Jokes - post em' if ya got em'

[camstory]

Farmer's working on his pick up and see this fella coming down the road, cross over and gets right up next to his fence. The fella starts moo'in and all the farmers cows walk over to where the fella is at the fence. Well the farmer goes over and starts to run the fella off. The fella introduces himself as John Doolittle, and tells the farmer he was just talking to his cows a bit. The farmer thinks this John Doolittle's Plum crazy, but when he tells the farmer that Betsy one of his milking cows has been complaining about her sore teats, the farmer can hardly believe it. That very morning he had had all sorts of problems milking Betsy. John asked the farmer if he could maybe talk to the chickens. The farmer thought what can it hurt, and wanted to see if this guy named Doolittle could really talk to animals, so he told him to go on ahead. Well John got to clucking back and forth with all them chickens, and darned if he didn't know which ones were laying good and which ones had been a little off. Then John see some goats over by the barn, and asks the farmer if he could maybe talk to the goats. The farmer took a look at the goats and looked back at John, and said, you can go ahead and talk to those goats, but I gotta tell you before you do, them goats lie like crazy.

 

[WildFingers]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment...... 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....She saw that his two male parrots Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying... Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence... Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!

 

[Misono]

A paedophile was in court, being sentenced on child sex charges.

"How does 5-6 years sound?", said the judge.

"Sexy" was probably not the response he was looking for.

 

[Poker_Babe]

(I might catch shit for telling this joke, but fukk it... I thought it was funny, so I'm telling it.)

A women goes to the doctor all black and blue...

Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the women comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

 

[Eva_Sunshine]

Truthfully, that joke made me pretty uncomfortable. Past trauma and all that.

And now for a series of cheesy hippie jokes!

How many hippies can you fit on a school bus?



I don't know, but there's always room for one more and a dog.

---

How do you know when a hippie has been in your home?



They're still there.

---

What does a hippie say when you tell them to leave?



Namaste.

 

[Serafina]

What did one light bulb say to the other?

I love you a whole watt.

 

[Red7227]

Sorry, I had to post this

 

[Nordling]

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The policeman said, "What's he like?"

Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

 

[RealFartNinja]

a priest, a nun, and a bunch of schoolchildren are on a sinking ship
nun: WE NEED TO GET TO THE LIFEBOATS!
priest: what about the children?
nun: FUCK THE CHILDREN!
priest: do we have enough time?

 

[Misono]

This is where I keep my Russian doll jokes...

 

[StrayObject]

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy on a
recommendation I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San
Francisco , where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and
accommodating.

As I lay semi-naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began
my procedure.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get
an erection," the nurse told me.

"I haven't got an erection," I replied.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

 

[StrayObject]

A drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk looks back and says, “Yess, Preacher..I sure am.”
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.
“Nooo, I haven’t!” said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”
“Noooo, I have not Reverend.”
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?”
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher…
“Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

 

[RealFartNinja]

one night a cop is hanging outside of a bar when he notices someone walk out
the man is stumbling, drops his keys, almost falls picking them up, gets in his car and proceeds to drive off
the cop thinks to himself that its his lucky night and pulls the man over.
during the field sobriety test the man does everything perfect, his speech is fine, and after blowing into a field breathalyzer it comes up perfectly clean
the officer asks the man "if you arent drunk why were you stumbling, and almost falling over?"
the man replies "im the designated decoy"

 

[StrayObject]

E-Mail from a man in Sheffield to his friend in Birmingham :

I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood.

So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local
Neighbourhood Watch.

I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIL in its center.

Now, the Yorkshire police, the National Security Bureau, Scotland
Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in
Europe are all watching my house 24x7x365.

My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.

I've never felt safer.

 

[Lovelyhills]

My grandpa just called me to ask me, "what runs around your house?"
"A fence!"
Then laughed and hung up. Thought I'd share that here.

 

[JerryBoBerry]

 

[camstory]

A paedophile was in court, being sentenced on child sex charges.

"How does 5-6 years sound?", said the judge.

"Sexy" was probably not the response he was looking for.

Same pedophile when being released from prison 5 years later was heard to say, "I feel like a kid again!"

And this one is so wrong on so many levels.

How do you know who the Jewish child molester is?

He's the one who keeps saying, "Easy on the candy kids"

 

[WildFingers]

A paedophile was in court, being sentenced on child sex charges.

"How does 5-6 years sound?", said the judge.

"Sexy" was probably not the response he was looking for.

Same pedophile when being released from prison 5 years later was heard to say, "I feel like a kid again!"

And this one is so wrong on so many levels.

How do you know who the Jewish child molester is?

He's the one who keeps saying, "Easy on the candy kids"

Yes yes it is. :-D

 

[funkmasta]

What do you call an old snowman?

Spoiler

water :dance:

 

[Morella]

How do you spot Ronald McDonald on a nude beach?



~He's the only one with sesame seed buns~

 

[WildFingers]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.


"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife .
They carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

That's him on Aisle 5

 

[WickedTouch]

DROWNING LAWYER...

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

A: Shoot him before he hits the water.


PLASTERED LAWYERS...

Q: How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall?

A: It depends how hard you throw them.



THREE EXPLORERS CHOOSE THEIR DEATHS...

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe.

The chief tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison; the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol; the Brit points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and jabs himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole.

The chief screams, "What are you doing?"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!"

 

[camstory]

My brother, a lawyer says it is the 98% of lawyers that give the other 2% a bad rep.

He added, that he does not think he has ever met any of the 2%

 

[Chamaeleon]

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Sam's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Sam's fishing mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later, the three get to the camping site to find Sam sitting there with a tent set up,
Firewood gathered, dinner cooking on the fire, and having a cold beer.

"Wow Sam, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a sheer nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

Well, she's been reading that book, "50 Shades of Gray."
On the bed, she had handcuffs and ropes!
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!

 

[gonegirl2352]

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.

 

[Chamaeleon]

The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling…

“CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!! CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!”

The wife was very upset, “What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don’t know how to fry an egg?”

The husband calmly replied, “This is to show you what it feels like for me when I am driving and you sit next to me…”

 

[jeff98902]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
...
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him. He agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down, and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands."

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" The principal was trembling. Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,"Put Harry in the fifth grade. I got the last seven questions wrong."

 

[WildFingers]

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

 

[DuoShi]

You: "Hey [Target]! Guess what?"
[Target]: "What?"
You: "Good guess"

Best joke in the history of all jokes.

 

[WildFingers]

The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling…

“CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!! CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!”

The wife was very upset, “What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don’t know how to fry an egg?”

The husband calmly replied, “This is to show you what it feels like for me when I am driving and you sit next to me…”

If my wife only cooked I would use this on her. Today I threatened getting her a ball gag that he would have to wear if I am driving. women old women