Re: Can you tell the difference between a lads mag and a rap
Ok, rant ahead, be warned... This is a subject that's been bothering me for a long time...
Sevrin said:
Just Me said:
If you think that is scary, look at these articles. It boggles my mind that anyone could think like this.
Many women think rape victims are partly to blame, says new survey
Only Psychos Think Rape is OK...Right?
Doesn't surprise me in the least. Rape has been blamed on the victim since forever. We may be all 21st century and smartphones, but our basic motivations and instincts haven't evolved as much as we'd like to think. Many men are seriously set back on their heels by the power of women's sexuality on them, and will easily believe that the rapist could not help himself. Some women will try to attribute any reason for rape other than "it could happen to me" simply to be able to leave the house and get on with their lives. Add to that the number of people who were abused at an early age and made to feel ashamed about it, and you're left with a population that includes some pretty warped individuals, who are often that way through no fault of their own.
It's sadly true, there are lots of sentences like "I'm not saying she deserved to be raped, but..." Even my mother once said to me that sharing a bed with a man and not having sex with him was like waving a red flag in front of a bull. To that I call bullshit. Sure the guy is tempted and wants the woman, but I've shared a bed with plenty of men and they haven't touched me against my will. I'm sure they wanted to touch me, but without consent they backed off. I have also shared beds with many guys after stating nothing would happen who have proceeded to touch me against my will (clearly hoping that the "seduction" would lead to me giving in and sleeping with them).
I agree that in many ways it does seem foolish, and most older, more experienced women wouldn't put themselves into that situation so it's very easy to judge. But when I was a teenager I looked like I was in my 20s, I loved sex, I loved being around men, I loved going out. There were many situations where I couldn't get home or was staying at someone's house, or even I was getting with a guy I liked but for various reasons didn't want to have sex with him. Usually for me those reasons would be being on my period or being unshaven, but regardless of how bothered the guy would be about those things, I didn't want to be having sex which should be enough.
Men/boys need to stop thinking and being taught that when a girl says "No, not tonight" even if they seem into you, which they probably are, they don't mean "I'm just saying that so you don't think less of me." They really mean what they say, which is "no, not tonight.". When someone gives someone such a clear message there should be no question. If the girl then proceeds to try and have sex with the guy, then yeah there's consent, but the man needs to wait for her to make that move. If she was just placing coy she'll make the move, if she was serious, she won't and you'll just have to have a furious wank after she leaves and hope it'll go better next time.
It's so easy to think of all rapists as evil people and as the victim as being a stupid woman, but in a large amount of cases (probably the less reported ones) it happens between young people, people who haven't really got the experience and knowledge to really stand up for themselves. In my age group going to clubs/parties, drinking a bit too much and sleeping in beds or on sofas with others is a fairly regular occurrence. I'm getting a bit old for it now, but that used to be every weekend and sometimes weekdays too. And guys did try and see what they could get away with, though I wouldn't call those guys rapists, though some of them left me very little choice in the matter, the choice was still there, I do think it's not a good attitude. One that I think is enforced by things like lads mags.
One of my friends got raped by a guy we both knew in my flat. Turned out he'd done it a year before and she was so ashamed she just wanted to forget about it so she didn't tell anyone. She never said anything bad about him, but she didn't like being around him and she was at my flat pretty drunk, he was good friends with my flatmate so he was there too, my friend had been crying and talking to him, now I understand what she was rambling on about. He kept waiting for her to leave, getting up, saying he was going to leave and eventually when she headed out he finally decided he'd go too, at the time I hadn't noticed it, though my flatmate had. She went into my bathroom (which has no lock), he followed her in and raped her. She said she can remember how she was too drunk to physically be able to dress herself or do anything. I only found out because she broke down crying the next week. I was obviously very upset about this.
I told my mother, who was obviously upset too, but she did the typical thing of trying to justify it. My friend should have told someone the first time it happened. She shouldn't have made herself vulnerable around him by drinking. She shouldn't have been around him again in the first place. All true things, but she's hardly a silly little girl, she's a 30 year old woman who's allowed to get a bit drunk at her female friend's flat. Sure, maybe she could have taken actions to defend herself against it, but it still doesn't condone it. I was living in that flat, if he raped me would she have been to blame for not telling me about it? Would I have been to blame for living with a male flatmate who has male friends? Would my flatmate have been to blame for having a friend over? No, the only person to blame is the guy who did it. You can't live every second of your life suspecting that anyone can do those things. You can't live your whole life in fear. Sure you can help prevent certain things from happening, but if those things still happen or you slip up it's still not your fault unless you're the person performing the act- i.e. the one doing the raping.
I think maybe people don't like believing there's such evil in the world. They don't want to believe it can happen to them. They want to believe if you're clever and protect yourself those things can't happen. Everyone does. We want to live in a fantasy world where we always say and do the right things, and when someone attacks we fight back. Fact is that world is rarely real. Even a trained police officer who knew tons of self defence, had back up nearby who knew exactly where she was and knew she was putting herself in a situation to lure in a rapist completely froze up as soon as the guy grabbed her. We can rarely prepare ourselves for these situations.
I don't think things will really start to change in this area until some of the older generations die out. I mean including my generation. My grandparents were born in a different world. A world where women and men had very different roles and women were only just starting to push for their own rights. The media hit back with the 50s, telling women their roles are to be womanly and attractive always, find a man, look after the house and have children. My parents generation came in a bit after that, but they were raised by people of the generation previously and before that even. That's the generation that's currently in power, it's half and half. Women have the ability to be strong, but they still were young in different times. My generation is a step further again, but again things like lads mags are fighting back. Magazines that come from a much more old fashioned attitude. I want to stamp out this attitude so that what's taught in magazines and other forms of media will be more focused on equality than ever before. Hopefully by the time my generation dies we truly will be equal. Kind of morbid but true. We're part nature, part nurture, and I think that this attitude towards women is nurture over nature. I think just like older generations often struggle with technology when younger generations use it as easily as breathing, it's not that our minds are under developed, it's just you can't teach an old dogs new tricks. It needs to be ingrained on someone from a young age.
