In love, jealous, miserable.

[rubbersoul]

Hello.

I have some big problems.

More than a year ago I registered on a cam site and started talking to a model who had just started working. I ended up liking her and I stuck around. I've had a pretty difficult period in my life and I'm really lonely and this model has been a really good friend. And it seems I fell in love. I don't talk to other models, partly because I haven't really wanted to and partly because it would feel weird, like I was being disloyal.

In the beginning things were great and I felt fantastic and very happy to have this new friend. Then over time it became a little more difficult to find fun and interesting things to say and I started to feel like maybe I'm a little boring. And it has started to feel like the time I spend in her room isn't always just because I like being there. It feels like there's also an aspect of addiction or obligation. I think I'm in love to the point where it's really unhealthy. I'll sit in the room even though I know I should really do something else.

And, at some point this other guy showed up. I think he's also in love. He's also there A LOT. And I think she likes him quite a bit back. She smiles and laughs a lot when they talk. She gets a look on her face that she doesn't have when she talks to other people. And she starts missing a lot of things in the chat. People will ask things, tip, say they want a private, and then leave when she doesn't respond. Often the room will become more or less empty except for them and me and they will just sit and talk to each other. I'm also 99.999% sure they talk off-site, which I don't think she does with anybody else. I don't know if she's in love with him exactly, but she definitely likes him. He's not a big spender and it's not about the money.

And, well, the jealousy is REAL. It's bad, bad, bad.

If he's not in the room, I usually feel pretty good. If he's there, I feel absolutely terrible. And he's there A LOT.

I wish I didn't feel like this. I wish I could just be her friend and that everybody else wouldn't matter. But I don't know how to be less in love and how to get rid of the jealousy. I don't want to be in love, I want to be just friends.

I don't know what to do. I like this woman very much and I don't want to lose this friendship. But things can't continue like this. I'm so very miserable.

The obvious advice seems like it would be "stop being in love and stop being jealous" but I don't even know if I can!!

 

[AmberCutie]

The obvious advice seems like it would be "stop being in love and stop being jealous" but I don't even know if I can!!

I think the more obvious advice would be to look at your tipping/spending habits in her room since you've started feeling less important than the other guy. Because the harsh truth is, it's a friendly relationship, but it likely isn't an actual friendship that goes beyond keeping each other company while she's online to work.

 

[MarieElise]

Hello.

I have some big problems.

More than a year ago I registered on a cam site and started talking to a model who had just started working. I ended up liking her and I stuck around. I've had a pretty difficult period in my life and I'm really lonely and this model has been a really good friend. And it seems I fell in love. I don't talk to other models, partly because I haven't really wanted to and partly because it would feel weird, like I was being disloyal.

In the beginning things were great and I felt fantastic and very happy to have this new friend. Then over time it became a little more difficult to find fun and interesting things to say and I started to feel like maybe I'm a little boring. And it has started to feel like the time I spend in her room isn't always just because I like being there. It feels like there's also an aspect of addiction or obligation. I think I'm in love to the point where it's really unhealthy. I'll sit in the room even though I know I should really do something else.

And, at some point this other guy showed up. I think he's also in love. He's also there A LOT. And I think she likes him quite a bit back. She smiles and laughs a lot when they talk. She gets a look on her face that she doesn't have when she talks to other people. And she starts missing a lot of things in the chat. People will ask things, tip, say they want a private, and then leave when she doesn't respond. Often the room will become more or less empty except for them and me and they will just sit and talk to each other. I'm also 99.999% sure they talk off-site, which I don't think she does with anybody else. I don't know if she's in love with him exactly, but she definitely likes him. He's not a big spender and it's not about the money.

And, well, the jealousy is REAL. It's bad, bad, bad.

If he's not in the room, I usually feel pretty good. If he's there, I feel absolutely terrible. And he's there A LOT.

I wish I didn't feel like this. I wish I could just be her friend and that everybody else wouldn't matter. But I don't know how to be less in love and how to get rid of the jealousy. I don't want to be in love, I want to be just friends.

I don't know what to do. I like this woman very much and I don't want to lose this friendship. But things can't continue like this. I'm so very miserable.

The obvious advice seems like it would be "stop being in love and stop being jealous" but I don't even know if I can!!

Not to split hairs but that is really not love. You might be telling yourself it's love, but i think addiction, compulsion, infatuation might be better, more accurate words to describe what is going on here. Especially since you know fine well you should be doing other things, but are there nevertheless. It also sounds (just from your language here) like this isn't doing a whole lot for your self-esteem.

I'm not trying to split hairs, but neither of you is "in love", maybe "in lust" or "infatuated", or "addicted". But "in love", no. Sometimes, even correcting these small linguistic errors can help frame the situation and possibly help you get some clarity on why you are behaving this way. I wouldn't say stop being in love or stop being jealous, I would say, "stop visiting this model". If it's affordable, consider going to talk to a therapist (especially if you try to stop visiting and you feel like you really can't); this could be a symptom of a whole other problem or issue, and talking it through with an objective professional could help you gain some clarity. It sounds like you have an attachment or habit, so time to make a new one, and change the behavior and thought routine. Replace it with something else pleasurable that brings you some kind of payoff, because although this may have done at some point, it doesn't sound like it is anymore.

 

[Vixxen81]

Some people tickle our brains and others make our brains itch. I've actually experienced this to the point where the guy in your position created a new username to sit in the room and watch "but not participate" because he thought it was expected (and it is) to participate once you're a known tipper. I banned the unknown to me user name because it was constantly coming in and out of the room and just filling up my screen with enter notifications. It was right before my 13 year anniversary on CB and I was really excited to celebrate it.

I invited the user to come into the room on a Friday, my anniversary was on a Sunday. He blew me off and said he was tired and then when I mentioned that he should be there on Sunday he finally had to confess...

See when I ban someone on CB, it takes all of their known to CB accounts with it, but I don't know specifically which accounts are banned just [x] accounts were banned along with this one kind of thing.

He had to send me a message on OF that he preferred to watch me struggle because he was so jealous of others getting my attention but couldn't/I wouldn't accept private shows for reasons and basically laid it all at my feet that I was the problem.

No, I am myself. 100%. All day, every day. And I'm going to focus my attention where I feel like it makes me money. BECAUSE IT'S A JOB.

And at the end of the day, high tippers are nice but repeating tippers that get others to tip sustain me when the high tippers have a tantrum.

 

[NotYou]

Have you actually tried the obvious thing of not being in her room all of the time? Go find other models if you want to stay online, or even better, go do other things like you know you should.
You will clearly find over time, you're not in love and in fact, you are just bored and lonely and she was helping to fill a void for you.

Meet some other models and spend time and tips on them, but go into it with a relaxed and open mind, knowing it's not about love. Just enjoy.

 

[rubbersoul]

Thanks so much for the replies, I REALLY appreciate it!! This is a huge struggle in my life right now, and being able to talk about it and hear other perspectives is amazing.

Hmm, is it love?

Yeah, maybe it isn't, it's all pretty hard to put into words... It's sort of a tangle of different emotions and things. Like a big bunch of tangled rope in thick fog.

About my spending, I suppose I didn't want to talk about it because I don't want to be entitled. And I don't want her to feel like she *needs* to talk to me even if she doesn't want to, just because I spend money.

But... I spend way more than the other guy. Not just in total, but consistently, each month. I'm pretty sure I've been this model's biggest spender from the start.

And I think that's part of the psychological strain. If I spend more, but she still prefers the other guy... Well, what am I supposed to make of that?

I think the most difficult thing about potentially leaving is that I really do see her as a friend. Like, a really good and important one. And, even if I feel like she finds me boring now and prefers the other guy, a part of me thinks she would be quite upset if I left. We have been through quite a bit together.

I've had similar feelings to these before, they've been coming sort of in waves for a while. And one time I floated the idea to her of spending less time in the room. I didn't say that I was leaving, but the thought was on my mind, and I think she could sense that. I said something like, I have a lot of things going on in my life and going forward I don't know how much I can still be here. And, oh wow, did she cry... She just cried and cried... I have never seen so much tears come from a person's eyes. I was pretty shocked, and it made me think that... I must mean at least something to her. And I stayed.

Now? I don't know. It's difficult to stay away from the room, very difficult. And the thought of leaving is very difficult too. But I'm not feeling well from all of this. Something needs to change, one way or another.

 

[MarieElise]

Thanks so much for the replies, I REALLY appreciate it!! This is a huge struggle in my life right now, and being able to talk about it and hear other perspectives is amazing.

Hmm, is it love?

Yeah, maybe it isn't, it's all pretty hard to put into words... It's sort of a tangle of different emotions and things. Like a big bunch of tangled rope in thick fog.

About my spending, I suppose I didn't want to talk about it because I don't want to be entitled. And I don't want her to feel like she *needs* to talk to me even if she doesn't want to, just because I spend money.

But... I spend way more than the other guy. Not just in total, but consistently, each month. I'm pretty sure I've been this model's biggest spender from the start.

And I think that's part of the psychological strain. If I spend more, but she still prefers the other guy... Well, what am I supposed to make of that?

I think the most difficult thing about potentially leaving is that I really do see her as a friend. Like, a really good and important one. And, even if I feel like she finds me boring now and prefers the other guy, a part of me thinks she would be quite upset if I left. We have been through quite a bit together.

I've had similar feelings to these before, they've been coming sort of in waves for a while. And one time I floated the idea to her of spending less time in the room. I didn't say that I was leaving, but the thought was on my mind, and I think she could sense that. I said something like, I have a lot of things going on in my life and going forward I don't know how much I can still be here. And, oh wow, did she cry... She just cried and cried... I have never seen so much tears come from a person's eyes. I was pretty shocked, and it made me think that... I must mean at least something to her. And I stayed.

Now? I don't know. It's difficult to stay away from the room, very difficult. And the thought of leaving is very difficult too. But I'm not feeling well from all of this. Something needs to change, one way or another.

Idk if this info will help, but in 13 years, I have cried over exactly 4 clients.

1 was positive, he decided to leave and join the seminary, and didn't want to be a hypocrite, consuming porn while doing so. While I don't agree with that, I can respect it, and I cried because I would miss him as a friend and as someone I felt an emotional connection to.

The other 3 times, unfortunately, were all situations where I had to block and make them leave, after realizing I had started to build an emotional connection with someone who was out for themselves, and ultimately, to exploit me. Whether they were conscious of it or not. So the tears were tears of frustration and disappointment. Because none of these 3 people ended up being examples of men I could admire or see as strong, and as good examples of healthy men. And yet, I had mistakenly began building a cl,oser emotional connection to them, without realizing what was to come, and to be uncovered about them.

None of these 4 times did I cry because I was worried in the slightest about missed income, nor that I was "in love".

I had a whale leave me when I got pregnant because my body type changed, and along with that he didn't like it wasn't him. I never cried, even though the $1000 a week he was spending on me was gonna disappear. It got replaced very quickly, as I knew it would. I still like and care for him as a person though, but I know the connection was very superficial if all it took was 10lbs, and some dick, to make him skuttle off.

 

[NotYou]

Thanks so much for the replies, I REALLY appreciate it!! This is a huge struggle in my life right now, and being able to talk about it and hear other perspectives is amazing.

Hmm, is it love?

Yeah, maybe it isn't, it's all pretty hard to put into words... It's sort of a tangle of different emotions and things. Like a big bunch of tangled rope in thick fog.

About my spending, I suppose I didn't want to talk about it because I don't want to be entitled. And I don't want her to feel like she *needs* to talk to me even if she doesn't want to, just because I spend money.

But... I spend way more than the other guy. Not just in total, but consistently, each month. I'm pretty sure I've been this model's biggest spender from the start.

And I think that's part of the psychological strain. If I spend more, but she still prefers the other guy... Well, what am I supposed to make of that?

I think the most difficult thing about potentially leaving is that I really do see her as a friend. Like, a really good and important one. And, even if I feel like she finds me boring now and prefers the other guy, a part of me thinks she would be quite upset if I left. We have been through quite a bit together.

I've had similar feelings to these before, they've been coming sort of in waves for a while. And one time I floated the idea to her of spending less time in the room. I didn't say that I was leaving, but the thought was on my mind, and I think she could sense that. I said something like, I have a lot of things going on in my life and going forward I don't know how much I can still be here. And, oh wow, did she cry... She just cried and cried... I have never seen so much tears come from a person's eyes. I was pretty shocked, and it made me think that... I must mean at least something to her. And I stayed.

Now? I don't know. It's difficult to stay away from the room, very difficult. And the thought of leaving is very difficult too. But I'm not feeling well from all of this. Something needs to change, one way or another.

I think the biggest thing you should do is step away completely for a few weeks or months. Literally don't visit her at all. Go do anything else, be it in life or seeing other models. Don't even think about her or visit her for 30 seconds just to be curious. You will definitely see how much you definitely didn't love her once you do this and put your mind on other things. Right now if you're spending all day, every day with her, it's more of a fixation, addiction, rather than being in love. It has filled a huge void for you so it's become a "norm" for you and feels "comfortable" and nice, but once you realise that's all it is, you will see you will be much happier and much more relaxed.

 

[rockin_rod]

Not trying to undermine this advice ^, but my take on what OP has written is that he's going to struggle to make a clean break overnight.
If so, I'd suggest that you just start by reducing how much time you spend in her room. You don't need to be the first viewer in, nor the last one out.
Join part of the show, prove to yourself that you can enjoy being there, and then exit. If you find it difficult to not be there when you know she's online, make a plan to go for a walk, meet a friend, head to the gym, do your groceries, whatever distracts you and keeps you occupied. It will get easier with time, and then you can decide to miss an entire show, rather than just part of it.
Do not get into the games that your mind will play with you about leaving her with the other regular.
Hopefully you will feel a lot more in control of your behaviour, and your feelings will become a lot clearer as a result.

 

[NotYou]

Not trying to undermine this advice ^, but my take on what OP has written is that he's going to struggle to make a clean break overnight.
If so, I'd suggest that you just start by reducing how much time you spend in her room. You don't need to be the first viewer in, nor the last one out.
Join part of the show, prove to yourself that you can enjoy being there, and then exit. If you find it difficult to not be there when you know she's online, make a plan to go for a walk, meet a friend, head to the gym, do your groceries, whatever distracts you and keeps you occupied. It will get easier with time, and then you can decide to miss an entire show, rather than just part of it.
Do not get into the games that your mind will play with you about leaving her with the other regular.
Hopefully you will feel a lot more in control of your behaviour, and your feelings will become a lot clearer as a result.

I guess this is another tactic to use. I think ultimately it depends on how the individual thinks he can cope: going cold turkey or reducing bit by bit, being weened off - like an addict.

 

[LilyLaughing]

This is wild … tapering off a model as if it’s a physical addiction with serious withdrawal symptoms? But OP does show signs of addiction including craving, continuing despite negative consequences, and finding it hard to stay away…so I think the best thing is to stay away from cam sites completely. The best advice I can offer is to find a healthier hobby or two that you are passionate about, and if you don’t have that, try a bunch of stuff until you do. That will also help with the “maybe I’m boring” bit you expressed in your first post.

Best luck!

P.S. a few bits of perspective:
1. I’ve been on an off cams since ~y2k and I have never cried over a client, and I cry A LOT. I suspect she was (over)acting, especially if the tears were as prolific as you describe.
2. The minute a client expresses jealousy of other people in the room, I know they are going to follow a trajectory like this and I will lose them as a client, usually because they finally realize I’m not in love with them back and they move on to “fall in love” with another model.
3. Private tipping and multiple platforms being a thing, it is never safe to assume you know how much someone else tips.
4. Camming is a job. It’s a business. It’s how we earn a living. It’s transactional. Sexwork is work…all that stuff to remind you this is entertainment only.

 

[misterical]

Do not get into the games that your mind will play with you about leaving her with the other regular.

This actually lines up the question I have for the OP. Or a couple of questions actually.

1. Do you find yourself feeling less anxious on days she doesn't turn up for work or on her scheduled rest day in the week?
2. Is the main reason you feel the need to be in the room all the time because you can't bear the thought of the other guy being there with her alone?

If the answer to either of those things is yes then you've got an uphill battle in front of you to be honest.

 

[MarieElise]

Yeah the cold turkey thing doesn't work for everyone, good point. It can actually make it worse when they relapse and fail, then get even worse self esteem from the self judgement over failing. And get in this black and white cycle of relapse and then feeling guilty and like a failure, which them kicks them further into the addiction, which they use as a form of escape or help with the negative feelings over "failure". Harm reduction or tapering might be more productive.

Try not to get into self judgement when you do go see her. It's good to care about another person. But it's not good to care about another person when it crosses the line and results in you not doing what you need to for yourself, first and foremost. Codependency is the devil. And leads people to extreme despair or has the potential to anyway.

I watch this channel on YouTube called ; soft white underbelly. It might help to go listen to some people's stories on there. People who have struggled with all kinds of real life issues go talk, mainly honestly, about what they've been through. The guy who runs it, Mark, is a good photographer and I see his whole channel as a really great work of art (realism). Just , in general, it can help to listen and watch others who have struggled with similar issues. Hunter Biden recently went on there. Buddha Betty is my fave interview, ever, of the over 10 000 though. If anyone is interested it really is a great channel! Deals with the theme of addiction a lot!

 

[Maxi]

I love so many of these responses - really good advice and excellent questions to help OP.

@rubbersoul are you a Beatles fan?

 

[rubbersoul]

Yeah all of these responses are kind of overwhelming in a very good way. Thanks a lot to everybody.

I'm gonna try to address some things that have come up.

Idk if this info will help, but in 13 years, I have cried over exactly 4 clients.

1 was positive, he decided to leave and join the seminary, and didn't want to be a hypocrite, consuming porn while doing so. While I don't agree with that, I can respect it, and I cried because I would miss him as a friend and as someone I felt an emotional connection to.

The other 3 times, unfortunately, were all situations where I had to block and make them leave, after realizing I had started to build an emotional connection with someone who was out for themselves, and ultimately, to exploit me. Whether they were conscious of it or not. So the tears were tears of frustration and disappointment. Because none of these 3 people ended up being examples of men I could admire or see as strong, and as good examples of healthy men. And yet, I had mistakenly began building a cl,oser emotional connection to them, without realizing what was to come, and to be uncovered about them.

None of these 4 times did I cry because I was worried in the slightest about missed income, nor that I was "in love".

I had a whale leave me when I got pregnant because my body type changed, and along with that he didn't like it wasn't him. I never cried, even though the $1000 a week he was spending on me was gonna disappear. It got replaced very quickly, as I knew it would. I still like and care for him as a person though, but I know the connection was very superficial if all it took was 10lbs, and some dick, to make him skuttle off.

Yes totally helpful!! I really appreciate hearing that perspective, and I want to say I'm really sorry that you had to go through those things.

As far as the crying goes, this woman is pretty emotive. And this is not the only time I've seen her cry. I don't want to say that it means this or that, but at the time it definitely made me think that it would make more of a difference to her whether I stay or go, than I thought. But of course, people and people's lives are complex. She could have had other things going on right then, and maybe this was just the thing that made the glass overflow. I don't know and I don't want to assume too much.

I suspect she was (over)acting, especially if the tears were as prolific as you describe.

I can totally get that skepticism, but it was real. When she was sitting there her eyes would just not stop running. It would be impossible to fake a physical response like that. I get how it sounds when I say it, but I'm really sure it wasn't acting.

2. The minute a client expresses jealousy of other people in the room, I know they are going to follow a trajectory like this and I will lose them as a client, usually because they finally realize I’m not in love with them back and they move on to “fall in love” with another model.
3. Private tipping and multiple platforms being a thing, it is never safe to assume you know how much someone else tips.
4. Camming is a job. It’s a business. It’s how we earn a living. It’s transactional. Sexwork is work…all that stuff to remind you this is entertainment only.

2. Yeah, I can totally get that. I guess I'm hoping I can go a different way. I think an advantage I have is that I know full and well that she's not in love with me, and I don't want or expect that. That said, the jealousy is there regardless of that.
3. Yes, for sure, and it's a good point. I have indications and thoughts, but I'm not gonna say that I know everything 100%.
4. Yeah, fair!

This actually lines up the question I have for the OP. Or a couple of questions actually.

1. Do you find yourself feeling less anxious on days she doesn't turn up for work or on her scheduled rest day in the week?
2. Is the main reason you feel the need to be in the room all the time because you can't bear the thought of the other guy being there with her alone?

If the answer to either of those things is yes then you've got an uphill battle in front of you to be honest.

1. Yes.
2. It's an aspect. But at the same time, I know there's not much I can do about it.

And... Yeah, uphill battle sounds about right, ha!! But I'm feeling better. It's gonna be alright one way or another. It's just a matter of how it's gonna play out in the end. But everybody in the story will be alright.

Yeah the cold turkey thing doesn't work for everyone, good point. It can actually make it worse when they relapse and fail, then get even worse self esteem from the self judgement over failing. And get in this black and white cycle of relapse and then feeling guilty and like a failure, which them kicks them further into the addiction, which they use as a form of escape or help with the negative feelings over "failure". Harm reduction or tapering might be more productive.

Try not to get into self judgement when you do go see her. It's good to care about another person. But it's not good to care about another person when it crosses the line and results in you not doing what you need to for yourself, first and foremost. Codependency is the devil. And leads people to extreme despair or has the potential to anyway.

I watch this channel on YouTube called ; soft white underbelly. It might help to go listen to some people's stories on there. People who have struggled with all kinds of real life issues go talk, mainly honestly, about what they've been through. The guy who runs it, Mark, is a good photographer and I see his whole channel as a really great work of art (realism). Just , in general, it can help to listen and watch others who have struggled with similar issues. Hunter Biden recently went on there. Buddha Betty is my fave interview, ever, of the over 10 000 though. If anyone is interested it really is a great channel! Deals with the theme of addiction a lot!

Yeah, that second paragraph hits pretty hard. I think I will need to read it a couple more times.

I will totally check that yt channel out!! Sounds great.

@rubbersoul are you a Beatles fan?

For sure!


Now, generally about tapering off/cold turkey, etc.

So I've been thinking a lot...

I feel like the first question is, where am I going, where do I see myself ending up? And it's basically either leaving or staying. So the question becomes, can I resolve this and still maintain some form of active friendship with the model? Maybe not. But if I don't give that a serious attempt then I won't know.

So I think I want to, at first, try to fix the issues without leaving completely. I'm not sure exactly how. Staying away when she's online is a big issue.

And then, if I try and it doesn't work, then probably I will need to leave. But if I've tried seriously to resolve everything without leaving, and it didn't work, then it might be easier to admit to myself that I need to leave. And then maybe even going cold turkey could work. I'm not sure.

But I'll say this about how I feel:

1. I want to be able to keep this friendship, because I really like her as a person. I imagine a scenario where I resolved this stuff, and I have a casual friendship with her. That would be so great.

2. There's feelings of guilt when I think about leaving. I know I need to take care of myself, but I feel guilt when I think about leaving.