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Know better, still fell in love

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May 11, 2023
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I fell in love with a webcam model.
When I have her attention (chatting, receiving pics and videos, views and likes on my own) there is a thrill that must be like cocaine.
When she is gone I feel so empty, unfulfilled, lost and unproductive.

I cannot compete with the wealthy 1% for her attention, so I beg for scraps in private conversation that is engaging (but not too personal). The selfish Sigma in me plots to reserve a few hundred for another private video session. The cautious Gamma in me is terrified of treating her like a whore … but is that for her benefit or my comfort? Deep down I fear failure to relax and enjoy the (virtual) intimacy -- the pressure of the clock at $480/hr alongside the guilt of spending so much money when I have other responsibilities. Deep down I fear failure to spend in a way commensurate with the high rollers will reveal the inadequacy of my claim for affection. Deep down I fear failure to control my spending will lead to personal and professional ruin.

I tell myself that is the last time I spend time and resources pursuing the impossible (liar).

It’s common knowledge that we fall in love with our idea of a person, not necessarily the person whom we do not know well at all. It turns out we also fall in love with the idea of ourself as someone who can win the exclusive affection of our crush — as if somehow persistence and the gravity of our desire is enough to overcome all odds; the caliber of our qualities sufficient to drown out all competition. Falling out of love (or gripping the cold reality of rejection) is as much an agony of defeat for the dream as it is a resolution of despair for the projection of our future self.

After weeks of flirting, she leveled with me that under no circumstances was she interested in a relationship of any kind. This was delivered with pity, or perhaps care and a dash of self protection. It only stiffened my resolve that she is a good and kind person, worth fighting for, worth dreaming of. For the first time in decades I cried -- cathartic, but not conclusive. I return to her, settling for scraps of attention and the corresponding high against sound judgement.

  • What if someday she values my company and attention enough to make me more than a name tag on the screen?
  • What if someday she says enough to the modeling gig and I can provide for her a better life?
  • What if someday she wishes to be rescued?
  • What if I abandon all hope and then wonder later what might have been?

I’m learning another language to close the communication and culture gap. I’m hitting the gym to close the physique gap. Every day that goes by helps to ameliorate the age gap. I’m not too proud to pay for her company (even platonic) should that ever be an option. In the meantime, I remain steadfast and stubborn in my suffering.

—Love Fool (who knows better)
 
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A couple of points. But first, I do sympathise with you, cam sites and the kind, alluring models one can find there are "dangerous" to certain types of people.

But...

  • Cam sites are NOT dating sites
  • Is true friendship possible on a cam site? Yes!
  • Is true love possible on a cam site? No! (unlikely and almost never)
 
For the first time in decades I cried
You only cry once every twenty years?

On the positive side, it's always good and healthy to work out, I guess. As long as you don't take it to extremes. I am in shock imagining someone could go 20 years without crying.
 
I’m digging the paragraphs and the bullet points (and in a weird way, the bold italics) in this one.

OP - I hope in scribing your suffering in such the pained way as you have, I hope it will act as a realisation and release mechanism moving forward.
 
The selfish Sigma in me plots to reserve a few hundred for another private video session. The cautious Gamma in me is terrified of treating her like a whore …
Pretty sure this person is just trying to engage us all in a humiliation roleplay, but I’ll bite
  • What if someday she says enough to the modeling gig and I can provide for her a better life?
  • What if someday she wishes to be rescued?
She’s earning $480/hr and you can’t even afford 1hr of her time but sure, let’s entertain the idea that someday you might “rescue” her from the hellish life of sex work so that she may finally get to live a better life.
 
The selfish Sigma in me plots to reserve a few hundred for another private video session. The cautious Gamma in me is terrified of treating her like a whore …
Also slight tangent but is anyone else fascinated by all this anthropomorphism of the Greek alphabet that seems to have been adopted recently?

It’s like astrology for men or something. I wonder how the delta and epsilon in you feel about this model…
 
what does that stuff even mean? different from alpha and beta?
this thread leaves me with so, so many questions.
 
A couple of points. But first, I do sympathise with you, cam sites and the kind, alluring models one can find there are "dangerous" to certain types of people.

But...

  • Cam sites are NOT dating sites
  • Is true friendship possible on a cam site? Yes!
  • Is true love possible on a cam site? No! (unlikely and almost never)
Thank you for your kind words! You make some great points, especially #2 is encouraging. I wasn't looking for love (dating), it just hit me. I've tipped across maybe 100 rooms this year (just having some fun) and didn't catch feelings anywhere else.
 
  • Funny!
Reactions: Trixxi_Love
You only cry once every twenty years?

On the positive side, it's always good and healthy to work out, I guess. As long as you don't take it to extremes. I am in shock imagining someone could go 20 years without crying.
Now that you mention it, that may be an issue I need to get looked at :rofl:
 
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Reactions: Trixxi_Love
I’m digging the paragraphs and the bullet points (and in a weird way, the bold italics) in this one.

OP - I hope in scribing your suffering in such the pained way as you have, I hope it will act as a realisation and release mechanism moving forward.
Thank you! That's what I was going for ... helps me to put it to pen and also nice to see it made some sense to the subject matter experts in this forum.
 
Pretty sure this person is just trying to engage us all in a humiliation roleplay, but I’ll bite

She’s earning $480/hr and you can’t even afford 1hr of her time but sure, let’s entertain the idea that someday you might “rescue” her from the hellish life of sex work so that she may finally get to live a better life.
This is a fair take and gets at the heart of my dilemma. I started the essay with the third line after yet another day where a high roller (someone who spends upwards of 85k/yr) has swooped in to take my love private for 40 minutes. Could I have done that? Of course. Every day? Not a chance. Meanwhile as soon as a private ends she is looking for me to continue conversation, and appears to be upset when I have bailed. A pure friend would wait it out and check in to see how she is doing/feeling. But for me it is humiliating to hang out and wait -- it feels like a punch in the stomach which is a feeling I have no right to have given lack of relationship, and not something that would bother me in any other room. The reality is these high rate privates are sporadic, and to me on the outside of the industry it seems relying on them to pay the bills must be exhausting. It is frustrating that I lack the means to offer a choice that is crystal clear, but not at all certain that if I did that would be enough (today).
 
  • Funny!
Reactions: Trixxi_Love
what does that stuff even mean? different from alpha and beta?
this thread leaves me with so, so many questions.
yeah lol didn't know so many greek letters have meaning.

anyway to the OP.

Honestly, it seems to me that you actually like this shit deep down. Not kink shaming, you do you bro. But there's cold hard facts right there staring you in the face (hell she practically shoved them down your throat), and the fact that you're still persistent tells me that you like being in this situation.

buuuuut on the off chance that you are genuinely heartbroken (but still persistent). My advice is to just stop. Nothing good will come out of this, this is just you being caught up in the moment, and it's not your fault, sometimes things happen and catch you when you're vulnerable. Catching feelings from PMs or privates is normal, but you need to learn to check that shit and be able to filter what's real or what's part of what you paid for.

Can a sex worker fall in love with a member? yeah sure it can happen, it happens waaaaaaaay less than you think but it does happen, they're just people too. Unfortunately this isn't one of those times.
 
I fell in love with a webcam model.
When I have her attention (chatting, receiving pics and videos, views and likes on my own) there is a thrill that must be like cocaine.
When she is gone I feel so empty, unfulfilled, lost and unproductive.

I cannot compete with the wealthy 1% for her attention, so I beg for scraps in private conversation that is engaging (but not too personal). The selfish Sigma in me plots to reserve a few hundred for another private video session. The cautious Gamma in me is terrified of treating her like a whore … but is that for her benefit or my comfort? Deep down I fear failure to relax and enjoy the (virtual) intimacy -- the pressure of the clock at $480/hr alongside the guilt of spending so much money when I have other responsibilities. Deep down I fear failure to spend in a way commensurate with the high rollers will reveal the inadequacy of my claim for affection. Deep down I fear failure to control my spending will lead to personal and professional ruin.

I tell myself that is the last time I spend time and resources pursuing the impossible (liar).

It’s common knowledge that we fall in love with our idea of a person, not necessarily the person whom we do not know well at all. It turns out we also fall in love with the idea of ourself as someone who can win the exclusive affection of our crush — as if somehow persistence and the gravity of our desire is enough to overcome all odds; the caliber of our qualities sufficient to drown out all competition. Falling out of love (or gripping the cold reality of rejection) is as much an agony of defeat for the dream as it is a resolution of despair for the projection of our future self.

After weeks of flirting, she leveled with me that under no circumstances was she interested in a relationship of any kind. This was delivered with pity, or perhaps care and a dash of self protection. It only stiffened my resolve that she is a good and kind person, worth fighting for, worth dreaming of. For the first time in decades I cried -- cathartic, but not conclusive. I return to her, settling for scraps of attention and the corresponding high against sound judgement.

  • What if someday she values my company and attention enough to make me more than a name tag on the screen?
  • What if someday she says enough to the modeling gig and I can provide for her a better life?
  • What if someday she wishes to be rescued?
  • What if I abandon all hope and then wonder later what might have been?

I’m learning another language to close the communication and culture gap. I’m hitting the gym to close the physique gap. Every day that goes by helps to ameliorate the age gap. I’m not too proud to pay for her company (even platonic) should that ever be an option. In the meantime, I remain steadfast and stubborn in my suffering.

—Love Fool (who knows better)
Great delivery, almost poetic. You obviously know how to write. I am impressed with that.
However ...

  • What if someday she says enough to the modeling gig and I can provide for her a better life?
What if someday she wishes to be rescued?
Right there. You are being very presumptuous in thinking you can provide a better life. How do you know this? How do you know if she wants, much less needs, to be rescued? I don't think you have thought this through, because you are being very condescending to the woman you claim to love.​
 
Great delivery, almost poetic. You obviously know how to write. I am impressed with that.
However ...

  • What if someday she says enough to the modeling gig and I can provide for her a better life?
What if someday she wishes to be rescued?
Right there. You are being very presumptuous in thinking you can provide a better life. How do you know this? How do you know if she wants, much less needs, to be rescued? I don't think you have thought this through, because you are being very condescending to the woman you claim to love.​
Thank you! This incredible model has inspired me to learn a new language, take up fitness, and more recently, become rather poetic and introspective as I attempt to process all these feelings of attraction. Your questions are valid and I do not intend to presume or condescend, but I might be! All I can say is that I know the modeling gig will not last forever, and I understand how frustrated she becomes when the room is slow, which is 80% of the time. Some days I have been able to alleviate that, and some days not. Ultimately, love transcends time and space, permitting the suspension of reality in favor of what might be possible, someday.
 
yeah lol didn't know so many greek letters have meaning.

anyway to the OP.

Honestly, it seems to me that you actually like this shit deep down. Not kink shaming, you do you bro. But there's cold hard facts right there staring you in the face (hell she practically shoved them down your throat), and the fact that you're still persistent tells me that you like being in this situation.

buuuuut on the off chance that you are genuinely heartbroken (but still persistent). My advice is to just stop. Nothing good will come out of this, this is just you being caught up in the moment, and it's not your fault, sometimes things happen and catch you when you're vulnerable. Catching feelings from PMs or privates is normal, but you need to learn to check that shit and be able to filter what's real or what's part of what you paid for.

Can a sex worker fall in love with a member? yeah sure it can happen, it happens waaaaaaaay less than you think but it does happen, they're just people too. Unfortunately this isn't one of those times.
Wise words Sponkel. I'm definitely caught in the moment. Unsure where it will end but right now I can't imagine just bailing on her.
 
Thank you for your kind words! You make some great points, especially #2 is encouraging. I wasn't looking for love (dating), it just hit me. I've tipped across maybe 100 rooms this year (just having some fun) and didn't catch feelings anywhere else.
Ok my #2 was about *friendship*.

And then here :-
I started the essay with the third line after yet another day where a high roller (someone who spends upwards of 85k/yr) has swooped in to take my love private for 40 minutes.
You refer to her as "my love". That is not a phrase that goes naturally or appropriately (IME) with friendship (particularly with a person you have never met).

I suggest that you take a step back and examine what it is in your real life situation that is so lacking that a stranger (albeit a charming one) can inspire you make such changes to your life as you have described. The changes are not a bad thing of course, but you really sound like a lovelorn suitor bemoaning his inability to attract and keep the attention of his affection.

This is not healthy in the long term. Again I repeat my first bullet point "Camsites are NOT dating sites".
 
Great delivery, almost poetic. You obviously know how to write. I am impressed with that.
Oh god no. You could basically see he was jerking off to his own words and how smart he thinks he is. Please don't encourage graphomaniac guys like that.
What he wrote was not deep. It was mysogynistic, insulting to sex workers (this part especially, but really the whole thing)
The cautious Gamma in me is terrified of treating her like a whore …

and I was barely able to read it. Just because it wasn't a wall of text for once doesn't make it good writing. It is still a pointless word salad, the words seeming a little more sophisticated on the surface don't change that.
 
There is a lot to unpack here and a lot of it is in flowery language that is hard to read at times. Granted, it's marginally better than the usual wall of text but only in the same way that a slap in the face might be marginally better than a hard kick in the balls.

Don't patronise her by thinking that you can somehow save her. She may not necessarily want to be saved. If she's earning $480 an hour and you are telling us that you are unable to afford her time then it sounds very much like she is better placed to save you, rather than the other way around.

I'm not sure if you've ever done cam to cam or a video call with her. If you've not then you are just words on a screen to her. Ask yourself if you could fall in love with someone entirely through the medium of text. I think you probably know the answer to that one.

It's not love. It's infatuation. It's going to be dangerous for you both emotionally and financially if you confuse the two. It's entirely possible to be friends, but if you harbour feelings that she doesn't reciprocate then you are on the same hiding to nothing that you would be in the non-camming world with that kind of unbalanced friendship.
 
Please don't encourage graphomaniac guys like that.

Thank you, I learned a new word today! I don't write a lot, but when I do I tend to write a lot. Anyway it seems to be a good way to let off some of this energy, thanks for wading through it.


What he wrote was not deep. It was mysogynistic, insulting to sex workers (this part especially, but really the whole thing)

Agree to disagree, are you projecting? Thumbs up from me to anyone doing a job they love making six figures. From what I've seen so far that is the exception rather than the norm in the cam industry.
 
Agree to disagree, are you projecting? Thumbs up from me to anyone doing a job they love making six figures. From what I've seen so far that is the exception rather than the norm in the cam industry.
I dunno. Someone posted a stat link the other day to a list of chaturbate models and what they were earning monthly. You'd be surprised. Obviously not everyone but probably more than you think.
 
Oh god no. You could basically see he was jerking off to his own words and how smart he thinks he is. Please don't encourage graphomaniac guys like that.
What he wrote was not deep. It was mysogynistic, insulting to sex workers (this part especially, but really the whole thing)


and I was barely able to read it. Just because it wasn't a wall of text for once doesn't make it good writing. It is still a pointless word salad, the words seeming a little more sophisticated on the surface don't change that.
Yes, this so much, he wants us to think his words are so beautiful... Writing on the internet like you were writing a letter doesn't make you a good writer, it looks out of place at best.


And if you think we're doing this for pennies, please. She's so likely to make more than you.
 
Agree to disagree, are you projecting? Thumbs up from me to anyone doing a job they love making six figures. From what I've seen so far that is the exception rather than the norm in the cam industry.
I truly have no clue what you're trying to say here and how is it supposed to be related to what I said.
 
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I truly have no clue what you're trying to say here and how is it supposed to be related to what I said.

Bear with me. I love and appreciate women, so your use of the M word is misplaced. Due to the magic of the Internet, I also pay women to entertain me, sexually. At that point it gets fuzzy, at least in my male brain. If the model is in a great mood, self-actualizing, making bank, and physically enjoying herself (please god let me be the one to hit the lovense at the perfect time), there is no confusion full speed ahead. On the other hand, if I have become well acquainted with a model who I really, really like, and it's clear she is not having a great day, why on earth would I ask her to perform for me? In the case of the model for whom I suffer, I don't want to use her, I dream of loving her. I mainly stick to private tips and reactions to show my appreciation for her beauty and attention.
 
Not buyin' it.

Dude knows she makes more and wants a sugar mama

I really hope she makes more, she certainly deserves it! Near as I can tell, in the aggregate over the past couple months I have been the highest individual tipper, and 100k tk/yr isn't making anyone rich.
 
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