Jokes - post em' if ya got em'

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WildFingers

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Stosh Zelkovitski worked in a Californian pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful personal desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He would spend his days lost in his thoughts about doing the act, often neglecting his other workday duties. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory's psychologist.

After six months of intense therapy sessions, the therapist simply gave up. He advised Stosh to just go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The very next day he came home from work very early in the day. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know just exactly what had happened.

Stosh, tearfully, confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that, that very day he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Stosh replied, "I think she got fired, too."
 

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What's the difference between people that pray in church, and people who pray in casinos???

...people that pray in casinos are serious!

 

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THE PSYCHIC


In California, in a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
 

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I've got a ton of them... but they're all really old. I shall have to dig them up and see if there's anything worth posting.

I really like puns, and here's one I've always been able to remember:

A professor was teaching his class about languages. He explained that in many cultures, a double negative turns the sentence into a positive. He then went on to say that there is no language in which a double positive becomes a negative.

A voice in the back of the room piped up "Yeah, right."
 

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A little boy and his grandpa take the fishing boat out to spend the day together.
After a while, the grandpa pulls out a pack of cigarettes, lights one up, and starts to smoke.
The little boy (wanting to feel all grown up like grandpa) asks, "can I have a puff too?"
Grandpa asks him, "Well, can the tip of your dick, touch the tail of your ass?"
Little boy replies "No."
Grandpa says, "Well there is your answer."
A little while later, grandpa cracks open a can of beer and takes a drink.
Little boy asks, "can I have a sip too?"
Grandpa asks him again, "Can the tip of your dick, touch the tail of your ass?"
Little boy replies "No."
Grandpa says, "Well there is your answer."
After a little while longer, grandpa pulls out a couple of scratcher lotto tickets he bought at the store when he was getting his cigarettes and beer before they got to the lake.
Grandpa hands one to little boy to scratch and keeps one for his self.
Grandpa's ticket doesn't win anything.
But much to their amazement, little boy's ticket wins the $100,000 prize.
Grandpa's eyes get all wide, then he say's to little boy, "Can I have that?"
Little boy asks him, "Well, can the tip of your dick, touch the tail of your ass?"
Grandpa (thinking he's going to out smart little boy) replies, "Well YES! Yes it can!"
Little boy says, "Well go fuck yourself."
 

Keithy

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Camping Trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

Hunting Trip
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Bus Ride
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
 

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So this guy walks into a whore house to get himself a good f**k. On the inside he remembers that he's a bit short on cash so he says to the mistress: "Listen, I only have five dollars, can you help me out?"
The lady says: "Sure, go up the stairs and go in the door on the right." The guy goes up the stairs and in through the door. He sees a chicken sitting on a table. He is a little disappointed but he figures: "Oh well you get what you pay for!", and he screws that chicken to near death, there are feathers flying everywhere.
So the next day the guy decides to go back to the whorehouse. He says to the madam: "Listen lady, I've only got two bucks today. Can you do anything at all for me?"
"Sure!" says the madam. "Go up the stairs and in the door on the left this time". The guy goes in through the door on the left and finds a bunch of guys staring through a two-way mirror at two beautiful lesbians having sex.
"This is fantastic. Only two bucks for this!!" the guy says to one of the other men.
The other man says "Yes, but you should have been here yesterday, there was guy in there fucking a chicken!"
 
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An old classic:
One day this little kid was at home and his mom and dad were fighting his mom called his dad a bastard and his dad called her a bitch and then the little kid asked "What are bitches and bastards"? The parents said "Oh bitches and bastards are house guests" and later on while the kids sister was having sex with her boyfriend her boyfriend said "lemme grab your boobs" and the little boys sister said "lemme grab your dick" and then the little boy rudely interrupted and asked "what are dicks and boobs" and his sister said they are coats and jackets" then the little kid was watching his dad shave and his dad accidentally cut himself and yelled "Shit" and the little kid asked "what is shit"? and the dad said "it is shaving cream". The little kid went into the kitchen and his mom was stuffing a turkey she yelled "fuck" and he asked her what fuck meant and she said "Stuffing it means stuffing" then the doorbell rang the little kid answered it and the little kid said "Hello bitches and bastards hang your boobs and dicks on this rack if you want to talk to my dad hes upstairs shaving the shit off his face and mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey".
I actually got grounded for telling this joke when I was younger.^^^^

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl!"

"No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."
A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'

Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands .'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
I copied and pasted these from a joke site that I visit sometimes..

http://www.lotsofjokes.com/dirty_jokes.asp

There are tons of jokes.. Maybe you can find some inspiration there.
 

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Yo' Mama is like a race car: she burns through four rubbers a night.
 

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Yo mama so poor, when she was a little kid, she sang the alphabet song like this...
AFDC... :dance:
 
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southsamurai said:
maybe so, maybe so, but yo mama so hairy gorillas wont bang her


Yo mama's so stupid, she took a cup to see the movie Juice...
Yo mama's so fat, she had to baptized at Water World...
Yo mama's so black, she went to night school and got marked absent...
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter...
Yo mama's so poor, I saw her kicking a can down the street. I said, "what you doing?" She said, "Moving!"
 
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WildFingers

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HOLY PROSTITUTES

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye...
It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you! my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY
THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
 
Mar 30, 2011
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Mr. Smith's wife has been in a coma for four months. The nurses have come to realise that she moves every time they wash her crotch area. The doctors think hard about this. They bring in Mr. Smith and say that they have a good idea. Perhaps if he practices oral sex with her she will wake out of the coma. Mr. Smith would do anything so he asks for some privacy. He soon rushes out saying, ''I think she's choking!"
 
MIKE TYSON AND METALLICA

What do Mike Tyson and a Metallica concert have in common?

At a Metallica concert you get ringing in the ears, and at a Mike Tyson fight, you get ears in the ring!

:mrgreen:
 
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WildFingers

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is raised when she hears one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' shouted the lady. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''
 
Oct 15, 2011
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If you don't like Steven Wright, skip.

If you don't like absurd stream of conciousness, skip.

If you're not sure about either, you may want to skip.

This is going to be long, but damned funny (in my opinion).

"I noticed I had no milk for tomorrow's coffee, so I looked at the car keys which had been strategically placed under the short leg of the kitchen table so that the soup wouldn't spill and I had to make a decision, do I walk to the store or do I drive and spill the soup?

After half an hour on my hands and knees, I delicately removed the car keys from under the table and the soup didn't spill which pissed me off so much that I whipped it against the wall.

Then I tried to wash it off with my machine gun squirt gun which was full of another kind of soup but I kinda liked the pattern that I made so I took photographs of it intending to do paintings of the photographs which I would sell back to myself later since I am a private collector.

Then I get outside and get in my car and I'm driving out to the store and my mind is skipping around and I'm wondering how my life would have been different had I been born one day earlier. And then I'm thinking it maybe wouldn't have been different other than I would have asked that question yesterday.

So I go in the store and no one's behind the register and I'm thinking I should go behind the register so when people come in they can ask me questions and I can say "what do I look like I work here?"

Then I went to the back of the store where they keep the milk and out of the corner of my eye I saw this 17 year old girl come out of the back room and go behind the register and I'm wondering "what was she doing in the back room?" and then I tried to distract myself from my own imagiantion. I looked at a can of peas and I started counting the peas on the label......44, 45, 46 and I'm wondering if they had a meeting on how many peas should be on the label of the can "47's too many, 45's not enough. All in favor of 46? Ok it's 46."

Then I took the milk and I went up to the register and I said "Hi. How are your?" and she said "Will that be all?" and I said "No, I wanna buy this."

Then I tried to read her mind but I couldn't because I can barely read my own mind.

Then I was imagining me and her running naked across Fenway Park holding hands and the crowd cheering "Go, go, goooo".

Then I said to her, "Do you like baseball?" And she said "What?". And I said "Do you sell lighter fluid by the case?"

And she got all nervous, so then I left.

Then I'm driving around and I'm thinking, "OK, I'm still alive. Now what am I gonna do?"

So I figured I'd go down and rent a movie. So I go down to the video store and I can't remember the title of the movie I want so I'm describing the movie to the guy. I say "Yeah, it's that black and white movie. It's on color film. I think it stars Nicolas Cage and Hayley Mills. It's that movie where that country loses the war because they accidentally made the subarmines out of styrofoam and they won't go under the water."

The guy's just blankly looking at me. As I'm saying this to him I'm realizing this is not a movie I saw, this is a dream I had. I'm thinking "My god, I'm trying to rent one of my own dreams."

Which would be pretty cool, actually.

Then the guy says to me, "That's not a movie you saw, that's a dream you had." And I said "How do you know?" And he said "'Cause you were in here last week trying to rent the same thing."

And I said "Alright, let me know when you get it in."
 
Mar 30, 2011
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans……

...walk into a very fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group..........


"You can't come in here without a Thai. "
 

WildFingers

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There's a senior citizen driving on US101 (an Los Angele's highway).

His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on US101!''

Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''
 

WildFingers

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Two Californian computer programmers aka. "Code Monkeys" were driving down the road when they needed some gas. After a while, they saw a sign that read "Free Sex with Fill-up." They decided to pull in and asked the attendant for a full tank. After he was done, they paid and the attendant started to walk away.

"Wait," the driver yelled, "what about my free sex?"

The attendant rolled his eyes and came back to the car. "Okay, but you will have to guess a number between 1 and 10."

"6."

"No, the answer was 3. Sorry." As the attendant started to walk off, the passenger asked to guess. The attendant agreed.

"7."

"No, I told you the answer was 3." The driver then sped off.

"I think that game was rigged," said the passenger. "There is no way to win.'

"Uh-uh," the driver said. "My wife won three times last week."
 
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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
 
Mar 30, 2011
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Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
 

WildFingers

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Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun
:lol:
 
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