I loved this post, but I bolded the portion that I wanted to respond to...
Do you think that "evolving with the times" might be the culprit here, in terms of placing people outside of their comfort zone when it comes from being raised/indoctrinated to believe in certain ideals?
Prior to my LTR going south, what I looked for in the opposite sex was shaped by my upbringing and what I saw in the interaction between my own mother and father in how they dealt with problems in life. The trust dynamic, the respect and truthfulness that came from watching their actions supporting the words they spoke. Nowadays I see people arguing over the most stupid of stuff in relationships, stuff that should have been identified during the dating/courtship process. Today, both men and women treat "red flag" events like they are par for the course and accept them unconditionally instead of cutting the other person loose and running for the hills when these red flags present themselves. I think the issue today has become more about how does one "change" the core beliefs of the other person, instead of identifying those core beliefs and simply deciding if there could ever be compatibility between the two. Sex was never considered a "reward" for being attractive, nice, smart or otherwise, it was something that two people, who love and respect each other very much, shared with each other. Sure, it sounds fairy-tale'ish, but considering the alternatives and mindsets that this very topic speaks of, I'll embrace and pursue the former over the latter any day of the week. Even if it means shrinking my selection pool of potential mates even further. Men and women are not the enemy. Loud and cacophonous groups of men and women who demand that men and women believe, act upon or support certain ideals about the opposite sex, are the enemy.
I don't think this is an issue "today" at all. It's so easy to go back and think everything was hunky dory, but at the end of the day a huge amount of relationships and marriages were based on the oppression and domination of women and children, even when the male partner didn't seek that out, culture and laws were designed for this to happen. I don't see how you can see what people would cut people loose when a red flag came along as though people don't do this now, or even did truly do it in a different time. You are looking at things from your own perspective perhaps, but it doesn't seem like something which is true in general.
For sure there will be some who'll want to change a person, but I doubt that's a modern concept. Perhaps more women now feel it's acceptable for them to ask more of their partners seeing as women have more financial independence and freedom to "cut them loose" as you say.
I also disagree with your last statement as it's a little too broad: Loud and cacophonous groups of men and women who demand that men and women believe, act upon or support certain ideals about the opposite sex, are the enemy.
Technically by this definition you are bunching feminists in with incels. I'm not talking about radical feminism, I'm talking about women who demand that men treat them with respect and equality. This is an ideology that I very much stand by and will happily demand it and stand with other men and women. It is fine to expect certain ideals from people, whatever gender, so long as those ideals are not based on any form of oppression or domination. I think it's fair to say that everyone is entitled to feel safe with an even chance at respect, while it is not fair to say that one group of people are entitled to more power, more respect and more choices than another group, at the expense of the other group. That is where incels and other similar groups could be classed as "the enemy".
In terms of your question about me saying people need to evolve with the times: We are assuming by your question that everyone who's an incel was raised with old fashioned beliefs. That's not necessarily true. It may be that they felt oppressed by women growing up but also had access to TV and culture which saw women as subservient, where it's understandable if they then believed that the subservient women were the "norm" and that they were somehow different and robbed of that entitlement which comes with masculinity. So in answer to your question, if this were the case then it'd be nothing about a problem with getting out of a comfort zone and more to do with a refusal to accept society as it is and find their place within it.
There's a Louis Theroux documentary on Thai brides which I thought was quite interesting. The men going to Thailand would complain about Western women because they felt rejected. These evil western women weren't automatically dating them, they had high expectations of men and these men weren't getting relationships. So they went to where they believed the women were subservient to men and would be impressed with their offers of small financial security. The brochures were set out like this, even one quoting "your bride will never get a headache", meaning that if she were in pain she'd never bother you with it.
The serious irony is that all the Thai brides interviewed said the reason they want a western man is because they want to meet someone with western ideals about equality between the sexes. They were the women who rejected female oppressive culture.
I guess my point is with this is that people tend to take the easier route if there is one available. People are also inclined to not want to accept flaws within themselves, so if there's an option available to blame someone else then they will take it. Incel as a movement offers a pretty straightforward route out of self blame. You are not the problem. Society and women are the problem. In a situation where these types of men could either have evaluated their own behaviour, genuinely sought out help, and maybe lowered their "standards" in regards to physical features on women, or joined a group based on hatred and denial, they chose denial. That is what I mean by needing to evolve. They've chosen to change their patterns of thought to obsess over times and cultural norms which are now in the past rather than actually stepping up and learning to court women properly and effectively.
Talking about courting, I need to get this article off the friend who told me about it, but I heard recently that there's been a study looking at why men in modern day are poor at courtship. It apparently said it's actually evolutionary due to historically men using say power and position within society over charm and ability to attract a woman through their personality. According to this article this is one reason where in India arranged marriages are common, Indian men have more trouble stereotypically in how they interact with women. I thought this was an interesting point in why women are still quite good at flirting and general seduction almost instinctively, while a lot of men are completely useless at it. This could be due to nurture in how we're raised, but it does make sense if men who were passing on their genes weren't necessarily good at courting women as it's really not been a top priority until recently.
This has interesting implications for incel types. I have noticed out of the male friends I'd consider more terminally single, they actually don't really try that hard. They don't put themselves out there that much, and those who do don't pick up on any signals, will often attempt to sneak in through friendship and more importantly they'll chase girls who are particularly conventionally attractive. Generally just ways in which some men try to date which rarely works. They'll then feel anger towards the types of men who just walk up and openly talk to and flirt with a girl, because that's super hard and not something they can do right? Interesting to think that there may be an instinct of courtship that they have literally evolved out of which is why they're so lousy at meeting women, while women generally needed to appear attractive towards men and therefore the flirting gene would be preserved in women.
I think it's an interesting concept, but I can't find the research so until I get hold of my friend and see if we can find the source don't take it as fact!
