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Jokes - post em' if ya got em'

Discussion in 'Random Chat' started by WildFingers, Feb 3, 2013.

  1. ga5457

    ga5457 Rocks your Socks

    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2011
    Messages:
    254
    A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station. As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked,

    "Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

    The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left."

    The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said,

    "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

    The little boy replied with a chuckle; "You're kidding me, right?

    You can't even find the Post Office."
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  2. ga5457

    ga5457 Rocks your Socks

    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2011
    Messages:
    254
    Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

    Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

    Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

    Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."

    "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

    "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing."

    He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

    "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

    "Believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  3. GrannyPants

    GrannyPants Member
    V.I.P. Member

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2016
    Messages:
    24
    Why did the blind man fall into the well?

    Because he couldn't see that well.
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  4. EvaGrey

    EvaGrey Member
    Cam Model

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2017
    Messages:
    15
    knock knock

    *whos there*

    Go fuck yourself!


    Sorry... Catch Me If You Can reference. Love that movie
     
  5. emptiedglass

    emptiedglass All your thread are belong to me.

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2013
    Messages:
    1,768
    My paychecks... :arghh:
     
  6. Nikola Tesla

    Nikola Tesla Rocks your Socks

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2016
    Messages:
    328
    tesla.jpg
     
    • Like Like x 3
  7. Phobeus Stargazer

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2017
    Messages:
    15
    What do you get if you mix trump and hillary....

    A racist puppet..
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  8. GrannyPants

    GrannyPants Member
    V.I.P. Member

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2016
    Messages:
    24
    I entered ten puns into a competition to see which one would win.


    No pun in ten did win.
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  9. Phobeus Stargazer

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2017
    Messages:
    15
    What kind of bee makes milk not honey?

    The boobie...
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  10. Lucid1

    Lucid1 Cool Beans

    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2017
    Messages:
    82
    A local factory worker begins his early morning walk to work with newspaper and lunch pail in hand, the same as he has done for the past 20 years. His morning walk takes him past the local insane asylum, which has a tall, wooden privacy fence in front to protect its inhabitants from prying eyes. On this particular morning the man hears a low melodic chant coming from the asylum "Who will be first!?", which gets louder the closer he gets. The man has never heard so much as a peep from the asylum in all of these years, yet he has to be at work on-time, so he dismisses it and continues on to work.

    That afternoon the man gets off work and begins his walk home. As he nears the asylum he begins to hear another, almost monk-like, chant coming from behind the privacy fence "38!"...."38!"...."38!".....

    His curiosity getting the better of him, the man decides this time he's going to investigate. He walks over to the privacy fence, and finding the only knot-hole in the fence, he peers inside...

    ...suddenly, one of the asylum's inhabitants pokes him in the eye with a stick...

    ..."39!"...."39!"...."39!"... :p
     
  11. AudriTwo

    AudriTwo All your thread are belong to me.
    Cam Model

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2014
    Messages:
    1,846
    DHFn40tXgAAf_UU.jpg
     
    • Like Like x 1

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