Camgirl Girlfriend of 4 Months will not reveal her Online Identity to me...

[Green Illumination]

My Situation: I met a girl around 4 months ago and we had great chemistry right from the start. She looks really great, is super sexy, witty, very caring and all in all just a very nice person to be around. She is also very social and easily gets along with people which I like about her a lot as well.

After our third date she told me that she had been working as a cam girl for several years and so I knew it right from the start. I really did not mind because this work is purely online and she never met any of her clients in real life and would never cross that line. I also absolutely beliver her that. I also work from home online as an online marketer and so I get it that it is great to make above average money while working from home. In a certain way I am also proud of her knowing that only I get to have what other men pay a lot for to have just an illusion of.

I can also tell that she must be quite a successful camgirl because she can afford lots of fancy stuff and even supports her mother financially a 100% who does not work and even her brother who seems to be having financial difficulties here and there as well.

I myself have never used any services of caming websites to this date but I might visit some porn sites every now and then to get myself off.

She openly told me about what kind of shows she is doing: What kind of dildo she uses to get tokens for vibrations, that she is doing one-on-one sessions with private clients where she can even see the other person via cam. That she even has like 4 or 5 guys who are madly in love with her and really hope to be her boyfriend one day. How she strings them along giving them a little bit of hope here and there that maybe one day it could work out but ultimately having to ditch the guy if he becomes too pressing and makes plans to meet her up. Then describing the circle where some guys leave her for a couple of months when they realize that they will never have a real relationship with her but come back months later to see her again because they just like her so much.

All of that I get and it is a business. I also found it very honest from her side to tell me all of that.

The only thing she will not reveal is her online identity. I have never seen any public show of hers and I would not know how to find her and on which website. Also, she probably has a country block for the country we are living in so that it would be hard to find her anyways. I have spent maybe 1 hour looking for her profile online but have not found it so far but to be honest I did not put a great amount of effort into it and did not even care that much for it.

But now, our relationship is intensifying and I really love her and I think that she loves me, too. She told me that she will not reveal her online identity ever because she is afraid that if we ever were to break up I could potentially use that information to shame her publicly and do all kind of damage to her by letting other people know what she does and where she can be found online.

Now, I get her perspective for sure. On the other hand, if we ever were to break up I am convinced that I would just walk away and never do any of that kind of nasty stuff. I never left any relationship in my life badmouthing a person or spreading bad energy. I am just not that kind of guy.

And then I think to myself that there is some level of trust missing between us if she would not even let me see how she works online. She also told me that another reason that she does not want to reveal her online identity to me is that she thinks that if I were to see it I might change my mind about her. I told her that I do not think that this would be the case after all she desribed to me and how she does her public shows with a lot of style. And even if this should be the case, then I think it would be better knowing that I am really not comfortable having a girlfriend like that.

When I talked with her about that issue she told me that she would only reveal her online identity to the man she marries and that she simply cannot give her online identity to a boyfriend of 4 months.

Now that our relationship is intensifying and I can even imagine her as a real long term hold I more and more feel like she should really let me see her online. Just so I know I can trust her and she is not hiding anything. Otherwise I feel that this will really become an issue between us although she is telling me quite some details about her work and I am not having any problem with it.

Thus, my question to you girs: Do you think it is reasonable from my side to insist more on her letting me know her online identity? Last time we talked about it she seemed pretty adamant about not revealing her online identity to me and I was fine with it. But sooner or later this is gonna be an issue for me. Also, is it really justified to keep that part of her identity 100% hidden from me if I am her committed boyfriend who is only with her? What would you do in my situation?

Sorry, if that text is a mess but I just had to get that out.

 

[SaffronBurke]

You don't need to know her model name. Enough models have had seemingly-normal significant others who turned shitty after a breakup, that I would definitely advise against it.

 

[Worship Jaclyn]

She is not being unreasonable but neither are you. I would tell her that you understand where she is coming from but that in time you would need to know her identity for the relationship to progress. That you feel it's an issue of trust. Tell her that you feel you do need to know but that the timetable is up to her, whenever she is ready.

I would do the same thing if I were her, hiding that shit until I was with someone I was going to marry but if it's an issue for you then you're entitled to that. Unfortunately it's a very difficult situation so the best thing you can do is be honest with her about how her job and her hiding it makes you feel.

 

[Serenity_Tam]

I have spent maybe 1 hour looking for her profile online

If I EVER found out someone I was dating did this I would dump their booty so damn fast. Relationships are built on trust. You have no reason not to trust what she says. the one who is not trusting is you. It sounds like she told you all the relevant information, knowing her cam name would give you nothing more, except as saffron mentioned potential safety issues for her. If you couldn't communicate your feelings to her but could look behind her back in an obvious violation of her trust and post your issue on a forum instead of chatting with her perhaps you should think about your ability to communicate.

Why if you trust her and support her would you need to see her shows? The gal she is online probably isn't the same gal you know, it could potentially bring up more issues for you than you would want - wondering if shes using you, faking, etc. It seems like she told you everything. I am defs in the camp of never letting someone I date see my online persona directly.

It sounds like you aren't the kind of person who can date a cam girl and perhaps you should let her move on - I feel like often people come here with one trust issue in a relationship that ends up spiraling into more and more because they just aren't the kind of person who can date a sex worker. Which is not a jab in anyway because not everyone can handle a relationship with a sex worker.

 

[AudriTwo]

Respect her boundaries. Your relationship is still new and she's not ready to tell you. She will tell you when she is ready. But what if you get all psycho and dox her? She has to protect herself because people be crazy.

If I was dating someone who tried to find me on their own, I'd break up with them. So cut that shit out.

 

[Mintx]

I completely understand where she is coming from. No matter how great the relationship, say you even get married and have kids down the line, you could still (or even your family) try to ruin her life with her cam identity. You might say that there's no way in hell you would ever do that to her, but there's no way to make sure that happens.

It isn't your business. She isn't your property, her online persona is not your business, and if she's made it clear (verbally or not) that she doesn't want you in that part of her life... why try to sneak past that trust she's putting in you by looking for her online behind her back??

 

[ExcellaExe]

I agree that if she's telling you she isn't comfortable with informing you of her cam-handle yet, you need to respect her wishes. Our safety is our top priority, and it's so easy for us to get outed or doxxed. You might not feel you would do something regrettable, but I've seen otherwise logical, reasonable people in my life turn into the most unkind people. You probably won't, but that's what we have to think about every time we date someone. So, I think while you definitely have a right to feel hurt that she hasn't told you yet-your emotions are always valid-her safety and her emotions are as well.

I, personally, wouldn't tell someone my handle and sites until I was married, either, or at the very least engaged. Respect her boundaries.

Oh, also, stop searching for her. That's a BIG invasion of privacy and if I ever found out someone I was dating did that to me, I'd break up with them.

 

[BiancaBaker]

Okay so honestly I do see where she is coming from. I have had an ex harass me and honestly I never thought he would. I wouldn't wait until I was married but I could see where she is coming from and if she has had issues w/ guys doxxing her in the past. You have only been together 4 months so give her time. I don't understand why you need to know anyways? If you trust her then thats all that should matter.

Agree with all the other ladies.. STOP looking for her that's creepy and if she finds out you disrespected her limits she will probably leave you. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that.

 

[Zana]

Tbh I would never tell a s/o that type of information, maybe after marriage but even then I probably wouldn’t. 1. They don’t need to know 2. That would make me super uncomfortable because I would feel like they’re watching my every move.

If someone I was dating started searching for me and making a big deal out of me not telling them/not respect that, it would be 1000% over.

 

[KitanaKim]

She's actually a secret government spy and she's using her cam persona as a cover up for her real double agent life so you don't snoop. If you do find out, you'll die.

 

[JoleneBrody]

Look at this thread. You blabbed about a TON of unnecessary personal details of her model/client relationships and it wasn't even related to your question. She shared shit with you and you blabbed... you aren't ready.
Youve been dating 4 months. That's nothing. You have a lot of shit to learn and figure out before you are going to be trustworthy with such a dangerous bit of info.

 

[CoffeeKnight]

Okay so I'm not in the best of moods at the moment so I might come off as a bit harsh, but dude don't be an insecure jerk. You don't need to know her online name unless you are planning to check in on her. And she has no obligation to tell you anything she doesn't want to tell you. Those reasons she gave for not wanting a boyfriend/SO to know her online name are very real and many women have had their lives hurt by exes with that kind of information on them.

Sounds like she has already been quite honest with you in a short amount of time. Appreciate that for what it is. If this is going to be an issue for you going into the future (as you said it might) then end the relationship now. You are just wasting her time if that is the case. Let her move on and find someone that will fully respect her boundaries and wishes if you can't/won't.

 

[yummybrownfox]

This is just one of many reasons that I do not want a boyfriend. Lol. This whole ‘feeling entitled to have all the details about her work/being able to access her chat and profile whenever I want because I’m her man’ thing.

Some folks prefer to keep work separate from their personal home/love life, and want to be loved and appreciated for who they are. Like George Constanza said...”WORLDS COLLIDE!!!” (Not a good thing). Lol.

I wouldn’t want to feel like a boyfriend is spying on me (wanting to see me in action), and then have to deal with comments like “That’s so hot. Why don’t you do all that naughty stuff with ME when we’re together?” Sooo...we’re making this all about you now, huh? Well isn’t that just...great. Lol.

You seem like a nice guy. Be glad that she was truthful with you about her online work, and respect the fact that she does not wish to have you having access to her camming chat room/world. Sometimes I even debate with myself on whether or not it’s best to just tell people “I work from home doing online live chat/customer service,” (But inquisitive people will just keep hounding with questions).

I have a photographer friend (A person who knows my real name and where I live...I don’t give in-real-life folks like that access to my cam world...I’m not comfortable having them there, and I will not apologize for it)...who I recently told that I cam, and already he’s texted me a few times so far suggesting that he maybe take a look at my room/profiles to see if he can offer any help or advice (or do a photo shoot for that purpose). I’ve kindly told him each time no, thank you, and to please stop bringing it up.

Years ago I stopped talking to/hangin’ out with a “friend” of mine before, over this whole “Why won’t you tell me the name of the site and your screen name?” stuff, because he had the nerve to get offended that I wouldn’t give him the info. Dude found me on MFC anyway (pretty sure he went LOOKING for me), and started calling me by my in-real-life nickname in public chat, and MFC mailing me reminiscing about the days when he hung out with me and my son. Never tipped. *eye roll* It had me a bit shook, and I started blocking my state.

 

[CoffeeKnight]

This is just one of many reasons that I do not want a boyfriend. Lol. This whole ‘feeling entitled to have all the details about her work/being able to access her chat and profile whenever I want because I’m her man’ thing.

Some folks prefer to keep work separate from their personal home/love life, and want to be loved and appreciated for who they are. Like George Constanza said...”WORLDS COLLIDE!!!” (Not a good thing). Lol.

The Seinfeld reference made me legitimately smile in real life, thank you. Sorry you had to put up with people like that. I don't know why guys have to act that way.

I do a very basic vanilla job but even I know to keep business and personal lives separate. My number one rule is never date customers because it always gets messy and both lives suffer in the long run. Camming amps that up to 1000 I would imagine.

 

[Dan Epstein]

Focus on finding out what food, colors, movies and books she likes, that's way more important than you knowing her stage name. What do I know, I'm just an old school anyway.

 

[Phoenix4987]

At least she was honest with you about what she does, but I can't lie that would bother the shit out of me too. I could let it go for some time because I get the girl's point of view. I wouldn't want to keep pressuring her to tell me because her job isn't the most important thing in the relationship. But if at some point she just refused to ever trust me with that information, because that's what it is just a test of trust, then I wouldn't allow it to continue.

For your sake though, it doesn't make you look trustworthy at all to go snooping for information that isn't given to you freely. So, just try to keep it cool and not obsess over the minor detail or it's going to fuck everything up. Trust me, it will fuck. everything. up. I've got....something...so I understand the burning desire to satisfy your curiosity but it's not worth it.

"Hey babe, So MermaidAngel is your MFC name? Why couldn't you just tell me?" isn't how you want that conversation to go.

 

[AmberCutie]

Look at this thread. You blabbed about a TON of unnecessary personal details of her model/client relationships and it wasn't even related to your question. She shared shit with you and you blabbed... you aren't ready.
Youve been dating 4 months. That's nothing. You have a lot of shit to learn and figure out before you are going to be trustworthy with such a dangerous bit of info.

The most excellent of points.

 

[n_i_c_u]

Also, is it really justified to keep that part of her identity 100% hidden from me if I am her committed boyfriend who is only with her?

It's a job. Realize that, support her emotionally, be kind. Treasure every minute you have with someone that likes you and treats you well. Merry Christmas.

 

[Mara_Jayne]

Haven't had a chance to look over the replies here so sorry if this was said already.

When you start dating someone who works at an office as a secretary or manager or whatever (it truly doesn't matter) do you request to visit them at their place of work? Because that is what you are doing. Finding her online profile and visiting her shows is going to her place of work.

She showed a ton of trust already with revealing as much as she did. If and when SHE decides it's okay to give you the information to potentially destroy her sense of safety and even her career then that's great but it is entirely up to her. If you can't handle being patient then you need to rethink some things. She obviously wants to trust you but it's only been 4 months. I've watched models who've been married for years have their relationship fall apart and the guy turns on her using all that info he accumulated over the years to tear her life apart so of course she's cautious about what she reveals to someone she's only been with for such a short time. Again it's only been 4 months. What's that in relationship speak? Honey moon stage maybe? Wait till the puppy love to chill out and see if you two can still stand each other first. Enjoy your time together and let things come naturally when you are both ready she just might reveal everything to you.

 

[Gen]

You don't need to know her online name unless you are planning to check in on her.

This. She doesn’t want you watching, hence why she doesn’t tell you, and then you snooped anyway. You proved she was right to keep it a secret.

Four months is not a lot of time. Most people don’t start dating someone thinking “I’m gonna hate this chick in a year and doxx her”. We have all seen (or personally experienced) breakups that end with Mr Nice Guy turning out to be a petty, malicious douchebag. If you care about her and her wellbeing, do what makes her comfortable, or breakup with her if you think it’s unreasonable. But don’t snoop or guilt trip her for having bohndaries.

 

[_pilya_]

Looks like she is really into you with the information she has shared. She trusted you enough, and she gave you a time frame when she will tell you, if you really want to know, ASK her to Marry you. If you are not ready then dont continue this road of asking around and pointing out what she tells you in private...---

"How she strings them along giving them a little bit of hope here and there that maybe one day it could work out but ultimately having to ditch the guy if he becomes too pressing and makes plans to meet her up"

--All she needs now is some of her guest to read this post and see a "little" info that connects to her, and that customer/ model relationship is ruined. Oh wait, it doesn't even have to be her and her customer, it could be anyone of the models.
So man-up, and enjoy the time with her, trust her like she trusts you, just remember you had a choice to stay with her or leave her when she told you this bit of information. And if YOU are ready for the next step and really wants to know, she told you the answer on how to get that info from her.

 

[DejaElectra]

As someone who's been outed by an ex who was also my best friend for years, I don't fucking blame her. Just because you think you'll be a "nice guy" if you break up doesn't mean she does. It's only been 4 months dude, chill. I've known my fiancé for 5 years and he's never asked me what my cam name is.

Judging by the way you wrote your post I sense some serious jealousy issues and think you're probably not cut out to date a cam girl. It's not for everyone.

Also searching for her online when she clearly didn't want you to find her? Creepy. What were you going to do when you found her? Tell her you know her cam name and site? If she had half her wits about her she'd dump your crazy ass on the spot.

 

[CoffeeKnight]

As someone who's been outed by an ex who was also my best friend for years, I don't fucking blame her. Just because you think you'll be a "nice guy" if you break up doesn't mean she does. It's only been 4 months dude, chill. I've known my fiancé for 5 years and he's never asked me what my cam name is.

Judging by the way you wrote your post I sense some serious jealousy issues and think you're probably not cut out to date a cam girl. It's not for everyone.

Also searching for her online when she clearly didn't want you to find her? Creepy. What were you going to do when you found her? Tell her you know her cam name and site? If she had half her wits about her she'd dump your crazy ass on the spot.

I really hope she has an account here, sees his post, and figures out who he is. The irony of that is just too good.

 

[OldHippy]

Just so I know I can trust her and she is not hiding anything. Otherwise I feel that this will really become an issue between us

You really need to think about what you are doing with her. Firstly 4 months is nothing in a relationship, you are really only just starting to get to know each other. Now if you are going to make it another 8 months together you are really going to have to figure this trust thing out. You either trust her and accept her, without needing her to give you prove or you end things now and avoid a lot of heart ache down the line, it really is that simple.

 

[JickyJuly]

I've been married to my husband for a decade, and he's never been in my online camroom. You have her in real life. You don't need to watch her work, and she never has to trust you with her work information. She sounds smart and successful. If you can't respect her boundaries, leave her be. Probably make sure she never sees this thread too. If she's protective enough not to give you her online info, she will not like what you've done here.

 

[HiGirlsRHot]

I agree with everyone that 4 months is not nearly long enough for you to start worrying about. Come back in a year or so if it still bothering you.
That said I do think trust goes both ways, people are entitled to know what the partner's job is before committing to a long-term relationship.

Imagine you started dating a guy who says he works for the Navy. You've been dating for a while and tells you that he is job is top secret and can't talk about. I think most woman would pretty curious about more details.

You do a bit of googling and you find he could be
A. Navy intelligence officer, meaning he is mostly going to have 9-5 job and even if gets deployed he is unlikely to be killed.
B. A Navy drone pilot, safe job, but you may not be able to live with somebody who is responsible for killing babies and innocent civilians.
C. A Navy SEAL, a super dangerous job, and you'll spend nights and weeks worry about him for many years to come.

Now she has already told you a lot about her job, certainly more than the Navy guy in my example. But down the road, there may be things that you find out that camgirls do that make you uncomfortable and the two of you will have to work out.

 

[AmberCutie]

I agree with everyone that 4 months is not nearly long enough for you to start worrying about. Come back in a year or so if it still bothering you.
That said I do think trust goes both ways, people are entitled to know what the partner's job is before committing to a long-term relationship.

Imagine you started dating a guy who says he works for the Navy. You've been dating for a while and tells you that he is job is top secret and can't talk about. I think most woman would pretty curious about more details.

You do a bit of googling and you find he could be
A. Navy intelligence officer, meaning he is mostly going to have 9-5 job and even if gets deployed he is unlikely to be killed.
B. A Navy drone pilot, safe job, but you may not be able to live with somebody who is responsible for killing babies and innocent civilians.
C. A Navy SEAL, a super dangerous job, and you'll spend nights and weeks worry about him for many years to come.

Now she has already told you a lot about her job, certainly more than the Navy guy in my example. But down the road, there may be things that you find out that camgirls do that make you uncomfortable and the two of you will have to work out.

While I agree that the OP needs to back off the inquiries at least for a while, I will also agree with the above. When you're personally involved with someone, it will really start to wear on you if you have curiosities about their work. No matter what the industry, be it military, sex work or other.

I can see both sides of this situation.

 

[Guy]

You have a lot of shit to learn and figure out before you are going to be trustworthy with such a dangerous bit of info.

The sad reality is that a lot of people are not aware that legal sex work is still stigmatized. Before I joined this forum, I was one of them. Before then, I thought that outside of conservative Christian communites/areas, stigma and doxxing against people in porn\camming was a thing of the past and long gone. I was shocked when I learned the truth. My co-workers and mentors were also shocked when I told them about it.

 

[Mara_Jayne]

Another thing to add to my previous reply. You may be a great guy who could never see himself hurting someone he cares about. You are that now and I hope that nothing like a relationship turning sour will change that. I'm sure she's a fantastic gal and so far she is very trusting. You said you'd never use such sensitive info to hurt her but What if something in like a year happens that leaves you jaded and festering with revenge? We all THINK we know how we'll act in a situation but truthfully we never really know until it actually happens.

Just remember that she is putting a lot of faith in you with all she shares as of now. I'm sure she is hoping beyond hope she's trusting the right guy but is choosing, wisely, to play it safe.

We'd all love to be able to share and be open with everyone else about our work but like mentioned above it's not always taken very well and when your personal safety plays a huge part in it you have no choice but to play it safe.

It's not bad that you are curious. What's not be be curious about? Just respect her boundaries. Maybe ask if she could visit a site with you and watch a model together. It could be a nice bonding experience. Or go out there and do your own visiting of other models. Of course each model does things their own way but at least you have an idea with out pushing your girlfriend into a corner.

 

[SecurityResearcher]

Look at this thread. You blabbed about a TON of unnecessary personal details of her model/client relationships and it wasn't even related to your question. She shared shit with you and you blabbed...

This ^^^ can't have enough "Likes" for my tastes.

OP, I've been writing about side-channel information leaks in another thread, and Jolene and _pilya_ have already given you some examples of how your post is TMI.

I think everybody is still sugar-coating it for you. Your girlfriend isn't just a cam model, she's a very successful cam model. That means she has a large fan base. 82% of those fans are genuine, stable, well adjusted folks. About 18% of the U.S. population suffers from some form of mental illness. Most of those fans are gentle, too. But ... at least one of her fans has an unhealthy stalker-crush on her.

If that fan ever learns her real name, or location, there is a very real chance that he will try to kill her.

Think of it like this: she is a Cold War secret agent. That fan is the assassin of a KGB team trying to learn her secret identity.

You know her secret identity, the location of her safe house, the operational defenses she has -- everything that KGB team needs to know.

If you fuck this up, she may not get to dump your ass.

So, cherish and treasure the trust she has shown in you ... by respecting her boundaries and keeping the fact that she is a cam model as your secret.