that....not when I have other options.

That's perfectly fine if that isn't how you choose to grieve, but she isn't you.

I can relate to your girlfriend. When my grandfather died, I went to work the following morning up and worked until the funeral, took a day off for it, and was back on the workhorse the next day. My grandfather and I were very close and his death really hit me hard because it was sudden and was due to malpractice. Lots of sad and angry painful emotions. Work was how I was able to keep it together and not be too overwhelmed with grief. I still grieved but at my own pace while keeping my routine/work schedule. This was when I was still working at a vanilla job.

I'd probably still keep up with my cam schedule if/when another family member passes.

Sorry about your vacation not working out with your girlfriend, but her mother died. I think you are being a little selfish and not thinking how upside down her life is right now. Poor girl. You should really apologize for being critical of how she chooses to grieve. I say give it a week or two before you ask about when she would like to rebook your trip. but in the meantime give her compassion, empathy, and support. Im also sorry the strain this pandemic is putting on your relationship. I couldn't imagine not being able to see my partner for 9 months.

Turkey isn't going anywhere. It will still be there when she is ready to vacation. If she is needing to talk to some professional help and wants to speak with someone who is SW friendly, I recommend www.pineapplesupport.org/

 

[DGVNH]

I have a toxic relationship with my mother. The day she days I will cry once, then I will be poolside with my favorite book. I have worked through: miscarriages, medical abuse, trauma, family problems, deaths of both my grandmothers, the abuse from my brother to his child, being hospitalized in the maternity ICU, childbirth, wisdom tooth removal, two major surgeries......

Related, the fact that it seems like you feel she is doing this to you or about you or because of you seems clear to me that if she was choosing work over you, she would absolutely be choosing work over you. A good partner would have said, “here I am, I will help however I can” and then actually did that.... If work helps her cope with grief, then encourage her to work and support her while she does.

When the time is right and she is ready, not when you’ve nagged, coerced, belittled, bullied, shamed, negged, or guilt tripped, then you can discuss rescheduling your vacation. The same can be said for: sex, dating, friendships, physical touch, intimacy, etc- literally any relationship ever is best served without aforementioned selfish or otherwise abusive behaviors.

Yes, I have done and will continue doing all those things. I didnt state that before because I thought it wasnt necessary. I said many times "what can I do to help"....but she is space type. all I said is I dont agree and that it feels like you would rather cope with work than with me. I know my job they wouldnt let me come in after something like this. But I wouldn't be here if I didnt want your opinion...thanks.

 

[DGVNH]

Sometimes it feels good to choose to go to work because it is a more controlled environment, when it seems like other things in life are out of our control. I could see the loss of a loved one eliciting the desire to control something in life. Work can be a great distraction when we are coping with hard things, especially this kind of work: We get to be someone else if we want to. Whereas her mind might be more likely to drift to less comfortable places if she is taking what's meant to be a leisurely holiday, putting her work persona on might be a way for her to keep herself from getting lost in the grief right now. If her dissatisfaction with the work was centered around the stress of keeping it a secret (which is very understandable!), I'm not sure that it's particularly unhealthy for her to go back to work now since that's no longer a concern for her.

I get feeling hurt by her decision, since you are perceiving it as her choosing work over you. And it can't be fun to cancel your plans to see each other. I am sure all of that doesn't feel very good, so I'm sorry you are experiencing that. But everyone grieves differently, and the ways we handle it may not make much sense to others or even to ourselves. It doesn't have to make sense. Let her tell you how you can best support her during this hard time.

Thank you much...I agree with the escaping reality part. Thats what I thought when she told me. I tried to work when I lost some one and it was horrible, and I try to explain to her why its not going to help her in thelong run. Your post was very helpful

 

[DGVNH]

I would definitely do that. Every time I am physically able and under high stress, or tense emotions, I use work as a coping skill. I would imagine your problem is the nature of her work. I wonder if she were a nurse, or something more "socially acceptable" if you would even feel the need to ask this. Some people cope by focusing on doing activities, and workaholism in itself, is a major coping skill for many individuals (myself included). It's a lot healthier than other behavioral addictions, chemical addictions, and destructive coping skills.

I have always strongly been of the opinion that it's noone's business how anyone else copes with grief (as long as they are not hurting anyone else in their efforts to cope and/or distract themselves). Grief can make people do very bizarre things, and throwing yourself into work is one of the less bizarre, and healthier ways of coping. It grates on me when people judge others going through the grief process. Supposedly you're her boyfriend, not her keeper. Sorry to be so blunt, but honest feedback.

Thanks....not its not the nature of the work, it has to do more with how much she has told me she hates it over that last 5 months or so. The last 2 or so it has really affected our relationship because she has beeen really busy and hasnt had much time for to do things together. It felt to me that she would rather do something she hates than be around people who care when she said that at first.

I agree with ways of coping like you say, I think this job very hard....I have tried it to see what its like, but I have never had to do it to provide income. Its much different I think under those circumstances. But you bring up a good point, and yes she is a workaholic. thanks for your input.

 

[AnaBee]

I lost my farther in my first month of working on cam. My start on cam was bad, that huge loss did influence it, but I still love it.
It was place I felt the best, place I could pretend everything in my life is fine and get myself out of funk.

I remember my regular commenting later on when I told him about my loss, how what I was doing is unhealthy. I thought he’s ridiculous in saying that.

Life has to move on, I can’t allow myself to sink in sadness and self pity. My life needs structure and healthy habits for me to feel better about myself. Work is one of most important things that gives me that. If my partner was upset I chose to grieve in a way that’s better for me it would make everything harder. Maybe I’d have to part my ways with him.

 

[DGVNH]

That's perfectly fine if that isn't how you choose to grieve, but she isn't you.

I can relate to your girlfriend. When my grandfather died, I went to work the following morning up and worked until the funeral, took a day off for it, and was back on the workhorse the next day. My grandfather and I were very close and his death really hit me hard because it was sudden and was due to malpractice. Lots of sad and angry painful emotions. Work was how I was able to keep it together and not be too overwhelmed with grief. I still grieved but at my own pace while keeping my routine/work schedule. This was when I was still working at a vanilla job.

I'd probably still keep up with my cam schedule if/when another family member passes.

Sorry about your vacation not working out with your girlfriend, but her mother died. I think you are being a little selfish and not thinking how upside down her life is right now. Poor girl. You should really apologize for being critical of how she chooses to grieve. I say give it a week or two before you ask about when she would like to rebook your trip. but in the meantime give her compassion, empathy, and support. Im also sorry the strain this pandemic is putting on your relationship. I couldn't imagine not being able to see my partner for 9 months.

Turkey isn't going anywhere. It will still be there when she is ready to vacation. If she is needing to talk to some professional help and wants to speak with someone who is SW friendly, I recommend www.pineapplesupport.org/

Thank you very much....I felt the same, I just didnt know how to express my feelings without seeming selfish. I have apologized already and I have been giving all the compassion and empathy and support she will accept. But some people just want space like was said above, and I agree we all grieve how we need to. But some just want to be left alone during these times. I would want to get the fuck out of the place I am if it were me.... but for her it is different. Unfortunatly rescheduling is not an option as my work is very demanding as well and this is my last chance for leave for the year. I need to go this trip for me as well...just to escape the real life. Thats part of the importance for both of us. Thanks for your insight.

 

[DGVNH]

I lost my farther in my first month of working on cam. My start on cam was bad, that huge loss did influence it, but I still love it.
It was place I felt the best, place I could pretend everything in my life is fine and get myself out of funk.

I remember my regular commenting later on when I told him about my loss, how what I was doing is unhealthy. I thought he’s ridiculous in saying that.

Life has to move on, I can’t allow myself to sink in sadness and self pity. My life needs structure and healthy habits for me to feel better about myself. Work is one of most important things that gives me that. If my partner was upset I chose to grieve in a way that’s better for me it would make everything harder. Maybe I’d have to part my ways with him.

Thanks, I dont feel work is everything in life, I feel people are most important. I get routine and keeping busy though. Maybe I am bad for speaking my opinion feelings, but I have been there for every other hardship for her, and I have accepteted every other broken commitment from her as well. I can only assume people here will see her as a flawless saint and me as the needy controlling asshole though. I just dont know where else to ask this question though. And I dont feel like putting the whole relationship in text.

 

[DGVNH]

Thanks for your help all, I mean it...I felt like I was wrong to say what I felt, many people in my real life have said its ok, but others disagree. I just want opinions...please keeep them coming, it really helps....I need to talk about this.

 

[AnaBee]

I don’t think anyone in here said work is everything or more important than people. And this isn’t about her choosing work. It’s her way to deal with her pain.

 

[MarieElise]

Thanks....not its not the nature of the work, it has to do more with how much she has told me she hates it over that last 5 months or so. The last 2 or so it has really affected our relationship because she has beeen really busy and hasnt had much time for to do things together. It felt to me that she would rather do something she hates than be around people who care when she said that at first.

I agree with ways of coping like you say, I think this job very hard....I have tried it to see what its like, but I have never had to do it to provide income. Its much different I think under those circumstances. But you bring up a good point, and yes she is a workaholic. thanks for your input.

On the positive side, hurtful as it may be, at least a workaholic is less likely to suddenly need to depend on you/ leech off of you financially, or police your every move. I hear a lot of dudes complaining about past partners who were too controlling and/or nosey. At least a workaholic would be way less likely to get all up in your business, in a long term relationship.

I am glad to hear that it's more the turning to work, rather than the specific nature of the work, which is bothering you.

Some people (I'm one of them too), just deal with emotions and such, better by themselves, and will return to socialness once they feel like they have processed things within themselves. It is totally normal to find this hurtful if you are not one of these types of people (I say that based upon many people over my life, expressing that they find my ways of coping very hurtful). Because I can see how apparently it could feel like a rejection. Better work than hard drugs, alcohol, another dude/ chick/ or non-binary individual, or perhaps, even, sailing the solitary deep seas though.

 

[THE MOLLIE MARIE]

Thank you much...I agree with the escaping reality part. Thats what I thought when she told me. I tried to work when I lost some one and it was horrible, and I try to explain to her why its not going to help her in thelong run. Your post was very helpful

As someone who personally likes to toss myself into working really hard sometimes when I am dealing with irl stuff that is stressful, I can really relate to her desire to do so. I am glad that you are more open to other points of view being presented, at least it seems that way.

I can only assume people here will see her as a flawless saint and me as the needy controlling asshole though.

No really, you would be the needy controlling asshole if you took what you've read here and then still tried to guilt her over cancelling. As of now, you seem reasonably hurt, but I think you are also trying to see it from the other side, and that's a good thing.

 

[DGVNH]

I don’t think anyone in here said work is everything or more important than people. And this isn’t about her choosing work. It’s her way to deal with her pain.

your right, and that is my question....thanks

 

[DGVNH]

On the positive side, hurtful as it may be, at least a workaholic is less likely to suddenly need to depend on you/ leech off of you financially, or police your every move. I hear a lot of dudes complaining about past partners who were too controlling and/or nosey. At least a workaholic would be way less likely to get all up in your business, in a long term relationship.

I am glad to hear that it's more the turning to work, rather than the specific nature of the work, which is bothering you.

Some people (I'm one of them too), just deal with emotions and such, better by themselves, and will return to socialness once they feel like they have processed things within themselves. It is totally normal to find this hurtful if you are not one of these types of people (I say that based upon many people over my life, expressing that they find my ways of coping very hurtful). Because I can see how apparently it could feel like a rejection. Better work than hard drugs, alcohol, another dude/ chick/ or non-binary individual, or perhaps, even, sailing the solitary deep seas though.

Thanks, and this seems the case. I just wondered if for some reason an escape was what she needed and why she wouldnt pick an escape with me was what hurt me I guess. Its part selfish but part normal I guess. She is feeling better now and we have talked Grief is a bitch

 

[DGVNH]

As someone who personally likes to toss myself into working really hard sometimes when I am dealing with irl stuff that is stressful, I can really relate to her desire to do so. I am glad that you are more open to other points of view being presented, at least it seems that way.

No really, you would be the needy controlling asshole if you took what you've read here and then still tried to guilt her over cancelling. As of now, you seem reasonably hurt, but I think you are also trying to see it from the other side, and that's a good thing.

I am, I wounldnt be here if I wasnt. I want opinions. thanks for yours. I was hurt...and Im feeling better now. I just dont want to be the asshole. I get different opinions here that what I get from friends and family...but I still felft wrong and right for different reasons. I just wanted to know if others have continues to work during things like this, because I think this job is really hard and I know I wouldnt want to do mine in the same circumstances. But like we all say, everyone grieves differently

 

[AudriTwo]

Thank you very much....I felt the same, I just didnt know how to express my feelings without seeming selfish. I have apologized already and I have been giving all the compassion and empathy and support she will accept. But some people just want space like was said above, and I agree we all grieve how we need to. But some just want to be left alone during these times. I would want to get the fuck out of the place I am if it were me.... but for her it is different. Unfortunatly rescheduling is not an option as my work is very demanding as well and this is my last chance for leave for the year. I need to go this trip for me as well...just to escape the real life. Thats part of the importance for both of us. Thanks for your insight.

I say still take your vacation time. Maybe go somewhere local, or take a little trip. How about camping or a road trip? I know you wanted to use that time to spend with your girlfriend, but still use that time for yourself. Totally understand needing to take time for yourself and needing to get away. This year has been nuts.

Wish you the best and hope you are able to see your girlfriend soon! Good luck!

 

[Lelo1]

There is no bereavement pay for cam models. If your living month to month, taking a break may not be an option. A death could change their living and financial situation. Not to mention dealing with family, the unexpected cost of a funeral, extended family, sorting out finances, closing out accounts, settling bills, dealing with wills, cleaning out a house, possibly moving, liquidating or transferring assets.

 

[DoD404]

When the time is right and she is ready, not when you’ve nagged, coerced, belittled, bullied, shamed, negged, or guilt tripped, then you can discuss rescheduling your vacation. The same can be said for: sex, dating, friendships, physical touch, intimacy, etc- literally any relationship ever is best served without aforementioned selfish or otherwise abusive behaviors.

yes. Also having holidays just after losing a parent can be considered as being very strange. Let her the full choice to deal with this.