Jokes - post em' if ya got em'

[ga5457]

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency.


Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability and the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.


The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.


The couple replied, "we've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."


Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.


The response: "our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."


The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "what age child are you hoping to adopt?"


The couple replies, "it doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."

 

[ga5457]

Subject: my upcoming colonoscopy

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy on a
recommendation I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San
Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and
accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an
erection," the nurse told me.

"I haven't got an erection," I replied.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco

 

[Bocefish]

This made me laugh...

 

[Misono]

There are two types of people who follow Trump on Twitter;

Fuckwits, and people who want to see what fuckwits are thinking.

 

[ga5457]

SENIORS COMPLEX RULES

On the first day at the new Seniors Complex, the manager addressed all the new
seniors pointing out some of the rules:

"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male quarters to the females.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.

Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.

Are there any questions?"

An older gentleman stood up in the crowd and inquired:

"How much for a season pass ???

 

[ga5457]

NEWS FROM MINNESOTA
The toilet seat was invented in Minnesota … but twenty years later a North Dakotan invented the hole in it.
————————————————————————

OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS
When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, 'I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents.'

————————————
VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE
Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish. 'The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400,' said the first Norwegian.
'Vell,' said the other one, 'At dat price it's a good ting ve didn't catch any more.'

————————————————————————
THE RELATIONS
Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee.
' Lena , vat ever happened tew our sex relations?' he asked.
'Vell, Ole, I yust don't know,' replied Lena.
'I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas.'

————————————————————————
MUSIC SOLUTION
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.
'Oh,' said Ole, 'I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet.'
'How come?' asked Lars.
'Vell,' Ole answered, 'because vith a clarinet, she can't sing.'

————————————————————————
THE PRANK CALL
The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole and Lena are in bed and Ole answers. 'Vell how da hell should I know, dats two tousand miles from here' he says and hangs up.
'Who vas dat?' asks Lena.
'I donno, some fool vanting to know if da coast vas clear.’

————————————————————————
HONEYMOON TRIP
On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena 's knee. Giggling, Lena said, 'Ole, you can go farther dan dat if you vant to'.
So Ole drove to Dulute.

————————————————————————
DA PARTY
Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the little town of Montevideo, Minnesota. The policeman, who was a good friend of Ole's, said, 'Ole ... What in the world are you doing? Where are your clothes? You're naked.'
'Yah, I know,' said Ole. 'You see, I vas over to dat 'playboy' Swen's for his birthday party. Dere vas about ten of us. Dere vas boys and girls.'
'Is that right?' his policeman friend asked.
'Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Swen, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom!' 'So vee all go into the bedroom ... where den he yells, 'Everybody git naked!' 'Vell, vee all got undressed. Den he yells, 'Everybody go to town!'
I guess I'm the first one here!'

 

[WildFingers]

A retired guy sits around the house all day so one day his wife says, “you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week”. The guy gives it a moment’s thought and says; “sure why not. Show me to the vacuum.

Half an hour later, the guy comes into the kitchen to get some coffee. His wife says, “I didn't hear the vacuum working, I thought you were using it”?
Exasperated he answers,”The stupid thing is broken, it won't start. We need to buy a new one”.“Really”, she says, “show me - it worked fine the last time”.

So he did Click Here

 

[SeductiveAngel]

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

Love Denise!!

 

[ga5457]

I'm sure the ladies here won't like this one. Just remember, it's just a joke. That being said:


Three blonde women are on one side of a river wondering how they will get across.


The first one decides to pray saying, “God please make me smart enough to get across this river.” So God turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river.



The second also prays saying, “Dear God, please make me twice as smart as the last girl so I can get across this river.” So God turns her into a red head and she builds a boat and rows across the river.



The third also prays, “Dear God, please make me twice as smart as both of those women combined.” So God turns her into a man and she walks across the bridge.

 

[ga5457]

Paddy says to Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."
Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old.
Paddy asks, "Does it hurt?"
Mick says, " Well I couldn't walk for about a year."

 

[Nordling]

My four year old daughter had a terrible case of the flu. She was achy, had a high fever, and was terribly hoarse. After waiting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office for over an hour we were finally admitted to see the Doctor.

After the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the Doctor asked my daughter, “So what would you say is bothering you the most?”

After a brief pause, my daughter replied, “My little brother Steven, he always breaks my toys.”

 

[ga5457]

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

 

[ga5457]

Obama Goes to Heaven

....George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He
slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy
The Nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You
wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why
I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Obama with a long cane and snarled,
"It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of
Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as James Monroe and 66 other
early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical, socialist, leader.

As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Obama wept and
said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting
for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

 

[ga5457]

Had a bad accident today...

I had a terrible accident tonight, but I am doing better now. I decided to go horseback riding, I haven't done that in years. Well, I got on the horse and we started out slow, and then we went a little faster, then suddenly we were going as fast as the horse could go. I fell off, my foot caught in the stirrup and the horse was dragging me. If it was not for the quick thinking of the man I now owe my life to, I probably would not have made it .... Thank you to the store manager at Walmart who came and unplugged the machine....

 

[ga5457]

Truisms

- If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

- I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

- Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

- I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will remind me with, "Your password is incorrect."

- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

- I'm great at multi- tasking- - I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

- If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

- Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

- Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?

- Take my advice - I'm not using it.

- My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

- I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

- Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

- Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

- I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

- Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more- talented fool.

- I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

- Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

- If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

- Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

- When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.

- My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test- - the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

- There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

- Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

- He who laughs last thinks slowest.

- Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

- Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do- it- yourself type.

- I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

- The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.

- I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.

- I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

- If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

- Money is the root of all wealth.

- No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 

[ga5457]

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of
them says to the
bartender, "Don't mind us; as you can see, we're joined side by side at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim.
Two Molson Canadian draft beers, please."


The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on vacation yet, boys"?

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture ..."

"Nah, we don't like all that British stuff," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."


Bartender asks: Then why keep going to England?


"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

 

[ga5457]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would
just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a
gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple
of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a
problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who
told him she was lost. She asked,"Can you tell me how to get to 1603
Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that
house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the
goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll
be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the
alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your
way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold
you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

 

[ga5457]

NEVER LOSE YOUR GRANDSON! A HEARTWARMING STORY!

I lost my Grandson at a Shopping Mall the other day, He was smart enough to approach a uniformed Security Guard and say "Can you help me, I've lost my Grandpa?

The Security Guard asked "What's his name"? and to this my Grandson answered "Grandpa"

The Security Guard then answered "What's he like"?

My Grandson thought for a minute and answered confidently "Crown Royal Whiskey and Women with big tits!

 

[ga5457]

I just want to remind all the ladies, this is just a joke. No offence intended.

Food For Thought!

Just to prove men are better at everything, Bruce Jenner won "Woman of the Year!

 

[Nordling]

A woman had bought lots of shoes over time and she decided it was time to kick the habit. She really took it seriously, even changing her driving route to avoid her favorite shoe store. One evening, however, she arrived home carrying a shoe box. Her husband grinned at her, but it didn't faze her at all.

"These are very special shoes," she explained. "I accidentally drove by the shoe store and there in the window were the most perfect shoes I've ever seen! I felt this was no accident, so I thought I'd let fate decide. If I would get a parking spot directly in front of the shop, the shoes were meant for me. And sure enough, the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

 

[Influenced]

*Sigh* I'll probably get hell for this..but here it goes, ..before I post the cheeeeese is thick in this one..you have been warned. A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. "Do you want a bag?" the cashier asks. "No," the guy says, "she's not that ugly."

 

[ga5457]

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

 

[ga5457]

Two terrorists are in a locker room taking their annual shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other one bending over holding his stomach in agony. He has a huge cork stuck in his butt. "If you do not mind me saying," said the second terrorist, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?



"I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."


"I do not understand," said the other.


The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."


I said, "No shit?"


God Bless America. This story has been Verified by Brian Williams former NBC News anchor. He was there when it happened.

 

[Nikola Tesla]

 

[Admiralfoot]

Little Johnnie is visiting his grandparents. While playing, he runs into his grandfather's den. His grandfather has just lit up a nice Cuban cigar.

Little Johnny asks, "What you got there Grandpa?"

"A nice Cuban Stogie"

"Can I try it?"

"Can your dick touch your ass?" asks Grandpa

"Nope"

"Well when it can, come back and see me and I will let you try it."

So little Johnnie runs back out of the den and plays some more. A little while later he heads back to check on his Grandfather. This time Grandpa has just opened up a cold can of beer.

"Whatcha got there grandpa?" asks Johnnie

"An ice cold brew."

"Can I taste some of that?"

"Can your dick touch your ass?" grandpa asks

"Nope"

"Well when it can, come back and see me and I will let you have some."

Again little Johnnie runs off. A short while later, he wanders back into his Grandpa's den and he has a handful of grandma's homemade chocolate chip cookies.

"Whatcha got there Johnnie?" Asks Grandpa

"Some of grandma's cookies and they are still warm from the oven."

"You want to share some of those with your favorite grandpa?"

"Can your dick touch your ass?" asks Johnnie

"It sure can!!" as he eagerly awaits a cookie

"Well then go fuck yourself! Grandma made these for me!!"

 

[divine-bella]

Not sure if this one's already posted but this is the only joke I have lol

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a jack and coke, the bartender hands him an apple. He says what is this? The bartender says take a bite. The customer bites into the apple and says this tastes like jack. The bartender replies turn it around. The customer turns it around and takes a bite and exclaims this tastes like coke. Another customer walks in and asks for a gin and sprite, the bartender hands him an apple and has the same interaction as the first customer except one side tastes as gin and the other, sprite. Well a third customer walks in and the other customers explain, Hey man this guy has an apple for everything! The third customer says Oh yeah? What about pussy? The bartender hands him and apple and the customer bites into it and says this tastes like ass, and the bartender says turn it around lol

 

[ShilohGables]

two muffins are sitting in an oven.
Muffin #1 turns to the second muffin and goes "whew! It's hot in here"
Muffin #2 looks at the first muffin and goes "ahh! Talking muffin!"
^_^

 

[ga5457]

A friend of mine has 2 box seat tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl.Includes airfares and hotel accommodations,but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding,so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him,it's at St.Peter's Church in New York City at 5 p.m.Look for Brenda in a white dress.

 

[GrannyPants]

What do you get if you stand between two llamas?

Llamanated.

 

[ga5457]

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!
He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ............ but they kind of taste like peppermint.