So I have a question that I need some help with.

[Esther_Fae]

Okay so I have seen a topic similar to this is the past but there were a few key differences which is why I chose to start a new topic.

Basically my partner and I have been talking about the future a lot lately and the subject of marriage has come up and we both want to eventually take that step with each other. There is just one thing that keeps bothering my partner (not terribly bothering but they would like to ease their paranoia). My partner is worried that me being a sex worker might come to bite them in the ass some time in their future career path. They are currently working on their degree for networking. My partner's goal is to get a job doing VOIP. This would put them in an office type job that would be on the formal side of things. That is what they want to do with their life. If it were to get out at their job that I do sex work...my partner is worried that could hurt their employment possibilities. My belief on the subject is that as long as they never appear in anything with me then what I do for work cannot hurt them. Especially since talking about porn in the workplace is considered sexual harassment.

I'm posting this here because I figured the sex workers here would know the laws better than I do. So if any of you could give my partner and I some more insight that would be very appreciated.

(Also if their is anything about this in models only I cannot go their because I am not a cam girl. I hope to be once living situations change. But can't do that just yet. So yeah I am a sex worker. Just not a cam model)

 

[Esther_Fae]

To clarify my question is should we be worried that this will ever affect my partners career even if they never have anything to do with my job?

 

[TacoBelle]

Honestly, I wouldn't be that worried about it unless your SO plans to run for a political or religious career. If that were the case, there would probably be so many people trying to find "dirt" on him/her that your camming history could be found. But the likelihood of someone saying, "I'm gonna do some IN DEPTH searching to find some dirt on Bob in accounting!" is pretty slim. Besides, even if they wanted to find something specifically on him/her, they would have a hard time connecting the two of you.

Now, if you planned on getting a job where you might have people searching for your past, it might come up. For example, if you were a teacher and someone found old camming videos of you, you'd be fired (and possibly banned from all child-centered/government jobs). But as for your SO, I'd think you're probably ok.

 

[Esther_Fae]

Honestly, I wouldn't be that worried about it unless your SO plans to run for a political or religious career. If that were the case, there would probably be so many people trying to find "dirt" on him/her that your camming history could be found. But the likelihood of someone saying, "I'm gonna do some IN DEPTH searching to find some dirt on Bob in accounting!" is pretty slim. Besides, even if they wanted to find something specifically on him/her, they would have a hard time connecting the two of you.

Now, if you planned on getting a job where you might have people searching for your past, it might come up. For example, if you were a teacher and someone found old camming videos of you, you'd be fired (and possibly banned from all child-centered/government jobs). But as for your SO, I'd think you're probably ok.

Thank you Iris. And yeah I know my future job prospects are limited due to my choice to do this now, but I don't plan on doing anything in the future that would be affected by this. And yeah I figured my partner's job wouldn't be impacted by it. But they were worried if their future coworkers saw me at a company thing or something and recognized me from photos, videos, cam shows, etc. My partner is simply being overly paranoid and just wants some input on whether or not said paranoia is justified.

 

[ACFFAN69]

Honestly, I wouldn't be that worried about it unless your SO plans to run for a political or religious career. If that were the case, there would probably be so many people trying to find "dirt" on him/her that your camming history could be found. But the likelihood of someone saying, "I'm gonna do some IN DEPTH searching to find some dirt on Bob in accounting!" is pretty slim. Besides, even if they wanted to find something specifically on him/her, they would have a hard time connecting the two of you.

Now, if you planned on getting a job where you might have people searching for your past, it might come up. For example, if you were a teacher and someone found old camming videos of you, you'd be fired (and possibly banned from all child-centered/government jobs). But as for your SO, I'd think you're probably ok.

Thank you Iris. And yeah I know my future job prospects are limited due to my choice to do this now, but I don't plan on doing anything in the future that would be affected by this. And yeah I figured my partner's job wouldn't be impacted by it. But they were worried if their future coworkers saw me at a company thing or something and recognized me from photos, videos, cam shows, etc. My partner is simply being overly paranoid and just wants some input on whether or not said paranoia is justified.

I'm not a cam girl, but I would like to chime in that if you are seriously concerned about ever being "found out" then this is probably not the correct career path. I've read a few horror stories about that on here. I don't mean to scare you though and hope you decide to try this interesting job. I also don't think it's fair to tell you that it isn't an issue.

Here is a horror story I remember recently of the exact description you describe:
https://www.ambercutie.com/forums/viewt ... 15&t=19440

here are stories about being recognized by fans:
https://www.ambercutie.com/forums/viewt ... =12&t=9606

Keep in mind that most sites allow you to region block areas though. So if you live in California, you can block all of California. The odds of someone in your region randomly seeing you on the site is almost non-existent. They would have to be on a VPN making them appear to live somewhere else AND randomly see you.

The bigger threat is one of your videos being uploaded to another porn site like pornhub, xhamster, motherless, etc and being spotted there.

The other concern is not being secure with the images or information you put out there, and a stalker figuring out too much about you and blackmailing to reveal your secrets to everyone you know (speaking to another model apparently this shockingly happens more then you'd think!).

It obviously also depends on how serious you are at becoming a model. If you treat it like a job and go at it fully you are going to have a lot more out there for others to identify you with. As a hobby you are probably okay. The more famous you become, the bigger the concern.

I obviously don't have the full picture of the concern (or lack thereof) being only a member though.

 

[Esther_Fae]

I'm not a cam girl, but I would like to chime in that if you are seriously concerned about ever being "found out" then this is probably not the correct career path. I've read a few horror stories about that on here. I don't mean to scare you though and hope you decide to try this interesting job. I also don't think it's fair to tell you that it isn't an issue.

Here is a horror story I remember recently of the exact description you describe:
https://www.ambercutie.com/forums/viewt ... 15&t=19440

here are stories about being recognized by fans:
https://www.ambercutie.com/forums/viewt ... =12&t=9606

Keep in mind that most sites allow you to region block areas though. So if you live in California, you can block all of California. The odds of someone in your region randomly seeing you on the site is almost non-existent. They would have to be on a VPN making them appear to live somewhere else AND randomly see you.

The bigger threat is one of your videos being uploaded to another porn site like pornhub, xhamster, motherless, etc and being spotted there.

The other concern is not being secure with the images or information you put out there, and a stalker figuring out too much about you and blackmailing to reveal your secrets to everyone you know (speaking to another model apparently this shockingly happens more then you'd think!).

It obviously also depends on how serious you are at becoming a model. If you treat it like a job and go at it fully you are going to have a lot more out there for others to identify you with. As a hobby you are probably okay. The more famous you become, the bigger the concern.

I obviously don't have the full picture of the concern (or lack thereof) being only a member though.

I'm well aware of the things that could happen to me. I do not have a problem with being outed. I'm well aware this could happen. I have already thoroughly thought over this sort of thing before starting sex work. I am a sex worker. I am already doing this sort of work. I have been since before my current partner and I were together. I just am not currently a cam girl.
I am not worried about being outed. If I am outed then I will deal with it. I am not worried about my future job choices being affected by sex work. I am not worried about me.
I appreciate your concern. But this topic is not about anything affecting me. This topic is about if my partner has any reason to be worried. Even if they never have anything to do with my job. Which I'm pretty sure my partner doesn't but I wanted some other views on the matter.

 

[ACFFAN69]

I'm not a cam girl, but I would like to chime in that if you are seriously concerned about ever being "found out" then this is probably not the correct career path. I've read a few horror stories about that on here. I don't mean to scare you though and hope you decide to try this interesting job. I also don't think it's fair to tell you that it isn't an issue.

Here is a horror story I remember recently of the exact description you describe:
https://www.ambercutie.com/forums/viewt ... 15&t=19440

here are stories about being recognized by fans:
https://www.ambercutie.com/forums/viewt ... =12&t=9606

Keep in mind that most sites allow you to region block areas though. So if you live in California, you can block all of California. The odds of someone in your region randomly seeing you on the site is almost non-existent. They would have to be on a VPN making them appear to live somewhere else AND randomly see you.

The bigger threat is one of your videos being uploaded to another porn site like pornhub, xhamster, motherless, etc and being spotted there.

The other concern is not being secure with the images or information you put out there, and a stalker figuring out too much about you and blackmailing to reveal your secrets to everyone you know (speaking to another model apparently this shockingly happens more then you'd think!).

It obviously also depends on how serious you are at becoming a model. If you treat it like a job and go at it fully you are going to have a lot more out there for others to identify you with. As a hobby you are probably okay. The more famous you become, the bigger the concern.

I obviously don't have the full picture of the concern (or lack thereof) being only a member though.

I'm well aware of the things that could happen to me. I do not have a problem with being outed. I'm well aware this could happen. I have already thoroughly thought over this sort of thing before starting sex work. I am a sex worker. I am already doing this sort of work. I have been since before my current partner and I were together. I just am not currently a cam girl.
I am not worried about being outed. If I am outed then I will deal with it. I am not worried about my future job choices being affected by sex work. I am not worried about me.
I appreciate your concern. But this topic is not about anything affecting me. This topic is about if my partner has any reason to be worried. Even if they never have anything to do with my job. Which I'm pretty sure my partner doesn't but I wanted some other views on the matter.

My bad for implying that your fear was only about being outed for your own worries!

Your second post was strictly speaking about the chances of his co-workers finding out, rather then repercussions to his career. I was merely pointing out that being "found out" is a concern according to many posts I've read (linking you a few), and if you can be found out by anyone then you can just as easily be found out by your partners coworkers. It's probably incredibly unlikely but it can happen.

The first thread I linked was specifically on that subject, and what the model was able to do after her partners boss found out about her career path and was buying her videos. As well as how it affected her.

 

[Esther_Fae]

I'm not a cam girl, but I would like to chime in that if you are seriously concerned about ever being "found out" then this is probably not the correct career path. I've read a few horror stories about that on here. I don't mean to scare you though and hope you decide to try this interesting job. I also don't think it's fair to tell you that it isn't an issue.

Here is a horror story I remember recently of the exact description you describe:
https://www.ambercutie.com/forums/viewt ... 15&t=19440

here are stories about being recognized by fans:
https://www.ambercutie.com/forums/viewt ... =12&t=9606

Keep in mind that most sites allow you to region block areas though. So if you live in California, you can block all of California. The odds of someone in your region randomly seeing you on the site is almost non-existent. They would have to be on a VPN making them appear to live somewhere else AND randomly see you.

The bigger threat is one of your videos being uploaded to another porn site like pornhub, xhamster, motherless, etc and being spotted there.

The other concern is not being secure with the images or information you put out there, and a stalker figuring out too much about you and blackmailing to reveal your secrets to everyone you know (speaking to another model apparently this shockingly happens more then you'd think!).

It obviously also depends on how serious you are at becoming a model. If you treat it like a job and go at it fully you are going to have a lot more out there for others to identify you with. As a hobby you are probably okay. The more famous you become, the bigger the concern.

I obviously don't have the full picture of the concern (or lack thereof) being only a member though.

I'm well aware of the things that could happen to me. I do not have a problem with being outed. I'm well aware this could happen. I have already thoroughly thought over this sort of thing before starting sex work. I am a sex worker. I am already doing this sort of work. I have been since before my current partner and I were together. I just am not currently a cam girl.
I am not worried about being outed. If I am outed then I will deal with it. I am not worried about my future job choices being affected by sex work. I am not worried about me.
I appreciate your concern. But this topic is not about anything affecting me. This topic is about if my partner has any reason to be worried. Even if they never have anything to do with my job. Which I'm pretty sure my partner doesn't but I wanted some other views on the matter.

My bad for implying that your fear was strictly about being outted!

Your second post was strictly speaking about the chances of his co-workers finding out, rather then repercussions to his career. I was merely pointing out that being "found out" is a concern according to many posts I've read (linking you a few), and if you can be found out by anyone then you can just as easily be found out by your partners coworkers. It's probably incredibly unlikely but it can happen.

The first thread I linked was specifically on that subject, and what the model was able to do after her partners boss found out about her career path and was buying her videos. As well as how it affected her.

The first link is a post I've seen before. It's the one I talked about originally. But there are some very key differences. Her and her husband cam together. So they are both doing sex work. As well as her husband works in a bar. My partner will never have anything to do with my work. And an office environment is very different than a bar. I do not care if my partners coworkers ever know what I do. This is not something that bothers me. I am well aware I could be found out by anyone at any time. I was well aware of this before I started doing sex work. The concern we have is if it will affect their job in a negative way.

 

[PunkInDrublic]

The concern we have is if it will affect their job in a negative way.

Won't necessarily have a negative effect but it won't have any positive effect either. It could be a constant worry for him, it could prevent him from moving up, it could make him lose the respect of his coworkers and bosses(which sucks and is unfair but that's reality), it could be a bunch of negatives. Or it could have zero impact on anything. Who knows, good luck!

 

[inkydoo]

As an IT professional of 15+ years (I do system (read linux) and network stuff), I've got two takes on this. First, I'd have to say that most of the people I've worked with or known that are also in IT are pretty liberal, tolerant folks. I suspect (or in some cases know) that they get down to some pretty kinky stuff themselves, and so have a pretty strong belief in live and let live. In fact, I'd almost worry more about co-workers finding out and deciding to "partake" of my partners services (and, perhaps this is part of his concern?).

In addition though, I think a lot of people in IT (especially systems and network related stuff) have a healthy respect for privacy. After all, part of our job is carrying and supporting all kinds of traffic and uses for the modern networked world, and we tend to know better than most that the system works best when people stop worrying about what everyone and their dog might be doing on the network and instead focus on making sure it all works as well as it can. This is evidenced by our strong feelings on things like Net Neutrality and censorship laws, etc.

These two things help explain why there seems to be an over-representation of libertarians in IT

That doesn't mean that all of them are like that. I know some pretty devoutly religious IT people as well, and I have no idea how they'd react if they learned that my wife or SO were a cam girl (speaking hypothetically, since she isn't). And I would say that pointy headed bosses are more likely to react badly to this, in part because they're often worried about their own bosses as well as the "reputation" of the company. For my part, I decided a long time ago that if someone I worked (or interviewed) for had issues with my personal life, my political beliefs, or anything else that doesn't have to do with my performance of my job, I probably didn't want to be working for them anyway. Further, unless he's engaged in anything illegal (or unethical) in a way that relates to his job (like charges for wire-tapping or maybe voyeurism), and depending on what state/country he's working in, I would suspect he'd have a wrongful termination case if he were let go in a way that seemed to coincide with his employer's "discovery" of what you do.

That said, I wonder if his concern might also be about the more general question of how he would feel / react if anyone he was close to (personally or professionally) knew what you did? I'm not suggesting he's being deliberately deceptive about his concern, but that his stated concern may be a specific case of a broader worry on his part?

Whatever happens, I think you guys deserve a lot of credit for talking out these issues and concerns ahead of time. I really don't mean to sounds condescending, but that's a pretty mature move for a couple that's not even married yet, and you should both be proud of that.

 

[Sevrin]

I don't *think* anyone here knows the future. Yes, there is a chance your SO might end up in a company where someone might recognize you, and this could end up being a hindrance to his advancement in that company. On the other hand, it's more likely that no one will recognize you, unless you become extremely successful and notorious.

One thing worth bearing in mind is: the closer your everyday persona matches your sex work persona, the better your chances are of being discovered. Someone who is flamboyant professionally, and mousey out on the street has a far better chance of remaining incognito than someone who looks the same in both situations.

 

[Nordling]

In a bizarre way, it could even help your SO. Assuming his real worry isn't being kidded around by his co-workers, lots of times I've seen bosses who took such details with a sense of humor and actually tended to like that employee more. Heck, one boss I had hired a guy because he was honest about having a hangover during his interview.

 

[Lilith Vine]

I think that in most cases it would be alright, but in some professions reputation is everything. Mr. Vine has asked me not to post his career so I can't tell you what he does, but I will say that if any one of my boyfriend's bosses found out what I did they could fire him because of it. I would advise that if his career is reputation based and strict and if you're worried enough about it then I wouldn't suggest camming. Like I said earlier though, I'm sure most places really wouldn't be that strict about it. Another thing is Mr. Vine keeps his work life and home life separate. I've never even met anyone he's worked with the whole year I've been with him. So if someone did happen to come across me I don't even think they would know who I am. I have my state blocked so that always helps as well. I don't want to be the one negative reply, but I just wanted to share to let you know it's possible.

 

[Esther_Fae]

Thank you for all the replies everyone. My partner is not concerned about people seeing me naked. My partner is concerned about their job being hindered due to my job. Simply that. And thank you for the IT people telling me about their take on the situations.

~TANGENT! THE BELOW HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE TOPIC BUT IS SOMETHING I WANTED TO COMMENT ON!~
I would like to comment on one thing. I did not mention the gender of my partner and kept using gender neutral terms for a specific reason. I am a pan and gender fluid person and feel that the gender of my partner should not matter. Because people tend to look at those that are pan and bi and put them in categories depending upon the gender of their partners. And I do not believe that is an okay thing to do. Most the time I do identify as female because it's easier than going out of my way to say that someone is using the incorrect pronouns with me. Because I personally do not get that bothered by it. But do to the fact that I am feminine you all assumed that my partner was a man. Which I never once mentioned...so yeah....What I'm trying to get at is that you shouldn't assume the gender of someone else especially when the person mentioning said person uses gender neutral pronouns.

 

[Esther_Fae]

I think that in most cases it would be alright, but in some professions reputation is everything. Mr. Vine has asked me not to post his career so I can't tell you what he does, but I will say that if any one of my boyfriend's bosses found out what I did they could fire him because of it. I would advise that if his career is reputation based and strict and if you're worried enough about it then I wouldn't suggest camming. Like I said earlier though, I'm sure most places really wouldn't be that strict about it. Another thing is Mr. Vine keeps his work life and home life separate. I've never even met anyone he's worked with the whole year I've been with him. So if someone did happen to come across me I don't even think they would know who I am. I have my state blocked so that always helps as well. I don't want to be the one negative reply, but I just wanted to share to let you know it's possible.

Thank you Lilith, I am aware it is possible. However my partner is going into VOIP which is a technology thing(I'd explain but it's rather boring). It isn't a reputation based field. But it will be an office environment. And business attire is what my partner would have to wear. Hence why I am of the believe that discussing porn would be construed as sexual harassment in the workplace. And my partner has full on said they are being paranoid and simply want other opinions. Also I am already a sex worker. What I currently do does not allow region blocking. Once I do camming I will certainly use region blocking. That just is not an option right now.

 

[BarbieLuv]

~TANGENT! THE BELOW HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE TOPIC BUT IS SOMETHING I WANTED TO COMMENT ON!~
I would like to comment on one thing. I did not mention the gender of my partner and kept using gender neutral terms for a specific reason. I am a pan and gender fluid person and feel that the gender of my partner should not matter. Because people tend to look at those that are pan and bi and put them in categories depending upon the gender of their partners. And I do not believe that is an okay thing to do. Most the time I do identify as female because it's easier than going out of my way to say that someone is using the incorrect pronouns with me. Because I personally do not get that bothered by it. But do to the fact that I am feminine you all assumed that my partner was a man. Which I never once mentioned...so yeah....What I'm trying to get at is that you shouldn't assume the gender of someone else especially when the person mentioning said person uses gender neutral pronouns.

If you don't want people to 'assume' that your partner is one gender or another, then you should just say "He" or "She" to tell us which one it is, instead of getting salty over people 'making assumptions'. Considering that only roughly 3-5% of the entire population is gay/transgender/bi/pan/etc., there shouldn't be anything wrong or offensive about people thinking "Hey, that person looks like/presents themselves as a girl, so it's a she, and as such, is probably talking about a guy" if you didn't say anything to the contrary. That's a popular mindset on the internet, I know (the whole "let's get offended over things that people didn't mean any offense about, especially when it comes to the evils of assuming that I'm not a unicorn-sexual with a dragon-sexual for a boyfriend" is especially prevelant on tumblr., I do believe), but that doesn't mean it should be a knee-jerk reaction. I completely agree that your gender and the gender of your partner don't matter when it comes to any situation, including this one - But if you believe that, then you also must believe that someone thinking you might be a gender that you're not isn't offensive either, since you essentially stated that you believe GENDER DOESN'T MATTER, and then went on to say that it TOTALLY DOES if people are 'assuming things'. Forgive me, but you can't have it both ways.

Nobody said anything offense or unhelpful; literally the only thing you could possibly be upset about is this completely unintentional 'wrong' of using *le gasp* male pronouns to describe your partner. Get offended when people are actually meaning to offend, by all means (so if you told someone to use a certain pronoun and then they INTENTIONALLY used the wrong one), but nobody here was trying to do that. You asked for advice, they gave it, why should the pronoun matter when the advice was sound?

:twocents-02cents: on what is likely to be a very unpopular opinion.

 

[Esther_Fae]

~TANGENT! THE BELOW HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE TOPIC BUT IS SOMETHING I WANTED TO COMMENT ON!~
I would like to comment on one thing. I did not mention the gender of my partner and kept using gender neutral terms for a specific reason. I am a pan and gender fluid person and feel that the gender of my partner should not matter. Because people tend to look at those that are pan and bi and put them in categories depending upon the gender of their partners. And I do not believe that is an okay thing to do. Most the time I do identify as female because it's easier than going out of my way to say that someone is using the incorrect pronouns with me. Because I personally do not get that bothered by it. But do to the fact that I am feminine you all assumed that my partner was a man. Which I never once mentioned...so yeah....What I'm trying to get at is that you shouldn't assume the gender of someone else especially when the person mentioning said person uses gender neutral pronouns.

If you don't want people to 'assume' that your partner is one gender or another, then you should just say "He" or "She" to tell us which one it is, instead of getting salty over people 'making assumptions'. Considering that only roughly 3-5% of the entire population is gay/transgender/bi/pan/etc., there shouldn't be anything wrong or offensive about people thinking "Hey, that person looks like/presents themselves as a girl, so it's a she, and as such, is probably talking about a guy" if you didn't say anything to the contrary. That's a popular mindset on the internet, I know (the whole "let's get offended over things that people didn't mean any offense about, especially when it comes to the evils of assuming that I'm not a unicorn-sexual with a dragon-sexual for a boyfriend" is especially prevelant on tumblr., I do believe), but that doesn't mean it should be a knee-jerk reaction. I completely agree that your gender and the gender of your partner don't matter when it comes to any situation, including this one - But if you believe that, then you also must believe that someone thinking you might be a gender that you're not isn't offensive either, since you essentially stated that you believe GENDER DOESN'T MATTER, and then went on to say that it TOTALLY DOES if people are 'assuming things'. Forgive me, but you can't have it both ways.

Nobody said anything offense or unhelpful; literally the only thing you could possibly be upset about is this completely unintentional 'wrong' of using *le gasp* male pronouns to describe your partner. Get offended when people are actually meaning to offend, by all means (so if you told someone to use a certain pronoun and then they INTENTIONALLY used the wrong one), but nobody here was trying to do that. You asked for advice, they gave it, why should the pronoun matter when the advice was sound?

:twocents-02cents: on what is likely to be a very unpopular opinion.

nonononononononono I didn't mean to come off rude at all.......I used they/their/them pronouns through all my posts. And I merely wanted to comment on it because people assume that if someone appears to be a girl then their partner is automatically male...that is just a little pet peeve of mine because people do identify outside of the binary such as agender/gender neutral people. I wasn't meaning to attack anyone. I understand I can't say things quite how I mean them and that there is a lot of room for interpretation on the internet because there is not tone of voice or body language and such.
I sincerely apologize if what I said came off rude to anyone. That was not my intention. And I kinda went on a tangent within my tangent. Honestly I said what I said to make people think...and I was even just thinking "out loud".
And I used gender neutral pronouns...they/them/their....those are the pronouns I used......

Also I know no one said anything unhelpful. I thanked everyone for what they said. And specifically stated that I was going on a tangent that was unrelated to the thread...I specifically did that because I wanted to comment on the situation and not direct it to anyone because it is something that people in general do quite a lot.

Also I am definitely not offended....or angry....or upset.....it was a tangent that I chose to post...because it's something I see a lot and I wanted to comment on it....nothing more.....

 

[TacoBelle]

Psst... I just wanted to say that I never assumed the gender either way. But it IS harder/more time consuming to write his/her and him/her and he/she instead of just ONE pronoun each time. To be honest, I just imagined that you were either gay or bi and did not want to potentially "out" your partner of either gender.

Regardless, on this forum, we have a number of trans/pan/gay/bi/etc members. There are often times that someone will respond and the OP will have to laugh and say, "Oh, I'm lesbian so we don't have to worry about that!" or something similar. Yes, the default in most American's (not sure about other cultures) brains are to respond as though the poster is a straight male. Unless they say something (or have a picture) that makes them seem more feminine (which still doesn't mean they aren't/don't identify as male). But that's just how our brains work.


To be honest, I tried very hard (even re-reading my response) to make sure that I didn't say anything that would have implied you were straight when I wrote it. But I have to agree with Gemma. Your response (even as an aside) was still directed at everyone in this thread. Even though you might have been saying, "Haha, isn't it so funny/cute/weird that most people default to this!" it still came across as berating and reprimanding simply because it was directed at those who answered. In the future, maybe start a new thread for the topic (so as not to "point fingers," essentially)? That way others can come to the same conclusion and not feel implicated. :twocents-02cents:

 

[Sevrin]

Oh, for fuck's sake...

 

[HiGirlsRHot]

Beyond some teasing and few behind the back snickers, I doubt it would have much impact on your partners career. Most tech fields are pretty tolerant of people's eccentricities, and their partners are even less of concern. The only time I remember anything remotely like this was one of my co-worker (very briefly my boss) had stunning wife. He wasn't highly respected, although he was handsome guy so we weren't in complete shock. One of the guys was sure they knew her and eventually identified her as co-star in one of those softcore movies you see in Showtime or hotels. Other than a spike in rentals for the movie, and bit of jealous on our part, it had no impact on his career. Even anything there was a bit more respect for the guy. His generally flakiness and lack of reliability were much bigger factors.

 

[Esther_Fae]

Psst... I just wanted to say that I never assumed the gender either way. But it IS harder/more time consuming to write his/her and him/her and he/she instead of just ONE pronoun each time. To be honest, I just imagined that you were either gay or bi and did not want to potentially "out" your partner of either gender.

Regardless, on this forum, we have a number of trans/pan/gay/bi/etc members. There are often times that someone will respond and the OP will have to laugh and say, "Oh, I'm lesbian so we don't have to worry about that!" or something similar. Yes, the default in most American's (not sure about other cultures) brains are to respond as though the poster is a straight male. Unless they say something (or have a picture) that makes them seem more feminine (which still doesn't mean they aren't/don't identify as male). But that's just how our brains work.


To be honest, I tried very hard (even re-reading my response) to make sure that I didn't say anything that would have implied you were straight when I wrote it. But I have to agree with Gemma. Your response (even as an aside) was still directed at everyone in this thread. Even though you might have been saying, "Haha, isn't it so funny/cute/weird that most people default to this!" it still came across as berating and reprimanding simply because it was directed at those who answered. In the future, maybe start a new thread for the topic (so as not to "point fingers," essentially)? That way others can come to the same conclusion and not feel implicated. :twocents-02cents:

I didn't mean it as directed at the people within this thread. It was more of a random tangent honestly it was. But I can see your point about making a new thread instead. And they/them/their are the pronouns I used. That is three forms of a single pronoun. There are people out there who do not identify as male or female (like myself from time to time). So typing he/she is using the wrong pronouns. From what I wrote it would be assumed that my partner uses neutral pronouns. That is why I made the tangent. It wasn't an accusatory thing. I typed the entire thing with a smile on my face because those situations are amusing when you finally take the time to look at them. And most people don't even realize they've done those sorts of things. I typed the tangent because I find that sort of thing interesting. That's all. It wasn't meant to be rude. I used neutral pronouns, therefore I assumed people would use the same pronouns I did. They didn't. Now whether they were conscious of it or not is what I find interesting. Human behavior fascinates me and I wanted to point out something that I see a lot that most people don't even realize they are even doing. I still catch myself assigning genders to people I don't know without meaning to. And it's just an interesting thing.
Again I am sorry if I offended anyone that was not my intent. I am very thankful for the responses that those of you gave me. It was nice to have more than one opinion on the matter. I really don't want my first impression that I actually make on this forum to be a bad one. I'm speaking about this sort of thing in a detached scientific it fascinates me sort of way. I was not offended. I merely found it to be interesting. And I definitely did not want to offend any of the people on this forum. When I actually am able to expand into other forms of sex work besides just photos and video sales I hope to look to this forum as a place to find friends in the camming world and such....I really don't want to put my foot in my mouth before I'm even through the door but it seems I've already done that and I am sorry.

 

[TacoBelle]

Oh, sweetheart! Don't feel like you've put your foot in your mouth. I'm sorry we made you feel like that. Now that we know that you were just giggling about human instinct, I think everything should be cool. We want you to feel welcome here, not like you're afraid to say something! Thanks for clarifying that to us.


PS. Good luck in your adventures in camming!

 

[Esther_Fae]

Oh, sweetheart! Don't feel like you've put your foot in your mouth. I'm sorry we made you feel like that. Now that we know that you were just giggling about human instinct, I think everything should be cool. We want you to feel welcome here, not like you're afraid to say something! Thanks for clarifying that to us.


PS. Good luck in your adventures in camming!

Haha no I know I worded things a little weird so yeah I kinda put my foot in my mouth. That is my bad. But yeah giggling about human behavior is all. And I feel bad for not getting that across in the first place. The foot is firmly in the mouth. But thank you for taking the time to try to understand me around said foot. :handgestures-salute:

 

[TacoBelle]

But thank you for taking the time to try to understand me around said foot. :handgestures-salute:

Pfft, I am extremely fluent in foot-in-mouth-ology. :lol:

 

[inkydoo]

Oh, sweetheart! Don't feel like you've put your foot in your mouth. I'm sorry we made you feel like that. Now that we know that you were just giggling about human instinct, I think everything should be cool. We want you to feel welcome here, not like you're afraid to say something! Thanks for clarifying that to us.


PS. Good luck in your adventures in camming!

Haha no I know I worded things a little weird so yeah I kinda put my foot in my mouth. That is my bad. But yeah giggling about human behavior is all. And I feel bad for not getting that across in the first place. The foot is firmly in the mouth. But thank you for taking the time to try to understand me around said foot. :handgestures-salute:

I'm actually really glad you said something about it. I didn't feel particularly chastised by you, though I did kind of self-chastise my privileged white male self, not because I used male pronouns, but because you are correct that I assumed your partner was male (though part of that is also probably a biased assumption that anyone going into VOIP as a career was more likely to be male as well, so now I doubly suck ).

But back to the point, I'm glad you mentioned it because I recently read Ursula LeGuin's "Left Hand of Darkness" in which all but one of the characters are literally gender-fluid (well, even that sort of oversimplifies things). Included in the edition I read were several appendices where LeGuin actually talks about her struggle as a writer with regard to gender/genderless pronouns (including her distaste for him/her and he/she or even s/he, and her frustration at language "traditionalists" who insist that they can only be used as a plural despite increasing use of it as a gender-neutral pronoun), and even creates her own words, then proceeds to include several chapters of the book using alternate pronoun choices. It's quite fascinating both from a literary standpoint and as a way of making the reader more aware of their internal (and probably mostly unexamined) biases about such pronouns.

 

[ACFFAN69]

I didn't mean it as directed at the people within this thread. It was more of a random tangent honestly it was. But I can see your point about making a new thread instead. And they/them/their are the pronouns I used. That is three forms of a single pronoun. There are people out there who do not identify as male or female (like myself from time to time). So typing he/she is using the wrong pronouns. From what I wrote it would be assumed that my partner uses neutral pronouns. That is why I made the tangent. It wasn't an accusatory thing. I typed the entire thing with a smile on my face because those situations are amusing when you finally take the time to look at them. And most people don't even realize they've done those sorts of things. I typed the tangent because I find that sort of thing interesting. That's all. It wasn't meant to be rude. I used neutral pronouns, therefore I assumed people would use the same pronouns I did. They didn't. Now whether they were conscious of it or not is what I find interesting. Human behavior fascinates me and I wanted to point out something that I see a lot that most people don't even realize they are even doing. I still catch myself assigning genders to people I don't know without meaning to. And it's just an interesting thing.
Again I am sorry if I offended anyone that was not my intent. I am very thankful for the responses that those of you gave me. It was nice to have more than one opinion on the matter. I really don't want my first impression that I actually make on this forum to be a bad one. I'm speaking about this sort of thing in a detached scientific it fascinates me sort of way. I was not offended. I merely found it to be interesting. And I definitely did not want to offend any of the people on this forum. When I actually am able to expand into other forms of sex work besides just photos and video sales I hope to look to this forum as a place to find friends in the camming world and such....I really don't want to put my foot in my mouth before I'm even through the door but it seems I've already done that and I am sorry.

I think it's pretty obvious that it is anonymously agreed that you didn't put your foot in your mouth and no one was insulted, but I'd like to also chime in with a quote PlayboyMegan once said: ( https://www.ambercutie.com/forums/viewt ... 05#p552805 )

One of my favorite things about this forum is how quickly people forget. I've stuck my foot in my mouth a couple of times, been involved in several heated debates, been ganged up on, very often have the minority opinion. But I noticed that when I apologize, it is heard and accepted by almost all. And when I don't apologize, it is forgotten just a few days later.

In my relatively short time here I've found this quote to be specifically true. It's one of the beautiful things about this place.
Thank you for bringing the gender neutral topic up. It's nice to consider things that there is no way I would have considered on my own.