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Should parents use spanking as a form of punishment?

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Should parents use spanking as a form of punishment?

  • Yes

    Votes: 3 6.0%
  • No

    Votes: 26 52.0%
  • Yes, under specific circumstances.

    Votes: 10 20.0%
  • It's an individual parent's choice.

    Votes: 11 22.0%

  • Total voters
    50
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Perhaps asking them would help provide some other input?
They are, as always, welcome to respond to anything on this open forum that they want. Ditto anyone else reading :)

So, how would you handle an unruly child who doesn't listen and completely disregards anything you do?
I am hardpressed to believe that this hypothetical little monster who completely disregards everything I do will suddenly be stopped in their tracks by a single, non-painful tap on the butt. This is where I think the narrative diverges from reality. I think people either overestimate the effectiveness, or underestimate the harshness, of their spanking.

Anyway, I am not a parent so anything I say is hypothetical, but I would like to be an authoritative, rather than authoratarian, parent. Obviously reality is different than intention but I also think a key part of parenting is doing what’s best for your kid, not what’s easiest for yourself, and in my opinion spanking is the latter.
 
They are, as always, welcome to respond to anything on this open forum that they want. Ditto anyone else reading :)


I am hardpressed to believe that this hypothetical little monster who completely disregards everything I do will suddenly be stopped in their tracks by a single, non-painful tap on the butt. This is where I think the narrative diverges from reality. I think people either overestimate the effectiveness, or underestimate the harshness, of their spanking.

Anyway, I am not a parent so anything I say is hypothetical, but I would like to be an authoritative, rather than authoratarian, parent. Obviously reality is different than intention but I also think a key part of parenting is doing what’s best for your kid, not what’s easiest for yourself, and in my opinion spanking is the latter.

I agree with this, there was a show in the UK called "Super Nanny" or something like that where she deals with extremely naughty children, and all of the time it was that the parents weren't using the correct type of discipline on their children. This isn't spanking or physical punishment, but using non physical ways to teach children what is acceptable behaviour. It's incredible seeing how children can go from being completely out of control to well behaved with the right treatment. Parents are not experts on children, their children or anyone else's just by reproducing, and there is no shame in that. Most people haven't spent much time around children until they have them, and then they're thrown in the deep end. So it's perfectly reasonable to expect that when a child is having serious issues that something is going wrong, rather than it being to do with a child being intrinsically bad. Children can go from awful homes where they're being abused and are basically feral and with the correct treatment can eventually grow up and become decent people. In these cases the children tend to be really hard work for their foster parents, and physical punishment is clearly not going to be the right course of action (it rarely is).

Something that should always be kept in mind when dealing with "badly behaved" children, is you actually have no clue if they've been abused by someone else. This would be really hard for a parent to even consider, but sexual abuse against children is common, and those doing it are clever and know how to gain access and convince the child not to speak up, or to feel guilt for what has happened. If a child is seriously acting up, there may be a really good reason for it, and physically getting into their space and physically punishing them is not going to make them feel they can speak up. It also teaches children a really bad message which is that adults or people in a position of power are allowed to get into their space and physically harm them if they believe they've been "bad". This can translate to them being more accepting of abuse, or turning around and abusing other children. This is a really extreme case, but it's something to be kept in mind.

I agree with Gen that spanking is a cop out. It's lazy and seems like an easier option than actually working hard to maintain boundaries with children. Children crave consistency, something which as an adult can be hard to give them in terms of maintaining rules. But if you start letting certain rules slide, the child will learn. It's not fair to then get angry. I see people doing this not just with children, but with animals. They'll allow their pet to do something all the time, like going to get food off their plates at dinner, and will then tell it off when they do it around company. That's not fair behaviour. It's not the pet in that situation who's in the wrong, it's the owner. This is the same for children. You can't allow a child to scream bloody murder and do whatever all the time and then when you want peace and quiet expect them to pipe down. They're not adults, they don't understand, and adults shouldn't expect them to.

Nor did I turn into a cold blodded killer or otherwise.

I'm not an expert on serial killers, but I do find them fascinating enough to study them, so I may not be correct on this, but it seems that those who do become cold blooded killers tend to be psychopaths already. Most psychopaths live pretty "normal" lives and have no interest in killing, but in the cases where a psychopath grows up in a dysfunctional family, likely with physical abuse/punishment involved, that's usually when they might gain an interest in killing. So it's not really relevant you saying that you didn't become a killer, as you are clearly not a psychopath or a sociopath, and therefore will feel natural levels of empathy for others, while in the case of people with anti social personality disorder they don't feel empathy naturally (though they can with effort). But if you were born a psychopath with low levels of natural empathy, you might have interpreted physical abuse or punishment as a child in a different way, and may have wanted to kill others later in life, while if there were no physical abuse you might focus more on say, making money or pursuing something else you enjoy.

Spanking is also primarily about the humiliation. I have a friend whose son thinks it's hilarious is she spanks him because she's never done it as a punishment, only on a "we're mucking around and I'm mock punishing you" way. He's now conditioned to think it's the funniest thing in the world, and she could never use it as a punishment even if she wanted to (which she doesn't). So the pain clearly isn't an issue for him. And the child is the best behaved child I've met. As a child I can remember the nastiness of physical punishment always being that it was scary, humiliating and a feeling of betrayal from the parents, than the actual pain being bad. So there are definitely ways to instill an image of having done something wrong without such a harsh punishment.
 
So, how would you handle an unruly child who doesn't listen and completely disregards anything you do?
I can answer this one. Anyone who follows my Twitter probably knows I have one of the rowdiest 4 year olds on the planet. I follow peaceful parenting and hand in hand parenting. They are parenting methods against any punitive measures. They work but require a lot of consistency, self awareness and compassion. Any time I've tried any punitive measures (time outs for example) with my oldest, it has made things worse. Humans don't react well to being controlled or shamed, and peaceful parenting acknowledges that and treats children with thought. Worth noting that in many, many countries any corporal punishment with children is outlawed and they still find ways to keep their children alive and thriving.
 
I had my fair share of “ass whooping” when growing up from my parents and also older siblings. I hated it growing up!

Still... I’m ok with a little spanking, nothing aggressive, just something to show authority.

Sorry it was the way I’ve learn growing up, what I would have changed was the fact that my parents allowed my older siblings to hit me, which in consequence strained our relationship. I don’t talk to them, only mom and dad. And still till today, if we argue, they become violent towards me.

So as long as it is not abusive, not letting others besides your parents to do it, I’m ok with it and would do if I could have kids, but in a more understanding way.

Also, I’m shocked it says that spanking can lower your IQ!
 
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They are, as always, welcome to respond to anything on this open forum that they want. Ditto anyone else reading :)

So, why don't you quote their posts and ask them?

Difference of opinions, and parenting styles. If there's no abuse, and the parents aren't neglecting or mistreating their children, leave them be.
 
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So, why don't you quote their posts and ask them?
Because yours was the most recent post and it reminded me of my question.

Difference of opinions, and parenting styles. If there's no abuse, and the parents aren't neglecting or mistreating their children, leave them be.
That all depends on agreeing whether hitting your kids is abuse/mistreatment or not. Anyway I am not infringing on anyone’s parenting by discussing this or implying that I think its shitty parenting to spank your kids. So I don’t need to “leave them be”, lol.
 
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Difference of opinions, and parenting styles. If there's no abuse, and the parents aren't neglecting or mistreating their children, leave them be.

This is a really difficult area to judge on though. Many parents who abuse their children do not believe they are abusing them. Abuse, in the same way as any form of bullying, is not up to the abuser or the bully to decide, it is the person being abused or bullied. Of course people will justify their actions believing what they do is ok. This has been shown in all sorts of criminal cases, child molesters, rapists, murderers, bullies, thieves etc. They are justified in their actions and often do not genuinely feel that what they do is wrong or unacceptable. I am not pinning those who spank children with these people, I am just demonstrating how easy it is to justify even horrendous acts. So how can anyone truly know they aren't abusing their child? How can anyone truly know that another parent isn't abusing their child? As soon as you open the door for physical punishment, you open the door to a "blurred line" between abuse and punishment which is entirely based on the adult's feeling of the experience, not how the child feels. You can pretty much assume that the child will be obviously hurt, sorry and upset whether they're getting gentle physical punishment or true abuse, so you are basically completely disregarding their feelings on the matter. And by justifying physical punishment to them, bu default you are also justifying when it crosses the line to abuse, as the child is not aware of any line. All the child knows is that it hurts, humiliates and scares them and that they don't like it. They couldn't go to you "you have gone too far".

The other issue is that when you open the door to parents being physical with their children, if you as an outside viewer see a parent hitting or physically punishing their child in a way that seems to be with anger and is bordering on abuse (or is flat out abuse), it puts you in a much harder position to protect the child. Who are you to judge that the parent was being too harsh with her hitting? If you have a case where physical punishment for children is flat out not allowed except for extreme circumstances, it would be much easier for outsiders to see the difference between right and wrong.

To be honest, looking at the statistics of how common abuse against children is, seeing the research on how many abuse cases start with corporal punishment, and even talking to the amount of people who have been spanked and felt that it bordered on abuse, or even crossed that line on multiple occasions, it doesn't seem like the most extreme conclusion to say that as a rule, parents cannot be trusted to deal out physical punishment without crossing that line. And therefore, to lower abuse cases it would be more beneficial to end corporal punishment to children full stop, than having a more open "sometimes it is ok" attitude.
At the end of the day, we should not treat children in a way which we would not accept ourselves or do to other adults. It is easy to physically punish children because we can justify it to ourselves, and they are not allowed a say in the matter, nor can they fight back. This is not behaviour which is acceptable in adult life, so why are we teaching children it is ok? I cannot see the long term benefit towards the child's development by doing this. Short term perhaps, but not long term.
 
Many parents who abuse their children do not believe they are abusing them.

My mom didn't think that she was abusive, and if we complained about her discipline methods, she would respond by telling us that we didn't have it bad at all because of all the awful things her parents did to her. Yes, her parents were more abusive than she was, but that didn't mean that she wasn't abusive herself.

I remember being at her friend's house and overhearing the adults casually discussing how they beat their kids like it was the most normal conversation to have. Her friends mentioned using a belt on their kids, and using the buckle end if they were exceptionally bad, and my actual reaction was to be grateful that my mother only used wooden spoons, rubber spatulas, shoes, or hair brushes. I literally thought that this was "getting off easy".

And that's JUST the physical abuse we experienced. There was also lots of psychological and emotional abuse that our mother inflicted on us. The only times that we got any attention from her was when she was spanking us or screaming at us, so we frequently acted out just to get a reaction. Children were burdens and free labor to her, we weren't tiny humans in need of emotional care and compassion.
 
My mom didn't think that she was abusive, and if we complained about her discipline methods, she would respond by telling us that we didn't have it bad at all because of all the awful things her parents did to her. Yes, her parents were more abusive than she was, but that didn't mean that she wasn't abusive herself.

I'm so sorry you experienced this, it's really sad how people so often compare one situation to another as though one thing being worse justifies the current situation, or means you have no reason to complain. I had a similar situation with my parents. While I don't believe either of my parents were intentionally abusive people, my father had awful parental figures and was inclined to physically lash out, my mother could be similar. Not to the level of physically damaging their children, but from a child's opinion it was awful when it happened. Most of the time it came from physical punishment such as spanking, and they would use too much temper or do it in a situation which didn't warrant it. I believe it is one reason that when my brother hit puberty and got very strong that he was very violent with me, which only ended when my grandmother had words with him.
Every time I tried to get people involved to make it stop or tried to speak to my parents about the way I was treated by them, my mother would say "But you're talking like we beat you. We do not beat you." Implying that they would not leave me bloody on the floor as in cases of severe domestic abuse. I was often told off for exaggerating, or for not having "family loyalty". Which looking back is some of the biggest bullshit I've heard.
While yes, I did not have abuse in the way some children do in rarer circumstances, but it was still abuse. And it made me live in fear for a period of time in my early teens, leading to me moving away and frequently reporting it. Because both my parents are educated and from an upper middle class background, people were inclined to believe that these types of people would not do this to their children. Because physical punishment was not illegal it allowed this abuse to go on for a long time, as they could explain it away. And none of them believe it even now, I wrote a story of one of the abusive situations which happened and the fear I felt going through it, which years later my mother came across and though she complimented me for my writing skills, she proceeded to inform me it did not happen like that. I think people under estimate how terrifying and awful any form of bullying is to the person enduring it, when to an outside point of view it doesn't seem "that bad". At the end of the day, it's up to the person being hit to decide what they're comfortable with, what harms them and what makes them feel awful. Not the person hitting. And I cannot see many children genuinely consenting to or feeling ok with physical punishment.
So to hell with the "not that bad" people. It is that bad, and it is real, and no one else's experience should justify anyone in pain. Humans need to stop this sort of rationalisation of bad behaviour, and education is where it starts.
 
I'm not saying that a spanking should be the default action every time, never implied it either. But, there are times where a child may continue to act out even after other means don't work. For example, you have a child who is acting out, and completely misbehaving. You try asking them nicely to not do it. they continue, even after a few times of your talking to them. You try putting them in a timeout, they pout scream throw toys or whatever and go right back to it. No matter what you do, short of spanking or physically restrain them from doing it, they continue.

There are times where a child may not respond to anything other than a quick swat (single, not prolonged) on the but or quick slap on the hand. Sometimes, the reason for this is that they might see it as a game until there is a "surprise" action for them to think otherwise. Again, I'm not saying this is how every child is. Nor am I saying that this is the default action one should take every time. Children will respond to different methods at different times. Sometimes, a simple "Please don't do that" works, other times a timeout or taking a toy away does it. Other times, it is the surprise of being spanked that will get them to realize thy need to stop doing something. If you're not a parent, sometimes it is difficult to understand.

I'm not alone in this thread in saying this. So, perhaps you, Luna or Audri should ask them for their opinion as well.

I think a lot depends on the transgression, as a child if I ran out in the street it was an instant swat and an explanation of why. If it was something at home that didn't really need to be instant I was sent to my room to think about it till dad got home. That was really the worst part. Then I'd get a discussion of why maybe one or two swats followed by a hug and being told I was loved and they wanted me to grow up knowing right from wrong. I never enjoyed it but more because I knew I had screwed up. I never felt abused.
 
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