Need some help with my relationship

[LittleRooster]

Hi, guys. Sorry for not replying i didn't expect anyone to reply! I have read the replies carefully and i agree with a lot of it. Let me just start by saying that we have continued to talk and some nights we have got close and flirted but nothing has come of it because we both know it is for the best.

A lot of you say that i have a problem with camming, and you are right. I do have a problem with it. Some women, in fact most women choose to be a cam girl and of course she does, too. But it is a necessity rather than a choice. I completely agree that we can never be together because of a variety of differences, i was just being a spoiled child and wanted to try anything to get my own way. The problems i have with camming is that she does not WANT to cam and does not enjoy it, yet she has no other choice because of financial problems. I also hate the fact that other men see my 'girlfriend' naked and that she willingly shows them her body, which only i should see. I also hate that the regulars in her room truly believe that they have an emotional connection with her (and i'm sure some of your will say that they have the same connection as i do). However, i would say that my biggest problem is the fact that her job is more important than anything. Everything she does revolves around her job. She has no personal social networking page (aside from the twitter that we met on, which she has since deleted), she has no friends because she is always working. She doesn't go out at weekends because she will miss work, when she goes on vacation she sits in the hotel room for hours just to work. I understand that she needs to work but camming just made it worse. My selfish point of view is that we spoke in the early afternoon after she finished work, but just 3 hours later she was off working again...

I know i sound selfish, but these are my problems. As for me supporting her at work, i tried for a while, but she knows about my hatred for her profession so everything i said resulted in an argument because she thought i was being sarcastic (which i was). The number one problem i have is that other men can see exactly what i see and experience what i feel in exchange for money. That is the problem.

We spoke about our problems and from a neutral view, we both had valid points. I was controlling and jealous of her job, and i came into her life promising a dream life and asking her to quit, even before we had even met and knowing each other for 4 months. For a poor Romanian girl, she has learned not to trust people easily and my promise of a dream life she didn't believe.

And yes, she is 20. She lies about her age because she started when she was under-age, and i have seen both her passport and i.d. card, and she showed me her school results which had her name and d.o.b.

Anyway, the relationship CAN work, but the chances are so incredibly slim. So many things have to change for both of us to be happy, and although she admitted that she wants the relationship to work, we can't be together, and i agreed. There are problems on problems lol. I obviously cannot deal with her job (and honestly, i don't even want to try and accept it), and she is unwilling to change it. We live in different countries and she has no intention of moving to the UK, and i am definitely not moving to Romania. We have never met (although she suggested that we spend a weekend together in France, to which i haven't made up my mind yet) and my friends and family no longer think of her the same way after finding out about camming.

Thank you all for your posts, and although it did not work out, i will never forget her and i will continue to talk to her until i feel that i have feelings for her again, then i will break off contact in fear that things will start again. She has a bad life and an almost pointless existence, and i was determined to help her change that, but there are too many problems. Any replies will be appreciated and i will read them and respond I just want to thank you all for your advice and thoughts on this extremely fucked up situation (and thanks for the roasting i got for my selfish behavior! Seriously).

P.S. Camming is absolutely fine for those of you who truly choose to do it, and enjoy it. If you are single then go for it, and if you have a boyfriend or husband who accepts it, then you are extremely lucky and i envy them. My problem is that there are two sides to camming, and she is unfortunately on the less glamorous side where she relies on horny men to live.

 

[Sevrin]

My problem is that there are two sides to camming, and she is unfortunately on the less glamorous side where she relies on horny men to live.

First of all, when you say "horny men", you make it sound like there's another kind. Don't come here acting like you're any better. Secondly, if you're going to get all sanctimonious about "relying on horny men to live" you sure picked the wrong place. Your little princess is making more money shaking her ass than you'll ever be able to provide for her swanning in her chat room, dreamboat.

Grow the fuck up.

 

[Anonymous]

Never try to tell her she chose wrong thing to do..she would never like it rather get pissed off. Its good that you are concerned about her life and want it to be better...try to help her in what she do than telling her not to do

 

[Jillybean]

My problem is that there are two sides to camming, and she is unfortunately on the less glamorous side where she relies on horny men to live.

First of all, when you say "horny men", you make it sound like there's another kind.

:text-lol:

 

[Maia99]

Thank you all for your posts, and although it did not work out, i will never forget her and i will continue to talk to her until i feel that i have feelings for her again, then i will break off contact in fear that things will start again. She has a bad life and an almost pointless existence, and i was determined to help her change that, but there are too many problems. Any replies will be appreciated and i will read them and respond I just want to thank you all for your advice and thoughts on this extremely fucked up situation (and thanks for the roasting i got for my selfish behavior! Seriously).

P.S. Camming is absolutely fine for those of you who truly choose to do it, and enjoy it. If you are single then go for it, and if you have a boyfriend or husband who accepts it, then you are extremely lucky and i envy them. My problem is that there are two sides to camming, and she is unfortunately on the less glamorous side where she relies on horny men to live.

Pointless existence? ha. hahaha. hahahhahahaaa.

 

[IsabellaSnow]

You're a very deluded person.

One point you should note, and this isn't just for camming but for all jobs: People who spend most of their time working and always want to work don't hate their job or feel forced into it. They enjoy their job, they want to do it. There is nothing wrong with that. The problems with your relationship is you met a girl who has a family she cares about and a job she loves which you hate, yet you see her life as a "pointless existance". To appease you she made out that she doesn't like the job, which many camgirls do because it's what people accept, she also made out she absolutely had to do the job because of xyz reasons, which probably aren't true, although I'm sure she shares some of her income with her family, if she's earning that much and working as much as you say then I doubt they're living in poverty.

Just because her life is not the life you'd choose does not make her life pointless. That's a horrible thing to say and it's also totally self absorbed. Your choices are not what someone else would choose. It's not your place to tell someone "you have a shit life, I'm going to come along and change it!", people complain about their lives all the time, but if they are not doing anything to change them then it means they are generally pretty happy with them.

Most of the things you said could be said for anything, not just camming. You meet people who are dating men and women obsessed with their careers, who work a lot and not only don't have enough time to do other things, but don't really care.
How is it your place to say that instead of working she should be out socialising? Most people who get ahead in life have her frame of mind, not yours.

Remember, any job, including camming has both glamourous and non glamourous sides. Any camgirl who cams as her only job "relies on horny men to live", that's not even relevant to being glamourous and not glamourous, it's just what the job is. Oh no.... it must be so terrible for her.... She thought she was signing up for a convent and suddenly got guys wanting to see her tits!
This camgirl you are/were "with", she truly chose it, and she clearly enjoys it.

Don't hate the trade, hate the relationship you got sucked into. You're attacking camming not because it's done anything bad to you, but because you're relationship wasn't a real relationship. You couldn't meet her, you couldn't be with her, you couldn't be a part of her world. Whether she were a camgirl or at some other job I would bet that you would get jealous and annoyed about it. Her job being camming has just made you feel more justified in your jealousy so you've acted on it in a controlling manner. It doesn't mean those feelings wouldn't have been there if camming hadn't existed, you just might not have acted on them so severely. You can delude yourself, but it doesn't stop it from being true. You seem like a jealous person so if she were living near you then you probably would have got jealous anyway, but for different reasons. The reason here is that you wanted to control her. She was a girlfriend in a box (your computer screen), and unfortunately that girl had a whole other life that you couldn't reach through the screen, that you couldn't control however much you wanted to.

To be perfectly honest, she sounds like she has a pretty good existence, she's a hard worker, she cares about her family and people around her, she's only 20 yet she's taking on all those responsibilities. She'll probably go pretty far in life.

You on the other hand.... you seem to have a pretty pointless existence. You have judgemental, rude, unsupportive friends and family, you're living in the UK, full of job possibilities yet you're on minimum wage. You can't find a girlfriend in real life, whether that's because they don't like you or you don't like them, it's a problem, so you found a hot girl on twitter, started messaging her, and formed an unhealthy obsession with her even though you pretty much didn't like anything about her except what you chose to believe in your head, so yeah, you basically created a fantasy girlfriend, tried to control and manipulate her to shape her into what you wanted, moaned about it, cried about it probably, told all your friends about something personal about her they didn't need to know and wasn't your place to tell them. Oh yeah, and when you realise the relationship is a dud you still choose to continue wasting your time speaking to her...
Yeah, that sounds pretty fucking depressing.
Stop trying to control and "save" her life and sort out your own.

 

[Maia99]

You're a very deluded person.

One point you should note, and this isn't just for camming but for all jobs: People who spend most of their time working and always want to work don't hate their job or feel forced into it. They enjoy their job, they want to do it. There is nothing wrong with that. The problems with your relationship is you met a girl who has a family she cares about and a job she loves which you hate, yet you see her life as a "pointless existance". To appease you she made out that she doesn't like the job, which many camgirls do because it's what people accept, she also made out she absolutely had to do the job because of xyz reasons, which probably aren't true, although I'm sure she shares some of her income with her family, if she's earning that much and working as much as you say then I doubt they're living in poverty.

Just because her life is not the life you'd choose does not make her life pointless. That's a horrible thing to say and it's also totally self absorbed. Your choices are not what someone else would choose. It's not your place to tell someone "you have a shit life, I'm going to come along and change it!", people complain about their lives all the time, but if they are not doing anything to change them then it means they are generally pretty happy with them.

Most of the things you said could be said for anything, not just camming. You meet people who are dating men and women obsessed with their careers, who work a lot and not only don't have enough time to do other things, but don't really care.
How is it your place to say that instead of working she should be out socialising? Most people who get ahead in life have her frame of mind, not yours.

Remember, any job, including camming has both glamourous and non glamourous sides. Any camgirl who cams as her only job "relies on horny men to live", that's not even relevant to being glamourous and not glamourous, it's just what the job is. Oh no.... it must be so terrible for her.... She thought she was signing up for a convent and suddenly got guys wanting to see her tits!
This camgirl you are/were "with", she truly chose it, and she clearly enjoys it.

Don't hate the trade, hate the relationship you got sucked into. You're attacking camming not because it's done anything bad to you, but because you're relationship wasn't a real relationship. You couldn't meet her, you couldn't be with her, you couldn't be a part of her world. Whether she were a camgirl or at some other job I would bet that you would get jealous and annoyed about it. Her job being camming has just made you feel more justified in your jealousy so you've acted on it in a controlling manner. It doesn't mean those feelings wouldn't have been there if camming hadn't existed, you just might not have acted on them so severely. You can delude yourself, but it doesn't stop it from being true. You seem like a jealous person so if she were living near you then you probably would have got jealous anyway, but for different reasons. The reason here is that you wanted to control her. She was a girlfriend in a box (your computer screen), and unfortunately that girl had a whole other life that you couldn't reach through the screen, that you couldn't control however much you wanted to.

To be perfectly honest, she sounds like she has a pretty good existence, she's a hard worker, she cares about her family and people around her, she's only 20 yet she's taking on all those responsibilities. She'll probably go pretty far in life.

You on the other hand.... you seem to have a pretty pointless existence. You have judgemental, rude, unsupportive friends and family, you're living in the UK, full of job possibilities yet you're on minimum wage. You can't find a girlfriend in real life, whether that's because they don't like you or you don't like them, it's a problem, so you found a hot girl on twitter, started messaging her, and formed an unhealthy obsession with her even though you pretty much didn't like anything about her except what you chose to believe in your head, so yeah, you basically created a fantasy girlfriend, tried to control and manipulate her to shape her into what you wanted, moaned about it, cried about it probably, told all your friends about something personal about her they didn't need to know and wasn't your place to tell them. Oh yeah, and when you realise the relationship is a dud you still choose to continue wasting your time speaking to her...
Yeah, that sounds pretty fucking depressing.
Stop trying to control and "save" her life and sort out your own.

dayum, you're good at this.

 

[ScarletVixen]

Considering she seems to make a decent amount of money and is doing fine without you, I don't think her life is pointless at all. You said she spends time with friends, goes out dancing/hanging out in nice clothes. She both works, makes a living for herself from it and has a social life too.

She also cares about people, those around her and she cared about you. She didn't have to do that. She could have blown you off as some crazy foreigner from the web. Instead she cared enough about you to (from your own admission) try to appease you and make you happier. She allowed you to give her orders while she was working and she changed the way she worked on cam to try to help find a compromise with you that would work.

Considering you two have never even met, that's A LOT for her to do for you, and you don't seem to appreciate it at all. You just want more, more, more. Much more than is reasonable from an internet relationship of only 4 months with zero meetings or physical contact.

Others have said it much better than me so far, but just let her go. You're doing nothing but hurting her and you're not accepting her for who currently she is. You don't really love her or even like her, considering your (and I quote) "Hatred" for her job is something so paramount in the way you look at her.

You don't have the mindset of "She's amazing, I love her anyway!".

Your mindset is "She's amazing, now if only I can make her quit her job, uproot her life, settle for less than she could have..."

That's not love. That's trying to change someone. And relationships nearly always fail when someone tries to force change on someone else. Been there, done that. It fucking sucks.

 

[IsabellaSnow]

dayum, you're good at this.

Hehe thank you :-D

I am one first class ranter....

 

[LittleRooster]

Hi, let me start by saying that i apologise for saying her life is pointless, i didn't mean that. What i meant was her life is not where she wants it to be and it is not going anywhere for a while...

Anyway, i appreciate the replies, especially yours, Isabella. I think you are right, i am not cut out for this at all. Maybe i have come to the wrong site to try and sooth my ego, however i do believe that i have had a reality check. My mistake has been not that i do not agree with camming, but that i tried to form the perfect relationship in a situation where that was impossible. As for some of you ridiculing me for feeling this way for someone i never met, maybe i am stupid (and i have had previous, 'real' relationships and felt the same way), but i can't help how i feel.

All this time i believed she was the perfect girl, maybe because that is what she portrayed, but the truth is that she is a cam girl, and has been for some years, and that is something that i am not comfortable with. We differ too much on certain things and i clearly can never come to terms with her job, no matter what, which although it sounds selfish, is the unfortunate truth. She sympathizes with me in that i love her, but i loath her job, but she is not willing to change it (neither would i if i was in her position). And i sympathize with her, she wants a relationship and wants to be loved, but i am unwilling to give it to her unless things change, and i obviously can't.

And some of you have implied that i would be jealous no matter what the situation, and that is incorrect. I have been in a couple of relationships, one for a couple of years, and jealousy was never an issue. Just because i don't like my girlfriend stripping for other men, that doesn't make me a controlling, jealous person, it just means that, that person is not right for me.

I think desperation is what made me say the things i did and not be able to let go of the 'relationship', because she had portrayed herself as the perfect girl, whether she is or not, and i had portrayed myself as perfect, which i clearly am not. Maybe she is what she made out, i will never know. But the thought of the perfect girl was too hard to turn down, therefore i tried my hardest to keep onto her.

I do sincerely apologize if i have offended you with how i feel about camming, but please understand that i do not think less of people who cam, i just do not want a potential partner doing that, nothing more. I think that i feel this way because i was thrown into the world of camming without warning, it would have been much different if we had met on the site and i had been visiting them for a while. I did not, and to some extent still don't understand camming because before i had no reason to, in fact i didn't really know what it was!

Anyway, thank you all for your responses and i am sorry if i wasted your time or i have offended you, but the last 2 months have been extremely difficult and i had no one to talk to about my problems, so in desperation i came here and i thank most of you for your positive feedback.

 

[LittleRooster]

You're a very deluded person.


You on the other hand.... you seem to have a pretty pointless existence. You have judgemental, rude, unsupportive friends and family, you're living in the UK, full of job possibilities yet you're on minimum wage. You can't find a girlfriend in real life, whether that's because they don't like you or you don't like them, it's a problem, so you found a hot girl on twitter, started messaging her, and formed an unhealthy obsession with her even though you pretty much didn't like anything about her except what you chose to believe in your head, so yeah, you basically created a fantasy girlfriend, tried to control and manipulate her to shape her into what you wanted, moaned about it, cried about it probably, told all your friends about something personal about her they didn't need to know and wasn't your place to tell them. Oh yeah, and when you realise the relationship is a dud you still choose to continue wasting your time speaking to her...
Yeah, that sounds pretty fucking depressing.
Stop trying to control and "save" her life and sort out your own.

I do agree with some of these points, yes. Although i do feel that you saying i have a pointless existence contradicts what you said about me saying that. I do not have a pointless existence, but i do not have an ideal life, you are right. Can i find a girlfriend in real life? Probably. Will i? Probably not. Without turning this into even more of a therapy session, i will say that my life is shit. On the surface it is fine, i do have money, more than i let on. I have a great family and a group of good friends, but i suffer with bipolar very badly and that is another reason why this relationship didn't work. In the early stages, before i knew that she was a cam girl, i felt great everyday, for probably the first time in my life, and i didn't want to stop feeling good. But then i found out about camming and there was ups and downs. For the 4 or 5 hours a day that she worked, i went through hell, but the rest of the time we was talking i felt good again.

And yes, maybe i did create the ideal girl in my head because i was so scared of feeling bad again i didn't want to lose what i had. I do not want anyone to sympathize with me, i don't deserve it, but when we broke up, it was the toughest month of my life and i was so desperate to feel good again because i went into crippling depression lol. I know it sounds like this is a therapy session, and i guess it is. Maybe not the best place to do it lol but whatever.

Anyway thanks for your reply

 

[ScarletVixen]

You're a very deluded person.


You on the other hand.... you seem to have a pretty pointless existence. You have judgemental, rude, unsupportive friends and family, you're living in the UK, full of job possibilities yet you're on minimum wage. You can't find a girlfriend in real life, whether that's because they don't like you or you don't like them, it's a problem, so you found a hot girl on twitter, started messaging her, and formed an unhealthy obsession with her even though you pretty much didn't like anything about her except what you chose to believe in your head, so yeah, you basically created a fantasy girlfriend, tried to control and manipulate her to shape her into what you wanted, moaned about it, cried about it probably, told all your friends about something personal about her they didn't need to know and wasn't your place to tell them. Oh yeah, and when you realise the relationship is a dud you still choose to continue wasting your time speaking to her...
Yeah, that sounds pretty fucking depressing.
Stop trying to control and "save" her life and sort out your own.

I do agree with some of these points, yes. Although i do feel that you saying i have a pointless existence contradicts what you said about me saying that. I do not have a pointless existence, but i do not have an ideal life, you are right. Can i find a girlfriend in real life? Probably. Will i? Probably not. Without turning this into even more of a therapy session, i will say that my life is shit. On the surface it is fine, i do have money, more than i let on. I have a great family and a group of good friends, but i suffer with bipolar very badly and that is another reason why this relationship didn't work. In the early stages, before i knew that she was a cam girl, i felt great everyday, for probably the first time in my life, and i didn't want to stop feeling good. But then i found out about camming and there was ups and downs. For the 4 or 5 hours a day that she worked, i went through hell, but the rest of the time we was talking i felt good again.

And yes, maybe i did create the ideal girl in my head because i was so scared of feeling bad again i didn't want to lose what i had. I do not want anyone to sympathize with me, i don't deserve it, but when we broke up, it was the toughest month of my life and i was so desperate to feel good again because i went into crippling depression lol. I know it sounds like this is a therapy session, and i guess it is. Maybe not the best place to do it lol but whatever.

Anyway thanks for your reply

You can't properly love someone else if you can't love yourself first. Definitely look into therapy, if you're not already in it, which you very well might be already. If you are, good on you and congrats for seeking help. It's not an easy step, and you're stronger for making it. Depression and mental illnesses of any kind are serious things to live with, and no band-aid of happy love hormones will get to the root of the issues. You can't depend on someone else for your happiness. If she did care about you than she would want to see you happier and healthier in the end, even without her in the picture. Good luck

 

[LittleRooster]

Thank you for your reply. We spoke again tonight on twitter, she has since turned her personal twitter account into a business one and i got slightly peeved about it, but i didn't tell her, she guessed it and i told her that i didn't like it because i go on twitter a lot and i didn't want my feed to be clogged with her work. She told me that she understands, but she needs me to be supportive of her, but i told her that as brutal as it sounds, i can't.

It's interesting what has happened as she appears to be wanting me back and form some sort of relationship, and even suggested that we meet in France for a booty call, which i rejected. I am feeling differently every day, i think that stepping back from the situation and listening to other people has helped me. Although i do still have some feelings for her, my view on her is changing every day. She is a nice girl but we are just too incompatible. I think you are right Scarlet in what you said about therapy, i have personally never had therapy as i was scared and didn't believe that i needed it, but i desperately need to talk about my problems. Not just this problem.

I will take your advice on board and schedule a session to try and sort myself out. Like i said, the more i am talking to her, the more i am going off her. Everything she does revolves around a job that i despise, so how can we possibly be compatible? It's stupid. I thank you again for your advice, it was much needed. I will keep ya'll posted on any further activity if you are interested of course, otherwise thank you all for your input and i hope that i am able to put this behind me and move on with my life