Relationship advice.

[LineahRose]

Ive been with my current boyfriend for 3 1/2 years, have lived together for about 3 years and although weve never had a perfect relationship (we're like fire and gasoline, im clingy, hes spacious, his anger problems, etc) I feel really terrible but we recently got our own apartment and lately im doing all of the compromising I suppose its always been that way hes a control freak he didnt let me or want me to get piercings so I didnt etc. I didnt think it was an important to fight iver so I didnt mind (im tolerant and flexible) well recently his brother moved in...I have gotten close to him in a way I thought was bro/sis like...he teases me but has my back when my bfs being an ass (hes an ass a lot but I love him..at least I thought I did I'm not so sure) I find myself adoring his brothers qualities...hes a gentlemen, and he listens..now I know most guys start out that way and I didnt want to end it with my bf after 3 years and just give up...I talked to him about it and he took something I said badly..and now he keeps making smart ass sarcastic comments about me and his brother. (Btw I haven't cheated or anything we talked a lot of my relationship and he tried to help) but my bf just said that it'd be smart for me to be with his bro now idk if he meant it just to see how I'd react or because its the truth and honestly I think his bro is a better fit..but im not about to throw 3 years away for a could be or a maybe nor do I know for sure what going on in my head. I always hear if you doubt your relationship or fall for someone else you shouldntbstay with the person youre with..but I wouldnt say im falling for his bro...im falling for his qualities that I wish my bf would have..and I know my bf wont change I don't expect him to...Im just dumbfounded any help please?

 

[krukstyle]

Ive been with my current boyfriend for 3 1/2 years, have lived together for about 3 years and although weve never had a perfect relationship (we're like fire and gasoline, im clingy, hes spacious, his anger problems, etc) I feel really terrible but we recently got our own apartment and lately im doing all of the compromising I suppose its always been that way hes a control freak he didnt let me or want me to get piercings so I didnt etc. I didnt think it was an important to fight iver so I didnt mind (im tolerant and flexible) well recently his brother moved in...I have gotten close to him in a way I thought was bro/sis like...he teases me but has my back when my bfs being an ass (hes an ass a lot but I love him..at least I thought I did I'm not so sure) I find myself adoring his brothers qualities...hes a gentlemen, and he listens..now I know most guys start out that way and I didnt want to end it with my bf after 3 years and just give up...I talked to him about it and he took something I said badly..and now he keeps making smart ass sarcastic comments about me and his brother. (Btw I haven't cheated or anything we talked a lot of my relationship and he tried to help) but my bf just said that it'd be smart for me to be with his bro now idk if he meant it just to see how I'd react or because its the truth and honestly I think his bro is a better fit..but im not about to throw 3 years away for a could be or a maybe nor do I know for sure what going on in my head. I always hear if you doubt your relationship or fall for someone else you shouldntbstay with the person youre with..but I wouldnt say im falling for his bro...im falling for his qualities that I wish my bf would have..and I know my bf wont change I don't expect him to...Im just dumbfounded any help please?

This sounds like a very complex/confusing situation--and I only have a second to type, but my main reaction is that you might be about to open up a potentially HUGE can of worms. If my brother (or sibling or even close friend) pulled something like this--I would most likely be completely devastated and act/think in very irrational ways. I know that your BF has said "you should just be with my brother," but as you have already guessed--there is a very good chance that he doesn't mean this (and even if he THINKS he means it--this might change if you actually act upon it).

There are all kinds of crazy relationship situations--and they are impossible to predict, and while I'm sure people in your exact situation have switched a brother for a brother and everyone was happy--but I'm guessing in most cases--there is at least some turmoil. I think your best course of action is to either work things out with your BF, or move on completely--the brother option could get potentially very messy--and it would be a total double whammy effect for your BF.

 

[LineahRose]

Im the type that hates hurting anyone and at this point...I think ive been hurting myself by staying for so long with a guy I thought I could change...he changed me..at least far as maturing and establishing trust..but regardless ill hurt my bf and im just so lost....

 

[Nordling]

It's easy for us to give advice since we're not in your situation, but my first impression is that years in the future you'll be kicking yourself for wasting your time with someone who is controlling and disagreeable. I'd dump the whole family bf, sibling, everyone...and start out anew. But like I said, that's easy for me to say.

 

[eyeteach]

You're what, 19 right? You haven't begun to live just yet. Who's idea was it to have the brother move in? How old is he and what brought that on? Simply from an outsider looking in your relationship with the bf doesn't sound healthy, if he's as controlling and jealous as you say then honestly that sends up red flags to me. I thought I knew everything at 19 only to find at 21 I knew nothing.

 

[Kunra9]

Definitely get out of the relationship you are in.

Don't go with the brother.

 

[PlayboyMegan]

Definitely get out of the relationship you are in.

Don't go with the brother.

Seconding this.

 

[KudosKids]

Your boyfriend sounds like a douche. Anyone reading your post can see that.

 

[Red7227]

Definitely get out of the relationship you are in.

Don't go with the brother.

Seconding this.

Thirded. You have your whole life in front of you and don't need the sort of complications you are having now.

 

[Camgirl]

At this point, you shouldn't even be considering getting with the brother - or anyone else. You are already in a relationship, vulnerable, and impressionable to anything someone else gives you, especially if it is what you are lacking in your current relationship. That is called a rebound.

Either focus on your current relationship and try to salvage or go out on your own and take time to yourself before jumping into another relationship.

:twocents-02cents:

 

[BackpackerBaby]

Write down the pros/cons of being in the relationship...do the pros outweigh the cons, or is it the other way around? :compress:


Remember "follow your heart but take your brain with you"!

Don't deny yourself happiness...and please don't date his brother...there are plenty of fish in the sea. *wink* :fish:

 

[Ambers Troll]

Those telling you to get out of a relationship after 3 years are assuming you are a moron/ victim...am sure the negatives that you suggested are not all he is. You know that you hurt him with the camparison to his brother, even if it is honest.
Most of us am sure only saw controlling, and angry as who he is, so you can understand that we don't wish that on you or anyone, this type of person can be dangerous.

The adult side of you must make a decision as to who she can live with. Things like housework, responsibility and so on come here. You must also face what you love in another yourself, my sister for example likes difficult men (she told me about her husband once), your bf might be just your type even if he is difficult.
If you want your relationship to work long term, you know there will be lots of fighting.... this is what you must do... for him and yourself. On arguments suggest keep working at it until it is resolved, never go to bed angry. If you love someone you will keep working at it, when you start not caring about solving an argument, you are over.

 

[KayleePond]

Those telling you to get out of a relationship after 3 years are assuming you are a moron/ victim...am sure the negatives that you suggested are not all he is. You know that you hurt him with the camparison to his brother, even if it is honest.
Most of us am sure only saw controlling, and angry as who he is, so you can understand that we don't wish that on you or anyone, this type of person can be dangerous.

The adult side of you must make a decision as to who she can live with. Things like housework, responsibility and so on come here. You must also face what you love in another yourself, my sister for example likes difficult men (she told me about her husband once), your bf might be just your type even if he is difficult.
If you want your relationship to work long term, you know there will be lots of fighting.... this is what you must do... for him and yourself. On arguments suggest keep working at it until it is resolved, never go to bed angry. If you love someone you will keep working at it, when you start not caring about solving an argument, you are over.

Firstly, I think that it's rather unfair for you to presume what anyone else who has posted is thinking. If she has posted this thread then that would indicate that she is unhappy. She has asked for advice and they gave it, I think that most people with experience in life and relationships would agree that from what she has shared it does not seem like this is a good situation to be in and is unlikely to be a very happy or healthy relationship. I'm sure he has redeeming qualities but the ones she has shared are sticking out in her mind, which is a good indicator of how unhappy she is.

As for the last bolded part, I think that is not really very realistic advice.

You can love someone who beats you.
You can love an alcoholic.
You can love someone who wants kids even though you do not.
You can love someone who wants to move across the world when you do not.

You can be in love even when your relationship has to end and I would say it's very common. Not all relationship problems can be solved! I have loved all of the people that I have shared serious relationships with in the past and eventually broke up with each of them because I felt we had differences that could absolutely NOT be reconciled. You can love a person but still have an understanding that a life with them would not be a happy or healthy one. There are moments of clarity in a relationship when you just KNOW that it is not what you want and never will be, and it's best to walk away from that as soon as possible, in my opinion. The longer you stay, the more hurt you will both feel.

I agree with Kunra's post too, by the way!

 

[hapa74]

Definitely get out of the relationship you are in.

Don't go with the brother.

I also concur

 

[KudosKids]

I don't think she wants to get with the brother you guys. She clearly said she wasn't falling for the brother just the qualities he has and wish her boyfriend had them. Let me tell you something, I have a sister who for years repeatedly went after the controlling type like your boyfriend. I'm not saying this would happen to you, but its a possibility and proof of how dangerous these relationships are. Anyways, the last controlling boyfriend she had, ended up leaving her. And she went CRAZY! She hadn't been single for years, on top of that every decision she had made was based on what her boyfriends told her to do, so therefore she didn't really know what was a right or wrong decision even as a adult. That can be really scary to someones life to almost be treated like a child all your adult life and then one day *poof* your expected to be a adult. Now today, she is dating someone like the brother and she is very very happy. I believe they will get married. Do yourself a favor, break up with him, live your own life for you for awhile you are so young and you need to figure out who you are before you go into anymore relationships. The second you define yourself by someone else is when life starts going downhill. You may think to yourself "I don't want to throw all this time spent away" Its only 3 years sweetie, you have a ton of life ahead of you. 3 years isn't even a stepping stone in a marriage. When you find yourself and you can be totally happy single, thats when you will find Mr.Right that treats you how you should be treated. The right person will unexpectedly come into your life when you lease expect it.

 

[RubyDimples]

Now I hate to come off rude and forward, but I gotta say you may want to ditch both those guys. This screams a potentially bad situation that could get way out of hand. The brother seems to possess qualities you look for in a relationship, but I'm thinking because of your vulnerability at the moment...you're not entirely seeing the bigger picture. Don't mess with the brother, break it off with the boyfriend and meet someone new. Easier said then done right?

 

[Red7227]

Now I hate to come off rude and forward, but I gotta say you may want to ditch both those guys. This screams a potentially bad situation that could get way out of hand. The brother seems to possess qualities you look for in a relationship, but I'm thinking because of your vulnerability at the moment...you're not entirely seeing the bigger picture. Don't mess with the brother, break it off with the boyfriend and meet someone new. Easier said then done right?

Yep, I think some distance and a clear head might be a good idea. You can always catch up with him again in a few years to see if the fire is still there, but at the moment you are 19, so your lover needs to also be your best friend and not getting in the way of you living your life.

Good luck sweetie

 

[mynameisbob84]

So like, the truck is your relationship. The driver is you. The suckiness of your boyfriend (assuming what you've said is accurate) and now the situation with the brother is Arnie.

Everything about the situation is telling you to "get out" and that's exactly what you should do. Don't waste any more time with someone who is trying to control you and don't pursue a relationship with his brother when you know how badly it will end. Find a nice young man from a different family with different (better) personality traits and start afresh. Or just be single :twocents-02cents:

 

[Kunra9]

I don't assume she is a moron or being abused. She is clearly stating she is unhappy. I tend to avoid things that make me unhappy.
Hence my suggestion to get out of the relationship.

I also know, that when people are unhappy, they tend to latch on to the first thing they think makes them happy without applying a ton of a common sense.
Hence my suggestion to not go with the brother.

That's it.

 

[Brad]

Walk away and start fresh. Find someone new that has the qualities you want in a partner.
:thumbleft:

My wife and I never grow tired of each others company. We can and have spent large amounts of time together including working together for a few years. We are best friends and I miss her when we are not together. We've been this way for almost 13 years now and married for 10 of those. We started out as good friends and it grew from there. I could not say this about my first marriage which is why it didn't last. Find someone you enjoy sharing your life with.