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Not sure if this is an 'ask model' topic or not......relationship problems with camgirl

Discussion in 'Ask-a-Model!' started by Bobzyurunkle, May 5, 2018.

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  1. Bobzyurunkle

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    So this is related to a model since I'm met my fiance on CB and fell in love. But I need advice from a woman's perspective and as a cam model.

    Met her innocently enough on CB. We did some privates but ended up chatting more over time as I visited her room. We started offline conversations and got really close and then started whatsapp video calls and eventually fell in love with each other. Wasn't really what either of us were looking for but we went with it.

    I visited her in Colombia traveling from Canada and spent a week with her to see if it was all real or not. We clicked immediately in person and decided to continue our long distance relationship.

    But.......the stronger my feelings got for her, the harder it's been to handle with her working in the same way we met. It's hypocritical on my part I admit but I can't help feeling terrible as time goes on.

    I spent some time in her room on a daily basis as a mod to help me get over it but it made it worst. Now it's almost driving me crazy that she goes to work every night doing what she does and my mind can't handle it.

    Our wedding plans are now on hold until she finds another job because we both don't want to marry while she's a camgirl. The plan is to move her to Canada once we get approval for a resident visa but that's a year or more process.

    Looooong story longer.....until she finds a non camming job, is there something I can do or she can do to help with the pseudo jealousy I'm experiencing? I know she's faithful to me and she's not about to fall in love with some other wanker in her room but it drives me nuts that she's doing privates and skype shows. It almost feels like she's cheating every night she goes to work. I know some big tippers that have come and gone have expressed interest in more than a camming relationship and she's passed them off. She had to deal with a stalker at one point because he wouldn't take no for an answer.

    I know it's all my problem to deal with but it's affecting our current relationship status almost on a daily basis now. I obsess over the users in her room and notice regulars and hassle her about them. I know it's a problem, just looking for some helpful advice other than 'deal with it, you met her there after all'??

    Thanks in advance!!
     
  2. Songbird_Shelly

    Joined:
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    Is she finding a different non-camming job because SHE wants to, or because you’re pressuring her to quit camming because of your jealousy/insecurity?
     
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  3. Emberblaze

    Cam Model

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    Let go of the notion that your woman's body belongs to you in some way and that should help you deal with it.

    Sorry to be blunt but that's the root of it. She's sharing something you believe belongs to you. Unless you are just scared she's going to fall for someone else the way she fell for you in which case you can just easily set boundaries like "no outside contact"
     
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  4. SMuser69

    Joined:
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    Get out of her room. Stop being her mod. If you trust her then trust her. She was able to do this work before you ever showed up. Remember only you can make yourself jealous.

    Also if you have this level of obsession over how the other member interact with her make really damn sure you're marrying her for the right reasons. Sometimes there are kinks you just don't realize you have till the situation changes. It could be a possibility that you actual love the control and possession of her over the other members and if she does successful retire from cam work a void will be created because your kink is no longer being satisfied.
     
    • Agree Agree x 17
  5. Emberblaze

    Cam Model

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    I don't usually agree with you but today I totally agree. That control thing can be an issue if it isn't consensual like in a bdsm relationship.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
  6. heybarkeep

    In the Dog House

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    You could be insecure. You could be jealous. You could also just not want to have to deal with any of this in a relationship. Sounds awful to be honest. Try not to hassle her about it at least. Just suck it up and bury those feelings until she is done. Try to be supportive if possible. Work more if possible. Work towards finding her opportunities she would enjoy more once you get settled. Probably not very helpful advice but I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do.
     
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  7. Mila_

    Cam Model

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    Also make sure she isn't into the relationship for the wrong reasons being as you are Canadian and she is Colombian and you already agreed to move her to Canada and there's even been talk about resident visas and marriages. Be smart.
     
    • Agree Agree x 4
  8. heybarkeep

    In the Dog House

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    Sorry to be blunt but lol at this. Impossible to really have any idea based off what he posted.
     
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  9. heybarkeep

    In the Dog House

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    Quality and very reasonable advice. Didn't want to be too cynical but my first thought was that dude could be a sucker. An easy mark. Can never be too careful in this type of situation.
     
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  10. paige_orion

    Cam Model

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    If your insecurity is so bad that your fiance has to quit the career she has been building in order to appease your feelings... Then "getting over it" isn't really the best advice. "Make an appointment with a therapist" is the best advice someone can give you. And I'm not saying that to be rude or dismissive. I know a girl whose dude had trouble with jealousy. But he didn't want her to quit something that was good for her due to HIS problems. That wasn't what he wanted. He honestly wanted to get help. So he did. Now, she cams and makes money and he is her biggest supporter.

    Her quitting camming does not solve the jealousy issue. It really doesn't. All it does is slap a band-aid on the big wound, when really, it needs stitches. On the surface, it might look like everything is fine. But when insecurity is rooted so deeply inside of you, it needs to be addressed. You need to look long and hard about what your real fears. What is making you insecure?

    Are you afraid she will leave you for another regular? Does that mean that you are afraid she is only into you for the money, and will move on to a bigger source, should it provide itself? Are you afraid you aren't interesting enough and she will get bored and leave? Even if she quits camming, the root of your fear will be there. And the fear is that she will leave you for someone else. You are afraid of losing her, and even more damning for a soon-to-be-marriage... You don't trust her. Deep in your heart, you don't trust that she will stay. And that is poison to any relationship. That will kill everything before it has a chance to grow into something beautiful.

    The thing is... You can't prevent a person from leaving you. Even if she stops camming, she could meet someone at her vanilla job, whom she clicks with and finds herself physically attracted to. She could meet someone in a grocery store. A church. Taking a bus. She can find someone else at any time, and leave you. Is she supposed to give up her normal life too, in order to protect you from your fears? Is she supposed to not work? Not go on errands? Not leave the house in case she runs into someone whom she likes better than you? Of course not. The very idea is ridiculous - as it the idea of asking someone you love to make such a HUGE sacrifice. In any other real world job, asking your partner to quit their lucrative job in order to protect your feelings is absurd. It's dangerously controlling and manipulative and horrifying.

    Don't ask her to give up her job because of your insecurities. Don't punish her because you don't trust her. Don't give her a hard time because you can't handle the job that allowed her to meet you. In this line of work, I have literally seen HUNDREDS of girls quit their career because of some insecure dude, who often-times ended up being emotionally-abusive and grossly manipulative. And do you know how many times these dudes actually sought real help for their feelings? Once. All of the others didn't want help. They just wanted their girls to quit, as if they owned their lovers. As if that would solve everything. Expecting them to make a huge sacrifice, as if it was the girlfriend's job to make her boyfriend happy. And I can't think of a single relationship where they both ended up happy. The jealousy remained. The insecurity poisoned them both, just taking different forms in the vanilla world.

    If you really want what is best for her, go seek therapy and work with a professional to address your deep-rooted insecurity. Don't rely on her quitting to fix the problems that lurk under the surface. Don't expect her to sacrifice the things she has built, as if it's her job to fix you. It's not her job. It's YOUR job to fix YOUR problems. Which means doing the work, biting the bullet, and going to see a therapist.

    Loving someone does not mean punishing them for your unhappiness or fears. Loving someone does not mean forcing them to make huge sacrifices on your behalf, while you do nothing. Loving someone does not mean giving them a hard time while they are just trying to work and pay their bills. Loving someone means you would do anything to resist becoming toxic to their well-being and their life. Your current behavior and thought patterns are very toxic, both to her and yourself. But she can't change it. Only you can.

    Sacrificing her job is not going to cure your insecurities and your fears. Punishing her for YOUR feelings is horrible, so please don't do it. She can't fix you. She can't fix your feelings or build your trust. It isn't her responsibility, and frankly, expecting her to do so is deeply unfair. Only you can fix yourself and make it better. Go see a professional who can help you address and heal your thoughts and feelings, and if you cannot get past your issues, then the best thing you can do is let her go. Because you both deserve far better than a relationship filled with poisonous fear and toxic behavior.

    Edit to add: Also, stop visiting her room. Stop chatting with her while she is working, stop talking to her regulars, just stop. If it is hurting you and causing your jealousy to flare up, then I know it's hurting her too. If something is burning you, you pull your hand away from the heat, y'know? You don't keep your hand in the flames. Until you can get a handle on your feelings, stop exposing yourself to the thing that hurts you. You said you are getting obsessed, which is dangerous and a little frightening. Getting distance might help clear your head a little and make it easier to handle, until you can talk with a professional.
     
    #10 paige_orion, May 6, 2018
    Last edited: May 6, 2018
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  11. JickyJuly

    Cam Model

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    It's okay not to want to be with someone because their job makes you uncomfortable, but going into marriage with stipulations nearly guarantees disaster. If you wouldn't marry her now as a camgirl, don't uproot her from her life.
     
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  12. heybarkeep

    In the Dog House

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    lol I love how these threads are always so predictable. Rarely do the girls here have good advice for the guys. They just want to blame any feelings on insecurities. Always funny but rarely helpful or even logical. Maybe he is realizing this lifestyle just isn't what he wants.


    Eta
    Damn, as soon as I posted I noticed @JickyJuly show up with solid advice. Way to make me look like a liar, jerk.
     
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  13. Dan Epstein

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    Don’t marry anyone in order to change that person’s career, marry that person because you wish to. Your job is to love someone, not to be a Castigador, or a Pendejo.
     
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  14. Dan Epstein

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    I forgot to add, if your fiancé ‘s name is Dan, and you wish him to stop working 3 jobs, that’s another thing :)
     
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  15. heybarkeep

    In the Dog House

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    This kinda comes across shitty in hindsight even if accurate so hear me out here. It isn't that they don't want to help, just can't because they don't have the perspective to really do so. I would have no idea where to even start when giving a woman relationship advice because I have no clue what it is like to be one. Some seem to genuinely want to help. Others are a bit obvious and extremely insecure about not being able to offer a more traditional relationship. In general the vibe is aggressively insecure and defensive but they dial it up to eleven whenever similar topics come up. So yeah, the girls get all insecure and defensive and it really shows by how they view and respond to many topics. Not an insult or a complaint, just an observation. Dude specifically asked for your advice too, I get it.

    Think I just made things worse by trying to explain myself and apologize to those that try to help. A bad habit of mine. Will work on it.
     
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  16. BufordT

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    Mar 7, 2018
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    One thing that is never mentioned in these threads is that jealousy is a normal feeling. How people react to that feeling and how it affects their behavior decides if it is "toxic". If you go to a therapist for this the first thing they will want you to do is recognize you have a problem. So the OP has basically stated he understands it is a problem. I don't think there is enough information to decide if it is toxic or not. The advice to understand the reasons for your jealousy is good advice. If it is out of some control issues or deep insecurities or because the relationship is not stable those are things you need to fix. If it is just normal jealousy (if that is a thing) you need to learn how to deal with it in a positive way. If she has decided to stop camming for her own reasons that is ok. If she made that decision because she thinks that is what you want or if you have influenced her to do it then do a FULL STOP. That is not jealousy but control. Even if the intentions were mild in the beginning it can grow it something much bigger.
     
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  17. BufordT

    Joined:
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    By the way @Bobzyurunkle, I am not sure you can get really good practical advice on this. It isn't something like what is the best laundry detergent to remove oil stains. There is no patch to cover this up until she stops camming. Maybe you will get some perspective from these answers but only you can decide what is going on inside you and with the relationship. That is what you really need to figure out. And if you are engaged you really need to figure that out before getting married.
     
  18. melanieoncam

    Cam Model

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    I wonder how you would feel if she asked you to give up your job and find another one.

    Going into a relationship expecting to change someone is never a good start. Much better to find someone who you are better suited to be with and who does not have to make a major change to be with you.
     
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  19. Innocent_Intentions

    Cam Model

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    When I started camming my fiancé was very protective and jealous. He wouldn’t tell me because he knew I loved it so much but deep down he was. Overtime, he got over it. You need to do the same. I find it childish that you’re uncomfortable with her continuing her line of work when you two met that way in the first place! I hope she’s not looking for new work because you want her two. Same thing for holding off the wedding. I hope it’s not a “change jobs or it’s not happening” scenario. My best advice is to talk to someone about how to overcome your jealousy and to Stay. Out. Of. Her. Room!! You being her mod is a huge red flag. I wouldn’t in a million years let my fiancé mod for me especially since he has a past of jealousy.
     
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  20. Mara_Jayne

    Cam Model

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    I don't think OP will be returning but in case I'm wrong...

    If you two are planning to be in such a serious relationship then you need to learn open communication.

    It's okay if you are jealous. It's okay if her work makes you uncomfortable. It's okay to choose to break it off with someone if you do not fit right together. It's okay to have a bump in a relationship where the two of you need to talk it out until both of you feel you have the answers you need. But no one here can make you work that out.

    You sound afraid she may find someone the way she found you. It's okay to be scared of that but that means you two need to have meaningful talks about this fear. When you feel and truly believe someone loves you and you trust them then you will no longer feel that fear.it can be hard to get there but it's worth the work if you two love each other.

    Another aspect. Say she does love camming but she loves you and wants to make you happy enough that she quits her job for you and lies and says she's okay with quitting. Say her new job makes her unhappy. This can lead to her resenting you in the long run.

    Now say you lie and hide your worry and jealously and pretend you are hunky dory with her work. She continues camming and you eventually resent her.

    The only way around any of that is to set time aside to have real conversations about these feelings. When they crop up be honest and
    open. Try not to use blaming terminology to avoid descisions based on guilt being made.


    Maybe it will come down to the two of you breaking things off or maybe it comes down to you actually resolving your feelings about her work. Worst case you do what's best for each other and split up. Best case you build a stronger happier relationship and stay together many happy years

    I'm always amazed by those who play by the "we just don't talk about it" rule in the relationship. I've always viewed that as a ticking time bomb. ​
     
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  21. justjoinedtopost

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    Idk how you can be so certain of that. If your "hassling" is becoming too abusive, she may well decide that you are totally unsuitable as a wanker. Or, if she is one of the types who seems to be drawn to men who "hassle" her, you may eventually be upstaged by a wanker with a more passionate, lively "hassling" technique. There are more possibilities of course, but these are the first two that come to mind that don't involve you possibly getting played for a sucker from the get-go.

    If your obsessing and hassling is something that you feel you are losing control of, it might serve you well to seek out some sort of support group for men who are domestic abusers (real world, not internet). I don't mean a therapist who sits there and "Mmmm-hmmm"s while taking notes, but a setting where you can listen, learn, and compare notes with others who have had to deal with similar emotional struggles.

    If she is an independent model (and open to the idea), letting you spy on a few privates/skypes might help you realize your emotions are out of proportion to what is really going on. And if your emotional struggles are beginning to become noticeable to others when you are in her room as a moderator, her having regulars may not be an issue for long.

    I am not a cam model, so disregard everything I have said.
     
    #21 justjoinedtopost, May 6, 2018
    Last edited: May 6, 2018
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  22. justjoinedtopost

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    and if this is the sole rationale for not getting married, I cannot wrap my head around it at all.
     
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  23. asia_lynn

    Cam Model

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    Dec 4, 2016
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    All I can say is that camming isn't a single person job. I f you don't want to marry a cam girl, don't. Not marrying someone until they quit their job is bizarre
     
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  24. BufordT

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2018
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    I think I know where you are going with this but I'm not sure this good advice for the majority of potential "couples". There are some this may be a good idea for but I think boundaries of cam models as well as guests may run the gambit of what is normal. While I think it is ok to explore the depth of a relationship it is always good to know your limits. Although I hate the religious aspects there is some truth to the principle of not being unequally yoked. However if one of the goals is to decide that this is not a relationship it can provide a lot of insight. It could also be the one in a million relationship that could survive this type of exploration. There is nothing wrong if the people involved have those liberations. At least one in this case appears not to, and possibly both.
     
  25. OldHippy

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    I wish I could hit the agree button 100 times. Very well written and thoughtful advice.
     
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  26. justjoinedtopost

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    'Where I am going' is pretty much the idea that maybe he would see his emotional response to the privates is an overreaction (whether that is the way he would view it or not, who knows).

    What you are suggesting reminds me of a clueless idiot who quite happily took to pimping his wife in the MFC lounge a couple years ago (bragging about her beauty and boob job), would go dead silent when she went private, and for his troubles wound up being one of the most entertaining victims of 'cyberbullying' I have ever seen. No, I wasn't really suggesting what I did with any 'explorations' or 'liberations' in mind...

    Honestly, if I was in a long-distance relationship with someone I had only spent a week with irl, I would be more prone to wonder about what she had going on away from the camera. But that's just me I guess.
     
    #26 justjoinedtopost, May 7, 2018
    Last edited: May 7, 2018
  27. BufordT

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    I'm not actually suggesting anything specific. Actually I'm saying that there really isn't enough information to know. And in a way I'm glad for that. Your example is one of many. So on one hand I am happy that not too much is shared. Whatever we think from a post in a forum is undoubtedly uniformed at best, if not totally wrong. Although I might not be clear on your suggestion or the reason. There is nothing wrong with it although I suppose I just don't understand the purpose.
     
  28. IsabellaSnow

    Cam Model

    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2012
    Messages:
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    I think this advice is very valid.

    To the OP: I know you guys met online, and having a long distance relationship probably means you try to get as much company/attention as she can give, but if you met someone because they were working in a bar you liked going to, would you then go and show up every single shift and watch them being smiley and chatty with every customer while they have to ignore you? That'd be weird if you did. The odd pop in is one thing, but essentially when a person is working, just because you can stop by, doesn't mean you should. I have had two long term relationships since I first started camming, and neither partner has ever seen me cam. Both relationships were incredibly close and filled with love and trust, enough that while I never forbade it, I think it's been very apparent that there are some things that don't need to be seen in the flesh. While I think some camgirls partners watch them cam, it also seems more popular opinion that it causes problems. I once did a G/G group show with another model and her boyfriend watched, it caused huge upsetting issues because him actually having seen it brought up certain feelings he didn't think he'd have. I think they were fine in the end, but moral of the story is, even the least possessive person may well get uncomfortable feelings when they watch their girlfriend doing cam work. Non-possessive people might be aware of that and decide not to play with fire and just let those feelings go, while possessive people might go the opposite way, trying to gain more control, trying to watch as much as possible as a form of surveillance.
    If the OP does want to lose these feelings of jealousy and be in a real relationship with this woman, he needs to stop treating her like a camgirl. Camming is her job, and her job choice will be due to certain personality traits, but at the end of the day it should not define your relationship with her. Therefore stop watching her and stop modding her room. Make your relationship separate, make it about you and her, not about her job. Create boundaries that would be there in any relationship when their partner goes to work, where your time together is just about you guys.

    While she may say she doesn't want to cam once she gets married, something I've heard women in the sex industry say before, this often stems from an unhealthy attitude towards marriage being a form of ownership. As in getting married it's ok for the woman to become completely dependent on the man and not allow any other man to see her body because she's essentially exclusively "owned". This attitude always seems on par with people who say "I'll quite smoking at 25", "I will start saving money when...", "I will stop cheating when I get married" or "diet starts Monday". Sure, some people do make these goals, but it's not realistic. If she said that she would quit camming when she has children that's slightly different, but marriage shouldn't really prevent a person from working and it certainly won't alter her personality. Unless the only reason she's camming is income and she wants to be supported by a rich husband, and you're rich enough to support her and give her lifelong security after you get married (even if you get divorced), then this sounds like something you shouldn't really count on. A marriage is not a purchase of a person, it should just be a continuation of your relationship with more legal rights if the relationship breaks down or disaster strikes.

    Has she considered visiting you on a relationship or tourist visa for a period of time? As she is a camgirl she could work from anywhere. It seems a bit full on to never have experienced living together as a couple and then suddenly expect to get married and be tired down for life when she could spend 6+ months with you seeing how it goes. If neither of you are willing to do that then it's clearly not meant to be. Getting married instantly will just put huge amounts of pressure on you both, especially after you're already having problems now and expecting her to quite her source of income for you. That would be my suggestion, think of a more temporary way for you to explore what it's actually like to be in a relationship and then you can decide. Also it would be way easier to apply for a spousal visa if you have in person evidence of your relationship.
     
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  29. BufordT

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2018
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    And I wonder how she would view it? Isn't that at least as important as how he would? I'm only saying there are 2 people and both of them may have different views. If they are compatible they can work out a few small differences but large ones are not so easy. But don't tackle the elephant before the mouse. For someone who has admitted jealous feelings jumping into another persons private session seems a little extreme for a beginning lesson.
     
  30. justjoinedtopost

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2015
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    Well the way I read your post, sounded like you were approaching my suggestion from the angle of exploring cuckoldry, open relationships, or something along those lines; perhaps warning that the relationship might be imperiled by crossing such boundaries. Which is a little moot, since that is exactly what he has got (at least to the extent he views her cam performances as "real").

    ...and I don't really care about her view of this; she is not the one in here asking for opinions.
     
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