Jokes - post em' if ya got em'

[ga5457]

Richmond Job listing - Gynecologist's Assistant

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Richmond and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination

The annual salary is $165,000, but you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."

"Good grief . . . Is that where the job is?"

"No sir... that's where the end of the line is right now".b

 

[jeff98902]

When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.!

 

[ga5457]

Two businessmen in a new shopping mall were sitting in their shop taking a break. As yet the shop wasn't ready, with only a few bare shelves set up.



One said to the other, "I bet any minute some old pensioner will stick their face in the door and ask us what we're selling."



No sooner were the words said when a curious old woman walked to the doorway, took a peek in, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"



One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes." The other man snorted a laugh.



Without missing a beat, the old dear said, "Must being doing well. Only two left."



LESSON HERE: DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!

 

[jeff98902]

Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."

"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"

God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."

Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."

God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."

Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?!

 

[ga5457]

Subject: Marine Pilot

>

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.



She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

"Don't F*** with Mommy when she's been drinking."

I love these touching stories!
It brings a tear to your eye....................

 

[Bocefish]

Marie, a nice, calm and respectable Cajun lady went into the Towne pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist whose name is Boudreaux, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like ta buy some cyanide."

Then Boudreaux asked, "Mais, Why in de world do ya need cyanide?"

Marie replied, "Ah need it to poison my husband."

Boudreaux eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! A...h can't give you cyanide to kill you husband, dat's against de law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw bote of us in jail! All kinds of bad tings will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

Marie reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband Thibodeaux in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

Boudreaux looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tolt me you had a prescription."

 

[jeff98902]

:-D

A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband.
The next day she goes to Wal-mart and her phone rings, so she answers it.
It was her husband. He says, "How's the new cell phone?"
She replied, "Great...but how did you know I was at Wal-mart?"

 

[ga5457]

Yesterday my daughter in-law e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing??

Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are about 89 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me,"Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that she had fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

 

[Poker_Babe]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a hooker at a table, so he walks over to her and says, "How much is it for a hand job?"

She says $50 so he said, "Well that's a lot of money but okay how much have you made off of hand jobs?" She said, "You see all those cars out there? I bought all those with the money I've made from hand jobs." So they go out to his truck and she gives him the best hand job of his life.

Then he decides he wants a blow job and asked her how much it was and she said $100. So he asks her, "How much have you made off of blow jobs"? She said, "You see this bar? I bought it with all of the money I've made from blow jobs."

So he said ok ok and she gave him the best blow job of his life. Then he decided to get daring and asks how much it was for pussy and she said, "You see all those skyscrapers over there? That's what I would own if I had a pussy."

 

[jeff98902]

Two atoms are walking down the street together. The first atom turns and says, "Hey, you just stole an electron from me!"

"Are you sure?" asks the second atom.

To which the first atom replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!"


Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.

"Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."

"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."

 

[ga5457]

Woman:
Do you drink beer?


Man:
Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man:
$5.00 which includes a tip


(This is where it gets scary !)


Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.


In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a new Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

 

[jeff98902]

The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position.

On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances," he explains. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man is horrified, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!"

"Well," says the proctor, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

The CIA proctor leads the second male candidate to another large steel door and hands him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances," the proctor explains. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man steadies himself, takes the gun and enters the room. After three quiet minutes, the man exits the room with tears in his eyes. "I wanted to do it -- I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

Finally, the CIA proctor leads the female candidate to yet another large steel door and hands her a gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman takes the gun, enters the room, and before the door even closes completely behind her, she's fired off six shots. Then all hell breaks loose behind the door -- cursing, screaming, crashing. Suddenly, all goes quiet.

The door opens slowly, the woman exits, and wiping the sweat from her brow, she says, "Did you guys know the gun was loaded with blanks? I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

 

[Misono]

The female recruitment adviser said she had three openings for me.

"Well, that's two more than my girlfriend", I said as I began to undress.

 

[tomboytoy]

How many ska kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to drop it and thirty to yell "pick it up, pick it up, pick it up!"

There's a house with hippies living on one floor and skinheads on the other. One day the house burns down. Who survives?
The skins, they're all at work.

How many deadheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they just let it burn out and then follow it around for twenty years.

How many squatters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
WE HAVE ELECTRICITY??!??!!!

A straight-edge kid and a crust punk get into a knife fight. Who's losing?
The cop.

How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Five. Four to beat the shit out of it and one to yell "stop resisting! Stop resisting!"

How many stoners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Dude I dunno but my buddy smokes that shit.

How many street kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
THERE'S CHANGE IN A LIGHTBULB??!?

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Doesn't matter, it's all in god's hands.

How many oogles does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Fuck it, we'll drink in the dark!

How many acid heads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Doesn't matter, all they can see is fractals anyway.

 

[jeff98902]

Q: Why is it a good idea to tattoo an image of a $100 bill on your penis?
A: Have you ever known a women that wouldn't like to blow a hundred dollars?


Some things you will never hear Men say.

Honey, Let's see whats on the life-time channel.

Sex is overrated.

I don't want to go too far on the first date.

Yes, your best friend is prettier than you.

Don't we owe your mother a visit?

I'm relieved I don't have a large penis weighing me down.

This dessert goes right to my hips.

I hate when I miss Oprah.

Does this suit make me look fat?

 

[Misono]

The lady who invented the double entendre has died. No details about the funeral as yet, but it's thought she fancied a big one

 

[Red7227]

 

[jeff98902]

Bill Gates goes to Hell.

St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".

First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.

Bill chooses Hell.

About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.

Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"

St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."

 

[ga5457]

A little boy has diarrhea and tells his Mom he needs to take Viagra.

His Mom asks "Why in the world do you need that?"

The little boy replies " Isn't that what you give Dad when HIS shit won't get hard?"

 

[rexcode]

Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said, "Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself!"
"Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."
"How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly have been worse?"
"Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be dead right now."

 

[jeff98902]

Little Red Riding Hood with a gun.


Little Red Riding Hood was packing her things. Her mother asked, "Where are you going, Lil' Red?"
Red said, "To grandma's."
Her mother said, "Okay, but watch out for the Big Bad Wolf. He'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off."
Lil' Red replied, "Don't worry, I've got a gun."
So about a mile down the road, Lil' Red met the Three Little Pigs. They asked where she was going and she said, "Grandma's house."
The Pigs warned, "Watch out for the Big Bad Wolf. He'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off!"
She told them, "Don't worry, I've got a gun."
About two more miles down the road, the Big Bad Wolf leaps out of the forest and grabbed Lil' Red. He shouted "Ha! I finally caught you!"
And she cried, "Don't tell me you're gonna pull up my little red dress, pull down my little red panties and fuck my little red socks off."
"Yes I am," said the Wolf, drooling.
"No, you ain't," said Little Red.
"What do you mean," said the Wolf, taken aback.
Lil' Red pulled up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, pulled out her big 357 caliber revolver and said, "Nope, you're gonna eat me like it says in the book."

 

[WildFingers]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido, here's what followed.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said.. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor,' Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' Jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

 

[jeff98902]

Grandma & Grandpa Having Sex


Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

 

[Bocefish]

Ralph and Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.


Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.


When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.



The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'





Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'





Happy Belated Mental Health Day!

 

[jeff98902]

Here are a few dumb jokes I find funny.

What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked into his office?

I can clearly see you're nuts!


What did the grape say after the elephant sat on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little whine!


Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

BECAUSE IT'S POINTLESS!


Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

IT WAS IN TENTS!

 

[ILikeUonTop]

A church's bell ringer passed away. So the church looked for someone to replace him. A man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the bell tower and the man stood there, looked at the bell, then ran towards it and hit it with his head. It produced the most beautiful melody as he struck it. The clergy couldn't believe it and gave him the job.

The next day the man climbed the bell tower to ring the bell. This time, he ran towards the bell and tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry to his death in the street below.

As a crowd gathered around the man laying lifeless on the sidewalk, someone asks, "Does anyone know him?"

To which a man in standing near by says "I can't think of his name, but his face rings a bell."

 

[jeff98902]

A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?
" The bartender says, "for you? no charge."


Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because he felt crummy!

What does a vegan zombie eat?
Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!

 

[Red7227]

 

[Misono]

"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," my boss told me.

"Well, it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him.

"Really?" he asked.

"No," I replied.

 

[WildFingers]

Sister Mary entered the Monastery of Silence

The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here
as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.

Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to
her, 'Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Mary said, Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary was summoned by the Priest.

'You may say another two words, Sister Mary.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary, and the Priest assured her that the food
would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister
Mary in to his office.

'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary.

'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch since
you got here.'