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Loyalty Test - Would you do this to a partner?

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Nov 12, 2017
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A couple of days ago I watched a fascinating little documentary about something that is popular called "#LoyaltyTest".
(This documentary may be old now, I don't know, I am not always up to time with trends on TikTok etc)

Basically, anyone who suspects their partner may cheat on them, they pay someone on TikTok/Instagram to catfish the guy by sending him a message, adding him as a friend, etc and talking and seeing if he will cheat on his partner.
Now, by "hire" some of these women who will do it charge actual money and some just do it to get hits on their social media videos..

It spoke to different women about it and the one thing that was most interesting for me is the fact that every woman they talked to about this ALL said "Even if the guy replies to a message saying "Hi" or "Hi, I have a girlfriend", then they already see that as cheating and would end the relationship.
Personally, I wouldn't be bothered by this kind of comment/reply if it was my girlfriend or wife so I can't understand why this is classed as cheating.


One of the women who actually do this to expose the cheating guys showed how she did it and explained. It was super simple and nothing special.
They just find out what the guy likes, what interests he has etc and then add them and/or message them about it. This one specific one had a guy who was interested a lot in the gym and also loves cars so this TikToker messaged him saying that she likes his car in his photos and she is also big into cars.

Now, if someone randomly messaged me out of the blue with something like that, I would be suspicious but I would naturally say "Hi, thank you" or something, and then leave it as that and see what else the person wanted to try to say. I am just a naturally polite person and hate to be rude. And with a scenario like this, if it happened to my partner who then responded, I really wouldn't mind or think that was cheating.



All in all, I am curious what all of you think about this "Loyalty Test". Is it something you would do? Have you had to? Has it been done to you? At what point do you say your partner has failed the test? Would he responding back with "hi" or something else innocent be cheating in your mind? If it's on something like Instagram and he follows the woman back and likes some of her photos, would that be the point of him failing the test?



I am extremely curious about this, from both sides - men and women.
 
I feel like if you’re at the point where you don’t trust them to pass a loyalty test then you’re fucked anyway.

I’ve thought about it when a relation ship was going badly. But I don’t think it’s a healthy thing to do, maybe only to provide confirmation of something you already know in your gut

As far as responses - that entirely depends on the couple. That sounds restrictive to me, but I define cheating as breaking trust. You set the boundaries in the relationship and then you don’t break them.. for some that could be flirting, for others that could be sex, and others it might be unprotected sec, or sex without telling the person first
 
I feel like some guys are gonna think stuff like that is their buds, fucking with them so I don’t think saying hi back, would count as cheating in my book. Either would talking for a bit tbh

It has to pretty blatant and specific for me to consider it cheating. Such as things like; “ hey wanna meet up in the Walmart parking lot at 8pm on Sunday the 14th to suck my dick? (That would be the south side Walmart, behind the church I’m meaning btw). I’ll be the Dad bod in the red corvette, holding the red rose in my teeth.” Like that’s the level of specificity I’d need, to call it cheating.

Like just “hi” and stuff like that could be so many innocent things. People are allowed to have friends and be social w folks of the opposite sex, when in relationships.

I can’t say never in my life would I have done, or considered something like that though. I used to get more hormonal and sexually jealous/ insecure way in my past. The only time I’d do something like that now, would be for getting proof for divorce and alimony reasons, in a relationship that was already priorly over (but heading toward a nasty court battle).
 
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I feel like if you’re at the point where you don’t trust them to pass a loyalty test then you’re fucked anyway.

Totally agree.

If I felt so strongly that my partner would cheat that I’d resort to a loyalty test, then I should just end the relationship. Because either she’s super sketchy or I’m super jealous (or both), and neither situation bodes well for us.

And I wouldn’t do the loyalty test out of random curiosity either, or for entertainment / social media / whatever. If you pretty much trust your partner already, that kind of game is a fantastic way to ruin a good thing.

For the sake of argument though, I wouldn’t consider it cheating if she responded with a hello or harmless conversation. Cheating is very subjective based on the type of established boundaries your relationship has. But for me personally, there would have to be pretty clear sexual or romantic overtures for me to consider it an attempt to cheat.
 
You see, I am with the rest of you about if it's at this point there is already too much distrust and it's not healthy.
It's like when people are wanting to snoop through each others phones, social media accounts, etc (needing to know the logins to them all). If you're already at a point where you are wanting to do all of this, you need to end the relationship.



The show did also show the breakdown of relationships because of the test, where someone was given the test, they passed it, and then their partner told them they hired someone to test them. It ended relationships because that person could no longer trust their partner.

Also people were trying to use the excuse that because they have kid/s, they need to know if the partner is trustworthy and they won't be wasting not only their own time, but the kid/s won't get too attached too. Which I can understand, but I still think baiting each other to try and cheat is always going to end badly regardless if you pass or fail (depending on how much you actually do to "fail").
I sure would not trust my partner if they told me they did this to me.
 
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I once installed a keylogger on my laptop to catch a cheater but I've never enlisted someone else to out them. That's childish.
 
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I wouldn't be happy if someone did that to me. It wouldn't be a game ended though, but I would want to take their ass to relationship therapy. Because obviously there's a big gap in honest communication going on.

The thing I would like to point out is that jealousy (with me) has never been a permanent state. With me it's related to hormones and is 100% transient. I'm not sure if anyone else is like this? I'd love to know if so. But I don't ever get truly jealous. I experience phases of sexual jealousy, but they are predictably 100% tied to certain phases of my hormonal cycle, and as I aged I learned this. I saw it was a pattern, tracked it, and knew it was nothing to do with partners or their behavior. So some parts of this convo I'm having a hard time following. But I know different people are different. Am I the only one like this?

I'm having a hard time putting into words what I'm trying to say here, so hopefully that made sense. Like it's not jealous period (full stop) or not jealous period (full stop), with me. It's actually merely just a fleeting physiological experience. But I know my brain is wired kinda differently, so I'm curious if anyone else is like that here (and feels comfy sharing that). I'm talking specifically about sexual and romantic jealousy there btw. I do feel other types of jealousy more the way you guys describe, but fairly infrequently (as an adult). Also; sorry to take this thread on a deeper dive into biology, can't help myself, interests me a lot.

ETA; Men have hormonal cycles too btw, they're just different timing and hormone levels etc
 
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The thing I would like to point out is that jealousy (with me) has never been a permanent state. With me it's related to hormones and is 100% transient. I'm not sure if anyone else is like this? I'd love to know if so.

I don’t know if it’s necessarily hormones in my case, but yeah, I have moments where I’m a lot more emotional and reactionary than normal. A lot of the time it’s when I’m stressed out from work or other pressures. It can make me feel jealousy in situations where I normally wouldn’t. But as I matured I learned to both see it coming, and rein it in before it got too ridiculous. Also, it passes. It’s never permanent.
 
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A couple of days ago I watched a fascinating little documentary about something that is popular called "#LoyaltyTest".
(This documentary may be old now, I don't know, I am not always up to time with trends on TikTok etc)

Basically, anyone who suspects their partner may cheat on them, they pay someone on TikTok/Instagram to catfish the guy by sending him a message, adding him as a friend, etc and talking and seeing if he will cheat on his partner.
Now, by "hire" some of these women who will do it charge actual money and some just do it to get hits on their social media videos..

It spoke to different women about it and the one thing that was most interesting for me is the fact that every woman they talked to about this ALL said "Even if the guy replies to a message saying "Hi" or "Hi, I have a girlfriend", then they already see that as cheating and would end the relationship.
Personally, I wouldn't be bothered by this kind of comment/reply if it was my girlfriend or wife so I can't understand why this is classed as cheating.


One of the women who actually do this to expose the cheating guys showed how she did it and explained. It was super simple and nothing special.
They just find out what the guy likes, what interests he has etc and then add them and/or message them about it. This one specific one had a guy who was interested a lot in the gym and also loves cars so this TikToker messaged him saying that she likes his car in his photos and she is also big into cars.

Now, if someone randomly messaged me out of the blue with something like that, I would be suspicious but I would naturally say "Hi, thank you" or something, and then leave it as that and see what else the person wanted to try to say. I am just a naturally polite person and hate to be rude. And with a scenario like this, if it happened to my partner who then responded, I really wouldn't mind or think that was cheating.



All in all, I am curious what all of you think about this "Loyalty Test". Is it something you would do? Have you had to? Has it been done to you? At what point do you say your partner has failed the test? Would he responding back with "hi" or something else innocent be cheating in your mind? If it's on something like Instagram and he follows the woman back and likes some of her photos, would that be the point of him failing the test?



I am extremely curious about this, from both sides - men and women.

This kind of sounds like something that Whoopi Goldberg had recently mentioned on The View. Unless she was referring to something else. She said it’s some show where the person has to try to figure out if their partner’s affair is REAL or STAGED. Yikes…..

I also think it’s messy when a woman suspects her guy is cheating, and then one of her so-called friends volunteers to test him. I see women in some of these Facebook mom groups talking like that (“Girl, I’m on it! Give me the info, and I’ll hit him up, and then I’ll let you know what happens!” 👀). Uh…no, don’t do that. I can see that backfiring real quick, and getting messy. And then now your feelings are hurt…now you’re pissed at two people instead of suspicious of one…and now the two of them mf’ers have got a baby on the way. 👀:facepalm:😂

Leave that shit alone. If your partner has got you that concerned and suspicious, try to have a mature conversation about it (couples therapy even, in some cases?), or just leave…because that relationship is doomed if there’s no trust. Don’t be recruiting “friends” to attempt to seduce them into cheating…..
 
I know a guy who's girlfriend did this to him, though in her case she didn't hire anyone and tried to do it herself by creating fake accounts and messaging him to bait him into "cheating." He never failed the test, and then it turned out she had been having an affair for two years and walked out on him and their three kids leaving them all alone.

It's the sign of an unhealthy mind or an unhealthy relationship or both to do this kind of thing. I would never do it, and if it were done to me it would be the end of the relationship. If you don't have trust you don't have anything at all.
 
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:bag: *Are the monogamous ok?*

As others have said, if you don't trust them...something is wrong, and it means looking hard at both parties and the dynamic overall.

One of the great things about ENM is realising that each time they choose you it's for you and not out of fear of being alone.
Another great thing is learning how to REALLY trust someone.
 
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