I cam in disguise. Should I tell my new partner I moonlight as a cam girl?

[Trixxi_Love]

Sorry to hear this. Ghosting is always horrible to experience. I guess for some people they just cannot accept things once they hear 'sex work'. But I was feeling like the protagonist in Edgar Allan Poe's The Tell Tale Heart...it was wighing so heavily upon me every day. I can't carry secrets at all and I knew that it would come out at some point....my family all know (and are cool with it), and all it would take was one slip at a family do, because they can't keep secrets either, lol....and then that would be it. Then I would have the double whammy of explaining why I didnt tell him/hid it and the shock of the scales falling from his eyes when he sees that I have a double life of sorts.

x

I am glad you were brave, I felt similar with my desire to be sincere because I am a very bad liar. Ultimately if someone doesn’t accept ANY part of you it’s better to know sooner and take the time to move on. Even though it’s sucks learning that way I’m proud and hope it makes way for someone who could love you for ALL of you. I’m glad your mate was honest and I do hope with time he possibly changes his mind - who knows how you would feel about him by then though ?

 

[Deleted member 57880]

I am glad you were brave, I felt similar with my desire to be sincere because I am a very bad liar. Ultimately if someone doesn’t accept ANY part of you it’s better to know sooner and take the time to move on. Even though it’s sucks learning that way I’m proud and hope it makes way for someone who could love you for ALL of you. I’m glad your mate was honest and I do hope with time he possibly changes his mind - who knows how you would feel about him by then though ?

Thank you for such a lovely response. Yes, it is better to know and I am starting to ponder how I would feel if he did change his mind. I would rather someone who did accept it. He might come round soon, but if not, it was not meant to be.

 

[MarieElise]

I'm glad Audri brought up doxxing. In a perfect world then it would be nice to be as honest and upfront about camming as soon as possible. However, there are lots of models who have been stalked and doxxed by people who they were dating casually after they let the cat out of the bag.

I let my current boyfriend know on our first official date, but that was only because a) I knew him as a friend first for several months, and had already had his psyche under the microscope and figured out that he was very liberal in his views, and b) because before I told him our first date had consisted of us drinking wine and watching a documentary about swingers (which was my suggestion, so I could see if he freaked out at people living a more sexually open lifestyle, or said anything judgemental, closed-minded or rude about it - which he did not).

Anyway, I hope things work out Autumn, and he comes around. If not there are plenty of hot men who will be OK with it.
Especially when they realize it takes the pressure off of them to support a woman if she can reliably and consistently do her own thing and support herself. Some men find that really attractive. Another attractive selling point of it, is the freedom it allows for travel. Because we can cam anywhere that has an internet connection. That was another part of it that made me really attractive to him, because he loves to travel, and doesn't want to be with someone who would hinder that/ not be able to join him.

 

[Deleted member 57880]

I'm glad Audri brought up doxxing. In a perfect world then it would be nice to be as honest and upfront about camming as soon as possible. However, there are lots of models who have been stalked and doxxed by people who they were dating casually after they let the cat out of the bag.

I let my current boyfriend know on our first official date, but that was only because a) I knew him as a friend first for several months, and had already had his psyche under the microscope and figured out that he was very liberal in his views, and b) because before I told him our first date had consisted of us drinking wine and watching a documentary about swingers (which was my suggestion, so I could see if he freaked out at people living a more sexually open lifestyle, or said anything judgemental, closed-minded or rude about it - which he did not).

Anyway, I hope things work out Autumn, and he comes around. If not there are plenty of hot men who will be OK with it.
Especially when they realize it takes the pressure off of them to support a woman if she can reliably and consistently do her own thing and support herself. Some men find that really attractive. Another attractive selling point of it, is the freedom it allows for travel. Because we can cam anywhere that has an internet connection. That was another part of it that made me really attractive to him, because he loves to travel, and doesn't want to be with someone who would hinder that/ not be able to join him.

I love the sound of your relationship! I would love a guy into travel. Funnily enough, this one isn't at all into travel. Perhaps that in itself is indicative of us holding different values and wants.

It's horrific that models' lives can be ruined upon telling people what they do- the stigma of this industry and the lengths some people go to to expose models being very real risks. I really hope this guy is not going to end up making my life difficult (although I don't think so, but you just can never tell with someone you don;t know that well yet).

Thabk you for your reply. Your situation sounds awesome and it's made me hopeful there will be a hot man in future who also enjoys the freedoms that come with what I do! x

 

[nightwish]

 

[Deleted member 59611]

Thank you! I decided not to wait to do it in person because I don't drive and would be stranded over the weekend with no way to get home at his house if things went badly face to face. He lives quite far from me. You just don't know how someone will react and I was worried I could be kicked out of his house and be stuck. I decided text would let him digest it and also ensure I am safely in the confines of my own house (slobbing about in my PJs today ). Let's hope he does come round but if not, life goes on and summer is on the way . Anyway thank you, lovely!

Yep. Good call. Could have been problematic. The world feels more at ease when in PJ's don't you find?
I shouldn't really admit to it but just been sitting in mine watching celeb bake off . Living my best life.
Keeping my fingers crossed for you hun but you're spot on with that attitude. Its easy to forget sometimes that life does indeed go on and you never know what the future holds

 

[Deleted member 57880]

 

[Deleted member 57880]

Sorry if that was over sharing...I'm not sure things are going to work out after all .
Oh dear. Oh well.

 

[MarieElise]

Sorry if that was over sharing...I'm not sure things are going to work out after all .
Oh dear. Oh well.

It's a bit of a dramatic few texts. Once people get out of the emotional part of their brains, and emotional reactions to things, they tend to think more rationally. Maybe once he calms down and thinks things through, he will change his mind. It seems like he's really emotional right now, but that shouldn't last once the shock of finding it out wears off. Also once people have a chance to get horny because they have been without sex a while, it's amazing how differently they can think about the same relationship "issues" lol.

 

[Deleted member 57880]

It's a bit of a dramatic few texts. Once people get out of the emotional part of their brains, and emotional reactions to things, they tend to think more rationally. Maybe once he calms down and thinks things through, he will change his mind. It seems like he's really emotional right now, but that shouldn't last once the shock of finding it out wears off. Also once people have a chance to get horny because they have been without sex a while, it's amazing how differently they can think about the same relationship "issues" lol.

Ha ha thank you!! Yes, he's definitely in shock and rather emotional. I have to admit I did a bit of an eye roll when I read these texts and thought 'what a bloody martyr'. Let's see what happens, and I am actually thinking I would only be down to have a very casual friends with benefits set up with him anyway, if he came round. None of this emotional stuff. Then I would still be free to travel once the world opens up, wheras he can't due to familial commitments, and wanted me to give up my nomadic lifestyle. This could actually work out pretty well, who knows?

 

[Deleted member 59611]

Sorry if that was over sharing...I'm not sure things are going to work out after all .
Oh dear. Oh well.

You did the right thing hun and you put yourself first which is great . A lot of people would have ditched camming but then ended up in a resentful relationship.
He needs to find a way to accept and trust. I mean isn't that the foundation of a good relationship anyway? If not, then maybe he's not the guy for you.

 

[MarieElise]

I have to admit I did a bit of an eye roll when I read these texts and thought 'what a bloody martyr'.

Me too. I laughed and then I felt really guilty for laughing at him. I couldn't help it though What's next..is he gonna be outside your window at 3 am with a guitar or banjo or whatever, and a rose between his teeth?

None of this emotional stuff. Then I would still be free to travel once the world opens up, wheras he can't due to familial commitments

You may have dodged a major bullet here! Maybe I'm just a suspicious person, but the level of emotion seems a bit excessive. Sometimes I take that as a red flag. I could be wrong though.
My hope is that this isn't an attempt at a power grab on his part. I'm sure it's not, but hopefully, he isn't trying to manipulate you into dropping camming and begging around his ankles to come back. I'm probably imagining that part though. Well, I hope I am.

 

[Deleted member 57880]

You did the right thing hun and you put yourself first which is great . A lot of people would have ditched camming but then ended up in a resentful relationship.
He needs to find a way to accept and trust. I mean isn't that the foundation of a good relationship anyway? If not, then maybe he's not the guy for you.

Yes, I feel proud that I don't feel ashamed nor am saying to him: 'but if you don't like it, I can stop....'. Nope. Absolutely not! I did tell someone I went on a couple of dates with laast year (Jan/Feb 2020) and he was conversely so accepting and supportive, and never questioned me about it, nor made it about him etc. We never got off the ground as at the time I went to live in Lisbon for a few months, so I wasn't around. But it just goes to show, there will be another guy one day who says: 'Cool, it doesn't change the way I see you, good for you!' like this other guy.
I am looking forward to freedom, travel and yes, camming as much as my heart desires

 

[Deleted member 57880]

Me too. I laughed and then I felt really guilty for laughing at him. I couldn't help it though What's next..is he gonna be outside your window at 3 am with a guitar or banjo or whatever, and a rose between his teeth?


You may have dodged a major bullet here! Maybe I'm just a suspicious person, but the level of emotion seems a bit excessive. Sometimes I take that as a red flag. I could be wrong though.
My hope is that this isn't an attempt at a power grab on his part. I'm sure it's not, but hopefully, he isn't trying to manipulate you into dropping camming and begging around his ankles to come back. I'm probably imagining that part though. Well, I hope I am.

I also felt there were red flags! Definitely, and I laughed! 'Killing me inside' FFS, dude. If he goes all emo and Petrarchan lover on me, and starts wailing outside, I will get out the garden hose I think. Funnily enough, my lady boner for him seems to be disappearing....and there is absolutely no way I would give up camming. Nor feel ashamed of it. I find any sulking or feeling sorry for oneself just is a turn off for me. Chest pains and killing him inside. Dude, I would get it if we were married and I hid this from you, or I had cheated on you down the line, but we have been dating inceedibly slowly for like just under two months....

Just makes me more determined to cam and go travelling in future!

 

[MarieElise]

Funnily enough, my lady boner for him seems to be disappearing....

Exactly. Well said.

 

[yummybrownfox]

You could always bring up something related to sex work and gauge his reaction to it. OnlyFans is still a pretty hot topic and there's plenty to discuss there considering even celebs have joined it. If you wait too long to discuss it, then you both could end up getting more hurt (if the relationship ends) because you've invested so much time into each other.

I like this idea. I've seen so many dudes on social media talking shit about women being on OnlyFans, and bashing the men who pay for it (Calling those men "simps"...eye roll). And there are a lot of men (and women) who still complain that women who get nude/strip "have no respect for themselves." If a man I'm even considering dating/becoming exclusive with started talking like that, I'd lose interest real quick.....

Update: Thanks everyone for your lovely and helpful replies and thoughts. They have helped me so much and I decided honesty and acting soon was indeed the best policy, so I sent a text to him, explaining that I occasionally moonlight as a cam girl, that he is welcome to ask me anything and that I see it as work, I enjoy it, and it has helped me financially (especially during the pandemic).

He replied asking exactly what things I 'have to do on cam'.
I replied honestly saying anything I like/agree to and that it includes nudity as well as play.

He has replied: 'I don't think I can handle this' and now is not talking to me for the time being. I totally accept he doesn't like it and am not going to push him at all, as we all have things we are are and aren't able to accept in a partner. It is a shame if he ultimately is going to walk away due to my camming, but I already feel lighter for having divulged, and early on.

Thank you all, I knew it needed to be said and just needed to hear this!
Appreciate your replies so much! x

Awww. At least now you know where he stands on the subject, and you don't have to waste your time becoming too attached. Two months isn't long, so I'm glad this didn't end with you quitting camming for him.

 

[Deleted member 57880]

I like this idea. I've seen so many dudes on social media talking shit about women being on OnlyFans, and bashing the men who pay for it (Calling those men "simps"...eye roll). And there are a lot of men (and women) who still complain that women who get nude/strip "have no respect for themselves." If a man I'm even considering dating/becoming exclusive with started talking like that, I'd lose interest real quick.....



Awww. At least now you know where he stands on the subject, and you don't have to waste your time becoming too attached. Two months isn't long, so I'm glad this didn't end with you quitting camming for him.

Me too! I find men who judge and talk negatively about sex workers (yet are avid porn viewers usually and do not see the irony) really really off putting. No way am I giving up camming because some guy I have barely been dating is having histrionics and can't cope. Now I am so glad I did it rather than wait!

 

[nightwish]

When will people stop being so hypocrite? What's the difference of being a model sitting before a camera and a man/woman sitting before a screen and masturbate? And don't tell me, you guys/women, you have never looked at a beautiful lady/man on the internet and thought, I wanna fuck her/him. In both cases you are having fun with your sexuality.
and even more, lol, if your partner cammodel has huge success, you should be proud. It means people like him/her but you are with them and you can taste them, what more in life can you dream off? And than the aspect of money, it even pays. You must be out of your f* mind to stop this and reject.
And if you don't have success with camming but you like/love it, np, than it is still a win. Life is to short to live without fun, enjoy!!!

 

[Deleted member 57880]

When will people stop being so hypocrite? What's the difference of being a model sitting before a camera and a man/woman sitting before a screen and masturbate? And don't tell me, you guys/women, you have never looked at a beautiful lady/man on the internet and thought, I wanna fuck her/him. In both cases you are having fun with your sexuality.
and even more, lol, if your partner cammodel has huge success, you should be proud. It means people like him/her but you are with them and you can taste them, what more in life can you dream off? And than the aspect of money, it even pays. You must be out of your f* mind to stop this and reject.
And if you don't have success with camming but you like/love it, np, than it is still a win. Life is to short to live without fun, enjoy!!!

I know, right! It's fun to be sexual and we are all sexual beings. I have told him I am proud of what I do and I don't feel ashamed at all. I work damn hard and am a motivated person. I am proud of those traits. He's been messaging again saying I have fucked his head up, how could I do this to him, do I have any idea about what I am putting him through etc etc...I have put an end to his passive aggressiveness, and very firmly. He is now apologising and backtracking, but it is too late.

He even told me I was to stop camming immediately, because he was going to start putting money into my bank account regularly. NOPE That is controlling behaviour in my eyes and I told him so. This is not the 1800s. I am not some Eliza Doolittle fallen woman who needs a sponsor to rescue me.

I enjoy camming and won't stop unless I want to. No one tells me what to do with my life, nor I theirs. Luckily I have the full support of everyone else in my life (I am one of the lucky few whose family wholeheartedly accept me doing sex work, and suppport me, for which I am very grateful), and I am looking forward to travelling and being footloose and fancy free again soon....I am sure one day i will meet someone who is completely accepting. In the meantime, I have learnt that it is best to get it out very early, say within the first two weeks!

 

[Deleted member 59611]

I know, right! It's fun to be sexual and we are all sexual beings. I have told him I am proud of what I do and I don't feel ashamed at all. I work damn hard and am a motivated person. I am proud of those traits. He's been messaging again saying I have fucked his head up, how could I do this to him, do I have any idea about what I am putting him through etc etc...I have put an end to his passive aggressiveness, and very firmly. He is now apologising and backtracking, but it is too late.

He even told me I was to stop camming immediately, because he was going to start putting money into my bank account regularly. NOPE That is controlling behaviour in my eyes and I told him so. This is not the 1800s. I am not some Eliza Doolittle fallen woman who needs a sponsor to rescue me.

I enjoy camming and won't stop unless I want to. No one tells me what to do with my life, nor I theirs. Luckily I have the full support of everyone else in my life (I am one of the lucky few whose family wholeheartedly accept me doing sex work, and suppport me, for which I am very grateful), and I am looking forward to travelling and being footloose and fancy free again soon....I am sure one day i will meet someone who is completely accepting. In the meantime, I have learnt that it is best to get it out very early, say within the first two weeks!

Wow! Martyr indeed. What a bell end. Money in your bank account . How belittling is that?
I'm really sorry this hasn't worked out for you. Best to save your lady boners for someone more deserving (love that phrase - need to use that in conversation more - definitely up there with 'fanny flutters').
I'll keep an eye out for you hun. So we're looking for a travelling liberal right? Any other stipulations? Killer abs maybe?

 

[Trixxi_Love]

Yes, I feel proud that I don't feel ashamed nor am saying to him: 'but if you don't like it, I can stop....'. Nope. Absolutely not! I did tell someone I went on a couple of dates with laast year (Jan/Feb 2020) and he was conversely so accepting and supportive, and never questioned me about it, nor made it about him etc. We never got off the ground as at the time I went to live in Lisbon for a few months, so I wasn't around. But it just goes to show, there will be another guy one day who says: 'Cool, it doesn't change the way I see you, good for you!' like this other guy.
I am looking forward to freedom, travel and yes, camming as much as my heart desires

Love thinking about that ! There are accepting people who don’t care about camming it’s just harder to meet them but very much worth the wait once you find those types with open minds and open arms. Traveling will be so nice who knows what kind of people you can meet and different places to explore.

 

[Deleted member 57880]

Wow! Martyr indeed. What a bell end. Money in your bank account . How belittling is that?
I'm really sorry this hasn't worked out for you. Best to save your lady boners for someone more deserving (love that phrase - need to use that in conversation more - definitely up there with 'fanny flutters').
I'll keep an eye out for you hun. So we're looking for a travelling liberal right? Any other stipulations? Killer abs maybe?

Ah yes fanny flutters is also a fave term! A travelling, dark haired, creative type for me, please. Preferably. Killer abs a bonus

 

[THE MOLLIE MARIE]

"the thought of another man looking at you naked and sat there wanking himself off" blah blah blah... This guy is aware that there are people who don't even need to see us naked, hell even talk to us, to use us as wank fodder, right? Like I am pretty sure that he himself has likely fantasized about people, adult performers or otherwise... What difference does it really make? That shit he is saying verges on feeling a sense of ownership over you, and ew, I hate it.

 

[Deleted member 57880]

"the thought of another man looking at you naked and sat there wanking himself off" blah blah blah... This guy is aware that there are people who don't even need to see us naked, hell even talk to us, to use us as wank fodder, right? Like I am pretty sure that he himself has likely fantasized about people, adult performers or otherwise... What difference does it really make? That shit he is saying verges on feeling a sense of ownership over you, and ew, I hate it.

Exactly; I am sure plenty of people wank over us as wank fodder, regardless of when we are on cam. I didn't like what he said at all either! We have now properly parted ways. I wished him well etc, and feel like I have well and truly dodged a bullet now!

 

[Deleted member 59611]

Ah yes fanny flutters is also a fave term! A travelling, dark haired, creative type for me, please. Preferably. Killer abs a bonus

Do my eagle eyes deceive me or do I not detect any gender specificity in your list of requirements . Is this any purpose one wonders. *rubs hands together and puts on best lippy and lingerie*

 

[Brit]

I just need to say that your maturity with handling all this is super refreshing.

 

[Deleted member 57880]

Do my eagle eyes deceive me or do I not detect any gender specificity in your list of requirements . Is this any purpose one wonders. *rubs hands together and puts on best lippy and lingerie*

Oh I didn't think to; I like women and men actually.

 

[Deleted member 57880]

I just need to say that your maturity with handling all this is super refreshing.

Ah thank you lovely x

 

[Deleted member 59611]

Oh I didn't think to; I like women and men actually.

In best Joey from Friends voice, 'How you doin?'

 

[Deleted member 55529]

I tell it from the first date and if he doesn't like it he can't date me