Thoughts from a models boyfriend

[Underworld02]

My girlfriend started camming about 2 months ago on MFC and is making decent money but I feel that its starting to ruin our relationship. I used to give her a hard time for not making enough money to help out and she came up with the idea which I wasn't fond of but gave her the okay after thinking it might be worth it since it's all just virtual.

After a few days i told her I didnt like It anymore and she just fought really hard to say it's worth the money and this and that. So I let her go on with it. I believe all her sexual time and energy is going into it and there's nothing left for me. She seems exhausted and tired and disinterested now. We also had a few rules and 1 of them was that she wouldn't actually watch the guys but I caught her lying when I peaked in the door once and saw a guy on camera. She said It was A One Time Thing only because he tipped so much. Girls have the option of opening guys cams on privates, correct? Its not mandatory That they see them? I also got her texting and skyping one and they had plans to meet up so I'm really heart broken right now and she's crossing all of the lines and boundaries of our relationship. I've tried telling her how i feel and she's brushing almost everything under the rug. She always had low self esteem and I believe she's getting addicted to the attention and the easy money. I belive there is zero chance she would choose me over the camming.

Just wanted to share my thoughts.

Thanks

 

[ThePrincessLuxy]

1. You should not be peeping in her room. That's a serious violation of her privacy and if you are that insecure and controlling of her and what she does in her own time then you should probably not have a girlfriend.
2. Sometimes these things happen with cam girls. It is your decision whether it not to work through it. My last boyfriend/thing had the same issue and he took a few months to come to terms to it and realize it was just a job to me. Now i don't know she's into any of her regulars like you're making it sound, but if she is then she is not respecting your boundaries as her boyfriend then she shouldn't have you, either.

 

[CharlotteLace]

- they had plans to meet up
- she's crossing all of the lines and boundaries of our relationship.
- I've tried telling her how i feel and she's brushing almost everything under the rug.
- She always had low self esteem

Dude, there's 4 giant fucking red flags right there. Yeah, you shouldn't have been spying on her. But those points I bolded are giant signs this isn't a healthy relationship. To be fair, I don't think camming is what caused it, it just was the outlet she used. A lot of people with low self-esteem will seek validation in one form or another, and sometimes it means they hurt people. I'd GTFO, honestly. The first bullet point alone is cause for rethinking this.

 

[JoleneBrody]

Being a camgirl does not require that you break any boundaries set beyond just logging on cam, anything beyond just being there is completely optional to camming. These are not relationship issues caused by camming I'm sure, these are relationship issues caused by your relationship.

 

[Picnic]

Shitty situation. From the way your post is phrased, it sounds like it wasn't the greatest or healthiest relationship even before camming came into the picture.

Not sure if you're looking for advice here, or just need to vent, so I will refrain from making any suggestions for now. Either way, sorry to hear about the suckiness.

 

[Underworld02]

Thanks for the responses. I just need to try and communicate with her more. She really tries to avoid any communication about this and changes the subject. We live together and share a bedroom, I agree it was wrong that I peaked in but people act irrationally when they're upset and concerned. And we had rules we agreed on from the beginning and she is breaking them.

 

[Underworld02]

I'd like to hear more about the thoughts of girls losing sexual interest as well because they're drained from camming all day.

 

[Picnic]

She really tries to avoid any communication about this and changes the subject... I agree it was wrong that I peaked in but people act irrationally when they're upset and concerned.

Perhaps she is avoiding communicating about camming exactly because of this?

It can be difficult to communicate with someone who is acting irrationally.

 

[BiancaBaker]

my sex drive only increased from camming so if you worried about her sex drive thats something you should speak to her about. Ive had 2 guys not be okay with my job and ultimately the relationship's ended due to there jealousy and own personal issues with it for whatever reason- my boyfriend now is the most supportive, awesome person ever. A lot of guys cannot handle this type of work- it takes a certain type of person to be in a relationship with a sex worker. I personally would never stop for a guy just like I would never ask my bf to quit his job- thats super unfair. I support myself and I am very happy being a cam girl and clip maker. My boyfriend does not watch me cam, and I think that is something you probably shouldn't do. Communication is the key in any relationship (camming or non camming). Also if you are acting irrational I can understand why she doesn't want to talk to you. Approach her in non threatening, calm voice and talk like an adult. Do not yell, get defensive or degrade her about her job-

 

[CharlotteLace]

I don't think that happens as often as some might think. I'd pick sexy times with a partner over a dildo any day.

Question though. Why do you want to hear from girls who supposedly lose sexual interest in their SOs due to camming? From what you've posted, I really feel like camming isn't to blame for a dead bedroom in your situation.

(I know that'll come out harsh and I don't mean to. If you're looking for something to blame, look at the people involved first, not a job that many people do while in happy relationships.)

 

[Picnic]

Question though. Why do you want to hear from girls who supposedly lose sexual interest in their SOs due to camming? From what you've posted, I really feel like camming isn't to blame for a dead bedroom in your situation.

(I know that'll come out harsh and I don't mean to. If you're looking for something to blame, look at the people involved first, not a job that many people do while in happy relationships.)

I'd love to take a minute here to be completely honest: my sex drive has definitely taken a plunge in the last couple years. I wouldn't say camming is to blame 100% (being on various meds is the highest contributor, actually) but as @Underworld02 mentioned above, some days I'm kind of drained from spending a lot of energy on camming. I'm not exactly dick hungry after a long shift. Long shifts, by the way, do not always involve masturbation or "sexy times". I'm an introvert, so a lot of socialization can drain me.

What does my partner think? My partner is understanding. He is often just as drained from his shift at work, too. We're both working hard to ensure we have a good future together. When we feel as if there's a disconnection going on between us, we discuss it, and try to find ways to solve it together. We actually just talked about this over dinner last night. I told him I felt like we were both SO caught up in working and moving that we weren't having a lot of quality "us" time. He agreed, and we talked a bit about ways we can reconnect once we've settled into the new place.

He has never gotten upset with me if I wasn't in the mood to have sex. Why would he? He's got two hands and knows what to do with his dick to get off. If he wants more sexual attention from me, he knows how to communicate about it in such a way that I don't feel guilty or bad about myself.

Sometimes, sex drives decrease - even if you're a sex worker! It doesn't always mean that a person has lost interest in their partner.

I'm not sure that this is the OP's situation at all, but I just wanted to share. I do hear/read a lot of cam girls saying their sex drive only sky rocketed from camming. I haven't heard too many ladies publicly state that their sex drive isn't as high since they started camming.

 

[MFCGod]

It's a tough one

I can understand both sides to an extent

It's hard sometimes to work out whether a problem you need to externally deal with or internally

The only real standout thing for me is If she was seriously planning on meeting up with someone and didn't tell you about it - but maybe that was just a little fantasy scenario

It doesn't seem like you or she is currently happy in the relationship, I think you need to talk to have an open and honest chat with each other about what you both want

You should both be happy, hopefully you can achieve that together, if not then you should seek it independently.

 

[Underworld02]

I appreciate the open minds of most of you / your responses. Communication is key in a relationship and without that, there's obviously nothing. I believe we had a pretty strong relationship from the beginning and I'm not sure the reasoning behind sone of you saying things didn't sound so good to begin with, that is false. We had a few financial problems that mostly she needed to work on and I was helping support her but would get upset here and there, other than that our relationship was very healthy. The bedroom was never dead before the camming started, that's why I asked the question about girls being drained and their sexual desire after camming all day. I feel like it's affecting my girlfriend and she hasn't denied that it is. I really believe I should stop watching her cam as one of those posts above suggests. And I'm still very open to her doing this type of work if we do work things out. But obviously things need to be sorTed out first. Sorry that my posts may have errors or be vague. I'm at work and typing on a new phone. So I'm not quoting anyone I'm also a new member and my posts have to be aproved before going up.

 

[Teagan]

People can work ANY job and be exhausted after their shift. It's not sex workers only. Some of the most exhausting days I had were waiting tables. The last thing I wanted to do was come home and fuck sometimes. It had nothing to do with anything other than being tired and everyone is entitled to that. Both men and women. Camming is an exhaustive job. It's mental, physical, sexual, and emotional all rolled in to one. Not everyone is cut out for it. Its not necessarily sexual desire is gone but desire to do anything after a hard day is gone after any job.

I actually had an ex try to blame camming both for making him uninterested in me (as a way to try to shame me cause other men got to see me), and try to say I was no longer interested in him cause I stopped initiating (it was cause he would try to shame me but didn't get that ever.) It'd switch back and forth to whichever suited him that day but I never fell for it. It was his insecurities he was trying to put on me and blame me instead of realizing it was him who had the issue alone. He even yelled at me once for someone messaging me to be in porn. I never responded to the person or agreed to do a thing but somehow it was my fault and he treated it like I had and went and made plans to do it and did it. He made huge assumptions no where near true. He would act nuts and then not understand why I would shut down and not speak to him much. Not speaking to him led him to accusing me of more shit and blaming me and so on as I'm sure you can imagine. I hope this isn't what you're doing cause it will lead to no where good. She may of course be leading guys on for money which is messed up and unnecessary but without speaking with her you won't know. And if you act like a controlling man while doing it you will get no where.

So my recommendation if you're gonna bring it up to her is think really hard beforehand what you're gonna say but also WHY you are saying it. Why did you make up these "rules" for her to follow, why do you feel that you have a right to put "rules" on her job, can she do that with you too, why do you feel the way you do about camming, and why are you reacting the way you are. Yes she broke rules and I understand that's messed up but I also know some camgirls think the rules their bfs put on them are stupid and immature so they don't listen. I also know some girls are insecure themselves and get wrapped up in camming way to much and get pressured in to things sometimes too.

 

[Underworld02]

Whether you will believe it or not she suggested the rules to begin with to help open my mins about the idea before she ever started. Because she thought it would be wrong to do a few things on there while being in a relationship.

 

[AerynShade]

I used to give her a hard time for not making enough money

So I let her go on with it. I believe all her sexual time and energy is going into it and there's nothing left for me. She seems exhausted and tired and disinterested now.

Oh boy.
Camming, like any job is tiring.
I would assume most people become disinterested in sex with their SO who gives them a hard time and then spies on them while they're working.

 

[MFCGod]

I'm not sure the reasoning behind sone of you saying things didn't sound so good to begin with, that is false. .

"I used to give her a hard time for not making enough money"

"She always had low self esteem and I believe she's getting addicted to the attention and the easy money."

That along with you saying you have to give permission, giving certain rules, peeking on what she is getting up to etc

This doesn't sound like it would make for a happy relationship on her side

Not saying you're a bad person or anything

Some of these issues seem like your own insecurities and instead of dealing with them internally, you're doing it externally by trying to be controlling, which probably isn't helping

Just my opinion based on what you've said.

 

[Underworld02]

I should take back what I said about peaking on her work. My miscommi

 

[Teagan]

Whether you will believe it or not she suggested the rules to begin with to help open my mins about the idea before she ever started. Because she thought it would be wrong to do a few things on there while being in a relationship.

So she said what she had to in order to work a job she needed to so you would be okay with it and stop telling her to pull her own weight.... Yeah i'm sticking with what I said.

"So my recommendation if you're gonna bring it up to her is think really hard beforehand what you're gonna say but also WHY you are saying it. Why did you make up these "rules" for her to follow, why do you feel that you have a right to put "rules" on her job, can she do that with you too, why do you feel the way you do about camming, and why are you reacting the way you are. Yes she broke rules and I understand that's messed up but I also know some camgirls think the rules their bfs put on them are stupid and immature so they don't listen. I also know some girls are insecure themselves and get wrapped up in camming way to much and get pressured in to things sometimes too."

You need to stop and think about this man. Im not getting on you or her saying you did this and she did that shit. I dont know you. But it's always a good idea to have some time to think about your own self before a serious relationship talk. If you dont look at yourself and your behavior and motivations then dont look at someone elses either. Stop and think...then speak.

 

[Underworld02]

My miscommunication on here about that scenario has taken the wrong turn. I knocked on our bedroom door while it was locked, I didn't know she was camming at the time. She opened the door and in the background I saw the laptop with a guy on the video in the background. I want to make that clear. I'm not sure why I said I was peaking. I was just typing out the situation as quickly as possible while here at work.

 

[Picnic]

I believe we had a pretty strong relationship from the beginning and I'm not sure the reasoning behind sone of you saying things didn't sound so good to begin with, that is false.

A lot of the phrasing of your posts lead me to this conclusion.

"I used to give her a hard time for not making enough money to help out"

Giving your partner a hard time, rather than being a positive influence and being encouraging.

"So I let her go on with [camming]"

Is she not allowed to make her own decisions?

"Girls have the option of opening guys cams on privates, correct? Its not mandatory That they see them?"

What exactly is the harm in her seeing another guy on his cam, though?
If you truly feel like she is going to meet up with a dude and run away with him (as you said you saw in her messages) isn't that a pretty huge sign that she's not a great partner, and maybe not worth your time? But also just the lack of trust here speaks volumes.

By pointing this out, I am not putting all blame on you. Nor am I saying she did nothing wrong here. I really don't know the situation beyond what you've provided.

It's the way you chose to describe the situation that says a lot. Even if you were typing it up in a rush.

In general, sounds like an unhealthy relationship, and it's not anyone's fault. It just doesn't sound supportive.

 

[AmberCutie]

Peaking or knocking, whatever. I understand being curious and a bit insecure when your girlfriend is newly in a job where she shares her sexiness with other dudes. I don't really fault you for that so much, regardless of the exact details of how it happened.

The fact that she made rules and then broke them: I did the same thing when I first started camming. They weren't rules to make my husband feel better, they were just for my own sake. I said I wouldn't penetrate the pussy. BAM first night, I was fingering myself. The excitement/thrill and the money make you suddenly see things differently or momentarily forget your previous boundaries. So there's that.

The being drained/less horny for you afterward: like @PicNic said, it's mostly the social aspect of it that drains me and sometimes leaves me less than horny after a shift. She's undergoing a huge change in her life right now, one in which she's suddenly sharing a personal side of herself with multiple people online. There's going to be an adjustment period. Hopefully you guys can communicate openly during this time without casting blame/having hurt feelings over it.

As far as wanting to meet up with dudes... that's where I think there may be a problem. THAT should be the main point of a serious yet calm conversation with her about it. She needs to work on setting a very hard boundary for herself that no money or positive attention can make her step over. If she enjoys the money and attention, she has to figure out a way to compartmentalize how she responds to it. Money and attention on the cam site should = feels of happy fun yay money, I'm good at this, now let's go hang with my boyfriend because he's REAL and knows the REAL me and this is my LIFE.

 

[Underworld02]

A lot of the phrasing of your posts lead me to this conclusion.

"I used to give her a hard time for not making enough money to help out"

Giving your partner a hard time, rather than being a positive influence and being encouraging.

"So I let her go on with [camming]"

Is she not allowed to make her own decisions?

"Girls have the option of opening guys cams on privates, correct? Its not mandatory That they see them?"

What exactly is the harm in her seeing another guy on his cam, though?
If you truly feel like she is going to meet up with a dude and run away with him (as you said you saw in her messages) isn't that a pretty huge sign that she's not a great partner, and maybe not worth your time?

I'm not saying she did nothing wrong here, because I really don't know the situation.

It's the way you chose to describe the situation that says a lot. Even if you were typing it up in a rush. See what I'm saying?

I do. And I've Described things VERY poorly On here. I'll be back this evening after doing more thinking and put together a more thought out post. I've been a very supportive boyfriend and I help her out so much. It's hard to understand someone's scenario and relationship from a few paragraphs of text online. She wanted my okay before she started which is why I worded that I let her go on with camming. She didn't want to do it at all to begin with if it was some thing I wasnot ok with and she wasn't positive if she was okay with it either. It took her a lot of thinking before she ever got online the first time. A lot of you seemed lost and confused and think this is an okay job that anyone can do. It definitely takes a certain type of person to perform this work. (Not in a bad way)

 

[Underworld02]

Peaking or knocking, whatever. I understand being curious and a bit insecure when your girlfriend is newly in a job where she shares her sexiness with other dudes. I don't really fault you for that so much, regardless of the exact details of how it happened.

The fact that she made rules and then broke them: I did the same thing when I first started camming. They weren't rules to make my husband feel better, they were just for my own sake. I said I wouldn't penetrate the pussy. BAM first night, I was fingering myself. The excitement/thrill and the money make you suddenly see things differently or momentarily forget your previous boundaries. So there's that.

The being drained/less horny for you afterward: like @PicNic said, it's mostly the social aspect of it that drains me and sometimes leaves me less than horny after a shift. She's undergoing a huge change in her life right now, one in which she's suddenly sharing a personal side of herself with multiple people online. There's going to be an adjustment period. Hopefully you guys can communicate openly during this time without casting blame/having hurt feelings over it.

As far as wanting to meet up with dudes... that's where I think there may be a problem. THAT should be the main point of a serious yet calm conversation with her about it. She needs to work on setting a very hard boundary for herself that no money or positive attention can make her step over. If she enjoys the money and attention, she has to figure out a way to compartmentalize how she responds to it. Money and attention on the cam site should = feels of happy fun yay money, I'm good at this, now let's go hang with my boyfriend because he's REAL and knows the REAL me and this is my LIFE.

Best response yet. Thank you for your words. This is my last post for now until I can type out more thoughts on a computer at home.

 

[Picnic]

I do. And I've Described things VERY poorly On here... A lot of you seemed lost and confused and think this is an okay job that anyone can do. It definitely takes a certain type of person to perform this work. (Not in a bad way)

I guess I can agree with the first part quoted here, but when did anyone say this was a job that "anyone" could do? Or that it's easy? I think you described it as "easy money."

@AmberCutie definitely nailed it!

 

[Lacie]

I have tried camming before and it wasn't the ideal thing for me at that point.My husband also had some problems with me camming in the past, so for our relationship, i left camming area.
Since that we had a lot of talking and we decided it's ok for us if i try it again.Now he is verry suportive and understanding and he's always helping me with different stuff.
I think it's best for a couple to discuss this before one of them goes online.There may be things that can bother you partner, so try to be able to openly discuss it and reach to some limits/agreements/do's and don'ts and so on.
In my opinion camming can be "open minding" for some (for ex for me), and since i first went online i didn't change (or not in a bad way).

Try to trust her!She might lie to you in order for you to be ok with her camming.And this is a thing you should understand and not feel uncomfortable wirh.There might be moments when you ask her something about her online time spent and she will have to keep some answers for her.
And yes, communication is everything!

 

[gingerhobbit]

A lot of the phrasing of your posts lead me to this conclusion.

"I used to give her a hard time for not making enough money to help out"

Giving your partner a hard time, rather than being a positive influence and being encouraging.

"So I let her go on with [camming]"

Is she not allowed to make her own decisions?

This.

The same things jumped out at me...your use of the phrase "gave her the okay" and "let her go on with it." That, plus the fact that you were the primary earner in the house, makes me think maybe there is an off-balance power dynamic or control issue going on. Is it possible her behavior is just a reaction to feeling controlled?

 

[Ann_Sulu]

Not to be mean, but I feel you may have a problem translating emotions into words. I feel she likely has the same problem.

I'd say two things need to happen:

1) Motivate her, and make sure the things you say are positive. A lot of what you've said sounds like whether you mean to or not, you're likely sending feelings of negative emotions to her. This will eventually lead to one or both of you becoming paranoid to even talk over things, and eventually either a worse relationship in general or breaking up all together.

2) It sounds like things are getting/already were shaky in the bedroom. It sounds like she doesn't know what she's into for sure, and is perhaps trying to use camming as a source of experimentation as well. Honestly, I wouldn't be worried about it, but I would try to ease her into talking about things she might be into...or even trying new things. She may be afraid to express anything for fear of rejection/shame, so please don't laugh at what she says she likes. I wouldn't pry into what you "catch" her doing while she cams either. That will only make her feel worse about it. Maybe talk to her about different things in regards to her maybe wanting to incorporate them into her shows. She may wonder at first, but will likely enjoy you helping her.

 

[JoleneBrody]

Try to trust her!She might lie to you in order for you to be ok with her camming.And this is a thing you should understand and not feel uncomfortable wirh.There might be moments when you ask her something about her online time spent and she will have to keep some answers for her.
And yes, communication is everything!

I feel like this is the worst advice ever. Lying is not communicating, lying is lying.

Honesty is the path, not lying! Dating in the adult industry is a form of non monogamy and the #1 rule to a successful non monogamous relationship is honesty!

 

[MFCGod]

I feel like this is the worst advice ever. Lying is not communicating, lying is lying.

Honesty is the path, not lying! Dating in the adult industry is a form of non monogamy and the #1 rule to a successful non monogamous relationship is honesty!

Lying is obviously far from ideal, but I do think the reason behind the lie is important

Are they lying to protect you, rather than to protect themselves, if that makes sense.

If your partner doesn't feel they can be open with you because they're scared how you will react, that's also a failing on your part

If you make it scary to be honest, you should come to expect being lied to.

Again, this is all far from what's ideal, but I don't feel like all the blame can be placed on the person lying's shoulders in certain situations.