Not sure if this is an 'ask model' topic or not......relationship problems with camgirl

[BufordT]

Well the way I read your post, sounded like you were approaching my suggestion from the angle of exploring cuckoldry, open relationships, or something along those lines; perhaps warning that the relationship might be imperiled by crossing such boundaries. Which is a little moot, since that is exactly what he has got (at least to the extent he views her cam performances as "real").

Sorry, I didn't mean that. Although I still think the suggestion is a little more than most people would be comfortable with.

 

[justjoinedtopost]

Sorry, I didn't mean that. Although I still think the suggestion is a little more than most people would be comfortable with.

No problem (and apologies for misinterpreting your words, though re-reading it still sounds like what you were implying).

Forget about speaking for most people; I am curious now...are you comfortable with what I suggested?

 

[Dan Epstein]

I think that trust is one of the best aphrodisiac elements between two people. Jealousy on the other hand, can be counter-productive. Some of the most trustful, and stable couples I know are from the industry by the way.
7 years and 15 kilograms ago, I had a girlfriend (the thought of it is bizarre I know ) who was constantly sure I am about to cheat on her. She was spying on my Facebook profile, checking my phone messages, checking my female co-worker profiles, to name but a few of the distrustful acts, all of these lead to a turn off on my end.
What I'm saying is, that accepting someone's insecurity is trustful, and can be healing. Projecting insecurities on someone else on the other hand, does not mean that this person is the source of your feelings.If you are insecure about your partner's job, ask yourself, if it really is the job that bothers you, that's my newbie advice.
I hope my ex is not watching this thread ...Can we have that beer now?

 

[BufordT]

I am comfortable with one person completely. In that situation yes I am. I wouldn't want to do such a thing with another person though. Does that qualify as a complete answer?

 

[justjoinedtopost]

I am comfortable with one person completely. In that situation yes I am. I wouldn't want to do such a thing with another person though. Does that qualify as a complete answer?

Do you mean you would be comfortable if it was just her in the private? You wouldn't be comfortable intruding on the members privacy?

 

[BufordT]

Do you mean you would be comfortable if it was just her in the private? You wouldn't be comfortable intruding on the members privacy?

Ok, this feels like a trap I would not feel uncomfortable if she wanted me there, regardless of the customer. Would I choose that? Honestly no I wouldn't. I would support her no matter what though and if a small jealous feeling crept in I would be ok because I trust her. Completely.

 

[justjoinedtopost]

Ok, this feels like a trap I would not feel uncomfortable if she wanted me there, regardless of the customer. Would I choose that? Honestly no I wouldn't.

No trap. You piqued my curiosity is all.

I would support her no matter what though and if a small jealous feeling crept in I would be ok because I trust her. Completely.

I will be goddamned if I would. At this point, she is just a Colombian webcam model that I have heard about through the grapevine.

I set my standards for "I trust her. Completely." a little higher. But that's just me.

 

[BufordT]

No trap. You piqued my curiosity is all.

I will be goddamned if I would. At this point, she is just a Colombian webcam model that I have heard about through the grapevine.

I set my standards for "I trust her. Completely." a little higher. But that's just me.

Curiosity killed the cat I didn't mean to get off topic though. Relationships are what any two individuals make of them. There is no substitute for putting in the time and effort to make a relationship work. And of course no reason not to expect failure if you don't.

 

[BufordT]

No trap. You piqued my curiosity is all.

I will be goddamned if I would. At this point, she is just a Colombian webcam model that I have heard about through the grapevine.

I set my standards for "I trust her. Completely." a little higher. But that's just me.

Just to be clear, I agree with you in this. I responded from a personal perspective and I should have kept it more generic. I am only saying that each situation is unique and there is no one answer that will fit all situations.

 

[Dan Epstein]

If your insecurity is so bad that your fiance has to quit the career she has been building in order to appease your feelings... Then "getting over it" isn't really the best advice. "Make an appointment with a therapist" is the best advice someone can give you. And I'm not saying that to be rude or dismissive. I know a girl whose dude had trouble with jealousy. But he didn't want her to quit something that was good for her due to HIS problems. That wasn't what he wanted. He honestly wanted to get help. So he did. Now, she cams and makes money and he is her biggest supporter.

Her quitting camming does not solve the jealousy issue. It really doesn't. All it does is slap a band-aid on the big wound, when really, it needs stitches. On the surface, it might look like everything is fine. But when insecurity is rooted so deeply inside of you, it needs to be addressed. You need to look long and hard about what your real fears. What is making you insecure?

Are you afraid she will leave you for another regular? Does that mean that you are afraid she is only into you for the money, and will move on to a bigger source, should it provide itself? Are you afraid you aren't interesting enough and she will get bored and leave? Even if she quits camming, the root of your fear will be there. And the fear is that she will leave you for someone else. You are afraid of losing her, and even more damning for a soon-to-be-marriage... You don't trust her. Deep in your heart, you don't trust that she will stay. And that is poison to any relationship. That will kill everything before it has a chance to grow into something beautiful.

The thing is... You can't prevent a person from leaving you. Even if she stops camming, she could meet someone at her vanilla job, whom she clicks with and finds herself physically attracted to. She could meet someone in a grocery store. A church. Taking a bus. She can find someone else at any time, and leave you. Is she supposed to give up her normal life too, in order to protect you from your fears? Is she supposed to not work? Not go on errands? Not leave the house in case she runs into someone whom she likes better than you? Of course not. The very idea is ridiculous - as it the idea of asking someone you love to make such a HUGE sacrifice. In any other real world job, asking your partner to quit their lucrative job in order to protect your feelings is absurd. It's dangerously controlling and manipulative and horrifying.

Don't ask her to give up her job because of your insecurities. Don't punish her because you don't trust her. Don't give her a hard time because you can't handle the job that allowed her to meet you. In this line of work, I have literally seen HUNDREDS of girls quit their career because of some insecure dude, who often-times ended up being emotionally-abusive and grossly manipulative. And do you know how many times these dudes actually sought real help for their feelings? Once. All of the others didn't want help. They just wanted their girls to quit, as if they owned their lovers. As if that would solve everything. Expecting them to make a huge sacrifice, as if it was the girlfriend's job to make her boyfriend happy. And I can't think of a single relationship where they both ended up happy. The jealousy remained. The insecurity poisoned them both, just taking different forms in the vanilla world.

If you really want what is best for her, go seek therapy and work with a professional to address your deep-rooted insecurity. Don't rely on her quitting to fix the problems that lurk under the surface. Don't expect her to sacrifice the things she has built, as if it's her job to fix you. It's not her job. It's YOUR job to fix YOUR problems. Which means doing the work, biting the bullet, and going to see a therapist.

Loving someone does not mean punishing them for your unhappiness or fears. Loving someone does not mean forcing them to make huge sacrifices on your behalf, while you do nothing. Loving someone does not mean giving them a hard time while they are just trying to work and pay their bills. Loving someone means you would do anything to resist becoming toxic to their well-being and their life. Your current behavior and thought patterns are very toxic, both to her and yourself. But she can't change it. Only you can.

Sacrificing her job is not going to cure your insecurities and your fears. Punishing her for YOUR feelings is horrible, so please don't do it. She can't fix you. She can't fix your feelings or build your trust. It isn't her responsibility, and frankly, expecting her to do so is deeply unfair. Only you can fix yourself and make it better. Go see a professional who can help you address and heal your thoughts and feelings, and if you cannot get past your issues, then the best thing you can do is let her go. Because you both deserve far better than a relationship filled with poisonous fear and toxic behavior.

Edit to add: Also, stop visiting her room. Stop chatting with her while she is working, stop talking to her regulars, just stop. If it is hurting you and causing your jealousy to flare up, then I know it's hurting her too. If something is burning you, you pull your hand away from the heat, y'know? You don't keep your hand in the flames. Until you can get a handle on your feelings, stop exposing yourself to the thing that hurts you. You said you are getting obsessed, which is dangerous and a little frightening. Getting distance might help clear your head a little and make it easier to handle, until you can talk with a professional.

Printing and keeping!

 

[AudriTwo]

What everyone said and back tattoo.

 

[Marveller]

Some very conflicting and at the same time good advise here.

Speaking as someone who went through a similar scenario recently, I think it is important to face the reality that this is a job for the ladies and a lot of them depend on it to makes ends meet. For any guy who gets to develop a relationship with a girl and starts to care for her, it will be natural to experience some level of jealousy. Better to face the reality that meeting that on a cam show is not quite normal and to make such relationship work will take some hard life choices in making peace with the situation. If you respect the lady you need to respect her choices.

 

[xxxjoe]

Need to ask yourself whether you understand that this is a job and not personal

 

[Deleted member 45270]

I know it's all my problem to deal with but it's affecting our current relationship status almost on a daily basis now. I obsess over the users in her room and notice regulars and hassle her about them.

And are you going to carry on that obsession when you see other people comment on her ripped videos and streams on torrent sites, touching themselves as she does as well?

Even if she were to end her job as a camgirl, her body will still be all over the internet. If this is so severe that it's affecting you on a daily basis, I doubt you will be feeling any better marrying an ex-camgirl.

This is a shitty situation and I do sympathise with you, OP. From the tidbit you've given us, it doesn't sound like it has a happy ending imo.

Jealousy doesn't go away after the perceived problem does. For example, a guy telling his girlfriend to stop having male friends does not rid the insecurity or anxiety about her seeing other guys - if anything, it amplifies the need for control.

Really take the time to think about the overall state of your relationship before you marry her, please. For both of your sakes.

 

[heybarkeep]

reminds me of a clueless idiot who quite happily took to pimping his wife in the MFC lounge a couple years ago (bragging about her beauty and boob job)

Reading of such anti bro behavior is startling.

 

[justjoinedtopost]

Reading of such anti bro behavior is startling.

bragging would have been bro
aggressively marketing her privates/groups, not so much

 

[Dan Epstein]

I'm still trying to understand what's "bro" in our context

 

[justjoinedtopost]

I'm still trying to understand what's "bro" in our context

Context: man comes into the lounge, bragging about his model wife, her fake boobs, aggressively encouraging others to take her private/group, goes quiet when she does get one. I'll try to break it down for you point by point...

Spoiler: Man comes into the lounge

Everything that follows is going to have to be viewed through the prism of the MFC lounge. That is a whole topic unto itself, not really going to go into that too much, but it bears keeping in mind.

Spoiler: bragging about his model wife

Bragging about an attractive female one has acquired is certainly bro. Now getting married isn't necessarily going to strip someone of all broness; however, it is generally viewed as a renunciation of it. Retaining broness after marriage usually requires that the bro get one or more other females to keep on the side and brag about them instead of his wife, only bringing her up when bitching about something.

Spoiler: her fake boobs

Now there is some division among bros on this topic. I would say the vast majority prefer natural boobs, but there is a small minority in the bro community which is fanatically in favor of fake boobs. Of course, the natural bros view this as complete heresy.

The pro-fake bros are an extremist element, known for lending ideological and material support to radical aesthetic terrorism. They are responsible for financing breast augmentation procedures in numerous countries.

Whether the pro-fake bros are truly bros, or whether they have hijacked broness for their own evil purposes, it really isn't for me to say. It is largely a matter of opinion (and the subject of much debate).

Spoiler: aggressively encouraging others to take her private/group

This one is lounge-specific. Usually just pointless, occasionally annoying depending on how much zeal the pimp has. I wouldn't say bros never do it, but it is certainly not a bro thing to be doing.

Spoiler: goes quiet when she does get one

Very amusing. The minute she went private, he stopped responding to all bro recommendations, observations and critiques (i.e. verbal abuse), then announced he was back when she finished. That led to a number of bro speculations about what the hell he had been doing, his sexual orientation, and his soy levels.

A decidedly not bro move, unless he was an undercover bro clowning for everyone's amusement, in which case it was highly bro.

 

[RogueWarrior]

Cancel the marriage. You can't handle it. I dated a stripper back in the day. She danced for other guys for tips. She came home to me. It didn't work out, but not because of that (long story). I'd be fine with dating/marrying a cam model. End of the day, she'd be with me. Everything else is ancillary.

And if she was a successful cam model making bank? I'd be home cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, helping with promotions, whatever. Help recording a custom? I'm there. Need a stunt cock? I'm there. I'd help her set up a camming space. Make sure the sound was good.

That YOU met her through a camsite is where all the insecurities lie. That's on you.

Hey, maybe she's looking at you as a way to get out of Columbia. That's a possibilty. If that's the case, it's not going to work out anyway, camming or not.

 

[Dan Epstein]

Colombia is not Columbia !
Dios mio, tantas veces de explicar...

 

[justjoinedtopost]

I know very little about Colombian culture. I do wonder about that whole angle though.

A young Colombian lady was sent to the USA back in the 90s. She came from a family of some means; I am not really sure why her father sent her here, and considering all the things I was reading about what was going on in Colombia at the time, I didn't really want to dig into it too much.

She was polite and professional, carried herself very well. Good manners. Dark flashing eyes that beckoned, and a smile that could straighten your spine when she pointed it at you (or make you feel like you had been punched in the gut when she pointed it at someone else). Smoking hot ass too.

Within the first two months of coming to work with us, she had already taken to investigating romantic possibilities with two of her co-workers and our boss. Her involvement with our boss was quickly picked up on by other women at the company, and it infuriated them; a great deal of cattiness ensued.

But that was really nothing when compared to the scene that unfolded when our boss inadvertently offended the young Colombian, and she responded by contacting his wife and spilling the beans on the romantic conversations they had been having. From what I was able to pick up from the screaming wife, he had supposedly been promising to divorce her.

The little Colombian drama tornado wound up getting transferred in an attempt to restore order, and supposedly within a couple of months had gotten engaged to a supervisor at her new location.

I really don't want to build a stereotype based on one individual, who for all I know may have been an outlier. Plus, this was 25 years ago, plenty of time for a cultural shift, so it's possible that any stereotype might be outdated.

But if...IF...she was any representation of the rank and file Colombian women, then anyone in OP's situation might do well to forgo the feminist know-all and psychology bloviations entirely, and instead get a good pair of leather gloves and a rope.

 

[Goblin]

Just on the topic of jealousy, try and remind yourself that how she interacts with other people isn't a reflection of how she feels about you

It's understandable to be jealous sometimes, doesn't make you a bad person, feelings aren't always rational, but as long as you realise it's your problem you need to work on, it's not for her to change.

 

[LilyPink]

I was in a relationship with someone who wanted me to quit camming. He'd send me links to entry level jobs I wasn't interested in. I felt like it devalued what I'd been doing and he didn't appreciate the skills I have from this job. I felt insulted and like he didn't know me.

Be careful what you want to have control over. If she quits camming what will it be next?

 

[Dan Epstein]

I don’t think anyone has the right to tell a significant other to stop being a self reliant freelancer. Just my take on this though.

 

[CharlieCharma]

lol I love how these threads are always so predictable. Rarely do the girls here have good advice for the guys. They just want to blame any feelings on insecurities. Always funny but rarely helpful or even logical. Maybe he is realizing this lifestyle just isn't what he wants.


Eta
Damn, as soon as I posted I noticed @JickyJuly show up with solid advice. Way to make me look like a liar, jerk.

This kinda comes across shitty in hindsight even if accurate so hear me out here. It isn't that they don't want to help, just can't because they don't have the perspective to really do so. I would have no idea where to even start when giving a woman relationship advice because I have no clue what it is like to be one. Some seem to genuinely want to help. Others are a bit obvious and extremely insecure about not being able to offer a more traditional relationship. In general the vibe is aggressively insecure and defensive but they dial it up to eleven whenever similar topics come up. So yeah, the girls get all insecure and defensive and it really shows by how they view and respond to many topics. Not an insult or a complaint, just an observation. Dude specifically asked for your advice too, I get it.

Think I just made things worse by trying to explain myself and apologize to those that try to help. A bad habit of mine. Will work on it.

 

[heybarkeep]

Naw, just reality. Glad to see the cringe crew show up for some button mashing.

 

[Rumi_Bloom]

It's a weird societal stereotype that drives men to become jealous over this stuff... Just trust her man and let her keep camming. If she wants to quit on her own she'll do it one day, but saying wedding plans are on hold til then? That sounds emotionally abusive and manipulative as fuck... My bf actually got me into camming as he suggested it , we experimented, and I like it so he supports me fully. It is TOTALLY possible to have a fully functioning healthy romantic relationship while working in the sex industry. In fact, it can make people much closer. He still can get jealous from time to time, but it's more about that he's lost time with me, no one's body and work belongs to anyone else... Please talk with your SO more in detail about all this and where it's coming from.

 

[heybarkeep]

let her keep camming.

Do we even know if she really wants to keep camming? This thread is mostly dumb assumptions from defensive and insecure armchair psychologists. Status quo. Op most likely ran far away once he realized that many here live in a weird bubble where reality isn't welcome.

 

[AudriTwo]

Naw, just reality. Glad to see the cringe crew show up for some button mashing.

idk bout the rest of you, but the dubbing people "the cringe crew" because they disagree or react with your inflammatory posts is pretty cringey. lawl.

also doesn't make something truth because you claim it as such. i will pray for you

 

[heybarkeep]

idk bout the rest of you, but the dubbing people "the cringe crew" because they disagree or react with your inflammatory posts is pretty cringey. lawl.

also doesn't make something truth because you claim it as such. i will pray for you

I didn't create the term but it describes the people that play with the ratings and add nothing to the conversation perfectly. lawl? Next level cringe. Way to outdo the crew. Did you have a point or maybe a less painfully dumb and embarrassing counter argument to my statements? I'll pray for all of us.