Jokes - post em' if ya got em'

[Chamaeleon]

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.”

God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.

A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.”

God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat… He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”

The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious."

 

[Chamaeleon]

Two old men were sitting in the park talking. After a while the conversation turned to aging. One said, "When it comes to getting older, women have all the luck."

"What do you mean?" asked his friend.

"Well, I haven't been able to perform in bed for ten years now, but my wife seems to be healthier than ever."

"In what way is she healthier?" asked the friend.

"Up to about ten years ago, she used to get these terrible headaches just before bedtime. But she doesn't get them anymore."

 

[emma_skye12]

I mean, it's not really a joke but here are some really funny George W. Bush quotes.

"I'm doing a better job of talking to each other.
The left hand knows what the right hand is doin."
"People are working hard to put food on the family."
"I know that human being and fish can co-exist peacefully."
"There's an old saying Texas probably in Tennessee I know it's in Tennessee that says, fool me once sham on.. ... ... ... ... sham on you.. .. ... fool me can't get fooled again.
"You can't claim the high horse, then take the low road."
"This is where wings take dreams."
"It'll take time to restore chaos."
"Its your money, you pays for it!"

 

[Chamaeleon]

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13..."

 

[Chamaeleon]

A mother was teaching her child about the side-effects of alcohol.
She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.
She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"
The child responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

 

[WildFingers]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'

The blonde said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.' The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'

The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face.

 

[Misono]

I was recently on a TV quiz show, but lost out in the final round because I didn't know the Roman numerals for 51, 6 and 500.

"How do you feel right now?" asked the presenter.

"LIVID!"

 

[Chamaeleon]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend, "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think."

One of the students said, "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought... but you are wrong."

Then the other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought... but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was gas... but I was wrong."

 

[Misono]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I should hope not ma'am, it's only 2130 now."

 

[Chamaeleon]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also blonde. The blonde cop asked to see her driver's license.

She dug throught her handbag and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

 

[ga5457]

I knew they would eventually release the ingredients in Viagra



INGREDIANTS IN VIAGRA

vitamin E 3%

aspirin 2%

I buprofen 2%

vitamin C 1%

spray starch 5%

Fix-A-Flat 87%

 

[ga5457]

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

************************
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Michele, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'cant find printer.
I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..
*************************

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
*************************
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
*************************
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..
*************************
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
*************************
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
*************************
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'

************************
And last but not least!
Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT

 

[ga5457]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening,
when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck,
slowly worked his hand down,
stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm,
working down her side, passing gently over her buttock
and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side,
then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing,
she asked in a loving voice,
Honey that was wonderful.
Why did you stop?'

To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

 

[ga5457]

Five Very Basic Facts - A wise person once said.

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize
that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but
having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend
of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Miller,
Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences,
but will grab whatever is available.

AND

5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit A recent
study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer
than the men who mention it.

 

[ga5457]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plonks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior.
"I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother.
We try to play golf as often as we can.
You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed.
"So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister.
"In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
"You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster 540 yard
Par 5 with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life.
I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...
and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate!
But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister.
"While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel
runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister.
"And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God,
this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off,
with my ball still clutched in its paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished,
"because as the hawk started to fly out of sight,
the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped it right there
on the green,
and the ball popped out of its paws and rolled to about 18 inches from
the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her
chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

 

[ga5457]

Two policemen call the station on the radio.
"Hello. Is that the Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping
on the floor she had just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."

 

[ga5457]

Life just gets better as you get older doesn't it?
I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me....
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my IPod ........ and how was your day?

This is what happens when old people start using technology!

 

[Chamaeleon]

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.

As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups. He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Hey pal, I think your girl friend has gone home."

 

[FrankieDay]

What do you get when you mix a rooster and an owl?
-
-
-
A cock that stays up all night >D

 

[ga5457]

image001.jpg

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally!?


Ever wonder why?









It's because she smells like a new Truck.

 

[Chamaeleon]

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, “Here’s to 51 days!” and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to “line ‘em up”, and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.

The bartender says, “I don’t get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?”

One of the blondes explains, “We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box ’2-4 years,’ but we finished it in 51 days!”

 

[Chamaeleon]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

“Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said. The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. ” I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”

“I know”, said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?”

 

[ga5457]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

 

[Chamaeleon]

Two ladies talking in heaven.

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.

 

[Misono]

Everyone laughed at me when I said I wanted to spend all my free time posting jokes in this thread.

They're not laughing now.

 

[JerryBoBerry]

Ran across this. Made me chuckle.

 

[Misono]

Following on from his re-election as president of FIFA, I've heard that Green Day are releasing a protest song.

"Wake Me Up When Sepp's Tenure Ends"

 

[ga5457]

DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday..

"I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing of drugs."
I said, "Okay, but don't go into that field over there....."
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I'm allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land! No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?! Do you understand?!"
I nodded politely, apologized and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard screaming, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life being chased by my big, old, mean bull... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he sure enough would get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran for the fence, and yelled at the top of my lungs...
"Your badge! Show him your fucking BADGE!!

 

[WildFingers]

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.

The boy looks at her incredulously and says, "Because I'm the Goalie!"

 

[bakersman]

Did you hear about the man with five penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

:lol: