Jokes - post em' if ya got em'

[WildFingers]

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.
One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."
His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and
I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about 60 years old, sitting a couple of stools
down had also over-heard the conversation. He looked
over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit!!!!"

 

[Bocefish]

Two Blondes With Hammers

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work
on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lynn was nailing down house siding,
would reach into her nail
pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it
over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,
'Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of them have the head on the wrong end
& I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled,
'You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'

 

[Kokoro]

Heard this one a while ago from my step dad.

Two nuns from rural Ireland are visiting New York for the first time.
They go to a hot dog stand and order some hot dogs. They've never had them before.
One of the nuns looks down at her hot dog. She then turns to the other nun and whispers, "Which part did you get?"

 

[jeff98902]

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"

"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"

After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

 

[Red7227]

It took the US 10 years, trillions of dollars, thousands of soldiers lives, state of the art technology, to finally find Bin Laden.

In his house.

 

[Red7227]

The guy who invented the mohawk was originally just trying to get his sideburns the same length.

 

[Red7227]

How do you make a Pirate angry?

Remove the P.

 

[Red7227]

 

[Misono]

I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said;

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard!

 

[Pepp]

Mark runs an office and has to get rid of either Jack or Sarah.

Both are similar ages, equally skilled and earn the same money. He has no idea how to decide, so leaves it to fate. Whichever one uses the water cooler first in the morning gets sacked.

Mark is in early and hangs about in the office, Sarah and Jack arrive at same time. Jack goes to his desk and begins working. Sarah sits down but looks terribly hungover and soon gets up and heads for a drink of water.

Mark approaches her.

"Hi Sarah, I've got some bad news. I have to either lay you of Jack off."

To which Sarah replies

"Well can you jack off then because I feel like shit."

 

[Misono]

Just been playing the Oscar Pistorius drinking game with friends whilst watching the trial.

Anytime someone goes to the toilet, you have 4 quick shots.

 

[jeff98902]

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?

Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.

Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".

Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.

 

[Misono]

My local bookshop has an offer on "Teach Yourself Binary" at the moment. 10 for the price of 1.

 

[Misono]

Paul Simon and his wife Edie Brickell suffered minor injuries in a domestic incident this week.

It all started in bed when he called her Betty and she called him Al.

 

[AuroraKnight]

(I didn't read through all of these, so sorry if it's been posted already)

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer, while waiting for his drink he notices a jar full of cash on the counter, when the bartender returns with his drink he asks about the jar.

"If you want to win the money, you have to make the horse over there in that stall laugh"

"Well alright, I'll give it a try."

So he puts $10 in the jar, walks over to the horse, whispers in his ear, and the horse just starts cracking up. The man finishes his beer, takes the money and leaves.

The next week he comes back to the same bar, and sees another jar of cash, so again, he asks the bartender about it while he orders his drink.

"This time, you have to make the horse cry."

The man agrees to the task, adds his money to the bet, walks into the horse stall and closes the door, a few minutes later he returns and the horse is crying.

He collects his winnings and sits down to enjoy the rest of his beer, the bartender asks "Okay, I gotta know, how'd you do it?"

"Well it was easy, to make him laugh I told him my dick was bigger than his."

"Alright, but how'd you make him cry?"

"I proved it!"

 

[LiLredhairedgrl]

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

 

[LiLredhairedgrl]

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere...

Click me!

 

[Bocefish]

WHY OLDER MEN DON'T GET HIRED...


Job Interview:

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Older Man : "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't really think honesty is a weakness."

Older Man : "I don't really give a shit what you think."

 

[AryaRoses]

Credit to Alan Moore for this one:

“See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. Y'see... Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says 'Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!”
― Batman: The Killing Joke

 

[Bocefish]

Most people don't know this, but back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico , which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank. The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as - Sinko De Mayo.


Great bit of knowledge, huh? How about a shot of Tequila :tongue3: bscene-drinkingchug:

 

[JerryBoBerry]

Most people don't know this, but back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico , which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank. The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as - Sinko De Mayo.

That one hurt.

 

[LiLredhairedgrl]

What is the best thing to come out of a penus?

Spoiler

The wrinkles.

 

[Red7227]

Steve Martin doing classic Monty Python :-D

 

[Red7227]

 

[Pepp]

 

[AryaRoses]

 

[HoneyLane_]

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.

Knock knock.

Who's there?






NOT SALLY.


(horrible but it always makes me laugh lol)

 

[Misono]

Pornhub has promised to plant a new tree for every hundred videos viewed.

With the amount of tissues some people go through though, I'm still not sure that's sustainable.

 

[LiLredhairedgrl]

How many Northern Californians does it take to change a light bulb?

Spoiler

Top 5 Words that are Better Than Hella to Signify 10 to the 27th Power

UC Davis physics student Austin Sendek is petitioning the International System of Units to declare hella as the official designation of 10 to the 27th power, or, a trillion trillions. As in, The word hella is used by people in NorCal hella times a day.

That's 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 times a day.

Since hella is an even more annoying way to convey superfluousness than "uber" or "totes," the following five words are being offered for consideration...

*Epic. The diameter of the observable universe is 1.4 epicmeters, dude!
*Gnarly. 1,000 yottabytes is gnarlybytes. That's gnar gnar bytes. Dude.
*Dude, alternately, lebowski. Dude, the mass of the earth is six lebowskigrams.
*Insane. The power of the sun is 0.3 insanewatts.

*Have we said dude yet? Dude, people in SoCal use the word dude, like, dude times a day. It is still less annoying than hella.

Sendek's Facebook page for the cause currently has 32,612 fans, and he's created a company that sells MakeHellaOfficial merchandise. Still, Sendek admits that the odds of his petition being a success are "hella small."

http://blogs.ocweekly.com/navelgazing/2010/03/top_5_words_that_are_better_th.php

 

[Bocefish]

COWBOY POETRY - BUYING A BRA ...


I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.

But the day came when I had to go -
And I left the kids with Ma.
But 'fore I left, she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"

So without thinkin' I said, "Sure,''
How tough could that job be?
An' I bent down and kissed her
An' said, "I'll be back by three."

Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing -
I worked me up a sweat

I walked into the ladies shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn't want to take a chance
On bein' recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told that lady right straight out,
"I'm here to buy a bra."

From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a'gawkin' right at me!

'What kind would you be looking
for?

Well, I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before,
"Thought bras was bras," I said.

She gave me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Follow me," I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie.

They had all these different styles
That I'd never seen before
I thought I'd go plumb crazy
'Fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.

There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.

Well, I finally made my mind
up


And I picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, "Bag it up,"
And figured I was done.

But then she asked me for the size
I didn't hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
"A six-and-seven-eighths."

"Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn't right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -
I measured them last night!"

I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.

"That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."

My wife had heard the story
'Fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For women's underwear.

~ Author Unknown
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