User is telling me he now 'loves me' and wants to be with me.

[MiaSarah]

(Was not sure to post this here or in Ask-A-Model! so if that is where it needed to be, sorry!)

How do I tell the person nicely no?!

Some history: I started on Chaturbate right after my 19 birthday. I was with a studio in Colombia. Ended up having this client come in during my second week. He has been giving me anywhere from 10.000 to 15.000 per week since then. We would private message in chat, or we would email. I did give him my Snapchat and we would chat on that, and during privates we would talk. During this time I have gotten married to a great guy and have moved to USA. When I moved to the USA, I lost my studio account. I emailed the people that I was in contact with and told them my new account and this client did follow. I told all of them I just switched studios and no one has questioned it.

4 years later this client is now telling me that he loves me and wants to fly to Colombia and marry me to 'take me away from the camming world.' At first I thought it was a joke but he has gotten more and more serious. I like the man. I would even consider him an (online) friend. I just don't know how to tell him no. I am not scared of losing him for money. If he stopped showing up tomorrow my income would drop by about 30 to 35% but I would still be fine.

My husband thinks I should just tell the guy no, and block him on all my accounts he has. If it has to come to that I will. I would rather let him down nicely. Just do not know how to do it.

(If anyone wants to know: NO! I did not meet my husband on CB, he was in Colombia for a wedding we both attended. He knew from our third date what I do for a living.)

 

[GoddessV]

Your husband is right. You don't even have to tell him no. You block him everywhere and every new account he might make. If you haven't made your boundaries clear, the result is exactly this.

He isn't your friend. He is a delusional white knight who thinks you need to be rescued. Block him and move on before he becomes a full blown stalker. If you are nice about it, he will take it as a glimmer of hope. Block, delete, ignore. Protect yourself and your mental health.

 

[cbhours]

I just don't know how to tell him no. I am not scared of losing him for money. If he stopped showing up tomorrow my income would drop by about 30 to 35% but I would still be fine.

My husband thinks I should just tell the guy no, and block him on all my accounts he has. If it has to come to that I will. I would rather let him down nicely. Just do not know how to do it.

Just tell the guy you've reconnected with one of your ex boyfriends or something and cant meet with him in real life.

 

[thinkinboutit]

there is no "letting em down easy" for someone who already doesn't give a shit about boundaries.

 

[GoddessV]

Just tell the guy you've reconnected with one of your ex boyfriends or something and cant meet with him in real life.

NO. This does NOT work. Source: life experience.

 

[englishmuffins]

Be firm and tell him no. Rejection needs be made firm and clear.

Too many of these members who “fall in love” start out enjoying the GFE but then the lines start to blur and they can’t distinguish between fantasy and reality.

No point in lying either. Rejection will hurt no matter how firm or soft it is delivered.

Just tell the guy you've reconnected with one of your ex boyfriends or something and cant meet with him in real life.

I feel like that member would see that situation as still a glimmer of hope and the obsession would continue waiting for his moment with her.

 

[cbhours]

NO. This does NOT work. Source: life experience.

Worth a shot, just flat out blocking him is a guaranteed loss of 30% of her income.

 

[englishmuffins]

Worth a shot, just flat out blocking him is a guaranteed loss of 30% of her income.

I feel like a loss of 30% is a short run down fall. She can make it up and as she stated earlier it doesn’t affect her income that negatively. Better to lose 30% than to have an obsessive member.

 

[GoddessV]

Worth a shot, just flat out blocking him is a guaranteed loss of 30% of her income.

There is no price on peace of mind. He will constantly wait for her to be available again.

 

[cbhours]

...what? you can block the guy later if he doesn't stop, its 30% of your income

 

[englishmuffins]

...what? you can block the guy later if he doesn't stop, its 30% of your income

Members come and go. No matter what OP does wether it be outright rejection, lying, letting him down softly, blocking, etc., loss of income is pretty likely.

 

[thinkinboutit]

@rylarosexo is right. You can't string this along as-is. Its not sustainable.
If he is already at this point, telling him to keep it professional isn't going to turn off his delusion. No amount of money is worth the stress (worst case potential stalking) this could cause.
The kindest thing for him AND you is to tell him no and cut ties.

You will make up the extra income, there are plenty of other customers out there who won't do this to you.

Source: very similar happened to me. I won't go into detail in the public section of the forum.

 

[MarieElise]

Every time I tell guys like that the truth (in a camming context) they leave of their own accord.

Admittedly though, I always do it right at the start, so idk how they act if you let it go on for years. I know real life stalkers need to be told w no ambiguity so I guess same goes for online ones. Although if she gave him her Snapchat I’m not sure if he is a stalker or just a guy who is misreading the signs completely.

I also never have offsite contact or chat extensively, so this isn’t the type of situation I really encounter. I would have thought give him a chance to deal with the truth before blocking, but maybe everyone else is right on this and I am being overly optimistic in his potential maturity and level headed ness.

eta; so I definitely agree with the telling him no and being honest part. I guess blocking him too, seems to be wise, if he is still pushy after that. This just isn’t specifically a problem I have experienced. I do recommend trying to make things very clear as early on as possible if someone is getting this way, or seems to be.

 

[AudriTwo]

...what? you can block the guy later if he doesn't stop, its 30% of your income

is 30% income worth putting up with an obsessive freak who more than likely lacks the emotional capacity to respect your boundaries, from my experience no.

members come and go all the time. whales aren't forever. sometimes models have to be the one to end it. this is also a great lesson for op not to depend on one person for a good chunk of their income.

source: happened to me when i was a baby cammodel. i made probably more than half of my income from this one guy who was a gross freak who constantly pushed and crossed my boundaries for my first 5 months. he made me not want to work, which hurt my income more. after i banned him i was able to be more successful because my mood was 5000% better. sure i had to work more to make up the difference for a minute, but i was able to create a better audience who respects me.

 

[cbhours]

is 30% income worth putting up with an obsessive freak who more than likely lacks the emotional capacity to respect your boundaries, no.

Op can always block the guy if he gets out of control once she tells him shes not available. It is simply not financially responsible to eliminate 30% of your income without at least trying a hail mary to save it first even if it is unlikely. I don't know the OPs situation, not every colombian comes in with her family so she may have no one to fall back on. Though honestly even if she was native with family its 30% and shes been a cam model for 4 years! I saw an article a few months ago stating that 62% of americans are living paycheck to paycheck, thats insane! I don't think theres anything wrong with trying not to lose that income as long as you arent sacrificing your mental health to do it (edit: reminder she says she would even consider him an online friend).

 

[MiaSarah]

Thank you everyone.

I am to private with said user tonight and I will just tell him no and tell him a little as to why. So I will come back with what he said. If I have to block I will.

For those who said something about the 30% income drop if he leaves. It does not matter. My income goes towards two things for myself and my husband: -extra- money every month towards car payments and the mortgage to get them paid off sooner. The rest we put into savings account for just in case money (rainy fund? I think he calls it). I give no money to my family in Colombia (do not want to tell about my family).

 

[Finchomatic]

@MiaSarah Block his ass and forget he even existed. That 30% short term loss will be replaced by peace of mind and more.

@AudriTwo You come across as a sigma female .

 

[Diana_Devil]

My husband thinks I should just tell the guy no, and block him on all my accounts he has.

Your husband is wise , listen to him .

 

[yummybrownfox]

The models in this thread gave good advice...listen to them. Be firm and tell him no. None of this 'stringing him along'...or 'coming up with lies to try to get him to back off' crap. If you lose him as a customer, oh well. Some things are more important than money, and keeping a good spender around who has boundary issues and couldn't care less that he's making you uncomfortable - wouldn't be wise. Plenty of other dudes who will spend on you without acting like this is Tinder. You may end up having to block him, because some of these dudes just will not quit...

Last night at karaoke I had to tell some creep (who told me he "wants to get me drunk") no, I do not want him to buy me a drink. And even after I said no a few times, he told the bartender to get me a drink (Then I had to tell the bartender "NO...I already told this guy I DON'T want a drink"). So sick of these guys who think they'll get a woman to do what he wants if he hounds her long enough.

 

[cbhours]

The models in this thread gave good advice...listen to them. Be firm and tell him no. None of this 'stringing him along'...or 'coming up with lies to try to get him to back off' crap.

most are suggesting to flat out block them, my suggestion is to basically tell him no, granted im not suggesting mentioning marriage so i guess in a way thats sort of stringing him along? I dunno I definitely wouldn't tell him I moved to the US and got married that seems very high risk.

 

[GoddessV]

Op can always block the guy if he gets out of control once she tells him shes not available. It is simply not financially responsible to eliminate 30% of your income without at least trying a hail mary to save it first even if it is unlikely. I don't know the OPs situation, not every colombian comes in with her family so she may have no one to fall back on. Though honestly even if she was native with family its 30% and shes been a cam model for 4 years! I saw an article a few months ago stating that 62% of americans are living paycheck to paycheck, thats insane! I don't think theres anything wrong with trying not to lose that income as long as you arent sacrificing your mental health to do it (edit: reminder she says she would even consider him an online friend).

THIS IS TERRIBLE ADVICE. New cam models please do NOT let customers walk all over you out of fear of losing money. I have blocked abusers during a show and thought I would regret it but having gained experience as a model I know that there are thousands of new customers to take their place. The longer I work, the more boundaries I have and my income has tripled. Boundaries will make you money because as @AudriTwo said, it frees up your mental energy to make new client.

Please @cbhours stop giving potentially dangerous advice.

 

[cbhours]

THIS IS TERRIBLE ADVICE. New cam models please do NOT let customers walk all over you out of fear of losing money. I have blocked abusers during a show and thought I would regret it but having gained experience as a model I know that there are thousands of new customers to take their place. The longer I work, the more boundaries I have and my income has tripled. Boundaries will make you money because as @AudriTwo said, it frees up your mental energy to make new client.

Please @cbhours stop giving potentially dangerous advice.

huh? What aspect of that is potentially dangerous? You lost me

 

[GoddessV]

huh? What aspect of that is potentially dangerous? You lost me

No one should sacrifice personal safety for money. I was very clear in my other comments, maybe re-read and stop camsplaining. Every model who posted here says the opposite of you. Most of us have had stalkers. Your advice is potentially dangerous in my experience.

 

[cbhours]

No one should sacrifice personal safety for money. I was very clear in my other comments, maybe re-read and stop camsplaining. Every model who posted here says the opposite of you. Most of us have had stalkers. Your advice is potentially dangerous in my experience.

No one is suggesting she sacrifice her personal safety? The guy still thinks shes in colombia and i definitely suggest she keeps it that way.

 

[yummybrownfox]

most are suggesting to flat out block them, my suggestion is to basically tell him no, granted im not suggesting mentioning marriage so i guess in a way thats sort of stringing him along? I dunno I definitely wouldn't tell him I moved to the US and got married that seems very high risk.

You said "Op can always block the guy if he gets out of control once she tells him shes not available. It is simply not financially responsible to eliminate 30% of your income without at least trying a hail mary to save it first even if it is unlikely."

The part of your statement that I bolded...I'm cool with that part. I, too, would've told him a firm no, and then would block him if he doesn't knock it off, because I'm not gonna keep repeating myself to a man who thinks this is fucking Tinder. What isn't cool is you telling a cam model that it's "not financially responsible" to eliminate 30% of her income, and basically telling her she should just suck it up for the sake of her getting that money. That is bad advice.

 

[AudriTwo]

huh? What aspect of that is potentially dangerous? You lost me

did you know that a lot of sex workers experience harassment and violence? not only strangers, but also from regs who got way too attached. its bad advice to tell sex workers to put up with problematic behavior for the sake of their income. yes boundaries need to be created, but that is up to the sex worker what they feel is the best situation. for our sanity and personal safety, income shouldn't being a deciding factor whether to or not.

 

[cbhours]

You said "Op can always block the guy if he gets out of control once she tells him shes not available. It is simply not financially responsible to eliminate 30% of your income without at least trying a hail mary to save it first even if it is unlikely."

I'm cool with the bolded part of your statement (I, too, would've told him a firm no, and then would block him if he doesn't knock it off), but what isn't cool is you telling a cam model it's "not financially responsible" to eliminate 30% of her income. It's bad advice to basically tell a model to just suck it up for the sake of her earnings.

Oh apologies, i did not mean suck it up and take it, i meant that in the sense that I wouldn't simply block him out of the blue without any conversation what so ever

 

[GoddessV]

No one is suggesting she sacrifice her personal safety? The guy still thinks shes in colombia and i definitely suggest she keeps it that way.

I may be out of line but. . . I assume you are neither a woman nor a cammodel?

Maybe politely see yourself out of the conversation and on your way out, re-read with a dose of empathy.

 

[AmberCutie]

my suggestion is to basically tell him no

To be fair, and remind of the reason why models are on your case, you didn't say this. Your suggestion was to lie to him as to why.

Just saying no and seeing what happens is fine.

 

[cbhours]

To be fair, and remind of the reason why models are on your case, you didn't say this. Your suggestion was to lie to him as to why.

Just saying no and seeing what happens is fine.

op is asking for a way to say no though, I mean its basically a way of saying no and letting him know shes not single. So is the suggestion to simply say no I don't want you to visit me in colombia and just leave it at that?