threesome double-standard?

[Nordling]

I think the term "double standard" has a negative connotation--no matter how you choose to define it. So, with that in mind, even if liking one sexual configuration but not its opposite may indeed be a double standard in some technical, dictionary way--but because that preference is not necessarily a bad thing, "double standard" should probably be avoided in describing such preferences, as it gives an unwanted shade of meaning.

 

[lordmagellan]

Well, if the thread is about whether it's okay to have threesomes of a particular configuration because you and your partner both want that then...obviously sure, knock yourselves out (hopefully don't knock yourselves up like one slightly silly girl I know who spent the next nervous 9 months, as did her husband, wondering what skin tone her baby would come out heh).

On the other hand, if the question is about whether or not it's an actual double-standard for a person to be cool with threesomes that cater to their gender, but not the reverse, then what each couple thinks about it has absolutely nothing to do with anything.

So to clarify - what is the thread about? Because almost every post has just said that it's a couple's choice (well, obviously).

Since we're giving individual opinions, I'm happy with MFF, not so much with MMF. And yes, I admit it's a double-standard. There, was that so hard?

Perhaps the question should read "Is it hypocritical...?"

Personally, I say not really; but it depends on the situation. Like others have said, if the couple is fine with the arrangement, then all is well. If one or the other is pushing to have it their way and only their way, to please only them, well, they're just being a bit selfish (certain caveats may be made for those in D/s relationships, maybe). I think all parties in the arrangement should be fulfilled. I'm not into guys and another male energy ruins my own, so I prefer not to have them in my sexy times. The wife is a bit bisexual and loves the titties almost as much as I do, so she's happy to have another woman involved. She's expressed interest in having two guys bang the shit out of her (in the form of fantasy), but she knows I more than likely wouldn't be able to perform, so she leaves that to fantasy. Neither of us push and we respect each other's boundaries. But I do like making her wishes come true, so if I could find two guys that I could trust that were up to the task.....

I am sorry, but you can not have a threesome unless you are in an open relationship of some sort. If it is a closed relationship no one else would be able to enter it. I have no problem with either type, but if a door is not closed it is open.

I want to go back to this because I think I see where Shaun is confused (you may disagree, but read on). Whether a relationship is open or closed doesn't depend on the number of people involved, it depends on the relationship of a number of people. Let's put it this way: in an open relationship, anyone can go fuck anyone with an established set of boundaries (usually). In a closed relationship, there's a number of people involved who only keep the activity amongst themselves. A closed relationship can be between 2, 3, 5, 10 different people, so long as only those people are involved. Don't think of it as a doorway for analogy, instead think of circuitry.

 

[IsabellaSnow]

Depends, if the boyfriend was trying to convince his straight girlfriend into having a threesome with another woman, but refused to have a threesome with another man, then yes, that would be a double standard. Sure men and women are different creatures, but men don't have to be gay to share a woman at the same time, so why would it be ok for a man to fuck another woman in front of his girlfriend if it weren't ok for a man to fuck his girlfriend in front of him?

If a girlfriend asked her boyfriend this question and he said "well yeah if I got the opportunity to have a threesome with you and another woman, I'd probably take it, but I wouldn't be comfortable with it being with another man" then that would be perfectly acceptable and a pretty normal response from a guy. Let's face it, most dudes wouldn't pass up the opportunity to fuck two different women at the same time if the women were the instigators. It's very different to the boyfriend being the instigator.

I have to say though, I think 3somes in non open relationships are a really bad idea. For some people they do work (I'd imagine more so if you've been together for a very very long time), but for a lot of people in relationships a big fear is your partner cheating on you, even for those who aren't jealous, if it happened it would be extremely upsetting. Well imagine having it happen right before your eyes and not being able to say anything about it....
Everyone I know who's had a 3some in a relationship it has not ended well. Often it seems like a really good idea, but it can drag up unnecessary emotions. There are some things you just don't need to see/know!

My best friend's ex boyfriend convinced her when drunk to have a 3some with him and his male best friend, she thought "well, not going to pass up on that idea" as the friend was very good looking. Her and her boyfriend had been together almost 4 years, the best friend fell for her, told her boyfriend, boyfriend started getting really jealous/paranoid, and there was a great big drama about it all, eventually his jealousy drove her away, and she is now living with the other guy, they've been together for about a year now, but there have been a few very dramatic fist fights with him and the ex...
The ex is a bit of a dick and told everyone she'd cheated on him. Basically it was all very silly (sadly the guys are old enough that they should have known better), but the whole situation came of a 3some the ex had really thought he'd wanted, which went wrong.

If I were going out with a straight guy, I wouldn't mind if he kissed another guy. When I have gone out with guys I haven't cared about that stuff, and I would like them not to care if I kiss girls. When it's someone who's bi it is different though.

I do know people who've had threesomes in relationships where say the girls would do stuff, but the guy would only touch his girlfriend and enjoy watching the girls together, I think that would work and wouldn't have the same kind of awkwardness. It's a very tricky situation that could easily trigger dormant emotions that you never realised you had.

 

[Jupiter551]

Depends, if the boyfriend was trying to convince his straight girlfriend into having a threesome with another woman, but refused to have a threesome with another man, then yes, that would be a double standard. Sure men and women are different creatures, but men don't have to be gay to share a woman at the same time, so why would it be ok for a man to fuck another woman in front of his girlfriend if it weren't ok for a man to fuck his girlfriend in front of him?

Exactly, and whether or not the woman is down with it is largely beside the point because the definition of a double-standard doesn't in this case rest on what she wants but on what he would be willing to do.

This is a heterosexual guy's view of the respective threesome scenarios:

MFF: she's sharing me! :text-woo:
MMF: I'm sharing her :-|

I'm well aware that (non-completely straight) girls might not view the situation quite the same way, but I'll bet $10 that's how most straight blokes see it if they actually examine their feelings, and admit it.

Guys more commonly feeling sexually and emotionally threatened by the presence of a 'competing' male than women do about an extra female isn't a reason to call it what it is - a double-standard.

 

[Ariel_Moon]

Also I know a loooooot of girls who are definitely into the idea of two guys with each other...myself included. Maybe we're just weird, I don't know whether its 'normal' or not.

I watch gay MM porn sometimes, and I love watching guys kiss and suck and fuck each other.

My first threesome experience when I was younger was MMF. It was fairly tame... two of my best friends who were male, (and who I was both VERY attracted to) were hanging out together smoking weed and watching movies...and we started fooling around...both of them went down on me (taking turns to kiss me and lick me and kiss my body) I came ridiculously hard, then they kissed each other afterwards....


It was the hottest thing I think has ever happened to me. And I loved the fact that they were kissing each other.

So yeah, I'm saddened that it doesn't seem as socially acceptable for MMF and especially for the guys to be into each other. I'd like to have more of that. :-D

 

[HarmlessSquirrel]

Yeah, "double-standard" is a semantics thing in this case. If one partner is allowed what he/she wants and the other isn't, that's a double-standard by the usual understanding. If they both like/dislike the same situations, not so much. I really would have a hard time being involved in a sexual situation with another guy there. I might enjoy being with two women. That said, I would not expect a woman I was involved with to go for that unless it was her preference too. Frankly, I think I'd really just rather be with one woman, but it might be fun to experiment, I admit.

 

[Jupiter551]

Yeah, "double-standard" is a semantics thing in this case. If one partner is allowed what he/she wants and the other isn't, that's a double-standard by the usual understanding. If they both like/dislike the same situations, not so much. I really would have a hard time being involved in a sexual situation with another guy there. I might enjoy being with two women. That said, I would not expect a woman I was involved with to go for that unless it was her preference too. Frankly, I think I'd really just rather be with one woman, but it might be fun to experiment, I admit.

It's still a double-standard, it's just that they are willing to accept the double-standard (which is fine).

Another example - a woman might enjoy having a door held open for her, the offer to pay for her meal, her man being dominant and in-charge, while at the same time expect to be treated equally, feelings considered etc - yes, again, technically it could be argued that from a feminist perspective it's a double-standard but hey, if she likes that and he's happy then who cares?

(Just in case I didn't make it clear though, it's STILL a double-standard).

 

[curvyredhead]

oh really
So boys don't feel threated by other women as they with men.

Good to know.

If you feel this way, please send your lady to my place and my GF and I will take care of her....nothing to be threatened by or anything

whahahah



My situation might be slightly different---we are already a 3sum. Two girls and one man. We set boundaries...such as no other men allowed ever. Women are allowed if we all agree to them, and we have enjoyed 4sums. At least 2 of the 3 of us need to be involved in the fun. It might seem odd or a double standard that we do now allow other men..but it's simply how we all feel comfortable.

Amber said it well that relationships are defined by who is in them.

 

[IsabellaSnow]

oh really
So boys don't feel threated by other women as they with men.

Good to know.

If you feel this way, please send your lady to my place and my GF and I will take care of her....nothing to be threatened by or anything

whahahah

Lol

I've been in a fair few threesomes in my time. I will say, that men wanting to be in a 3some with two women is often optimistic, as much as the majority of men think they're sex gods, it is rarely the case. Remember guys, when it comes to threesomes, you're not having two women at the same time, you only have one penis! No, you are having to attempt to satisfy two women at the same time! Seeing as the majority of men have trouble satisfying one woman, I think wanting to have a 3some is VERY optimistic! (you may not think this is you, but it probably is)

3somes two guys and a girl? They physically work! Although giving good head at the same time as being fucked isn't that easy, there is a place for everyone to be happy!
3somes with two girls and a guy to truly work (and by truly working I don't mean one very happy guy, a premature ejaculation and two unsatisfied women), I think it generally has to be planned by the females, because the females want to be together, but also want a penis/man to play with, meaning whatever's going on everyone can play with each other, and probably focus more on foreplay.
If I want to be fucked by a man, I'm not going to invite a woman into the mix meaning I get half the sex time and a lot more waiting around, I'm going to have him all to myself. If I want to fuck a woman, as a straight woman I would want to be with the woman/play with the woman, but I might want a man present to enjoy her with me, if this were the case, "sex" itself would not really be what I'd be looking for.

I always do find it funny the reactions guys/girls I know have to generic threesomes, they guy is going "I'm the man! Hell yeah!" whilst the girls are having countless giggle fests at his expense talking about his interesting sex skills/penis shape/size! Girls are bitches a lot of the time, we like having a laugh about men's incompetence in bed (although the few that are good it becomes widely known too). If a man is really bad in a one on one, girls will usually be nicer, but if a guy is really bad when there are two girls present, god save his soul!

 

[Jupiter551]

My situation might be slightly different---we are already a 3sum. Two girls and one man. We set boundaries...such as no other men allowed ever. Women are allowed if we all agree to them, and we have enjoyed 4sums. At least 2 of the 3 of us need to be involved in the fun. It might seem odd or a double standard that we do now allow other men..but it's simply how we all feel comfortable.

That's not a double standard, a double standard would be if you girls wanted another man involved and he refused

 

[Red7227]

Screwing a woman is also different from screwing a man.
If the girl is screwing another dude, the guy is going to worry "Oh, is his dick bigger, is he doing better at the same thing that I can do for her?"

I my own thought would be, ewww naked man!

I don't have anything to prove to anyone, so my interest in a threesome would be pretty limited. If they were both my friends - and they wanted to - I could see it happening, but mostly as a couple drunk chics ending up in my bath at 3 in the morning after a night out.

 

[mynameisbob84]

I really wanna watch Chasing Amy now...

 

[AnaVictoriaXO]

My situation might be slightly different---we are already a 3sum. Two girls and one man. We set boundaries...such as no other men allowed ever. Women are allowed if we all agree to them, and we have enjoyed 4sums. At least 2 of the 3 of us need to be involved in the fun. It might seem odd or a double standard that we do now allow other men..but it's simply how we all feel comfortable.

That's not a double standard, a double standard would be if you girls wanted another man involved and he refused

But doesnt that contradict your previous statement

I think it's a total double-standard. The girl might be fine with it, and she might like being with girls (or not) and he might be totally straight - it's still a double-standard. Whether the couple prefer it that way is kind of beside the point if the question is 'is it a double-standard?'

Saying men and women are different, while clearly true, doesn't mean men (or women) can skip out of ethical loopholes based on gender :naughty: . That's the whole slut/stud mindset isn't it? It's no different than saying well, men and women have different sexual appetites so it's fine for Jimbob to sleep around, in fact it makes him more of a man! But if Peggysue does it - wow what a slut, tell everyone on facebook.

I would not expect him to turn the tables for me, but it's a mutual understanding right now, thus, not a double standard that he gets occasional extra pussy and I get no extra dick.

Right, and I'm sure plenty of threesomes work this way, but regardless of whether you WOULD expect him to participate with another male involved or whether you would ever WANT that, it's beside the point of whether it's a double-standard no? To me that solely rests on whether or not he would be cool with it if you wanted/expected him to be.

(I havnt slept in over 24 hours, dont judge me if Im just confused lol.)

 

[AmberCutie]

My situation might be slightly different---we are already a 3sum. Two girls and one man. We set boundaries...such as no other men allowed ever. Women are allowed if we all agree to them, and we have enjoyed 4sums. At least 2 of the 3 of us need to be involved in the fun. It might seem odd or a double standard that we do now allow other men..but it's simply how we all feel comfortable.

That's not a double standard, a double standard would be if you girls wanted another man involved and he refused

But doesnt that contradict your previous statement

I think it's a total double-standard. The girl might be fine with it, and she might like being with girls (or not) and he might be totally straight - it's still a double-standard. Whether the couple prefer it that way is kind of beside the point if the question is 'is it a double-standard?'

Saying men and women are different, while clearly true, doesn't mean men (or women) can skip out of ethical loopholes based on gender :naughty: . That's the whole slut/stud mindset isn't it? It's no different than saying well, men and women have different sexual appetites so it's fine for Jimbob to sleep around, in fact it makes him more of a man! But if Peggysue does it - wow what a slut, tell everyone on facebook.

I would not expect him to turn the tables for me, but it's a mutual understanding right now, thus, not a double standard that he gets occasional extra pussy and I get no extra dick.

Right, and I'm sure plenty of threesomes work this way, but regardless of whether you WOULD expect him to participate with another male involved or whether you would ever WANT that, it's beside the point of whether it's a double-standard no? To me that solely rests on whether or not he would be cool with it if you wanted/expected him to be.

(I havnt slept in over 24 hours, dont judge me if Im just confused lol.)

That's exactly what I thought when I read it, hah. I was like wait... what? Didn't he just disagree with me when I said the exact same thing he just said?

 

[Shaun__]

I am sorry, but you can not have a threesome unless you are in an open relationship of some sort. If it is a closed relationship no one else would be able to enter it. I have no problem with either type, but if a door is not closed it is open.

I want to go back to this because I think I see where Shaun is confused (you may disagree, but read on). Whether a relationship is open or closed doesn't depend on the number of people involved, it depends on the relationship of a number of people. Let's put it this way: in an open relationship, anyone can go fuck anyone with an established set of boundaries (usually). In a closed relationship, there's a number of people involved who only keep the activity amongst themselves. A closed relationship can be between 2, 3, 5, 10 different people, so long as only those people are involved. Don't think of it as a doorway for analogy, instead think of circuitry.

I understand what you are trying to say, but a closed relationship with more than two people is called polyamory. The key thing in those relationships is that the third, forth, or whatever person is a regular part of the relationship. It is not someone who comes and goes after a couple nights. As long as people are comfortable with the way things are I guess the name does not matter, but the strong distaste for calling things open is strange to me. Open or closed relationships are just names and do not affect how much love the partners share for one another, but maybe there is something I am unaware of that makes some people avoid one name or the other.

 

[AmberCutie]

I am sorry, but you can not have a threesome unless you are in an open relationship of some sort. If it is a closed relationship no one else would be able to enter it. I have no problem with either type, but if a door is not closed it is open.

I want to go back to this because I think I see where Shaun is confused (you may disagree, but read on). Whether a relationship is open or closed doesn't depend on the number of people involved, it depends on the relationship of a number of people. Let's put it this way: in an open relationship, anyone can go fuck anyone with an established set of boundaries (usually). In a closed relationship, there's a number of people involved who only keep the activity amongst themselves. A closed relationship can be between 2, 3, 5, 10 different people, so long as only those people are involved. Don't think of it as a doorway for analogy, instead think of circuitry.

I understand what you are trying to say, but a closed relationship with more than two people is called polyamory.

Threesomes most frequently are NOT relationships, they're just sex and fun. Polyamory would be when there's a relationship carried on with more than one partner. I think this thread is discussing sex, are we not?

Open or closed relationships are just names and do not affect how much love the partners share for one another, but maybe there is something I am unaware of that makes some people avoid one name or the other.

Because "open" implies "freedom". These scenarios we are all discussing aren't just random free sexcapades by one partner or the other, it's a consensual party that both people in the relationship take part in. Together.

 

[Jupiter551]

That's not a double standard, a double standard would be if you girls wanted another man involved and he refused

But doesnt that contradict your previous statement

*snip*

(I havnt slept in over 24 hours, dont judge me if Im just confused lol.)

That's exactly what I thought when I read it, hah. I was like wait... what? Didn't he just disagree with me when I said the exact same thing he just said?

Yeah I see your point, and I think this is murky territory of debate because it kind of rests on that difficult-to-establish thing called intent.

I think what I was trying to say is that it requires at least a hypothetical of the situation. So I guess then I would say in both cases hypothetically if Amber wanted another man involved and Jawbs refused it would be a double standard, similarly if Curvyredhead and her gal wanted another man involved and their guy refused then it would be a double standard. (Also if AnaVictoria wanted another guy involved and it wasn't be it would be a sad day lol D: ).

I worded it pretty awkwardly probably because I was trying to get my head around what I thought about the situation too, I think the main difference I saw between Amber's post and Curvy's was in Amber's I was addressing whether or not it rested on her desire to enter into one and whether she would expect it of Jawbs - in Curvy's she was just flat-out saying they like it that way, without adding qualifiers.

In both cases though, I believe it's a double standard if the MMF is brought up after the MFF has been partaken in, and one party refuses.

Again I think it's because, as a guy, I realise that the prospect of an MFF is akin to being offered two cupcakes, while an MMF is like having your cupcake cut in half and handed off to some dude who possibly has a bigger dick. lol.

 

[Shaun__]

I am sorry, but you can not have a threesome unless you are in an open relationship of some sort. If it is a closed relationship no one else would be able to enter it. I have no problem with either type, but if a door is not closed it is open.

I want to go back to this because I think I see where Shaun is confused (you may disagree, but read on). Whether a relationship is open or closed doesn't depend on the number of people involved, it depends on the relationship of a number of people. Let's put it this way: in an open relationship, anyone can go fuck anyone with an established set of boundaries (usually). In a closed relationship, there's a number of people involved who only keep the activity amongst themselves. A closed relationship can be between 2, 3, 5, 10 different people, so long as only those people are involved. Don't think of it as a doorway for analogy, instead think of circuitry.

I understand what you are trying to say, but a closed relationship with more than two people is called polyamory.

Threesomes most frequently are NOT relationships, they're just sex and fun. Polyamory would be when there's a relationship carried on with more than one partner. I think this thread is discussing sex, are we not?

lordmagellan brought that up not me, as he was trying to explain how I was wrong.

Open or closed relationships are just names and do not affect how much love the partners share for one another, but maybe there is something I am unaware of that makes some people avoid one name or the other.

Because "open" implies "freedom". These scenarios we are all discussing aren't just random free sexcapades by one partner or the other, it's a consensual party that both people in the relationship take part in. Together.

You are having sex with other people, and that seems free to me. You both decided as a couple that it is something you would enjoy doing together and you opened up your life to outsiders. You can call it whatever you wish too, but as it was described to me that would me called an open relationship. I have know several people in open relationships, and even the swingers had rules they agreed to follow. No one has ever been free with no restrictions holding them back, but I am sure there are some of those people somewhere. The only way I could see this as a closed relationship is if the third person was just viewed as a fancy sex toy. I personally could never see a person as something like that. It is as you said your relationship, and you will call it whatever you want to. This is only my own personal views and nothing else.

 

[DivSavel]

It definitely can be a double standard, particularly in the case of straight women being uninterested in threesomes. I personally do playing with girls, but I'd assume many of the straight girls being asked to do threesomes are not interested in it. I've seen some "lesbian" porn where the ladies were disgusted with each other save for the occasional smile at the camera. It's REALLY awkward. I don't support the idea of anyone getting into a threesome (or any sexual interaction) unless all parties are into it. To expect or try to get your partner to do anything sexual that they don't explicitly enjoy themselves seems unfair to me (Yes, even if it's a "birthday gift").

If the straight girl is actually curious or would enjoy it, that's a different case. But, as has been said, if you're going to ask your straight girlfriend (who isn't interested in banging women) to engage in a FFM threesome, be prepared to repay the favor by making out with a dude. Even if she doesn't get off on it, it's only fair.

The comments that men feel less threatened by women banging their girl actually are kind of silly to me. It is no less likely for a woman to fall in love with a random male fling than it is for her to fall in love with a random woman. As psychology says, women tend to be more sexually flexible. I thought I was straight for years- you never know when a woman might come into your girl's life and make her realize she swings both ways. ;P

 

[rexcode]

I understand what you are trying to say, but a closed relationship with more than two people is called polyamory. The key thing in those relationships is that the third, forth, or whatever person is a regular part of the relationship. It is not someone who comes and goes after a couple nights.

Oh no! This means I've never had a threesome! :crybaby:

 

[LadyLuna]

1. Double standard issues

-a double standard is when something is okay for one person, but not okay for the other. The confusion here is in that there are two choices.

Let's turn it into ice cream, and the two choices are chocolate and vanilla. I'll say I don't like chocolate. I say that since I don't like chocolate, you can't have chocolate either. There are three possibilities for what you like.

1. You don't like chocolate, and do like vanilla. No double standard (we both get what we want).

2. You like both vanilla and chocolate. Double standard is unclear (I get what I want, you get some of what you want, but aren't being denied anything I get).

3. You don't like vanilla, and only like chocolate. Double standard is definite (I get what I want, you don't get what you want).

---

Open relationship stuff

Open relationship implies that one or both partners are free to sleep around as much as they want. There may be certain boundaries involved, but most anyone else is fair game.

Closed relationship implies that only people within the actual romantic relationship are okay, anyone outside that relationship is off-limits.

Threesomes where a couple brings in someone else for a night or two, would be somewhere between closed and open, because it's not whoever the one person wants, both people have to agree, but it's temporary, not permanent.

 

[curvyredhead]

I hate to bring this up...esp since it looks like you guys got Jupitar to perhaps slightly agree with you all....but...

My GF would love to bring another man into the mix...but it is the general censes, majority rules....that would not be best.

 

[Jupiter551]

I hate to bring this up...esp since it looks like you guys got Jupitar to perhaps slightly agree with you all....but...

My GF would love to bring another man into the mix...but it is the general censes, majority rules....that would not be best.

I didn't agree they just confused me with pheromones!

2. You like both vanilla and chocolate. Double standard is unclear (I get what I want, you get some of what you want, but aren't being denied anything I get).

Better example than I've been able to come up with so far but one issue: what if wanting variety is also an important component? In the above example you always get what you want, and I may never fully get what I want (vanilla AND chocolate, or all chocolate).

How about if we change the analogy around a bit to make it clearer. We have a couple, each has a friend the other barely knows, and enough money for one double-scoop icecream between the couple. We decide on the flavours, both enjoy it and then you politely ask if I'd mind if your friend would like some, I agree because it's the nice thing to do (and let's just pretend here we don't care about strangers licking our food) he/she has a taste and passes it back, now my friend asks you (currently holding the cone) if he could try and you say NO based on the fact that you don't know him, regardless of if it would embarass me in front of my friend. I think that's a double-standard.