Jokes - post em' if ya got em'

[sspacekittenn]

These are all so great. A+ ladies, haha. Here's my awful contribution.


A mushroom walks down the street and sees a nice looking bar sign hanging above them. They enter the bar, and take a seat at the stool, motioning the bartender over to them. The bartender approaches the mushroom, looking it up and down while rubbing a wet glass with a damp rag, and says "I'm sorry, you can't be here." The mushroom looks taken aback, and says:

"Why not? I'm a fun guy!"


This is my go-to awful joke, I hope you all enjoyed it.

 

[ga5457]

Four ladies were having coffee together and discussing how important their sons were.

The first one tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second woman says, "Well my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room everyone says 'Your Grace'.'

The third woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you all down, but my son is a cardinal and when he walks into a room people say 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth woman just sits there sipping her coffee in silence.
The first three turn to her and say "Well...?"

She replies.."Well my son is a gorgeous male stripper and when he walks into a room all the woman go...'My God'."

 

[ga5457]

Ron Chester, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife.

 

[Admiralfoot]

Once upon a time, there was a man with a 60 inch dick. He really wanted to have a normal sized penis and the local doctors in town couldn't help him. One day he visited a traveling fortune teller and learned there was a very ugly witch that lived in the forest. If he visited her and could get her to say the word "No", his dick size would shrink in half each time she said it. He thought of what he would ask her and made the trek to the forest to find her. Upon finding her, he got down on one knee and asked her to marry him. She immediately said "No"...BAM...his dick had shrunk to 30 inches. He left amazed, but still thought it was too big. So he found the witch again and got down on one knee and proposed marriage again. Without hesitation, she said "No"...BAM...his cock was now 15 inches long. Relieved he started heading back to town, but still thought it was just too big and if he could get it half this size it would be perfect and he would be happy the rest of his life. So he went back into the forest and found the witch. Again he got down on one knee and asked her to marry him. Exasperated she said, "How many times do I have to tell you, No, No, No, No, No."

 

[Misono]

The cast of Friends enter a department store to escape a sudden rainstorm. They ask one of the assistants where the umbrellas are kept.

"Aisle B. They're for you when the rain starts to fall"

 

[ga5457]

A trucker came into a truck stop café and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is...an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said.
"Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up!"

 

[LunaLove]

so dumb but... What do you call nosy pepper? Jalapeno business

 

[JerryBoBerry]

A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home it fucks all the farmer's 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too.

Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead.

Farmer says, "You deserved it, you horny bastard."

The cock opens one eye, points up and says, "Shhhhhh. They're about to land!"

 

[ga5457]

I love this story. Lay down what's bothering you, breathe in the fresh air
and LISTEN to this story.
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow
that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a
bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to
play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or
friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia
back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and,
being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew
left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for
being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out
my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing
Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my
head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never
seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost... it's a man thing.

When you have stopped laughing be sure to forward this on to others who
would enjoy a good story.

 

[ga5457]

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."

You gotta love Grandmas!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Then one-a day you gonna comea home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."

After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"

She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

 

[justjoinedtopost]

...40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

ok, that one got me

 

[ga5457]

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ' Steve’s Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.


I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'


'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

 

[ga5457]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."




The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."




"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

 

[ga5457]

The Polite way to Pee on a Date



During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.


What about you, Johnny? Can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

 

[ga5457]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wipe your nose and then shudder violently. Are you ok?" "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before", he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

 

[ga5457]

IRS

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said,
"I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CFO "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

 

[ga5457]

After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do." said the old man. "After I have sex, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh, that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August."

 

[ga5457]

Just before Chelsea's wedding on July 31st, Hillary asked Chelsea, "Have you had sex with Marc yet?" Chelsea replied, "Not according to Dad."

 

[ga5457]

One day, while going to the store, I passed by Lanark Lodge, a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old
ladies still lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me. I went inside to talk to the
Nursing Home Administrator. 'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'

'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes and they're having a yard
sale.'

 

[ga5457]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.

He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"

she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

 

[ga5457]

Lipstick on the Mirror

According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally, the principal, Sister Mary Double Genuflection With The Blessed Sacrament Exposed, decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary Double Genuflection asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

 

[ga5457]

A Cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.



'Well, I can think of one thing,' he offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'



St. Peter was impressed, 'And When did this happen?'

The cowboy replies 'Couple of minutes ago!'

 

[JerryBoBerry]

A hindu, a rabbi, and a lawyer are traveling together and need to stop for the night. So they stop at the next farmhouse, and find lodging, with the qualification that the house is only big enough for two of them, and one will have to sleep in the barn. So the hindu volunteers and goes out to sleep in the barn while the lawyer and rabbi sleep in the house.

A few minutes later, however, the lawyer and rabbi hear a knock on the door, and opening it, find the hindu who protests "There is a cow in the barn. Surely you can't expect me to sleep with cattle." So the rabbi and the lawyer agree that perhaps the rabbi should trade places with the hindu, and the rabbi goes out.

Within a short time, the hindu and the lawyer are getting ready to go to sleep, when again there is a knock on the door. Opening the door they find the rabbi protesting, "There is a pig in the barn. Surely you can't expect me to sleep with a pig!".

Weary of the whole problem by this time, the lawyer pulls the rabbi into the house, grabs a blanket and heads for the barn. Almost immediately, there is a third knocking at the door, and opening the door they find the pig and the cow. "Surely you can't expect us to sleep with a lawyer."

 

[SMuser69]

A wife and her husband are having an argument. The wife says, "I really need my own car". The husband responds, "What are you talking about you drive enough already". Confused she asks, "And what am I driving if you're the only one with a car?". He looks at her and says, "Well you've been 'driving me nuts' for months!!!"

 

[GrannyPants]

Date: So what do you do?

Me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I'm a taxidermist.

Date: Oh wow.

Fox: and a ventriloquist.

 

[ga5457]

A State trooper was patrolling when he saw two tractor-trailer rigs parked alongside the road, both with the cab doors open. Thinking this was odd, he stopped to have a look.

The drivers were nowhere to be found, but as he was looking around, the trooper heard groans coming from a nearby stand of trees. He investigated, and to his surprise, he found one trucker feverishly ass-banging the other.

The state cop demanded to know just what the hell the two thought they were doing. The trucker who was driving explained that his buddy had had a heart attack, and he was trying to revive him.

After the trooper calmed down a bit, he politely said, "Well...the proper method is to do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation."

The aggressive trucker snapped, "How the hell you think all this got started?"

 

[ga5457]

Pfizer & Pepsi to Merge

This will no doubt put Coca Cola out of business in the near future...! The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.



Thought for the day...There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2025, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

[dilligaf0]

Two cannibals are eating a clown,
One cannibal looks to the other one and asks "Does this taste funny?"

 

[ga5457]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."

 

[ga5457]

An Easter Tale…..

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..

(Are you ready for this?)

It says,

"Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter!!!