Online dating etiquette: to reply or not to reply?

[Gen]

I am not an online dater but I'm fascinated by it, especially the difference in experiences between men and women.

A lot of my guy friends say it's very hard to get responses and that the girls get so inundated with attention that they are very picky and unresponsive. In my brief foray into it, I got heaps of messages but the vast, vast majority just said "hey" and their profiles said things like "just send me a message" rather than indicating any likes or interests. So I avoided responding to most of those and focused on replying to people who had something to say. (And then I chickened out and deleted my account because irl socializing is so intimidating, hahaha.)

But I digress and here is my question!!!! Say someone messages you and for whatever reason, you aren't interested.

Should you reply to messages to say you're not interested? Or just ignore?

Bonus question: If you do think you should reply, what's a polite response? And do you think it varies if, for example, someone sends a "hey hru" message vs a longer, thoughtful message?

And please feel free to share your thoughts on online dating in general

 

[LuckySmiles]

ignore. But if you're deciding you're "Not interested" because of their pictures and are on the fence... also understand that guys tend to have terrible selfie game compared to many women. It's like... "I can tell this guy has no clue how to present himself... but he's probably someone I'd like in real life"

I mean women do that too... but many more have it down to more of a science sometimes than men lol.

People say its not all about the pictures... but its 90% about the pictures and initial reaction. And it's not even just what someone looks like, its the way the pictures are presented... is this someone who seems to never leave their bedroom? Or is this person really in a foreign country every other Tuesday?? lol. Things like that.

But yes... ignore... unless you can tell their just bad at pictures or pic selection. Every pic with a beer?? Ew etc. But says they're at home a lot... oh! maybe they just hate selfies and their only pics are from parties.. etc. etc etc

 

[Shutterbuck]

I've never tried interwebz dating. I'm all ol' skool and shit cuz I been rejected plenty right to my horse-face.
However, if I were to weigh in, I might figure that ignoring someone is just as clear as replying with a "thanks, but nah".
Unfortunately, in this day and age it seems that any form of rejection... whether it be getting ignored, politely declined or otherwise... I suspect that you (particularly women) are bound to receive some sort of follow up message telling you what an ugly cunt you are and how they didn't like you anyway. And even more unfortunately, there's plenty of internet to confirm that suspicion.

 

[LuckySmiles]

My point of my post I meant was Ignore, but respond if you're not sure. Some people are just bad at presenting themselves in that way and might be a catch in person. And the person with "the perfect profile" is probably getting a million messages already.

 

[Gen]

I expected "reply" to take the lead so I'm surprised by the results!

This is an old blog post from @Aella that I had a vague recollection of and found super interesting, in which she categorizes the messages she gets on OKCupid and finds that like 5.8% are "high effort" and those are the majority of what she replies to. It's pretty similar to my own experience. https://www.google.ca/amp/s/aellamf...8/17/okcupid-message-types/amp/?client=safari

@Shutterbuck It's true. Don't reply, you're a stuck up ugly bitch. Reply saying you're not interested, same thing, haha. It's a bummer how common that is. Likewise I once received a nice message from a guy who seemed to have a lot in common with me. I read it on my phone and was planning to reply from my desktop when I got home. Well, he saw I had read without replying and called me a fat cunt it was bananas but also I was glad he showed his douchebag hand online rather than meeting up and seeing it in person.

@LuckySmiles SO true about dudes and photos. I have been selfie-ing frequently for half of my life; if anything I worry that my photos look too cute in comparison to my actual self haha. Dudes are usually the opposite.

 

[SaffronBurke]

the vast, vast majority just said "hey" and their profiles said things like "just send me a message" rather than indicating any likes or interests.

This particular dating site member type drives me bonkers. I've encountered them on every type of site, and they baffle me everywhere. If you can't be bothered to fill out a profile, the least you could do is send a decent introduction in your first message. Doing neither is beyond lazy, and makes the person seem boring.

 

[Serenity_Tam]

I have done online dating in the past.

If I replied to everyone I wasn't interested it would have been hours of wasted time. Not to mention the insults I would have probably had hurled at me for verbalising politely that I didn't think we were a match or whatevs. Or the amount of people who try and convince me I am wrong and should just talk to them. Ignoring saves everyone time. In person you should politely decline, but such rules don't exist for internet communication in that way.

Unless someone was an outrageously attractive female I wouldn't respond if their profile wasn't filled out adequately. Without that it is very difficult to hold an online conversation ... and to me the whole point of internet dating was it would be faster ... I can read about and decide if I like someone before wasting an hour on coffee to find out they hate cats and of course that wouldn't work for me. OUtrageously attractive women got past that rule because I am shallow and am cool with banging with no talking and leaving. But I think the profile and effort someone puts in shows how serious they are. SOmeone with little on their profile probs doesn't care about dating as much as I would have ... and someone sending generic messages isn't especially interested in my so boo on them too.

 

[Protocosmo]

I've only tried online dating once way way long ago. It went alright as far as getting responses went. Well, I only ever exchanged messages with one girl and I spent weeks reading about her mother's health problems. I think I'm a fairly empathetic person but this was not exactly what I wanted get into with a person I've only just barely started communicating with. It never went anywhere.

Anyway, if I were to start online dating again... Hmm... If I were to do it, I would think I'd take it fairly seriously and would attempt to do my best to send thoughtful messages. Naturally, I would love to receive replies to them too. I believe there's research showing that not getting replies to messages, be they texts, emails, whatever, can have harmful psychological affects. Or something. I can imagine it would be grinding on your self worth.

That said, I fully understand not replying to people you wouldn't be interested in and any thoughtful person would get it too. I voted Guy/Ignore

 

[Lelo1]

So there has been allot of research done on online dating. Basically the research says for the courter it's very much a numbers game.Your going to initiate contact with hundreds of people just to get a handful of responses.

Your much more likely to get a response from some one who's online. Ones they go off line your much less likely to get to talk to them again. So yes, there is a very small window of opportunity to start a conversation.

the best thing for you is that if some ones not interested they don't respond at all. If every one responded, you would be flooded with 'bogus' leads.

 

[Lelo1]

How a Math Genius Hacked OkCupid to Find True Love
Amy Webb: How I hacked online dating

Math Genius and Amy treated online dating is like an interview. It's not about your answer; it's about having the desired answer. When you say your "hard working" at a job interview, no one believe you. But yet that's still the 'right' answer. Even though both parties know it's bullshit; you can't prove your a hard worker by having one 5 minute conversation.

 

[yummybrownfox]

I would say that if you already know you're not interested, you shouldn't be expected to reply. There are some folks out there who you could send the kindest "Thanks, but I'm not interested"-type message to, and they would still get all salty and hit you back with a "Well damn...why not? What don't you like about me?" message. Lmao. But I do understand why a person may feel like they should reply (I guess they figure it's the polite thing to do?).

I'm not sure if any of the dating sites have a "Thanks, but I'm not interested" reply button the responder can click for an automated friendly "rejection" e-mail to be sent to the other person? I, personally, would rather go that route as far as rejection messages go...simply because of the reason I gave above. I don't like having to explain to guys why I'm not interested, and I shouldn't have to explain. So I think a "Thanks, but I'm not interested" reply button would be good for us folks who'd rather not compose our own "rejection" message. And this way, the man (or woman) isn't stuck waiting around for a response. They'll have their answer, and then they can move on to the next man (or woman) they like.

I haven't been on a dating site in years. I used to be on Match and on True.

 

[Ambers Troll]

I don't do online dating...but for me I reply to all messages.
For someone not interested it doesn't really matter, I guess an ignore is as good as a rejection, but the rejection is classier in my opinion.

 

[Admiralfoot]

I had set one up several years ago. As a guy, I always responded to requests from women even if I wasn't interested. I think women can get bombarded with strange and stupid requests. And ok to ignore them.

 

[ACFFAN69]

How a Math Genius Hacked OkCupid to Find True Love
Amy Webb: How I hacked online dating

Math Genius and Amy treated online dating is like an interview. It's not about your answer; it's about having the desired answer. When you say your "hard working" at a job interview, no one believe you. But yet that's still the 'right' answer. Even though both parties know it's bullshit; you can't prove your a hard worker by having one 5 minute conversation.

That first article was a really, really cool read! Thanks for sharing that.

 

[sspacekittenn]

I've met plenty of current friends and past partners on the internet, so I'm all for "dating" sites. I usually don't respond to messages that don't interest me, and I've found the same goes for people when I message them some lame attempt to start a conversation, heh. It is definitely a tricky game. If it's someone you're unsure about, it can't hurt to talk to them for a little bit- you could make a new friend! And hey, they could have cute friends...

 

[VeronicaChaos]

How a Math Genius Hacked OkCupid to Find True Love
Amy Webb: How I hacked online dating

Math Genius and Amy treated online dating is like an interview. It's not about your answer; it's about having the desired answer. When you say your "hard working" at a job interview, no one believe you. But yet that's still the 'right' answer. Even though both parties know it's bullshit; you can't prove your a hard worker by having one 5 minute conversation.

I hit disagree because I find that there are tons of guys with the "right" answers and they're so transparent; those are the guys I don't respond to. When I do online dating I look for guys who seem like a real person, with varied interests and pros/cons. Hopefully he has ideas and hobbies that I've never even considered, or sound downright boring to me: it shows he's being honest about himself and not just saying what he thinks I want to hear.

Most guys on dating sites don't even sound like an actual human being. Their profiles are so full of cliches it's insulting.

 

[DrNecessiter]

I'm so glad online dating didn't really exist when I got into my current relationship (yes, I'm that old). I did join OKCupid for a while for a laugh because I enjoyed answering the match questions and wanted to see if I'd be a match for my wife (ironically, not much of one). I got probably two messages from women who enjoyed the snark on my profile about grammar, which warmed the cockles of my heart. I can understand not replying if you're female, because who has the time?